Am I overreacting?

If you are worried enough to post here then it is an issue! Have you mentioned it to him in a light hearted way? Does he have a track record of excessive friendliness? I would be tempted to take him with you or give him important jobs to do for a while to break the pattern. Key point, do you trust HIM?

Good post Brummiegran.

You could be very friendly and invite her round when you DH is out.

Good post brummiegran if it were my DH I wouldn't worry she'd be safe from him but it depends on his m.o. really.

I think it is odd and I would want to get to the bottom of it. I would ask DH what they talk about and for his opinion about why she avoids me.

Thanks! I know my husband has several female friends but never with the 'vibes'. If it comes to it WHATNOT may have to say outright, this makes me feel uncomfortable. Who knows her husband may be chuffed to know she is a bit jealous.

In my opinion whatnot there are some women who want anything that someone else have that might be better than their own.

A better house than their own,
A better car, kitchen,
husband/boyfriend etc.

They also seem to delight in the "I could have him anytime" theory and feel even better if they know that they are causing upset.

Now it could be that this is all innocent (although like you I would be having my doubts) and that she just happens to call when you are not in and your DH (being the friendly sort?) can't see the problem with offering her a cuppa or a glass of something. On the other hand the cow she could be deliberately waiting for you to go out and worming her way in, fluttering her eyelashes etc. In which case you need to put a stop to this nonsense, PDQ.

You could either;

Tell DH that you really don't want him to invite her in when you are not home as you have a strange feeling about her motives.

OR

Tell HER that you would rather she didn't visit your home when you are not there.

Undoubtedly she will try to make you feel paranoid about it. Chances are she has done something similar before. One thing for certain NEVER tell her anything private about yourself and DH. She will use this against you in the future. I would also be extra friendly towards DH in her presence just so she gets the picture.

Oh dear I do hope things work out okay.

What does your husband say about it? Men can be rather naïve when it comes to women.

Does he offer her wine or does she ask for it? I would not have been happy with my H offering wine to a woman when I wasn't there. We are talking about the daytime.

right - you need to take action before this gets out of hand. I agree with gillybob who said you talk to her. Tell her straight what you have said here. You are not comfortable with her visiting when you are not there. Your house - your rules. You don't have to be unpleasant, just firm. Men can be very naive. (You could say people have been mentioning it to you and you are sure she would hate to feel she is the subject of gossip or some similar excuse). If she really needs to borrow something, she can wait until you are home. I wonder how she would feel if you suddenly starting popping in on her husband!

I also bet she has done this before.

Thank you for your advice. I was starting to feel silly about it but I think even just writing it down and your responses does make me realise I'm not and my concerns are valid. I do trust my husband but yes, I think men can be naive sometimes. I do feel that talking to him (or her) about it will make it worse somehow. He'll be alerted to the fact that she finds him attractive (he's a little vain - aren't we all) and it might escalate things. And if I speak to her I imagine she'll do the whole blameless me routine. Or maybe I'm just being cowardly. Oh, I wish they'd just move away!

If she is "making eyes" at your OH, then you are picking up on something that is not acceptable. The difficulty that you have is that your OH may not be as sensitive to the vibes as you are.

Could you try going shopping, but returning very quickly so that she has only just arrived - and saying "Oh, you are here again! - do have a cup of coffee with me" - she then gets lumbered with you which is definitely not in the plan! If you make that happen a few times, it might put her off.

Maybe you also need to talk with OH first before tackling her. Middle-aged men are very flattered by a bit of female attention just when their powers are waning. Perhaps tell him why you are not happy with it.

I have been in a similar situation before and it all blew over in the end. Some women just like to exercise their power over men.

Problem is that you need to do this without falling out with your neighbours, so I think it's your husband that needs to stop her from coming round. You're not being silly at all. It's a really awkward situation.

laxatives in the coffee??

On no account would I talk to her!! She could see that as you not trusting your DH and she could redouble her attentions.

Is your DH naive, likely to stray or just oblivious?

I would invite her round, as I said, for or both of them for drinks or a meal and try taking the wind out of her sails that way. Or flirt outrageously with her DH.

If it looks like a fish, and it smells like a fish...it's a fish!

Good advice from my Gran. Always, always trust your gut instinct and if you think your neighbour is setting her cap at your husband then she probably is.

I totally agree that men are sometimes so naive they don't actually always recognise feminine wiles when they see them ( after all my husband of 40 years thinks he pursued me lol) .

I think it's best to be open with your DH and explain it makes you uncomfortable. He loves you, he won't want that. All he has to do is not answer the door a couple of times when she rings, or instead of inviting her in, stop her at the door with a simple' I'm a little busy right now'.

Good luck!

Yes, whatnot, follow your instincts, because they're rarely wrong. Perhaps putting a quizzical and unwelcoming expression on your face the next time she floats in, or is found to be visiting again, may just do the trick.
Reminds me of years ago when DH worked at a pub in the evenings. I was in my early 20's then, and quite fiery . I'd noticed that this dainty wee barmaid (I have never been dainty or wee) was doing quite a bit of flirting with him and when one of the customers 'light-heartedly' commented that 'M' seemed to have a fancy for DH, I took matters into my own hands. That evening, we visited the chippy after he'd finished working, and who should be there in the queue but 'M'.... . I sidled up to her, and gave her a very sharp kick in the ankle. No-one noticed anything except her. Now, of course, I would never do anything like that nowadays - and wouldn't ever advocate violence....but it did work 45 years ago.....no more problems.

All good advice on here, so put it to good use.I would not have this situation, either and if it was vice versa how would your DH feel with you and the man next door?

I would ask DH to go shopping with me. Feign a bad back or something. Just tell him you need a little help. Just try to get him out with you. Let her see you going out as a couple. This will eat you up until it either blows over or it's sorted out somehow. The last thing you need to happen is that it comes between you and your DH.

Definitely needs sorted. I wouldn't tackle her alone, You could be misquoted... put down...
The idea of saying, whilst in company of dh, that her visits whilst you are absent have been mentioned to you sounds appealing.
And thereafter perhaps talk to dh about it. .... I.e. keep her distant.

As mentioned by pp ...No falling out with neighbours if possible....a different nightmare.

What reason does she give your DH for her constant visits? Is it for advice, borrowing something or just company? It does seem odd that she should just 'pop round' while you are conveniently out.

Best not to fall out with neighbours and if there is something in it, neither will admit it. I agree with Luckygirl - go shopping but come home sooner than usual.

Surely the question is: can your husband be trusted? My husband wouldn't notice if my next door neighbour made explicit overtures.

I agree with Luckygirl - claim your house and husband back ! What a horrible situation .

Presumably the husband is out at work while his wife makes advances to your husband. Have you invited them round as a couple, perhaps with other friends and then you can observe how she and your husband react to each other in company.