32 Year Relationship Over

Dear Kitspurr, I am so sorry to read your post. When my 19 year (17 married) relationship ended, it was not my choice and it felt like a bereavement. Some people do not like this comparison, but I think it is apt. You are grieving and the future looks very scary.

I want to reassure you that all the emotions and the attendant anxiety that you re experiencing are very normal. It will take time to process the rawness and to come through it, but you can and you will. At the moment, you need to be as gentle with yourself as you can be and to recognise that you are 'walking wounded.'

I am glad you are able to see your doctor and you may also benefit from being referred to a counsellor.

It doesn't matter how well things are talked through between you and your partner, rejection and loss are very hard on us. BUT, there is new life beyond the pain and it is possible to be happy in yourself again. It takes time and there is no hiding from the sadness, but please do not despair because there will be better days to come.

I can only reiterate what Imperfect27 has said. You must take care of yourself but do not hide away however easy that would be. Go out shoulders back, head held high and look the world in the face - you will not be disappointed with what you will see !
for you.

I am so glad Tiggy and Imperfect have answered I started several times and deleted what I had written,nothing seems appropriate.I kept coming back to your post hoping someone would stop and offer comfort.I have experienced all of those emotions just recently when my partner became ill with depression and was unsure where I stood,this is too raw still,although my partner is slowly recovering,the memory of it is still painful.
sending you a big hug because I cant give you advice or the words of wisdom you need...xxxxxxx and just letting you know your feelings are normal and understood by others.

kitspurr I am so sorry you must be heartbroken and that word conveys it all - it feels as though your heart has literally broken. I don't know what to say except there are a lot of us on here to talk to. I'm sending you one of my extra big hugs and wishing you well.

Thank you everyon

Thank you all so much. I do think it's a form of grief, as you do Imperfect27. I am going to see a counselor/therapist, also going to have reiki, so we'll see what they bring.

I never thought that I'd be the one asking for comfort due to this happening. I realise that people are left everyday & heartbreak is all around, but when you're on the receiving end of it, it's the most awful feeling that I wouldn't want anyone to experience.

Of course you are feeling dreadful - it is like a bereavement with the sense of rejection thrown in for good measure. But you WILL surface from this - I have had lots of friends who have done just that. Be kind to yourself - do not expect too much of yourself - give yourself time to get over it.

Gransnet members are here and happy to listen. Take care.

Kitspurr, it's 30 years since I was hit with this announcement by my then husband. We had been together 16 years and had two teenage children who were supportive beyond their years. I'm so sad for you not having this comfort, but I am sure that you have friends who will rally round and lend a shoulder. It's a good idea to see your doctor as I did. A smallish dose of fluoxetine helped to steady the ship. I also kept a diary, tracing the stages I went through, shock...sadness...anger...resignation...recovery! Treat yourself well and accept as much help and friendship as you are offered. We are all here to lend our support.

I am sorry you are having to cope with this awful situation, I feel for you. It is a good thing that you have family support.
I would add a word of warning - don't take his word that he will help you in the future. If you haven't already, you really need to see a solicitor and get all settlements on a legal footing. I learnt to my cost that a supposedly honourable man can completely change if/when he meets a new partner!
Look after yourself.

Very sad, but wise words shysal.

Kitspurr.l am very sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. Are you working or are you retired? I agree you need to be kind to yourself and if you have awful days when you do nothing don't worry about it but I think it helps to plan your days a bit and think of 3 things you will do/ see/achieve each day- one in the morning, one in afternoon and one in the evening. It just gives days a bit of structure. Hope friends rally round and give you some support. I agree it is a bereavement and bereavement is said to take two years on average to reach 'resolution,' or acceptance. Things will get better but give it time. Xx

Shysal , very good advice . Kitspur please look after yourself and take all the support from anyone who offers it , but do see a solicitor xx

No advice, Kitspurr, just kind thoughts and hugs

I cant think of anything to add but good luck, the reiki will help.

I cannot really add anything Kitspur except to say - do look after yourself in all of this.
Good advice from Shysal

Sending warm hugs and

I can't add anything either. Just lots of warm (((hugs!))), much sympathy and the fact that I'm glad you're going to seek counseling. Please keep reaching out to us, too, though. And remember, "This too shall pass."

Best wishes to you at this timeof change in your life
I understand how you are feeling
Get all the help you can for you from friends & GP
xx

Kitspur, I'm so sorry. I can empathise, too, and the pain and emotion and feeling of helplessness should not be underestimated. All I can say is that you WILL get through this, and you will feel better - and I hope this is a small glimmer of hope in your current darkness. I can also recommend an excellent family/relationship solicitor - please PM me if you'd like her name/details.

My 42 year marriage ended 18 months ago I also had brain surgery for a tumour. I was in a very dark place feeling like you do and also rejected. He
was with someone 2 weeks after the marriage ended. I recently met someone else who is caring and not afraid of expressing feelings that I now
realise were missing in the marriage.
It takes a long time to overcome the break up and I wished that there was a magic pill to take away the hurt.
Hang on !

Dear Kittspur - my heartfelt sympathies.
My husband of 45 years marriage (46 years together), 4 children and 9 grandchildren, did the same to me - ditched me for another woman, and his excuse was that we no longer have anything in common.
I do know how you feel - I, at 72, have been faced with dealing with all the financial stuff etc. that he always dealt with, plus facing the future without him as a friend and partner. But please take heart - I am now into the 4th month after my divorce, and finding there is life beyond it and the future is not as bleak as I imagined it would be. Having the love and support of my children is a great boon - and finding out who are my friends, true friends, has been an eyeopener.
Please be of good cheer - how old-fashioned does that sound - but I hope you know what I mean. You will get through this and emerge as a much stronger woman than you now think you are.
Many warm hugs to you - I am certain Gransnet posts will be of help and comfort to you - as they were to me.

So sorry to read of your pain and loss Kitspurr. As others have said this will get better but it does take time. Hopefully you have supportive friends to help get you through.
My marriage ended after 33 years together (23 married) and I was scared and confused too. Now, 6 years down the line I couldn't be happier. My ex and I remain friends for the sake of our adult son but I now know that I could never go back, neither do I want a new partner. Freedom and independence is wonderful. I struggle financially but I manage and you will too.
I do agree that you should get legal advice but don't let them sour whatever relationship you have with your ex.
Also get counciling and any other support you can.
We're all here for you.

So sorry to hear your news, have read all the advise. All very good. Having been through a breakdown of my first marriage, not me and the death of my second marriage. It is very true you are grieving but with rejection tagged on. You will get through this, but be kind to yourself. Reiki is good, as is councilling. At the moment I am sure you feel like a chicken with it head chopped off going round in circles. Take time to asses everything, go out, even if it only means walking round the block. YOU will get there. A big hug ??

Hello Kitspurr - I am just writing to say how sorry I am to hear your news. My relationship finished 2 years ago after 23 years together - within 4 months he had re-married to someone 25 years younger! Classic story really - not that it didn't/doesn't hurt very badly.
All I would suggest is to take it v easy on yourself - it will take a long time to recover - and do not beat yourself up about this - I had 'friends' who wanted me to move on - but I couldn't - it wasn't the right time to do this.

Although I have built a new life for myself - new home - new people - independence and freedom are not to be easily dismissed - but the process is painful - and I must stress, that this is normal.

I wish you all the best - keep a hold of who you are and find the things that make you feel yourself - I read - listened to music the louder the better - walked (now that was/is useful) avoided the booze - scared once I started I wouldn't be able to stop! And watched a lot of Netflix.
Hugs all round.

Take time to re group after this shock. You have had many positive messages on here and you will continue to do so so turn to the members here for some support every time you need it.
You will need to sort the practicalities out pretty soon ie the house, (will you need to sell it if you both own it for instance) and your finances. Once those two huge issues are more settled you can get on with the 'grieving' and re building process.
If your partner has offered continued help in the future then perhaps you can draw on that, in a limited way, until you become stronger. If he is not with another partner who knows, perhaps you can become good friends in the future.....that of course is going to depend on many factors though of course. Take one day at a time. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and just remember, you WILL get through this dark tunnel and come out the other side.