What do we do when we can't help them anymore?

Marelli I've only just seen this thread - I'm so sorry you are going through all this. We know so little, if anything, about why these things happen, but they happen to anyone and to the best of parents - your son could not have a more caring mum xx

Marelli hope it works out for you and your son

jingl, thank you.

Marelli You did good there.

auntbett, it's so hard, isn't it? One of the main problems is getting them to accept the help that they need, so that they can get out of this awful circle of self-destruction.
At the moment he seems to have gone to ground again. His phone's off and I know that he really just doesn't want to be bothered by anyone at all.
I hope your son continues to enjoy his job at the hospital. It'll do your heart good to see him improving as the days go by.
I wonder why this has happened though? I ask myself if it's something I did/didn't do when he was a little boy. Was I not strict enough with him and why did I not notice soon enough how his behaviour was changing?

I am so, so sorry. It's heartbreaking and life wrecking. I've been through some of this over a period of approx. 9 years. My 40 year sold is now back home with me and it's not easy. Some days he would not come out of his bedroom, other days he will be angry and snappy, but just recently he has improved and has had a short course of CBT, though only 6 sessions were permitted. Please do not give up hope. I know how bleak it can be. He had not worked for 2 years, having been made "redundant" from charity work. However, for 2 weeks he has been working as a health care assistant on a busy surgical ward (something he worked at over 10 years ago!) and I can see a gradual improvement. I hope your son finds something he can really get into apart from self-destructive behaviour. Never give up hope and keep posting to get support. It is useful if your son as a decent GP - but many are just not interested I've found. We found our local CBT facility directly on the internet and it is NHS.

f77ms, it's the unspoken fear we have, isn't it? We can't speak to our adult children about it (well, we can, but walk on eggshells as we do it, or we distance them even further).
Like you, the constant fear is at the back of my mind, expecting the knock at the door, the phone call... My DS has also lost friends - at least one to legal highs and others to heroin - although he hasn't used that, thankfully.
I live in Scotland, so services like 'famanon' aren't available to us (thank you for the link, Luckygirl). There are others, although I think they're run by NHS (?)
I appreciate the info you've given cassandra, and should he have problems regarding housing, we could approach the relevant housing officer.
I could never not give my all. The last few days have been an absolute nightmare of overthinking and fear. Tomorrow's another day, as they do say.

Just read your very moving post marelli glad you feel better about things now, it"s the keeping in touch that is so important and knowing that you are loved by somebody.Hope he will stop the downward spiral now and start to think that life can be good again.

Marelli I'm so glad you managed to have some contact with him, and reassured him that you love him. I feel for you

Glad you have had contact . I too was amazed to see a few others who have had a similar problem as you and I . I always feel so alone with it as I never had any support from anyone (except my sister who I can talk to) My eldest is such a lovely kind man but when under the influence I can`t bare to be near him . It is 25 years now of this terrible problem and I don`t think it will ever be any different .

It has affected me in so many ways , health, finances , living with a constant fear at the back of my mind. He has lost so many friends to addiction , it seems every few months someone else dies .

There really is no support for families , famanon is an online forum but the general message is have nothing to do with them if they are using substances . Your children are always your children and I can never turn my back .

Hopefully things will get better for you all now. However, if you do think your son is ever at risk of losing his flat, contact SHELTER and speak to a qualified housing adviser. Or someone similarly qualified at your local housing advice centre run by the council (they will give advice and assistance to anyone in whatever tenure).Whether he is a tenant or a home owner he and you need to know what his legal rights and obligations are whatever happens - and what help or advice and support is available to someone in his situation.

If you do contact them, DO tell them about the substance abuse and possible mental health issues. Letters from GPs and psychiatrists following assessment can be very helpful in keeping existing accommodation or accessing an alternative.As can reports from mental health teams including social services. If things get bad again, he could perhaps be considered vulnerable - and if so might meet the council priority need criterion for help to get another place or keep the existing roof over his head if the worst happens. You may never need to use this information - and a counsellor sounds like a good idea and preventive measure - but forewarned is forearmed.

You get ten out of ten for supportive parenting!

That's good news Marelli

Marelli I've just caught up with this thread, so am delighted to read you've had contact with your son. All the very best to you both x

There's always hope Marelli, we're all rooting for him and you xx

Marelli just read your post send you my support to yourself and hope to your son

That's great Marelli, it must have been such a relief to hear his voice. So glad for you, you've been on my mind all day. X

You are all so kind and helpful. Thank you. I went along to his flat and as I knew would happen, he didn't answer the door and as his key was in the lock, I couldn't use my key to get in. I also tried knocking on the bedroom window to rouse him, but to no avail. I sat in the car and wrote a note, wrapped some money in it and told him it was for food and power, should he need it (I'd sneaked a look at his electric power-card box, which is on the outside of the house and saw it was down to the last couple of pounds). I then just had to come back home. Just back in the house when DS texted me, having switched his phone on when he realised I'd been at his door. He said he was fine, feeling pretty low, but that he'd 'survive'.
He was in a relationship for a couple of years with a girl who had a drink problem and they both abused substances during this time. He'd fallen for her deeply and since the break-up last summer, he's been on the downward spiral. He's made friends again with his sister (who unfortunately has estranged herself from me a few years ago) - I say made friends with her again, because they fell out after he made a mess of her house when under the influence of 'whatever' a few months ago. However, although she doesn't speak to me, she and DS have a close relationship and I'm so glad that it's being mended now, because she'll be very supportive towards him. The bottom line of it all, I think, is that he feels worthless.
After having received his text, I phoned him, just hoping he'd answer my call, and he did. Being able to speak to him lifted my spirits and I was careful not to ask him questions, but just to say that I loved him more than life itself (as we do all of our children, don't we), and that the GP would listen and give him the right support, whether it be suggesting more counselling or whatever he/she thought was appropriate.
After having spoken to DS, his dad and I went for a bit of a drive and a long walk. Just having a bit of space and bright, 'snow-shine' did help a good bit.
Reading all of your posts has helped me so much - not that I want others to suffer similar awful things, but just to know that I'm not alone in the 'fearfulness' that raises its head sometimes. Bless you.

Our son got involved with drink and drugs at University. He stopped attending lectures and doing assignments. He failed exams and had to retake. We were on the point of going to fetch him by bundling him in the car when he rang and said "I need to come home"
He is now 28 - has a good job and a nice flat but still suffers from depression occasionally. He seems to be able to fight through it. I tell him off if he doesn't reply to texts/messages. I don't send many. He does try I know. If I'm cooking a roast dinner I invite him and he often comes. He has many friends but no serious partner, which I think might help. Good Luck the advice you have been given is good - keep showing you love him and care for him.

Marelli have also spells of this with my son now 33,he has either smoked it,stuck it up his nose or down his throat,He is well at the moment but you always have the fear that something will pull them back.My son has had anti depressants which interacted with the vodka he drank to help him sleep,his GF of the time called me hysterical and we drove in our night clothes to reach him,he wouldnt answer the door so I just kept knocking until he answered ..and got forcibly ejected off the doorstep but at least I knew he was ok,we text and always he knows he is loved as I am always telling him,at the moment he is well,but it is never far from my mind this could so easily change very quickly,sending you a hug and support xxxxx

Does your son have siblings or a really close friend? He may find it easier to communicate with them rather than you. Not because he doesn't love you but because it's someone of his generation and may not be fraught with so much emotion. Whatever happens, hang on in there. We are all thinking of you.

Marelli. Really sorry to hear the awful situation you are in. No matter how old they are you worry no less and love them no less. You are obviously treading on eggshells around him trying not to say or do anything that makes things worse. I can identify with that.
You have lots of good advice here but the only thing I would add is that you can talk to his doctor. He does not have to make any comment but will take on board what you say. If you are concerned for your son's safety then you can tell the doctor and maybe even the police.
In my experience it seems that once the immediate emergency has passed nothing seems to be carried through, as in the mental health issues don't get addressed quickly enough. Appointments take ages and you need help now. It is also very difficult to intervene as a parent of a grown up child. Have you tried the mental health charities, or are you in a position to pay for some private sessions of some sort? It may help.

Don't be afraid to air your fears and distress; it is called love.
Wishing you luck.

I agree with the others but would like to add one thing. Can you bring him home with you, even if you have to really work hard to persuade him? If you can get him away from his environment he may eventually see what he is doing to himself. I hope so.

Never give up hope. I know someone who went in and out of this situation and eventually seems to have changed, he is 44 too. It took masses of family support and the love of a wonderful girl. His family never gave up and were tough on him and now he goes to AA every week to keep him on track. Please stick with it.

Kazzer xxx

Marelli, I hope that you have been able to make contact - how many sleepless nights do we anxious parents watch and weep through...?

My own dear mum said to me once that you worry about your beloved children from their first breath to your last...and it seems to be so, in my experience.

It was truly so much easier when we could dry tears, bandage cut knees and soothe childhood fears, but adult life is so complicated these days that all we CAN do is 'be there' most of the time and make sure that our children know that. I am sure that your son does know how much you love and care for him, despite his current lack of contact.

You need to look after yourself, as well...worry is so debilitating...do please call on all the support you can for yourself as well as for your DS. I do so feel for you -this could be any one of us or our sons or daughters, very easily. My own eldest son lives a very alternative lifestyle and I have worried so much over the years - still do when I look ahead to his later years - he too is in his forties. However despite all the drugs he tried and places he went etc, he has now settled into a permanent job and whilst still rejecting a conventional lifestyle, he has proved beyond a doubt that the odd trip off the rails doesnt necessarily spell ultimate disaster. Take heart.

On a practical note, does your DS have a contract phone or a PAYG? Phone companies are quick to cut contracts off if the monthly direct debit bounces - and if he is short of cash and on PAYG, he may just be out of credit at the moment so unable to respond to calls or texts.

Take care, lots of people on here thinking of you (((xxx)))

Marelli, I have come late to this thread, so I imagine you are on your way to your boy now or (I so hope) you are there with him. My heart breaks for you. And for him, because it's not a place he wants to be in. It is so awful to watch our grown up children when they are in trouble, knowing we can't help them. All you can do is be there for him, just let him know, always, that you love him, that no matter how bad life gets for him, you will always be there.
But equally important, you must take care of yourself, or you will be no help to him. I hope you have managed to see him today. Stay strong ((((hugs))))