Adult children

Lucy have you considered selling your home after DD2 has moved out? After all you will all have moved on. There are other ways to help DD2. Perhaps she could have her share of her inheritance now as a deposit on a flat if that were all possible? This is just a thought, I would not expect you to share your financial situation here.

Could you enlist the help of DD1 in this situation. Have you talked over what your will with DD1. Would she object if you helped her sister more that her because she is in more need?

I wish you all the best with sorting out your situation, It can be difficult and quite complex. I know having a person with mental ill health in a family affects all the family members in different ways,

With the cost of housing being what it is now. It is not so unusual for children to stay at home longer than they did in the past. And many have help getting on the housing ladder.

I applaud that you wish your daughter to move on in her life rather than wrap her in cotton wool and 'baby' her. And I applaud DD2 who is doing her best to get on with her life despite her problems.

Best wishes to you and your family

Hi Lucy in the sky....I think by what you have said that your daughter now feels ready and able to branch out. Neither of you will know what that will be like for her until she goes ahead. No matter where she is living she will always have your emotional support so personally I don't think that will be a problem. If you can put off or make clear to a lodger that they may have to vacate the room at relatively short notice..ie 4/6 weeks, because of your daughters health, then things should work out fine.
I feel it is important for our adult children to break out on their own and not be permanently mollycoddled by us oldies.
I hope this helps.
PS...preparing our loved ones for our death is always going to be an issue and I think we all need to do what we feel is right for our circumstances.
Kind regards to you x

trueblue, I have all respect for Holocaust survivors, but the ones we speak of and remember are the ones like your parents who had the resilience and personal attributes to survive the experience and make new lives for themselves afterwards but there were also many Holocaust survivors who struggled with mental and physical problems for the rest of their, often relatively short, lives. We do not hear about them, partly because most remained childless and most died in the 1950s.

This is exactly the same now. Some people are fortunate to be born with the attributes that make them rise to all that life throws at them; others are born without these attributes and find life so much more of a struggle and we should never denigrate those who struggle and seek help, whether that is through therapy or properly prescribed medication.

I agree with you completely mumofmadboys.

trueblue My mother was a Jewish refugee. She suffered severe mental ill health. She arrived in the UK aged 19, penniless, having had to leave her mother behind in Prague and not knowing where her brother was (in Brazil we later found out) She learned English, served in the Fire Service during WWII and married my father. From my teenage years and beyond she suffered extreme mental ill health, was on drugs for the rest of he life, saw countless psychiatrists and was given ECT. Nothing helped.

Mental ill health, like physical ill health, strikes anyone, anytime. I'm glad that your daughter is well but no-one 'works' their way to good mental health without assistance whether it is family support or other means. Without therapy I am pretty sure my daughter would not be alive now.

Mental ill health can continue throughout life. There are periods of remission but you never know when or why it may strike again.

trueblue22 ' worked her way to good mental health'. I'm glad your daughter got better but many people cannot work their way to good mental health. Chemical imbalances in the brain cannot be corrected by one's own efforts. Life is complex for a lot of people.

I think anti-depressents are given out, and therapist used, too liberally. And I still stand by my earlier comments.

My parents were holocaust survivors and didn't have access to therapists, anti-depressents etc. My mother, at 24, worked hard in he UK and sent money to her mother- who had found asylum in Shanghai.

So I have very strong role models as parents. My children are also mentally robust (daughter took anti-depressents for a while after uni) but worked her way to good mental health.

DD2's therapist is someone she sees and pays for privately. The NHS provides practically zero help for long term mental problems jingle

Who exactly is this "therapist" the daughter sees? Is it a NHS counsellor, or someone she sees privately. Just feeling curious really. She must be very lucky to get that on the NHS. Or is it CBT? Not criticising. As I say, just curious. Well, vaguely.

Thanks also Wilma Synonymousand M0nica for your supportive comments.

Will leave the status quo and see what happens if/when DD2 does move out.

Riverwalk I agree that we cannot expect new flatmates to provide a source of mental health support. That's what concerns me the most.

Thanks for your suggestion but my partner's home is in France and as I have other family here in the UK (DD1 plus 2 grandsons) i need my own room as I am back here every few weeks.

I don't desperately need rental income at present but will do so in the future if DD2 does move out herself. My own room is my home space and is not for rent to anyone, even DD2 lol! I'd rather try to manage on less income.

Lucy if your daughter is as emotionally fragile as you say then perhaps moving out is not the best option at this stage - I appreciate that it was she who first suggested it. But obviously it's her choice.

New 30-something flatmates, particularly if they are not already friends, can't be expected to automatically be part of a mental health support network.

You now share your partner's home, so can't you let out your room in the flat? That way DD might feel more secure, in that her room not being let the minute she's left. You'd still have a paying tenant and your own homebase.

lucyinthesky is neither infantilising her daughter nor overprotective. Would critics attitudes be the same if her daughter was physically frail, or are we seeing an example of the more universal belief that somehow mental frailty is a self indulgence, where physical illness isnt?

How adults are affected by childhood difficulties will vary from person to person depending on circumstances and personality. Lucy is doing everything to encourage her daughter to take tentative steps into independence and that is absolutely right. Seeing ahead to an event that could catastrophically affect her daughter's mental state at a time when, by definition her mother will not be around to support her is, to my mind is a wise and sensible thing to do.

As I have said it is something I am doing. My DD does not have any mental problems and lives a busy and independent life but as a person living on their own with no-one else in her life, although she has several close friends, and a wider social circle, we are still the ones she turns to in a crisis - and the day will come when we are not there to turn to and she needs to think about this.

lucy I thought you probably had given the circumstances. We humans are such complicated beings aren't we. Just hang on in there and keep doing what you are doing, I'm sure it will all pan out in the end. Even if she doesn't fly far it will be a big step for her and you will have played a big part in her achievement. Parenting is difficult as the dynamics are so different between family members.

Ana went off and did something else thinking I had posted my contribution so it ended up somewhat out of place. That's the trouble when you get distracted! No offense intended folks!

trueblue22 I don't think you are sorry to be so direct and abrupt. You seem to be willing to disregard the fact that the OP's DD has long term mental health problems for which she takes medication and sees a therapist. That's hardly your typical cosseting situation.

Any mother in this situation would have reservations about such a major change and the OP has clearly stated she thinks it's a good idea to be with people nearer her own age. Given they don't live under the same roof and the DD holds down a stressful job, I'd say that the OP seems to give her DD plenty of space and is hardly 'continually hovering'. She asked for advice and has taken it on board.

And what doesn't break us makes us stronger is a load of rubbish.

Unless you need the money, I wouldn't mention renting out 'her' room until she is well established somewhere else.
DD1 got quite upset when DD2 moved into her (larger) bedroom even though DD1 had left home two years previously!
We told DS which solicitor has our wills when we were going on holiday (you never know) and he put his hands over his ears and said 'I don't want to know'. He was 38 at the time.

I agree with you jinglbellsfrocks. We sometimes infantalise our adult children for too long. Lucyinthesky, I think perhaps you're projecting your anxiety/guilt over your broken marriage onto your less mentally robust daughter. What doesn't break us makes us stronger.

She has to start taking responsibilty for her life and you need to give her emotional space to sort out her own problems.

Sorry to sound so abrupt and direct, but I hear this too often. A handful of my friends are continually hovering over their more than adult children and those children are finding it hard to stand on their own feet emotionally & materially.

Wilma I'm pretty sure DD2 has discussed the move out with her therapist. The major issues they work on are more to do with lack of self esteem (thanks so much to my ex husband for that!)

Jingle yes DD2 does spend a lot of her time alone when I am away. I think it would be healthier for her to be living with people of her own age rather than with me or on her own but she much prefers privacy and her own company wherever possible.

Thanks to everyone here today I will def hold fire on taking a lodger until i know DD2 is settled (which may take a few months, I know but there is no rush)

If lucy is not in the house much because she is most often at her new partner's house, then the daughter must be living alone much of the time.Wouldn't she be happier sharing a house with people of her own age? She may even find healthy support with them.

Lucyinthesky if your daughter is still seeing her therapist on a weekly basis, then I think she's taking an enormous step. In my experience, every week means she needs a fair bit of support. Do you know if she's talked the move over with her therapist? If not, I strongly encourage you to do so as soon as possible before things are too far advanced.

I would defintely hold fire on taking in the lodger because if the move is not a success she will have the increased pressure of knowing her room is no longer available.

It's not "being secret"! It's just, not jumping the gun. Or 'never troubling trouble until trouble troubles you'. Be happy today, and let her be too. She does know you will die one day.

Sorry for the metaphors btw.

katek I should very much like her to test those wings!

rosesarered I am concerned if I rent her room and DD2 needs it back if her new place doesn't work out. Rock and a hard place really. I don't need the rent immediately but I will do after a few months.

M0nica a wise move on your part - not sure why we should be so secretive about what is inevitably going to happen at some point!

Lucy, your daughter will still be able to access your emotional support if she moves out. Quick texts, lunchtime emails/calls if she's feeling a bit tense-you're still there just not right beside her physically. Perhaps time for her to test those wings and develop her strengths.

You did say she is thirty, didn't you?