New boundaries and eggshells ...

Oh don't worry, you will make a few mistakes, but it should all eventually fall into place. When I first knew, it was as if I was having the baby....I bought pushchairs, cots nappies dummies food anything and everything it is so exciting.

It is difficult to make the right start. My children were born in Peru in the 1960's and I must say I thought thank goodness I haven't got my parents here to tell me what to do. I was happy to read books, talk to my friends ask people and get on with it my way. I was 23 years old and glad to be away from home.

When I returned to the UK I gradually enjoyed the fact that I could from time to time send the children to visit my mother etc.

Then 35 years later I got my own grandchildren. I bought a book on being a grand mother - cannot find it on my shelf now but was similar to:

Becoming a Grandmother: A Life Transition Paperback – 5 Dec 1997
by Sheila Kitzinger (Author)

The Good Granny Guide Paperback – 27 May 2011
by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall (Author)

I have grand children now in 2 different families and make sure I do not give advice but lend a hand.

However I do have the arrangement that I ring my daughter in law and arrange an afternoon to visit that suits the family timetable and take the children in the holidays etc. I do not wait to be invited. I try to see the ones in England who are now becoming teenagers, once a month.

I am hoping to take my oldest granddaughter to Australia next year to visit her cousins. I am in the process of negotiating this.

I have helped out when my daughter in law got breast cancer as did her parents who took the greater part.

Good luck Imperfect27 . Hope you enjoy being a granny.

Don't fret, you will be needed soon enough.

Give you DD a call, ask how baby is doing and, if all is well, then tell them how well they are coping or if not them tell them the first few days can be hard but you're sure they'll be fine. They need reassurance. You can add you are there if needed - but don't push it.

Don't give advice unless asked and then temper it by saying something like 'I'm not sure what is considered the best way theses days, but I tried x, y, z and it helped'

Gosh Imperfect, you are so wise already and there's so much sound advice on this thread. I speak from bitter experience. I was getting this all wrong and by the time our 3rd GC was born, I just charged ahead as though nothing had changed, when of course it had. Big time!

I now see that my tactlessness led to some very harsh words being said (to us by them) and almost to estrangement from our 2 DSs and their families.

Things are so much better now, but as someone has remarked, not quite as we would wish, but as they want. It's a big lesson to learn and some of us 'get it' quicker than others. Well done and many congratulations!

I promise you that the call will come. And they will remember how sensitive you were.

Thank you all. - justrolljanet, it is that sudden and immediate change of expectations that has floored me and annifrance yes, - I thought I would be needed in these first few days - I so appreciated my mum being on hand for me - but clearly I am not! I have my phone by my side - have made all the right noises about being available, but not imposing - and I have hesitated to make any plans just in case, but the hours are ticking by and my phone doesn't bleep ... I now think I need to get out and about and doing and break off plans as necessary rather than moping. All my friends who are grandparents had told me how much my daughter will need me and have assumed I would be busy and involved - it just compounds the sense of being surplus to requirement to be at a lose end and ringing them for company!!!

I rationalise with myself that times have indeed changed and I am trying not to feel rejected, but I am quite weepy with disappointment. To be fair to DD and SIL, they are not insensitive people, quite far from it and I know they want and apparently need their own space to find their way - I just think I could have been so helpful and it is a bit bewildering. I didn't have any idea that they might not want me around until about a week before the birth and then I felt quietly devastated.

Perhaps because I have lost a daughter, I have subconsciously invested more in this experience and perhaps needed more from it. I know it is my problem and it is helpful to be able to relieve my feelings by sharing here and being reassured that although I don't like the way things are, I am doing the right thing by being silent. And when the invite for a second visit does eventually come I know I will go with an open heart and just ready to help. I just wish that second call would come ...

My only real advice to DDs was 'trust your instincts'. There is so much conflicting advice in the media and from medical professionals it is not surprising new parents lack confidence. I agree about the 'being chucked out of hospital' bit. Elder DD had 2 c Sections and each time was out within 24 hrs!! She was then seen on a 2 mile pram walk a day later. Some people do need protecting from themselves!!! I was in hospital for over a week with both children, plenty of time to establish breastfeeding and no cooking. We were lucky.

My suggestion is try not to offer advice unless it is asked for - I tried this after a couple of blunders and discovered it is rarely asked for!
What I did find was well recieved was a Lasagne, Fish Pie or something they like that can be easily heated up as often new parents forget to eat.
Enjoy your grandchild !

Imperfect your life has now changed and it's so wonderful being a grandma. Much better than a parent. Enjoy.

Things have changed a lot since we had our children, for a start paternity leave was not on the agenda, and I automatically assumed that my children would want me as soon as they got home, to help and be a guiding hand just like my DM and DMIL were. But I quickly realised that the thinking now is that the couple want to bring baby back home and be a little family on their own - quite right too. so that was the first back off point.

my friends and I are constantly amazed that our children made it to adulthood in view of all the terrible mistakes we made according to current thinking! Oh the books, the internet make it all a minefield for the young parents of today. Many edicts seem to contradict so how they are supposed to make informed decisions is beyond me. I made a conscious decision when I had my first to have absolutely no books on the subject but relied on intelligence, my DM and DML, and my lovely health visitor. This seemed to work, and I had never even held a baby until DS was born! What does seem to missing nowadays, due to health cuts, the young mums are literally chucked out of hospital within hours without the wisdom of midwives and nurses. Breast feeding seems to be a huge problem which is such a shame - I had so much help with this and it set me on an easy road once I was home. I really feel we had it easy in comparison.

Congratulation Imperfect. My DD and SIL are expecting their first baby but my DD is already hinting at boundaries. Actually the boundaries and eggshells are more apparent with DIL and my 2 darling grandchildren, where I try not to offer any unsolicited advice. I've found that DIL's mother is a very good ally and we tackle issues together, and she talks to her daughter and I to my son! Doesn't always work and I think we've been sussed out!

You're going to be just fine- the very fact you are aware of the difficulties proves that.
I never ever say ' why don't you?' I very occasionally say' what used to work with his dad was...... but it might not be right for him/her'.
I also praise my DDILs all the time- we all need recognition & they are great Mums.
Just wait until the battle of the opposing Granparents starts- that's what threw me- I had no idea is was so competitive. I don't play that game but it is fascinating watching it happen.

Just enjoy your new addition- it's the best relationship in the world!

Thank you granfromafar. Yes, amazing - to see that new little person who is an indescribably lovely blend of his mum and dad.
My round trip will take me about 3 hours so can be done in a day, but I work full time so opportunities may be limited as DD and SIL lead busy lives and do a lot at weekends. Ah well, he is here and I couldn't be happier for his safe arrival.

I found my thoughts/expectations of grannyhood changed as soon as my first grandaughter arrived, I assumed too much, I spoke to a close friend about how it affected me, she said that as soon as her first granchild was born she realised that her tongue was going to become much shorter as she had to bite it so often :-) I now have 2 grandaughters, 4 1/2 and 16 months, I am fitting into plan now, not how I thought it would be but how my daughter and son in law want it to be, it is fine :-).

Many congrats on the new addition to the family! It's such an indescribable feeling when you see your first GC for the first time, isn't it? Hearing those 2 songs on the radio is surely serendipity! As with being a parent, being a grandparent is a learning curve and I'm sure you'll do fine. (Hint- this is the best place to come for advice). Enjoy the first few precious months.

Thank you all for your kind, wise words and support. I very much hope that relationships with my DD and SIL will go from strength to strength and I will actively work on my listening skills . Funny - when I drove up to see GS for the first time, the first song playing on the radio was 'Gonna Meet My Baby Tonight' and today the first song on was 'When Will I see You Again?' Well, of course, he is not MY baby, but already counting the minutes til next time .

Welcome to my world! As a Norland nanny, there's not a lot I don't know about children(!) but times change and even though I'm still nannying, when my GS comes for the day, somehow it's different; I'm helping out with childcare one day a week which I do love but I'm ever conscious that this isn't my child and my DD does things differently although she's brilliant at listening to advice and our relationship has distinctly improved (as mine with my mum did when DD was born). I'm conscious of saying "no" a lot and then wondering if it matters when I know DD & SIL don't say it as much....but in my house my rules surely?
Enjoy being a grandparent-this little person will bring out feelings that you didn't know you had-it's wonderful and I can't wait for more!

Congratulations Imperfect! What a wonderful time in your life! Enjoy!

I'm not sure if you're "learning that a new set of boundaries is in place" cuz of reactions from DD and SIL or cuz of ideas you've heard/read. But either way, I'm going to chime in with others to say that just the fact that you've come here to ask these questions shows you're on the right track!

And yes, you are quite right - IME, new parents want to figure things out for themselves without unsolicited advice (especially perhaps from their parents/PILs - sigh -). Often, in fact, they turn to friends, professionals or the Internet for any advice, if they want it, rather than their own parents/PILs. That's partly cuz a lot has changed since our day, as you may or may not know - newborns put to sleep on their backs or sides, instead of tummies, no heavy blankets used till after about a year and so forth. As experienced as we are, there are some new and crucial things we just don't know.

I'm glad you bit your tongue rather than suggesting that DD turn her phone off. And I agree with the idea that you should continue to keep any advice to yourself, unless asked for it (except perhaps, in the case of a true emergency). If you really feel you need to say something, I also agree that doing so in the form of a question ("Have you thought about...?") is better than saying "You should/shouldn't..." and so forth. But, mostly, especially in these early days, I think it's better to wait and see if they ask you. Want to add, too, as the mother of two DDs, that no, they are not always more open to advice from us than DILs would be - some are but others are not. So you are wise to tread carefully, IMO, and take your cues from your own DD.

Also, since guys, nowadays, are often more involved in childcare, many new parents, I find, want to keep those early days to themselves to work out their routines and bond as a family unit. So yes, please do continue to wait till invited to see baby, whether at the hospital or their home. And yes, I agree with the idea of asking if you can help in any way (if you are truly up for that), but also with accepting it graciously if they decline.

Please remember, too, that they may wish you to help with household chores more than with baby. If you're not up for that - or not up for helping, period - please keep any visits brief and just enjoy whatever time you get with them and that new baby.

It may take some time for you to get used to your new role - it did for me and many other GPs I know. But please remember, the new parents are feeling their way, too. Please give them however much space they seem to need and realize they may change a bit, as time goes on.

Sorry this is getting long. But just want to add I think you're going to be a wonderful GM and continue to have great relations with DD and SIL! Best wishes to all!

Dynamics do change and I think becoming a parent yourself takes you from child to parent status.

I have three DS and the one without children is very much the youngest although not in age. The two with children are also entirely different in their approach, with one asking all sorts of advice on feeding, sleep etc., and the other telling me to shut up, albeit jokingly, when I casually suggested their child might eat something at my house if it was put on their plate.

Enjoy being a granny OP it's the best thing in the world.

Just by posting this, you are showing that you are going to be wonderful grandparent. It is hard, especially with the first, but I love Grannypat's advice - two ears, one mouth. I have one grandson and am still learning and sometimes (maybe often) getting it wrong. I think it's important to let all involved feel their own way. I know my son (my baby!) and DIL have done a wonderful job. Their little boy is a joy to be around and that's down to them, even if things have been done differently than in 'my day'. I also know that my sons had two very different grandmas and they loved them both equally - one for her consistency and old-fashioned ways and the other for her uniqueness and sideways way of looking at life. There isn't a right way to be a grandma, other than caring, which you clearly do. It's great - just relax and enjoy it! A hug for anyone in the family works wonders too, no matter how old they are. xx

The most important thing is not to interfere over discipline I think. You may be watching the endless negotiations and placatory statements and be dying to say "Just say NO!", but you have to stand back and let them do it their way!

Instead of immediately offering advice to my 2 DDs about my 4 Grandchildren I find that the question 'what can I do to help' works wonders.

That way we open a dialogue, I can offer advice and they don't think I'm butting in.

I'm lucky I have a great relationship with my daughters and they know me well, so when it's just us I am likely to just chip in. I never undermine them and always say 'ask Mummy' if the kids want something I'm unsure about .

Congratulations on your new arrival !! Welcome to the club :-)

Both my DDs are entirely unencumbered by advice about most things and I now save my breath and wait to be asked. We all get on really well but they manage their lives and families entirely differently to the way I did it.

you are already doing the right thing by being aware things have changed! My own mother was brilliant and I have tried to emulate her. She once waited right up to the moment OH and I were about to rush to A&E with a screaming toddler (we thought she was in serious pain) to suggest, very quietly, that it was merely a temper tantrum - she was right! I also think DDs are different to d-i-ls in terms of accepting advice. So have a great time and enjoy the ride.

Welcome to the forum Imperfect. All they really require from you is help if they request it, and advice if they request it , and be prepared to offer both and perhaps be turned down.It's a fine balance to get things right.We sometimes forget that our children want to be treated as capable adults.Good luck.

Congratulations Imperfect and welcome to GN.
It definitely is a bit of a minefield and the rules can switch 180° without warning ?, so beware!
Enjoy Grandmotherhood, it's great fun, you'll be fine (I'm still learning two years later and suspect it's a life-long re-education!)
I expect the rules will change again for me when dc2 arrives in late May ?