Am I overreacting?

The hardest part is making the decision.
You could be free and happy on your 61st birthday.

Thank you Wendysue. You are right I know the answer..I was 60 in Feb and I don't want to be unhappy for say the next 20+ years if I'm lucky and healthy enough to get there..I think I'm so disappointed..

I think you've answered your own question, Biz. He's not the kind of husband you wanted, you don't feel loved - in short, you're unhappy = yes, leave.

I'm sorry if your first marriage fell apart as well. But please don't let that stop you. Sometimes, it takes 3 tries to get it right, and so forth. You're not a "fool" - you'll only be a fool if you stay. That's my opinion, anyhow.

Hope you have a lovely Easter in spite of it all...

I feel such a fool again, this is my 2nd marriage (been together 14 years, married 3 in May) but the most important thing in his life is drink and the routine of getting it. Up until 12-12.30 every day unless he has work, it's a pint down the local then home with 2 bottles of red wine every night. I tried to fit in and not opposed to drinking myself but it rules our life the routine of it. He doesn't want to do anything else but sit with the regulars down the pub and drink when he gets home. I've tried to get round it by filling my life with the grandchildren but I wanted a husband I could do things with but he's happy that I go off as long as his routine isn't affected. I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't love me just wants a nice home and dinner on the table..after the afternoon sleep..Im so bored with it all and he s 7 years younger than me..do I leave Im unhappy...bizi

I think the question about how DH would feel if the situation were the other way around is a very good one! In fact, I would put this question to him and see how he reacts. If/when he realizes he wouldn't like it, that might wake him up a bit.

I think mild flirting at a party or similar group gathering, with your partner present , (I have been giilty of this myself)is a bit different to cosy chats one to one in someone's kitchen,over a glass of wine .
I'd just tell your DH you don't like it and think it's inappropriate .he will proably poo poo the idea there is anything in it But might secretly be flattered you think she fancies him and are a bit jealous
Have you asked him if he enjoys her company and what they talk about ?
I am aware that I go out a lot and have lots of friends while DH is home a lot and likes his own company .But if he were welcoming this sort of attention I think I would be suggesting we did more together -and making sure MrsNDN saw us doing it

I don't understand all this talk about 'gently probing' how your DH feels about this and why he invites her in. He's your Husband , just tell him you don't like it and do not want him to do it anymore. He is an adult not a child who needs to have things gently explained . I hope the OP let's us know how things have progressed.

I would be very suspicious if a female neighbor kept visiting when she knew I was not there.
Not suspicious of my husband but of her because my husband, like the majority of men seem to be rather blind when it comes to women coming on to them.
When they do know, I suppose they are flattered as we would be if the situation was reversed.
I'm lucky in that I could talk to my hubby and then say, under the circumstances I would prefer if you could try not to encourage her in any way and give her some excuse and not let her in when I am out because she is behaving inappropriately.
It all depends on how the husband is really?

I've not had time to read all the replies, but the few I have read contain good advice. So I apologise if I'm repeating something already said.

Have you spoken at all to your husband about this, to find out if he's comfortable with these visits himself, before you take it any further. Some people, men in particular, find it hard to know how to deal with situations like this. He might need help with either not inviting her in or getting rid of her.

He may wish she'd not come over do often as he finds her interrupting things he needs to get on with, but not know how to deal with it? Perhaps you could gently probe and find out that first.

We used to go to quite a few house parties years ago and one of the females used to boast that however much she flirted (and that's an understatement, I do remember) with the men at a party, she always went home with her husband... . We (NO - I) made sure we didn't go to parties to which they were invited. She was very proud of her (well-presented) bosoms, if I recall. Now she's very fat.

I would tell hubby that it is completely out of order inviting her in, what signals does that send out, if it were you doing the entertaining how would he feel? Although I absolutely hate confrontation I would let this woman know not to cone round anymore whether you are in or out. She is manipulative and knows what she's doing alright, you are better off without her. I agree with what Anniemac said, however, I would be at home for a time and answer the door each time, never invite her in and say can't stop hubby and I are in the middle of something and close the door, she will probably get the message before the talk with her and move on to another.

Some great advice here but it is the husband I would be raging with. He doesn't need to invite her in ,there's always some excuse he could come up with. Why is he offering her wine? I would not be happy if my husband did this on a regular basis. You have to speak to your hubby about this as he is the one inviting her in. What if she made advances towards your hubby and he rejects her? She could easily cry rape or something similar. Imagine your hubby explaining himself to the police in this situation that he invites her in for coffee and wine always when you are out and nothing has happened between them, who would believe him.
Please explain this to him,you don't know this woman well enough to trust her. I'm sorry but if you can't discuss this sensibly with your husband and he doesn't understand your point of view then maybe you should stand back and let her have him,or just stay at home and keep her out.

Not naive or innocent but perhaps susceptible to flattery? Therefore daft, and like to have their fragile egos boosted poor things!

I think it's whatnot's DH who deserves the kick in the ankles here!

I'm surprised at all this talk of middle-aged men being naive, gullible, and the innocents abroad who have to beware of barmaids and the scheming minx next door

I just wondered if she watched your house to check when you go out.


is your hubby daft or what
like many a middle-aged man? They often are!

Would he be fine about her husband popping over for tea or wine with you when he's out ? Bet he wouldn't .

Put yourself between her and your husband, Ask if you had offended her in someway and is that why she calls round when you are out? You would love to see more of her. Since you know she is lonely(be a little condescending) wouldn't it be wonderful for you could be friends?

invite her round for coffee and, in the course of conversation, make it plain to her how close you and your husband are. How much you still love him (in other words you have a fight on your hands), Be so overly warm and friendly so as to let her know that your intentions are to be her bestest friend. Call round her house, (find excuses maybe bake a cake make sure her husband praises your cooking?)be extremely nice to her husband and her. Be sure to overstay your welcome.

Had similar circumstances and this worked she backed right off and amazingly quickly! Sure you could work something out knowing the people involved. Play to your strengths.

If it doesn't work you arethen in a position to be so rejected that you can have a serious row and make it plain she is not to darken your door again. Either way you have power to sort the situation.

Two things: if someone else had the same problem what would your reaction be? I suspect you would feel exactly as you do now so no, you're not being foolish.

So much good advice from others but I would add: next time she does it, you could 'laughingly but pointedly' say that if you didn't know better you'd think she was after your husband! See what her reaction is.

Hope you are able to clear things up - nothing worse than weird neighbours!

Whatnot, how awful. I saw a women flirting with my brother at his silver wedding party, when I said how awful this was to him, he said oh she didn't mean anything by it. How stupid can they get.

Some good advice so far . I would recommend also skipping the GYM class for a week and see if she comes when you are both there . I would be furious/jealous/hurt in your position , is your hubby daft or what? how would he feel if it was you and her husband?

I would try to speak to your husband and explain how upset this is rightly making you feel . The advice to invite them both is a good idea as her husband may be able to spot if his wife is making eyes or flirting with yours and he may put a stop to her visits.

She could be a maneater or she could just be a new neighbour who wants to be friendly, but it seems very odd that she visits when you are out! Does she bring her own wine or does your DH provide it? You could mention to him how the wine seems to be going down very quickly. Are they drinking in the daytime? Men can have their heads turned so easily.

I remember many years ago my DH's secretary seemed to be very friendly and she did things that I had neglected to do because I was so busy with work, children, elderly parents etc, eg she baked him a lovely birthday cake for his 50th, she arranged a lovely treat for his birthday (more than I could afford!) etc. I got very jealous, but in fact she was - is - just a very lovely person and would have been horrified at the suggestion that there was more to it! Both she and her husband became our very good friends.

However, it does seem odd that this neighbour spends time with your DH but disappears when you arrive home. There are some good ideas on here - I particularly like Jinty's suggestion!

Whatnot I am sorry you are worried especially as you tried to be friendly and neighbourly when they moved in. Would it be best to be open and straightforward with your husband? He may not realise how potentially damaging situations can arise. Is it time to have a heart to heart with him?

I've also remembered how I dealt with an amorous female colleague of my husbands once. She asked me if I minded her always greeting him with a hug and a kiss. I told her he had always been a lady magnet but was so chivalrous he didn't have the heart to reject any woman - no matter how old or ugly. That certainly put a spanner in her works and she kept well away thereafter - ha ha!

On return from your next shopping trip etc. why don't you "pop" in on the husband next door under the pretext that you'd like to talk to the wife. When he says she's out just say you'll wait and would love a cuppa (after all that shopping). I'd love to see her face when she returns to see you having a cosy chat with her hubby!

Also, where DOES her husband think she is when she's visiting yours? or is he just glad to get rid of her for a while?

Oh there's "now't so queer as folk".

Jinty that's brilliant - you have a devious streak!