Adult children

Wish I had done wise words to help you. If your daughter works, couldn't she pay the going rent on the room to save getting a lodger ? It must be a constant worry for you. Best of luck.

Thanks Luckylegs9 - it's not so much her paying me the going rate of rent but more that she can cope somewhere else without my emotional support.

I'm not sure I understand - surely your daughter would feel very stressed and rejected if you asked her to move out of her home to make way for a lodger...

Are you sure she could cope on her own?

Oh for goodness sake! Whyever did you feel the need to "prepare her for you dying"? that can't have helped any mental health issues she may have. Just make your will quietly, and leave it at that.

Let her find her own place at her own pace. Unless you really can't do without the money to be made by renting out her room.

Sounds as though she has had a very insecure background for most of her life. You can't possibly want to pile more stress on her.

If she went somewhere else she would still get some emotional support I presume? But it might not be enough? [though working in journalism for a daily national paper must be quite a stressful situation I would have thought].

Is the house big enough to accomodate her and a lodger[and her still to have her own room]

Or she ups her rent as Luckylegs9 says[so preusmably this is about you wanting your DD to move out I am presuming].

Any mother, especially one in her late sixties, would want to give wholehearted support to a child who was suffering emotionally from having had a poor start on life. At what point do you think responsible parenting resolves into an 'all about me' situation?

Ana Ever since DD2 said she would be looking for somewhere to house share about 2 months ago I've been concerned but not said anything - just told her when she's ready that's fine by me. I'm hoping when she is completely independent she will cope, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

Jingle - It is DD2 who has said she will be moving out now that she can afford to do so - she doesn't know about a possible lodger replacement as that has come up by chance not because I've looked specifically for one.

As for my Willand other arrangements, I do believe that our nearest and dearest need to know our wishes so there is no confusion or arguments among them at what will obviously be an emotional time.

In any case I need to prepare her for the fact there will come a time when I won't be around rather than let her hope that I'll be there forever (which in her heart is what she hopes!)

I'm sorry, lucyinthesky, I missed the bit in your post about your daughter looking for alternative accommodation.

Jingle At what point do you think responsible parenting resolves into an 'all about me' situation?

I find your comment very hurtful - this is far from being all about me - my concern is that my daughter feels comfortable with her own decision to live somewhere else. She would be the first one to say how much support I have always given her (to make up for the lack of support and love from her father, at the very least)

DD2 is an adult at age 30 and it is my responsibility to help her manage independently as much as it is to continue to support her emotionally and mentally whenever necessary.

(I mean I had missed it, not that it wasn't there!)

obione As she will be moving in with complete strangers I doubt whether she will get emotional support - she is very private and takes a long time to give her trust to others - she has a small group of close friends but her work means she has less social time than they do. She loves her work which is great.

I live in a two bedroom flat so no there is no other room. In any case it is DD2 who is making the move now that her salary allows her to do so - I have told her a number of times there is no rush.

lucy I think you have done exactly the right thing ( the will) as we never know what is just around the corner.
Will it be a problem if you rent the room, and then your DD cannot cope on her own and wants to move back in?
It sounds as if she will always need support as long as you are around, and you have my sympathy, we love our children and always want them to be happy.?

I am all for talking honestly to our children about our deaths and future arrangements. DD is single and childless by choice. She lives independently and has since she was 20, but I am conscious that she is emotionally dependent on us in the absence of no significant other, particularly since she had a bad accident and we nursed her and looked after her for several months after she came out of hospital.

I have made a point of discussing this with her openly in order to get her to think about it and be aware of the problem. We are in our early 70s and I come from a family who seem to live long and in good health, so, hopefully, our deaths still lie someway ahead and by that time she will have prepare herself for the transition.

It's OK Ana!

Do it then. Let her move out as and when she feels ready. Where's the problem? She is thirty. She should be living independently. You say she has help with her mental health problems. Let her take the lead. Shelve all thoughts of renting out her room until she is well settled.

I cannot understand why anyone would want to post something unpleasant to you Lucy take no notice of them.

Everyone has to continue with their lives one way or another after their parents die. It's he way of the world. We can't help them with the emotional side of that. I think we should make sure not to project our own thoughts and worries onto our children.

Oh I'm so sorry! I thought comment and advice was what these forums are about. Not just honeyed but useless, words.

Hi lucy the wise ones will probably be along later but here is a filler.
It is lovely that your DD has actually come to this decision on her own and a big step for her.
If money is not a big problem and you can afford to relax over this I would just set this prospective lodger on the back burner as there will always be someone looking for lodgings but you only have one DD2 and if things don't work out and she needs to come 'home' she knows her room is there.

It would be good if you can hold back and allow DD2 to set the pace and not hurry her at all, perhaps ask her if she has thought about making a list of her priorities as regards where she wants to live and also make suggestions if she is receptive eg as in not too far from bus routes for work or near to good shops. If she has only limited free time and she thinks it a good idea you might offer to scout out and take photos for her of anything that she thinks might be interesting but do let her be the lead at all times. She might even want to do it all herself.
Be interested when she does find somewhere and affirm her decisions as much as you can.
Talk about and offer her what pieces of furniture, soft furnishings or bedding you might have to spare particularly when she knows what she might need and the dimensions of her new abode but make sure she knows it is her choice as she may well want something entirely different.
Make it as easy for her to move as you can without overdoing it and make sure that you give her 'house warming' gifts in the same way as you gave DD1 a good present when she got married. In that way she will feel valued for herself and won't feel that she is being pushed in any way.
You sound a lovely mum who would do these sorts of things anyway but it is good to chat these things over as it firms up those wispy thoughts at the back of your mind. This is a big thing in the life of your family and I hope it all goes really well for you all.

Comment and advice is welcome Jingle - maybe it's just the way you phrase yours! Your comment was unkind imo. Others have been more thoughtful, but thak you for posting anyway.

I can assure you that I don't project my fears and worries onto DD2 - I'm all for her being independent. But people who are mentally fragile break more easily than those who are not.

I don't understand then, why you seem eager to rent her room out. Really

Surely you should be going at her pace?

Synonymous, good advice but who are these 'wise ones'?

Presumably all those who've already answered the OP are not...