New boundaries and eggshells ...

P.S. I don't mean to sound critical of my DD or SIL in any way - I am just thrown by the changes around me and I know /I am a pretty forthright person so I am busy lecturing myself

I think the rules change. And the unspoken rules are the hardest. But you are obviously aware of this and will work it out. Only advice is this. You have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them in the same ratio. Enjoy your new role!

I like your words of advice pensionpat not heard it put like that before but I totally agree with the sentiment.
imperfect It's all raw emotions at the moment, try and relax and I'm sure you will soon settle into being the perfect granny

Just being aware is the most important thing

You did well not to suggest turning her phone off....she can think of that one by herself

Instead, just listen and share her concern. 'Trouble is, everyone just wants to wish you well, and they don't think that loads of others are doing the same!'

Sometimes, when people have a 'problem' they don't want suggestions, however brilliant, at solving it. They just want someone to listen.

If you really do want to suggest something, then pehaps you can phrase it like this, 'I wonder, would it help if ....?' and not 'well, maybe you should.....'

Enjoy being a grandmother. It is one of the greatest joys in life.

You are half way there by just being aware that you will need to tread carefully. The arrival of a GC does change the balance of the relationship.

Congratulations both on your perception and on the arrival of your GC!

Congratulations Imperfect and welcome to GN.
It definitely is a bit of a minefield and the rules can switch 180° without warning ?, so beware!
Enjoy Grandmotherhood, it's great fun, you'll be fine (I'm still learning two years later and suspect it's a life-long re-education!)
I expect the rules will change again for me when dc2 arrives in late May ?

Welcome to the forum Imperfect. All they really require from you is help if they request it, and advice if they request it , and be prepared to offer both and perhaps be turned down.It's a fine balance to get things right.We sometimes forget that our children want to be treated as capable adults.Good luck.

you are already doing the right thing by being aware things have changed! My own mother was brilliant and I have tried to emulate her. She once waited right up to the moment OH and I were about to rush to A&E with a screaming toddler (we thought she was in serious pain) to suggest, very quietly, that it was merely a temper tantrum - she was right! I also think DDs are different to d-i-ls in terms of accepting advice. So have a great time and enjoy the ride.

Both my DDs are entirely unencumbered by advice about most things and I now save my breath and wait to be asked. We all get on really well but they manage their lives and families entirely differently to the way I did it.

Instead of immediately offering advice to my 2 DDs about my 4 Grandchildren I find that the question 'what can I do to help' works wonders.

That way we open a dialogue, I can offer advice and they don't think I'm butting in.

I'm lucky I have a great relationship with my daughters and they know me well, so when it's just us I am likely to just chip in. I never undermine them and always say 'ask Mummy' if the kids want something I'm unsure about .

Congratulations on your new arrival !! Welcome to the club :-)

The most important thing is not to interfere over discipline I think. You may be watching the endless negotiations and placatory statements and be dying to say "Just say NO!", but you have to stand back and let them do it their way!

Just by posting this, you are showing that you are going to be wonderful grandparent. It is hard, especially with the first, but I love Grannypat's advice - two ears, one mouth. I have one grandson and am still learning and sometimes (maybe often) getting it wrong. I think it's important to let all involved feel their own way. I know my son (my baby!) and DIL have done a wonderful job. Their little boy is a joy to be around and that's down to them, even if things have been done differently than in 'my day'. I also know that my sons had two very different grandmas and they loved them both equally - one for her consistency and old-fashioned ways and the other for her uniqueness and sideways way of looking at life. There isn't a right way to be a grandma, other than caring, which you clearly do. It's great - just relax and enjoy it! A hug for anyone in the family works wonders too, no matter how old they are. xx

Dynamics do change and I think becoming a parent yourself takes you from child to parent status.

I have three DS and the one without children is very much the youngest although not in age. The two with children are also entirely different in their approach, with one asking all sorts of advice on feeding, sleep etc., and the other telling me to shut up, albeit jokingly, when I casually suggested their child might eat something at my house if it was put on their plate.

Enjoy being a granny OP it's the best thing in the world.

Congratulations Imperfect! What a wonderful time in your life! Enjoy!

I'm not sure if you're "learning that a new set of boundaries is in place" cuz of reactions from DD and SIL or cuz of ideas you've heard/read. But either way, I'm going to chime in with others to say that just the fact that you've come here to ask these questions shows you're on the right track!

And yes, you are quite right - IME, new parents want to figure things out for themselves without unsolicited advice (especially perhaps from their parents/PILs - sigh -). Often, in fact, they turn to friends, professionals or the Internet for any advice, if they want it, rather than their own parents/PILs. That's partly cuz a lot has changed since our day, as you may or may not know - newborns put to sleep on their backs or sides, instead of tummies, no heavy blankets used till after about a year and so forth. As experienced as we are, there are some new and crucial things we just don't know.

I'm glad you bit your tongue rather than suggesting that DD turn her phone off. And I agree with the idea that you should continue to keep any advice to yourself, unless asked for it (except perhaps, in the case of a true emergency). If you really feel you need to say something, I also agree that doing so in the form of a question ("Have you thought about...?") is better than saying "You should/shouldn't..." and so forth. But, mostly, especially in these early days, I think it's better to wait and see if they ask you. Want to add, too, as the mother of two DDs, that no, they are not always more open to advice from us than DILs would be - some are but others are not. So you are wise to tread carefully, IMO, and take your cues from your own DD.

Also, since guys, nowadays, are often more involved in childcare, many new parents, I find, want to keep those early days to themselves to work out their routines and bond as a family unit. So yes, please do continue to wait till invited to see baby, whether at the hospital or their home. And yes, I agree with the idea of asking if you can help in any way (if you are truly up for that), but also with accepting it graciously if they decline.

Please remember, too, that they may wish you to help with household chores more than with baby. If you're not up for that - or not up for helping, period - please keep any visits brief and just enjoy whatever time you get with them and that new baby.

It may take some time for you to get used to your new role - it did for me and many other GPs I know. But please remember, the new parents are feeling their way, too. Please give them however much space they seem to need and realize they may change a bit, as time goes on.

Sorry this is getting long. But just want to add I think you're going to be a wonderful GM and continue to have great relations with DD and SIL! Best wishes to all!

Welcome to my world! As a Norland nanny, there's not a lot I don't know about children(!) but times change and even though I'm still nannying, when my GS comes for the day, somehow it's different; I'm helping out with childcare one day a week which I do love but I'm ever conscious that this isn't my child and my DD does things differently although she's brilliant at listening to advice and our relationship has distinctly improved (as mine with my mum did when DD was born). I'm conscious of saying "no" a lot and then wondering if it matters when I know DD & SIL don't say it as much....but in my house my rules surely?
Enjoy being a grandparent-this little person will bring out feelings that you didn't know you had-it's wonderful and I can't wait for more!

Thank you all for your kind, wise words and support. I very much hope that relationships with my DD and SIL will go from strength to strength and I will actively work on my listening skills . Funny - when I drove up to see GS for the first time, the first song playing on the radio was 'Gonna Meet My Baby Tonight' and today the first song on was 'When Will I see You Again?' Well, of course, he is not MY baby, but already counting the minutes til next time .

Many congrats on the new addition to the family! It's such an indescribable feeling when you see your first GC for the first time, isn't it? Hearing those 2 songs on the radio is surely serendipity! As with being a parent, being a grandparent is a learning curve and I'm sure you'll do fine. (Hint- this is the best place to come for advice). Enjoy the first few precious months.

I found my thoughts/expectations of grannyhood changed as soon as my first grandaughter arrived, I assumed too much, I spoke to a close friend about how it affected me, she said that as soon as her first granchild was born she realised that her tongue was going to become much shorter as she had to bite it so often :-) I now have 2 grandaughters, 4 1/2 and 16 months, I am fitting into plan now, not how I thought it would be but how my daughter and son in law want it to be, it is fine :-).

Thank you granfromafar. Yes, amazing - to see that new little person who is an indescribably lovely blend of his mum and dad.
My round trip will take me about 3 hours so can be done in a day, but I work full time so opportunities may be limited as DD and SIL lead busy lives and do a lot at weekends. Ah well, he is here and I couldn't be happier for his safe arrival.

You're going to be just fine- the very fact you are aware of the difficulties proves that.
I never ever say ' why don't you?' I very occasionally say' what used to work with his dad was...... but it might not be right for him/her'.
I also praise my DDILs all the time- we all need recognition & they are great Mums.
Just wait until the battle of the opposing Granparents starts- that's what threw me- I had no idea is was so competitive. I don't play that game but it is fascinating watching it happen.

Just enjoy your new addition- it's the best relationship in the world!

Congratulation Imperfect. My DD and SIL are expecting their first baby but my DD is already hinting at boundaries. Actually the boundaries and eggshells are more apparent with DIL and my 2 darling grandchildren, where I try not to offer any unsolicited advice. I've found that DIL's mother is a very good ally and we tackle issues together, and she talks to her daughter and I to my son! Doesn't always work and I think we've been sussed out!

Imperfect your life has now changed and it's so wonderful being a grandma. Much better than a parent. Enjoy.

Things have changed a lot since we had our children, for a start paternity leave was not on the agenda, and I automatically assumed that my children would want me as soon as they got home, to help and be a guiding hand just like my DM and DMIL were. But I quickly realised that the thinking now is that the couple want to bring baby back home and be a little family on their own - quite right too. so that was the first back off point.

my friends and I are constantly amazed that our children made it to adulthood in view of all the terrible mistakes we made according to current thinking! Oh the books, the internet make it all a minefield for the young parents of today. Many edicts seem to contradict so how they are supposed to make informed decisions is beyond me. I made a conscious decision when I had my first to have absolutely no books on the subject but relied on intelligence, my DM and DML, and my lovely health visitor. This seemed to work, and I had never even held a baby until DS was born! What does seem to missing nowadays, due to health cuts, the young mums are literally chucked out of hospital within hours without the wisdom of midwives and nurses. Breast feeding seems to be a huge problem which is such a shame - I had so much help with this and it set me on an easy road once I was home. I really feel we had it easy in comparison.

My suggestion is try not to offer advice unless it is asked for - I tried this after a couple of blunders and discovered it is rarely asked for!
What I did find was well recieved was a Lasagne, Fish Pie or something they like that can be easily heated up as often new parents forget to eat.
Enjoy your grandchild !

My only real advice to DDs was 'trust your instincts'. There is so much conflicting advice in the media and from medical professionals it is not surprising new parents lack confidence. I agree about the 'being chucked out of hospital' bit. Elder DD had 2 c Sections and each time was out within 24 hrs!! She was then seen on a 2 mile pram walk a day later. Some people do need protecting from themselves!!! I was in hospital for over a week with both children, plenty of time to establish breastfeeding and no cooking. We were lucky.