32 Year Relationship Over

Kitspur

I have been through what you are experiencing. At the time some said 'there will be a light at the end of the tunnel' I did not believe them and felt suicidal. That was thirty years ago. It was true I did find a light at the end of the tunnel. I did get married and divorced again. Started new hobbies and education courses. Retired in 2011 and moved to my retirement apartment in 2013 and you know what Kitspur? It was the best thing I have ever done. It is also the most content I have ever been. I am in the U3A(university of the third age) which gives me lots of interests. Eventually grabbing the bull by the horns, living an independent life is the best, doing what you want when you want. As long as you have good friendships,the world is your oyster.

Not at the moment are you ready, it is a bereavement. Remember you are as low as you are ever going to be and there is only one way to go after that UP. Onwards and Upwards.

Kitspurr. I do feel for you. On a practical note, CAB will help you sort out the financial things if that is a problem. Also, RELATE will help you with the marriage ending. I agree with the other gransnetters there is light and and new life waiting for you but it will take time to get there. Take care of yourself. hugs

'write' not 'right'! My brain knows how to spell but my fingers have forgotten.

By the way, it helped me enormously to right down what I was feeling but maybe that was just me.

I am so sorry you are going through this Kitspurr but you will come through and surprise yourself how good the new life can be.
My husband walked off for another woman almost to the day 40 years after we married. He took two months to move out during which I was angry to the point of illness but once that period was over I felt an overwhelming peace. It wasn't a good marriage. The financial side of it was terrifying as he had made such a mess of it and I was being chased by the taxman and didn't know how to begin to sort it out but I did and feel proud of myself to have done it. I felt a fool for my ignorance but just to keep the peace had omitted to retain any financial control - a mistake but I got over it and so will you.
I do have children and care of a grandchild which I know is a privilege but also holds me back from the activities I had looked forward to in retirement and these are all there for you to take and will help fill the void.
Counselling is a great idea and a chat with a solicitor if need be and support from so many who have been through the dark place and come through to a better life.
With every best wish.

So sorry to hear this. Please do not think it is all your fault being co dependant etc. That's just his story. As I see it we are all dependant on each other in many ways. I hope you have some good friends to stand by you. There are many caring and interesting people out there.Wish you all the very best.

So sorry to hear your news. Please hang in there, it will take time but you will begin to feel better.

Take time to re group after this shock. You have had many positive messages on here and you will continue to do so so turn to the members here for some support every time you need it.
You will need to sort the practicalities out pretty soon ie the house, (will you need to sell it if you both own it for instance) and your finances. Once those two huge issues are more settled you can get on with the 'grieving' and re building process.
If your partner has offered continued help in the future then perhaps you can draw on that, in a limited way, until you become stronger. If he is not with another partner who knows, perhaps you can become good friends in the future.....that of course is going to depend on many factors though of course. Take one day at a time. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and just remember, you WILL get through this dark tunnel and come out the other side.

Hello Kitspurr - I am just writing to say how sorry I am to hear your news. My relationship finished 2 years ago after 23 years together - within 4 months he had re-married to someone 25 years younger! Classic story really - not that it didn't/doesn't hurt very badly.
All I would suggest is to take it v easy on yourself - it will take a long time to recover - and do not beat yourself up about this - I had 'friends' who wanted me to move on - but I couldn't - it wasn't the right time to do this.

Although I have built a new life for myself - new home - new people - independence and freedom are not to be easily dismissed - but the process is painful - and I must stress, that this is normal.

I wish you all the best - keep a hold of who you are and find the things that make you feel yourself - I read - listened to music the louder the better - walked (now that was/is useful) avoided the booze - scared once I started I wouldn't be able to stop! And watched a lot of Netflix.
Hugs all round.

So sorry to hear your news, have read all the advise. All very good. Having been through a breakdown of my first marriage, not me and the death of my second marriage. It is very true you are grieving but with rejection tagged on. You will get through this, but be kind to yourself. Reiki is good, as is councilling. At the moment I am sure you feel like a chicken with it head chopped off going round in circles. Take time to asses everything, go out, even if it only means walking round the block. YOU will get there. A big hug ??

So sorry to read of your pain and loss Kitspurr. As others have said this will get better but it does take time. Hopefully you have supportive friends to help get you through.
My marriage ended after 33 years together (23 married) and I was scared and confused too. Now, 6 years down the line I couldn't be happier. My ex and I remain friends for the sake of our adult son but I now know that I could never go back, neither do I want a new partner. Freedom and independence is wonderful. I struggle financially but I manage and you will too.
I do agree that you should get legal advice but don't let them sour whatever relationship you have with your ex.
Also get counciling and any other support you can.
We're all here for you.

Dear Kittspur - my heartfelt sympathies.
My husband of 45 years marriage (46 years together), 4 children and 9 grandchildren, did the same to me - ditched me for another woman, and his excuse was that we no longer have anything in common.
I do know how you feel - I, at 72, have been faced with dealing with all the financial stuff etc. that he always dealt with, plus facing the future without him as a friend and partner. But please take heart - I am now into the 4th month after my divorce, and finding there is life beyond it and the future is not as bleak as I imagined it would be. Having the love and support of my children is a great boon - and finding out who are my friends, true friends, has been an eyeopener.
Please be of good cheer - how old-fashioned does that sound - but I hope you know what I mean. You will get through this and emerge as a much stronger woman than you now think you are.
Many warm hugs to you - I am certain Gransnet posts will be of help and comfort to you - as they were to me.

My 42 year marriage ended 18 months ago I also had brain surgery for a tumour. I was in a very dark place feeling like you do and also rejected. He
was with someone 2 weeks after the marriage ended. I recently met someone else who is caring and not afraid of expressing feelings that I now
realise were missing in the marriage.
It takes a long time to overcome the break up and I wished that there was a magic pill to take away the hurt.
Hang on !

Kitspur, I'm so sorry. I can empathise, too, and the pain and emotion and feeling of helplessness should not be underestimated. All I can say is that you WILL get through this, and you will feel better - and I hope this is a small glimmer of hope in your current darkness. I can also recommend an excellent family/relationship solicitor - please PM me if you'd like her name/details.

Best wishes to you at this timeof change in your life
I understand how you are feeling
Get all the help you can for you from friends & GP
xx

I can't add anything either. Just lots of warm (((hugs!))), much sympathy and the fact that I'm glad you're going to seek counseling. Please keep reaching out to us, too, though. And remember, "This too shall pass."

I cannot really add anything Kitspur except to say - do look after yourself in all of this.
Good advice from Shysal

Sending warm hugs and

I cant think of anything to add but good luck, the reiki will help.

No advice, Kitspurr, just kind thoughts and hugs

Shysal , very good advice . Kitspur please look after yourself and take all the support from anyone who offers it , but do see a solicitor xx

Kitspurr.l am very sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. Are you working or are you retired? I agree you need to be kind to yourself and if you have awful days when you do nothing don't worry about it but I think it helps to plan your days a bit and think of 3 things you will do/ see/achieve each day- one in the morning, one in afternoon and one in the evening. It just gives days a bit of structure. Hope friends rally round and give you some support. I agree it is a bereavement and bereavement is said to take two years on average to reach 'resolution,' or acceptance. Things will get better but give it time. Xx

Very sad, but wise words shysal.

I am sorry you are having to cope with this awful situation, I feel for you. It is a good thing that you have family support.
I would add a word of warning - don't take his word that he will help you in the future. If you haven't already, you really need to see a solicitor and get all settlements on a legal footing. I learnt to my cost that a supposedly honourable man can completely change if/when he meets a new partner!
Look after yourself.

Kitspurr, it's 30 years since I was hit with this announcement by my then husband. We had been together 16 years and had two teenage children who were supportive beyond their years. I'm so sad for you not having this comfort, but I am sure that you have friends who will rally round and lend a shoulder. It's a good idea to see your doctor as I did. A smallish dose of fluoxetine helped to steady the ship. I also kept a diary, tracing the stages I went through, shock...sadness...anger...resignation...recovery! Treat yourself well and accept as much help and friendship as you are offered. We are all here to lend our support.

Of course you are feeling dreadful - it is like a bereavement with the sense of rejection thrown in for good measure. But you WILL surface from this - I have had lots of friends who have done just that. Be kind to yourself - do not expect too much of yourself - give yourself time to get over it.

Gransnet members are here and happy to listen. Take care.