What do we do when we can't help them anymore?

Just wanted to say thank you so much to you gransnetters for your helpful comments and support. Very much appreciated.

Glad you got to spend time with DS, Marelli and go food shopping with him. His complaint about your constant question makes me rethink my earlier statement. Maybe you do need to back off, as you say, yourself, even in this situation. I know you worry, but I guess you need to let him deal with this in his own way.

I feel so deeply for all of you in this thread who are going through similar things. But I think all of these younger people need to be in Narcotics Anonymous or one or more of the other organizations mentioned here. It's so normal, I think, for a parent to try to help. But it's really beyond us, I believe.

Auntbett, I'm so sorry that your DS has the added complication of his X and her claims. I'm not sure if you can know exactly what happened between them - you weren't there, after all - but you seem confident that the charges are false. And when I put together everything you've told us, his X does sound very unstable and cruel. My heart goes out to both you and DS, and I hope things begin to get better soon.

Auntbett I do hope things become easier for your son , what an awful situation for him, and you. Mumofmadboys I too lie awake feeling ill with worry. So good that you were able to shop with your son Marelli, and that you could talk with him.

marelli xxx
M was a user of recreational drugs.. and a short step away from the next high..he had to move 250miles to live with dad for a year away from all the contacts and "friends" he had made ,to get clean.each time a relationship has finished (due to his inabilty to commit),this goes through my mind ..is he ..will he..there is no peace from it xxx

mumofmadboys, Rob Parsons and his CftF team are are well in the running for the title of my all time 'unsung heroes'.

I too have a son who causes me a lot of worry. He is 29 and uses recreational drugs. He has a lot of debts having obtained loans over the net( grrr!). I waste a lot of time worrying and my sleep is disturbed at times and it gets me precisely nowhere!!! Rob Parsons from an organisation called Care for the Family says re parenting 'Don't take all the credit and don't take all the blame!' How true!
I hope things improve for you Marelli.
It is important on this thread to distinguish between recreational drug use and addiction to hard drugs. Certainly addicts ideally should not be given cash.

auntbett, that's such a sad story and must make you so angry for your son. There would be little you could do for him, other than stand on the sidelines and pick up the pieces.
I've accessed Families Anonymous and am waiting for their reply email. Today I helped him tidy away lots of rubbish that had built up. We did a food shop and he's got power, so he'll have heating. I didn't give him money, just bought the food.
He's very tired, and I know that now he'll be in bed asleep. He's hit a really bad patch, and I know his friends know this, too. What he did say to me though, was that my continual asking 'Are you ok'? is annoying him a lot, so I do know I need to back off.
So many of us are going through such tough times, and I just want to say thank you to all who have been so supportive to me.

Hi Marelli. When things aren't going well it's an easy trap to full into to start blaming yourself and looking back to see where things might have gone wrong. I'm not sure that it does much good though! I can certainly think of times that I might have done things differently, but even those parents whose children have never stepped out of line and seemingly appear to be stable and getting on with things question themselves. My son certainly still has his moments, well more than moments actually, and while your instinct is to step in and try and make things better, it doesn't necessarily always help. I am much more careful with my interventions these days even when I see him "suffering" and eventually I will pick up signals that it is a time when there is a better chance that he will accept approaches. Difficult on all counts! My son's father died when he was only 13 after some years of illness and I think that had a profound effect. At the time he seemed too good to be true but his grief is still emerging in different ways. The catalyst for that came about in a terrible and vengeful way. He was besotted by a fellow healthworker who was pregnant and apparently abandoned. Long story, but my son moved in with her and brought up baby. He thought it was for life. She aborted his own baby 2 years later and he was heartbroken. He returned to her and she immediately wanted to start a family with him and twins were born in 2009. In 2012 she made a false allegation to the police that my son had threatened and attacked her and his little boy. A solicitor's letter ensued asking him to stay away, but she has systematically tried to destroy my son, prevents him from seeing his children and makes absurd phone calls to me. It's a massive mess and he suffered a major breakdown and to this day finds it difficult to cope. His enhanced DBS check shows it was all lies. A saga, I'm sorry, but what I'm saying is that all you can do is be around but not to crowd your son and let him come to you. With love.

Do you think your son might get in touch with The Samaritans.They wiil be able to point him in the direction of help.

Thank you Chrishappy and harrysgran for your messages. Son's wife is in deniel about condition and this sort of thing is just what she fears and son has tried to avoid outside intervention as this is what start her paranoia. He was hoping to wait for results of brain scan to see if anything could be done to help. To be honest I don't think he is as patient as he could be with her, getting a bit agitated and sometimes impatient, although I know it's difficult. Harrysgran I know how hard family relations can be ; my husband and son fell out before husband became very ill and son wouldn't see us for over a year. They were reconciled before husbands death I am glad to say.

Grrr predictve txt should say respite ont despite !!!

Bamm, l would maybe request some despite care for your DIL as your son sounds exhausted. Find out if she has a key worker or social worker and help your son to request help. Unfortunately due to cut backs social services are stretched to the Max and vunerable people are slipping through the net which is totally unacceptable

Really feel for you I wish you and your son the best I love my son but he has brought a lot of trouble and heartache to me and his father and it has to be said all of it played a part in our eventual divorce he no longer has contact with his father and lives with me we still have our arguments but on the whole he has matured and seen his mistakes at the end of the day you can just let them know you are there it's unconditional love but at the same time you need to consider yourself as well

My son, in mid 40's is married to someone 30 years his senior. They have been largely happy for 20 years but now she has dementia with a degree of paranoia and is awaiting a brain scan . He has Asperger's and finds it really hard to cope with it all and has landed at my house in quite a state as she called the police and said he was mentally harming her. She has someone with her at the moment I think ( they live a long way from me ) but he is her carer and she needs his support as she has no other family near and has asked him to return. I am very fond of her but feel I need to support my son as he seems at his wits end . He has not worked for quite a while ( used to lecture part time ) and seems to stay up most of the night now and sleep all day. He says he will return home next week as he can only cope if he has breaks from it all. I am not sure how best to help them . My husband died just over a year ago after 10 years of illness and dementia and I don't feel that good at coping either !

It would be far better to give them food than to give them money,as I can assure you it would not be spent on food ,that is unfortunately the nature of the beast that this illness is

Sorry, tablet went mad, I mean Marelli !

I am so sorry that you are having these difficulties Marcello,

I can understand why one would give them money Chrishappy. They will still need food and warmth and I imagine it's a worry that they could turn to crime if left completely destitute.

Having had a great deal of experience with family and friends in this situation I find it difficult to understand why people give them money!! It's either spent on alcohol or drugs or even if its spent on food and bills it still allows them to spend their own money on drugs! The fellowships of AL-ANON and FAMILIES ANON are fantastic self help groups that support families and friends going through emotional turmoil. They do Not advocate leaving people alone in that cold sense at all !!! They do encourage you to look at your own feelings and to accept that you have no power to change another human being, and maybe to see how your actually enabling the addict to continue their behaviour by ' helping' them. It's a painfull situation and the help from others who have been through the same and have come out the other side is immeasurable. Addicts can receive amazing help that changes their lives if they want it from either Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, both of which are free and there are hundreds of meetings around the country. As a mother once our children are adults our job is to love them unconditionally not to run their lives for them or to try and fix them, that is their job

Many years ago, my son became both drug and alcohol addicted.
We found Families Anonymous UK very helpful in giving us the
self-confidence to get him sorted out. They know their way around the system, and give you emotional support throughout your fight to help your son.
I have just googled them, and they are still running their service.
As their name suggests, you and your son remain completely anonymous.
By the way, my son got through his problems, and now lives a normal sort of life.

grannyactivist, I know you are right, of course. Perhaps we feel the need to find a reason for their behaviour, and the most obvious one is to point a finger at ourselves, and with that in mind, try to sort things for them.
Iam64, what you've said also rings very true, because those of us who do have adult children with these problems know how self-centered they can become. I don't know how many (or any) might take a step back and think to themselves, 'Oh, I must change my ways - look at what I'm doing to my mother'.
It's the not knowing, though - the wondering and the fear of if they're OK, have they got food, will they lose their job, flat, and because of all this, will they sink lower.....
We have to look after ourselves emotionally and physically, though when they're at such a low ebb, it seems as if we need to be there alongside them. Commonsense tells us we're no good to anyone if we go under too, though. We're mothers and commonsense does kick in sometimes.

Yes "it is not my fault" is important granny activist.

Someone earlier talked about the general advice from substance misuse forum/s support services, being to have nothing to do with them when they're using substances. I expect most of us would find it very difficult, if not impossible to 'turn our backs' on our children. The behaviour of adults who have long been dependent on and misusing substances can be abusive and anxiety provoking in the extreme. There's a difference I feel, between turning the back and creating some emotional distance. The parents/loved ones of people with substance/addiction problems need to continue to live a life without going under themselves as this thread demonstrates. Wishing everyone well

Good post GA.

Marelli (((hugs)))

for Marelli and others who are going through tough times with adult children.

Now, repeat after me, 'It is not my fault, it is not my fault.........'

None of us have been/are 'perfect' parents, but it's my guess that most of us are 'good enough' and did the best that we could at the time. We love our children imperfectly, but honestly there are few of us parents who don't do what we can, when we can, to help our children - at whatever age they may be. Please, take courage that others are also finding parenting their adult children difficult and let's take heart that things may get better in the future.

So good to hear that things worked out as well as they did, Marelli! I know your son still has a long way to go, but please have faith that he'll get there. Having a caring mother like you is probably more of a help than you'll ever know.

In general, ladies, I'm wondering if some of the ones who abuse alcohol or drugs aren't already suffering from depression and trying to self-medicate the only way they know how. I realize sometimes it seems like the depression comes on when they're sober, cuz they miss the high or cuz they feel guilty about all they've done wrong. And I'm sure those things don't help. I'm just wondering if some of them weren't battling depression for a long time before that, anyway, even if the family didn't realize it.

Not that it matters. The important thing is that they get well now. My heart goes out to all of you in this thread who are dealing with the kind of situation. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers...