Walking on eggshells?

I've just returned to this thread and seen the last few posts from Wendysue and Heavenknows...thank you ladies for your replies. I am reassured that it seems that I am not alone in this! As soon as I became a grandparent I made a conscious effort not to offer advice, but as you have said, often that causes problems too. Since my OP I have kept a low profile, hoping that my DD will notice (maybe not!} and reflect on her behaviour. She has been in touch via texts and I have kept the conversations short and light hearted. I will wait and see what happens when next we meet. Thanks again for your advice... it has really helped. Good luck to us all!!

Sigh... she's very difficult, I see, heavenknows. Maybe it's just as well the two of you have some space from each other, as much as it may hurt sometimes. You need the peace, I imagine, and maybe she needs some time to clear her head. I just hope she realizes one day how unfair she's been and reaches out to you again in a loving spirit (not just cuz she needs something or anything like that).

hahahaaha
Yes, I've tried similar with dd.

Suggesting she ask someone like the GP (or anyone) is in her opinion the same as offering advice, and seems to be like a red flag that she cannot do it on her own.

Saying I am sure/confident/certain she can work it out for herself also seems to trigger the idea that I'm not willing to help.

Telling her "when I offer advice, you don't like it" even very tactfully earns me a flaming row over how clearly I am only interested in helping her if she agrees with me.

Frankly, if she asks my advice, I'd be happy to give it, and she can either take it or leave it. (it's how I've had to work with my parents - especially my father prior to his passing - for years with their unsolicited advice!!) But she asks my advice, I give it honestly and tactfully, she disagrees and get all worked up over it. Days, weeks, months later, she asks for advice on the same situation again. Then if I repeat it, she says "you already said that." And I say "did it work?" And she'll say "I didn't do it." <sigh> Okay, you asked, I answered, you ignored, fine, but now what do you expect? I'm not a bloody 8-ball giving different answers every time you shake me.

Wow. Thanks for answering me, heavenknows. I'm so sorry about the abuse in your childhood. IMO, you are a very brave person and you found some great ways to deal with your mother.

As for your dd, I totally hear you! I've had the same problem with one of my dds. In my case, I found that spelling it out for her helped ("Look, when I advise you this happens, but if I don't that happens."). Also, telling her I "have the CONFIDENCE" that she can work it out seems to help (and I really do) more than just, "work it out for yourself.". Cuz when I express my faith in her, then she's like, "Oh, you know I can!" And suggesting someone else to ask, if it's appropriate, like the doctor and so forth. But I don't know if any of these solutions would help you. Or maybe you've tried similar and it didn't work. And, for now, I understand if you just want to maintain some distance.

As far as my mum was concerned, it was a combination of things. Asking her opinion on some things (so she felt I wanted her opinion), lightly saying "oh that's okay, thanks, I've got that covered-taken care of-dealt with already" and changing the subject, or simply excusing myself from the phone call if she got pushy "Sorry, I have to go, I can't really get into this discussion. I'll ring you back another time." Polite. Calm. And sometimes, she'll offer opinions that are helpful, and other times I just put it aside. But we also had some abuse issues from when I was a child, and I had to put that aside. She realises now that it was not good, but I also realise that a lot of it was "socially acceptable" back then. I had a choice of putting it aside and building up a new relationship with her or dwelling on it, being bitter, and having no decent relationship with my mother who now is quite a different person than she used to be when I was younger. That, of course, helped greatly, as she is not nearly as demanding and overbearing as she used to be.

My dd would ask my opinion, then if it didn't agree with hers, she'd get angry and that's be that. NC for awhile. Then when I reached a point of saying "I don't really know, you decide what you think is best" when she asked my opinion, then I was being "unhelpful and not involved in her life." It truly was "no win" situation.

Yeah, wanted to add that I understand why you often don't speak up when DD is rude, Lynker. As Lillie says, it might not really help.

But if it gets too much, sometimes, is it possible for you to just leave (if you're at her house, for example) or make some excuse to end the visit if she's at yours? Or end the conversation if you're on the phone? Maybe you could even say, "I see you're upset now, so I'll give you some space. Let's talk later." I don't know. You know your DD and have more of an idea of how she might react to that than I do.

Heavenknows, I've noticed a change, also. I think we used to get mad at some of the same things, but we were less likely to be rude to or CO the offending mother or MIL so completely. We might cut back on contact or limit the types of contact, as you did, or get into arguments. But most of us still drew the line at actual rudeness - I would never say the things to my mother that my DDs sometimes say to me, no matter how tired or rattled I was. And most of us would never CO a mother or MIL so completely as some of them do today.

I'm not sure if the change signals a lack of respect though or just a lesser tolerance for certain behaviors. (I'm NOT saying that the OP has done anything wrong, just speaking in general.) Ok, of course rudeness is disrespectful, but isn't it possible that, in some cases, it just means the DD or DIL is fighting more forcefully against the DM or MIL crossing any boundaries?

I know that you (general parent) can avoid offering unsought advice, as you do, and still have your DD go off on you at times. I rarely offer unsolicited advice either and yet, sometimes, one of my DDs will go off on me, just cuz she's in a bad mood or whatever. So I know where you and the OP are coming from.

But I'm wondering how you rebuilt your relationship with your mother, unless she cut back on the "demanding and overbearing" behavior. Did you let her know what was bothering you? Or find a way to stave her negative behavior off? Or did she just change after having experienced limited contact? I know this in not what this thread is about. But maybe your solutions with your mother will help Lynker find new ways to deal with her DD.

Biting one's tongue Lynker comes with the territory of being the parent of an adult daughter, as does the emotional fallout. Whenever my girls are upset and "going off on one," I try to keep serene and say nothing. Very often they are seeing things only from their own perspective and, as has been said, perhaps they see me as a safe pair of hands when giving vent to their grumpy feelings. Occasionally I say, "What can we do to make things easier?" but usually the problem has blown over by the next day anyway.

I think we all just want everyone to be happy and answering back doesn't really help.

just reading this thread has helped me. I think that with my daughter in law and as step mother to our son it is a very difficult situation. I walk on egg shells constantly. They are under going a separation at the moment and it is very difficult on everyone. I don't offer advise until I am asked. It is great that I have a good relationship with my daughter in law, I am very lucky there. We have a lovely little grand-daughter who is two and is definitely going through "the terrible two's". She is a delight.
But, the egg shells are constantly under my feet. I am at the stage where I am backing off a little to let them get on with sorting out there problems and their life. At this stage of my life I want peace and happiness. I don't want drama's. So I am going to quietly tip toe into the background for a bit (they probably won't even notice!)

Maybe it's my age (50), but while I do have that kind of stress with my dd (we're estranged at the moment, as I refused to accept her rude and nasty treatment of me and her younger siblings), I have a better relationship with my own mother. I've had issues with my mother, and I limited contact at one point (years ago) to email and letter writing, as the moment she was on the phone, she was demanding and overbearing and it was just difficult to talk to her. Gradually, I built back up the relationship and now we can chat on the phone for quite some time (she lives abroad) and if she offers advice on something, I listen, and then do what I choose to do, without feeling obligated to follow her advice. It's a much better relationship now.

I rarely offered advice unless dd specifically asked for it - except on a couple occasions where she was being unbelievably rude to someone (not me) and I mentioned it to her afterwards. (but believe me, her behaviour was appalling, and I was tactful - what I WANTED to say was "What the blazes makes you think that was appropriate??")

I sometimes wonder in this era where parenting is challenged constantly, and there seems to be little respect for adults (yes, I know - I'm trailing into old fashioned territory here), that the older generation is given less and less respect, and this is just a symptom of it throughout the generation. Not all families, of course, but a lot of them. Family dynamics are much different now than they were years ago - some of that is good, but some not so much.

LOL! Sorry to laugh, Lynker, but, with a few exceptions, I don't think it ever gets easier! What's that saying?

"When they're little, they step on your toes; when they're big, they step on your heart." So often true, I think, even when they don't mean to.

I agree with everything other posters have said. Just want to make sure that you aren't offering well-meaning but unsolicited advice to DD, especially about the kids, her husband or any issues she's stressed about. I don't think you do since you're worried about hurting your relationship with her and say you bite your tongue a lot. But I'm mentioning this, just in case.

If you are giving her unasked-for advice, you mean it to be helpful, I'm sure. But she may hear it as criticism. And that's probably the one thing she feels she can do without. Better, IMO, to just listen abd say things like, "aw, honey" and "that's awful." But chances are, you're already doing that. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for your replies ladies... I think you are probably right Luckygirl. She has been on the phone today, offloading about one thing and another and again tonight, as one of the children is unwell and her husband is at work. We are very close, it's just so unpleasant being treated so harshly for no apparent reason. I am reluctant to challenge her, as I would hate to create a bigger issue between us, but I take on board your excellent advice Elena and will bear it in mind for the future. I have read so much good advice on here, since becoming a new nanny, but I DID think I knew how to be a mum! I thought that when my children were grown up, it would be easy!!

Good advice elena I would do the same. we have had a few threads in this topic, a lot of people have to tread on eggshells around family, and it's hard going!

Luckygirl I also thought about the aspect of letting off steam and that we love them unconditionally...... perhaps sometimes our offspring need reminded that being a parent doesn't rob us of feelings that can be hurt.

Speaking generally and not specifically about ops DD.

I don't share the problem, Lynker, but I do know what you mean, and I have come across it with friends and daughters.

You have two possibilities, the way I see it:

* arrange an outing, just for coffee or maybe afternoon tea, and use the chance to share your sadness with her - not by blaming her, but by asking how you can both support your relationship, and being open to changes you can make in yourself as well. Tell her, without sounding martryed, that you sometimes feel you annoy and irritate her, and this makes you feel sad and 'got at'.....what can you both do, to change this dynamic?

* the other one is to calmly refuse to be the butt of rudeness. Next time she speaks to you in a way that's not acceptable, respond, calmly and briefly, by saying something like 'sorry - I don't like being spoken to like that'.

My daughter has occasionally said something rude to me - like you say, in a way she would not with anyone else. I have reacted by being quiet for a second or two, and then said the sentence above, or something like it. But she doesn't make a habit of it (though she did when she was a teenager!)

Hope this helps a bit. No doubt others will have some good ideas, too

Not only dds. When it comes to our offspring we are eggshell experts. I sometimes wonder about those parents and dgps who feel able to speak up regardless of the consequences. Do they have great confidence that the relationship will overcome any hurdles. Or are they at the point of frustration where they think sod it.....

Or indeed, if we spoke up regarding the (thoughtless?) lack of respect, are we afraid of opening a can of worms?

It sounds as though you are the place where she can let off steam and be grouchy - often the way in families. You might regard it as a compliment that she sees you as a safe place where she can be her inner grumpy self at this stressful time, as she knows you love her unconditionally.