Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Wendysue if you read the nasty horrid comments directed at yogsgirl you will realise it is unlikely she would want to post again.

How very sad that cholet could trawl through 3 years posts get a life??
Yogagirl lives alone and has been to hell and back over estrangement it is unforgivable for admin to allow such horrid posts.

I guess it is sad reflection on society that as said before posters like that hide behind anonymity to be so vile.

Fortunately I belong to totally private group where it is more civilised.

Stansgran as you see fit to comment about my post ref ed I do hope one day she realises the hurt she has caused her parents. Having 3 daughters it is quite likely most of us parents realise it is not easy being parent we do our best or most of us do.

just strolling by we can understand the term harassment and so sorry you had to go through that.
I wish you best luck with your future Especially if you single mum that must be hard.

Oh, Yoga, just in case you read here again, I totally get your need to reach out to your grands on their birthdays! I agree that it doesn't help the situation/ that it probably makes the parents more determined to keep you way (sigh). And if you're hoping for an eventual reconcilliation, this won't move you in that direction. But if you feel the relationship is beyond repair, then I suppose it seems worth the risk to you.

Ladies, IDK, but by now, the parents probably anticipate this, so aren't as upset by it as the first time or two. They may even be avoiding the personal ads around this time, so maybe it won't cause as much strife one might think.

Oh, grannytomine, what a horrible experience your family members went/are going through. I just trust that the dad loves the kids and is taking good care of them. But I understand the concern about their being married off, eventually, etc. And, of course, the mom's pain in not having her children (and the GPs' pain, too, of course, and so forth.) They will be in my prayers.

I'm not sure how talk of baby equipment came into this, but I agree with the idea that it depends on the relationship and whether or not there have been other issues surrounding the new/coming baby. If the younger parents think the GPs have been trying to take over and have balked at unsolicited advice or unwanted gifts of equipment for their own home, they're likely to see this as another "take over" move. (By "this," I mean the GPs fitting their home out with lots of baby stuff. If the GPs have always shown respect for the parents as adults and asked about the equipment ("Should we?"... "What brand of this or that do you prefer?"), then it's more likely the parents will be ok with it, maybe even delighted (great to have less things to bring when visiting)! I kept some baby stuff at my house when my grands were little - diapers, burp cloths, wipes, a pack & play for them to nap or rest in and had a couple of gates where needed, as they got older. But except for the gates (necessary for safety) and maybe wipes (even if just for my own use, LOL) , I wouldn't have had any of this if the parents weren't cool with it.

Ok, I have DDs, no DSs, so no DILs - and maybe it is easier with DDs than DILs cuz there's a history there and lots of love and so forth. But some GNers have been CO by there DDs and some MNers seem to have CO their DMs. (I'm using the "D" here cuz I hope there's still love there, on some level, as some EGPs here have said there is in their hearts). So it's not always easier with DDs and I don't think those of us with DDs only can be complacent, FWIW.

Perhaps the poster who said she hoped her daughter would suffer like she had has just left out the 'never'. An iPad moment.
I have had my GC to stay for long periods in the summers and found it easier to buy second hand from a nursery shop and resell when they went home. Unless the childcare was on a permanent basis then the full on nursery is a bit over the top. It does suggest a takeover bid.

Its been hard reading both threads but its given me more insight I think.

Wow! A lot to catch up on! Thanks Yoga, celeb and Grannie for your votes of confidence! And thanks, Yoga and Smileless, for the flowers!

Definitely crossing everything, Smileless! Let us know how it works out!

Just a further plea for people not to make generalisations about estranged grandparents, their adult children or anyone else. Each situation is unique and painful in its own way.
This is a support thread-if you think what someone is doing is likely to make the situation worse there are gentle ways to help them think it through. Attacking people who are upset (even if you feel they lack insight) is unkind.

I am not a member of MN but I have read threads and their is also a lot of unkindness and rush to judgement on there too.

It makes life very difficult for anyone who is prepared to take an honest look at themselves.

grannytomine, I did mean to compliment you on your support for your DIL in what sounds like an unbelievably challenging situation. It must all have been (and probably still is) so upsetting for the kids, for you and DS, and of course for poor DIL. You sound like a proper source of strength

You rise again! I could change my name to phoenix but there's one here already. Hope you enjoyed your doughnut: it's got to have been tastier than a garlic cake!

JustStrollingBy

Totally agree with your very moderate,post!

It was about extremes - i.e. 'All you need is a gate...etc' posted by nannytomine

Maybe there are Gp's who go OTT but I wouldn't have thought that the amount quoted (£400), taken from a previous post on here, is particularly excessive and unlikely to be enough to cover the cost of decorating and equipping a top of the range nursery.

Anyway, I think it's highly unlikely that a daughter in law would cut off her inlaws simply because they spent £400 on equipment in preparation for an already arranged childcare commitment ! Estrangements always run far deeper than that. It's getting to the actual reason that is so often difficult.

I suspect this thing over the baby stuff is less about the stuff itself, and more about the messages around it.

At one end there will be a GM who says 'do you think it'd be a good idea to have a few bits for the GC here? What do you think/what kind of bits would you like?' And a chat follows in which the DC take the lead, and it would be mutually agreed what was best.

At the other (extreme) end will be the DC/DIL arriving at the GM house to find a fully kitted out nursery, down to Mama&Papas furniture and wall freeze, exactly as if the GM is having a baby. Which is massively unreasonable.

It's more about the over-stepping of new parent boundaries I think, not the actual cot or pram.

Welcome back Garliccake

Weren't you the lady who had been 'beaten?'

You rise again!

Frankly, I think most reasonable DIL's would be only too pleased that the person caring for their child on a daily basis,be it their MIL or a childminder, would have a decent cot/bed, highchair, safety gate/s and recommended child safety seat/restraint at their disposal. Doesnt that make sense?

Phew....I need a cuppa and a doughnut now. Hope there's no weight watcher trolls ready to pounce on me.

Once again, the thread regulars' comments cast light on the probable reasons for estrangement. Fascinating. Thanks, all.

Sorry fairydoll, I think the award for the most patronising comment on this thread for today has to go to you. The snarky " well done" addressed to grannytomine must get the Golden Biscuit.

nanytomime

I just don't think you get it on the subject of baby equipment. No, my friends g/c is not living with her, although she sometimes stays overnight BUT she needs a nap during the day AND my friend takes her out in the car to the park , for playdates with her friends g/c and two afternoons to nursery school. Why waste time twice a day swopping the car seats? I think the more sophisticated ones now are not that easy to swop between cars. My son has commented to this effect whilst transferring the car seat between his partners car and his own.

I was a DiL that had a terrible relationship with her MiL so I do have a lot of sympathy but I really think these things are never cut and dried.

One thing I will say is I do believe Grandparents should have a right to see or be involved in their grandchildren so lives. They are NOT the parents nor would they wish to be but I firmly believe the grandparent/grandchild relationship is a special and important one.

It would be wonderful if all the adults involved could take a step back and try to do something for the children involved regardless of how they feel about each other. I feel ( and this is JUST my opinion) that all too often children are used as weapons ...by all sides really. That's so sad.

Anyway, this is a support thread for those hurt by failed relationships so to them I would say, I feel for you and hope you find a way to regain some happiness in your lives. We may not understand their issues but they are as entitled to find comfort here and with one another as anyone else.

Fairydoll, sorry you think its patronising but it is frequently the case. None so blind as those that will not see. I suppose someone will say I am being rude and your post is lovely? No wonder relationships breakdown and some people will never learn.

Good luck to you all, I am off to collect my grandhcildren from school.

Why would anyone be offended by having the right equipment? Well it depends on the relationship, if you DIL thinks you want to take over she will see it as a threat and she will mark her territory i.e. make it plain the baby is hers not yours. How can you argue with that when it is the truth, she had the baby not you. You have had yours and even for someone like me who has had grandchildren placed with them by social services as a place of safety it is important to recognise what your relationship is. I worked very hard at helping my DIL regain her children and support the relationship. It would have been so easy for me to go for custody, they were living with me, thriving and healthy and m y son would have supported it, they were not together at the time. Just think what I would have faced if I had lost that battle.

grannytomine

I think you don't understand that you have to be more diplomatic with DIL than with daughter. Eh?????

That's about the most patronising comment on here today.

Further -
We will all have been DIL's and those of us with sons will more than likely have a,DIL at some point or their son will have a partner, so no great revelation there that you have been 'both.'
Well done.

NanaandGrampy, I am glad you said its their house and not their home as I think that is where people go wrong, they forget they are the parents children and we are lucky to have them in our lives. It is not a right and grandparents need to be aware of that.

I do think it tends to be less complicated for the mothers parents, I have friends who have disagreed with me on this but when DIL had a baby they have come back and said they were wrong. I have seen it on the internet lots of times as well, it always seems to be DIL taking offence at her MIL. Funny as years ago it always seemed to be the other way round, do you remember Les Dawson's MIL jokes?

For me I have worked so hard with the more challenging DIL, the one who attempted suicide. She has done alot of things I disagree with but I keep my mouth shut and am always there to support her. People say I do too much but it is for the sake of the children. Not easy for children when a parent has issues.

I do have them on a regular basis! I still don't see why anyone needs to spend hundreds to childmind their grandchild for a couple of days a week. They have a home, they have cots and all the other stuff. They are visiting the grandparents not living with them.

I'm sure they don't need a bowl that's theirs to be happy grannytomine . But I want them to have it . They all view our house as their house and that suits all of us just fine !

One thing I can say is their rooms are not my spare rooms. They are their rooms , they think so and we think so too. We have spare rooms so there is no conflict. I'm sure it's fine to have nothing and pick up from home, but my point was that a) my daughters don't have to which on occasion has been a godsend for spur of the moment plans and b) why would anyone be offended by having the right equipment?

I'm sure you're right it's different with DiL to daughters, so I can count myself lucky I only have daughters, and wonderful SIL.

Oh, for goodness sake - THAT was an emergency!!

We were talking about spending out for equipment when caring for g/c on a regular basis.

I might have to lay down in a darkened room now.

Just to add NanaandGrampy my GC arrived here one night when their mother attempted suicide, she was suffering from PND. The fact that they went to a bed in our spare room and had breakfast from a bowl that wasn't designated as "theirs" wasn't a problem at all. The next day I collected enough clothes to last them for a few days. The social worker who called was happy with the arrangments and didn't seem at all concerned that the buggy and car seat had been collected from home rather than being permanently at my house.