Mothers in Law -

When we whine and moan and are intolerant, dissapointed in life or generally unhappy and bitter. think our nearest and dearest would be quick enough to tell us, ( mine certainly would) whether or not we believe them is another matter. But your post don't come across that way Printmiss but I could be wrong!,? ( That's a joke)

Wonderful ex mum-in-law, love her to bits. When I left my first husband (her son) she invited me and the children to stay for the summer with her. Always been supported and included in all the family do's. My new husband and I visit, she treats him as a son and we go out for lunch and trips. In fact she has always been far more supported than my own mum ever was.

Morethan2 How do we know when we become grumpy old women? I sometimes feel that way, but then I am old anyway!

My MiL taught me to crochet and never told me how to bring up the children although I did notice some 'looks' from her occasion. Above all, she welcomed me into her quiet staid family when I was an 18 year old hippy in caftans and beads. I was like an alien from another planet. We grew to love and respect each other and eventually I was the one sat on her bed holding her hand as she was dying. After she died we discovered she had always favoured our children, giving them bigger and better presents!
My grand mother was the worst MiL ever to my mother and taught me how not to behave.

I suppose it depends how we age Printmiss I'd like to be remembered how I am now. I might turn into a real pain in the arse grumpy old women when I'm older

My mother in law was incapable of an unkind act, and never really bothered us that much. She was really lazy, and life just passed her by, but she never seemed to do anyone any harm. She had two sayings "Another day, another dollar" and "Least said, soonest mended"
Lots of us are now mother-in-laws, and I wonder how we will be remembered? I hope my son-in-law will say "She never interfered".

I have also had to MILs the first one was ok, we didnt have real problems and she was always kind to me and vice versa until i divorced her son. We were never close because we had NOTHING in common. She continued to see my children after the divorce, but only for celebrations a few times a year.

My MIL now really doesn't like me, she is very well behaved and all that, but she makes clear she puts up with me. As it happens, she isnt that close to DH for that matter.

I think the most unkind thing she ever did was write a really nasty email to her other children and daughters in law after one of our visits (where we had been helping them with all the jobs that needed doing, rehanging curtains and such) saying i was such a cross to bear. Unfortunately for her, she included me in the email, and as a result, i read what was not intended for me. I was terribly hurt and wrote back, saying how i felt and included all her children and dils just so nothing was misconstrued as a result. She was, I think embarrassed at being caught out and did apologise to me. She is now kinder, but I just dont trust the woman. I now make no effort with her, and am happier as a result.

My mother in law was loving and supportive, I thought of her as my foster mother, which delighted her. My own Mum was unfortunately gifted with a brilliant mind, which did not mesh with childhood misfortunes. She played 'chess' with people. Latterly she regretted this and apologized but she left an dreadful tangle behind her. I still loved my Mum but it is my mil's photo smiling down from my bookcase. She helped me see that I wasn't damaged goods, very emphatically. She was proud that I had come through it all, full of love. Her love played a big part in that. As for when their paths crossed? MIL bit her lip for the sake of the family. She adored her GS. She died suddenly which was best for her, as she was so active and social. I still miss her but I remember her with happiness.

Thank you for your views.
Smiles2012, my husband has been married before and he also has 3 grownup children. We have no children together and we are both grandparents ourselves. Apparently my husbands ex wife was never liked by my MIL, as this is something else she keeps telling me whenever we meet. So i think she maybe comparing us still. My husband was married to his first wife for 18years, so that cant of been easy for his ex.
I overheard my MIL on the phone to my husband when he accidently let the phone go to loudspeaker. She refered to my size not long after we were married. She was comparing another brides size and me, saying the other person was bigger than me.
My hubby keeps saying im too sensetive, but then that would make me uncaring.
Ive chomped on this subject all day and just have to not let her get to me. Harder said than done somedays but heyho.

I disliked mine who was not nice at all. I have had many opportunities to run her down on gransnetter so will stop there.

My MIl didn't ever do anything for me (I was wife no 2 and didn't give her grandchildren already had ready made child added to that I went out to work Oh the horror of it)worst thing was continually crying wolf that she was ill and demanding to be taxied everywhere. She was however a wonderful MIL to DHs brother (first born) and his lazy wife so she could do it if she wanted.

I'm sorry that you're finding the relationship with your m.i.l. so difficult Goldie. There's no excuse for making someone feel uncomfortable at best, or really upsetting them at worst just because you can. I've said that because although I'm wondering why she might be behaving in this way, I didn't want you to think I was condoning her behaviour.

You say it's your second marriage, it it your husband's 2nd marriage too? You say you have 4 grown up children, if your husband was in a previous relationship, did he have children? You say she has a problem with your size and thinks you're lazy, I've taken that to mean you're curvy as opposed to skinny (me too). You've said you're demonstrative (huggy), is your husband a huggy person too? If he is, was he like that when you got together or has his 'huggyness' developed in line with your relationship?

His mum may be finding it difficult having a d.i.l. 5 years older than her son whose been married before, especially if he's never been married. She may resent you having children from a previous relationship especially if she doesn't have any GC at all, or none from her son. If your husband's parents aren't the demonstrative type and he wasn't until he met you, perhaps your m.i.l. just ins't used to and/or comfortable with public displays of affection. I've nothing to say about what size you happen to be, what does that matter, but to assume someone who is 'bigger' is also lazy is as offensive as it is insensitive.

As I said, I'm not condoning your m.i.l.'s treatment of you but just thought if you could understand where some if not all of her resentment stems from, you might be able to find a way of working through it and not have to spend all of your time trying to avoid her.

Good luck

Mother in law
I have been married 3 years. Second marriage and now having problems with my mil.
Both my parents have passed away, as have my ex inlaws. My only other family are my 4 grown up children who live away from home.
My MIL has started to be a real pain. Critising me about the way i do things and my husband doesnt say anything. I have respect for them as they are my husbands parents and i know what its like when you miss your parents. I dont think i will ever stop missing mine. My MIL also has problems with my size and she thinks i am a lazy person.
I work and always have done around my children. I commute so dont get much time to myself. Also i am a huggy person and no matter how i have tried my MIL just doesnt like me trying to be nice. She finds fault in that too.
I have always been a caring person and find this is knocking my confidence. I try getting on with people, im not rude, but its driving me potty.
Im older than my husband by 5 years. I took so much rubbish from my ex MIL i never thought i could find anyone worse.
I have also been told that as my MIL is still speaking to me, it must mean she likes me as usually she falls out with people.
My MIL is not old, my FIL is okay normally but im finding this all a bother as i dont think i should put up with it and would rather avoid any contact with MIL than start having problems again as if i was a little girl.
Also she never asks how i am or if i am unwell, no one can be feeling worse then what she is.
Any views please. Thank you.

Nicest thing: DS was six weeks had eczema literally from ankle to top of head, all smothered in steroid ointment and constantly crying and irritable.DMiL came to visit, took one look at my tired face and packed me upstairs for a nice warm bath and an early night, saying firmly that DS would bw spending night in her room. She then came and kissed me good night as if i was a child again.

I felt so much better in the morning

Not nastiest, because she never was, but biggest disaster. She and I discussed her knitting DS a sweater (he was about 4) we were in total agreement, envelope neck and in an old gold wool to match some trousers he had.

A few months later she turned up with a V necked sweater in day glo orange. We obviously thanked her kindly but after she had gone DS said. I will keep that sweater special and only wear it when Grandma visits, which solved the unspoken problem beautifully.

I forgot to mention it came with matching hat, gloves and scarf!

Being a MIL it is so nice to hear that there are DILs that actually like their MILs!

My own M died 4 weeks before our first baby was born. You'd think my MiL would have jumped in to lend a hand, but sadly not even a meal made or any shopping done. No interest at all in her GC and this has continued for 30 years. I found it all very hurtful. However, the mother of an ex boyfriend (!!!) used to call on me regularly with cakes, and phone me every week to see if I needed help. Her kindest act was to rush round and sit with me and the baby the night my DH was caught up in the Kings Cross fire on his way home, (and she didn't even say why until he walked through the door). I often wonder what things would have been like if this lady had been my real MiL??!!

Sorry, I forgot to say that I can't remember her doing anything nice, or particularly nasty. She just didn't connect much at all. Thankfully, I've got on well with my sons' various partners, and have now got two lovely DIL who say I'm their second mum - it's lovely having daughters at last!

It was always like treading on glass with my MIL. The funny thing is, I was convinced she got on very well with her other DIL, and it wasn't until we compared notes after her death that I found out she had just as many problems as I did! My DH is the older of the two brothers, and the younger was definitely her favourite - which my DH clearly knew and, as a mother myself of 2 sons, I've never forgiven.

Nicest thing my MIL did was to have my DH!

The cruelest thing she did was to tell me that her first granddaughter, ( their cousin ) was her priority, over our two boys.

They were all toddlers at the time. She then preceded not ignore us and our boys for two years, missing our on some of their childhood. And indulging her granddaughter.

We eventually were 'allowed ' to visit and extend the 'olive branch'.

My FIL, who was a sweet man, went along with her. I never understood why.

X

I never had a MiL as she died when DH was 18 and we didn't meet until he was 20. My own Mum was a super Mil and I never heard her utter a word of criticism about any of her children's partners. In fact she would criticise her own children for any problems they may have had, rather than them.

I determined to be as good a MiL as she was, to my DDiL and DD's partner and I hope that I have been. They have unstintingly shared their own children with us and we have four beloved grandchildren in our lives as a result. I feel very lucky and very grateful.

I have had 2 MILs. The first one always treated me as the DIL - kept me at arms length and never really made much of our children. She consistently told us that her first son was a better son than my ex was because he visited her every weekend whilst we went once a fortnight. When my DD2 died, she apparently said to my ex ' Oh well, we weren't close really.' No, they weren't, but because she never made the effort.

Big breath.

My 'new ' MIL (met her son six and a half years ago and we married in May 2014) has always made me feel completely welcomed and goes out of her way to extend that thoughtfulness to my own grown up children.

I had a wonderful MiL. When DS was about 6 weeks old he had severe eczema and was, understandably, not sleeping and miserable. I was exhausted and not fully recovered from a difficult birth. DMiL came for the weekend. She assessed the situation then told me quietly but firmly that DS would be sleeping in her bedroom that night then she sent me up for nice bath and an early night and came and tucked me up and kissed me goodnight as if I was still a child myself (I was 28). I had a wonderful uninterrupted night's sleep which did me so much good.

I cannot think of anything terrible she ever did. I found my DMiL far easier to confide in than my own very DM.

The nicest thing my x mil did was to totally accept my baby son as her own GC . She was not a `baby` person but they had a great relationship until her death at 92. The worse thing she did was to never speak to me again after Me and her son got divorced ! I do understand a bit more now , he was an odd bod and she guessed rightly that he would struggle to find someone else to put up with him .

My mother-in-law was truly wonderful and a real mum to me. I suppose the best thing about her was that she loved and was as interested in my two boys as I was and the nicest thing she ever said to me was on her death bed when she said SHE would miss ME. I have always missed her.

I could write a book about the sheer loveliness of my mother in law, but there are two things that came to mind straight away. The first is that in spite of the many reservations she had about her son marrying a divorcee who was ten years older than him and with three children, she made the decision to be as supportive as possible - and she always has been. The second is that she wrote me a very heartfelt letter on my 60th birthday saying how much she loves me and how delighted she is that her son made the decision to marry me.