When is it oversensitivity?

Thanks Wendysue. It was that apparent contradiction that MIL was indeed 'itching to visit' and yet did not take up invitations. She did seem so reticent to 'impose' and I foresaw that this could set a negative pattern. But you are quite right - it is over to DD now .

'She is itching to come round, but needs an invite.' She has had several, but barely visited.

This is a problem for me. If MIL wants to be invited, then why didn't she come even when she was invited several times? Is there a bigger issue going on here?

Or were those "several" invitations of the "come anytime" variety? Then it all gets back to the same issue - MIL doesn't think that kind of invite is/ fears that kind of invite isn't really an invite. I gotta admit, I'm the same way.

But I see that DD and SIL brought baby over to MIL and that she, in return, went over to visit them. Maybe she just needed that little nudge to feel comfortable.

I'm joining Smileless in saying kudos to you for handling the issue as delicately as you did. I get the DD's schedule isn't set enough now for her to plan any specific visit times. But then, maybe she should hold off until she can/let MIL know she'll make a specific invitation when she's more sure of her schedule (I realize that can take a while.) Or she should, perhaps, just make a specific date, anyhow. Perhaps the time won't turn out to be good but would it be any different if MIL just popped over and it wasn't a good time?

Just thinking out loud though. Probably you're better off not saying anymore. You gave DD some ideas, now she has to figure it out for herself. It's sweet of you to care about MIL, but she's not your responsibility.

Please just enjoy your new DGS/growing family! Congratulations!

Aw thanks Synonymous , I am just glad and relieved - I had picked up that MIL hadn't visited much and when she did she hadn't got cuddles because she wouldn't risk waking the baby. I am aware even as M that I mustn't overdo my enthusiasm and I am trying my hardest to get things right so it must be really tricky for any MIL!

All in all a good day yesterday and I am relieved that MIL has now got a couple of 'awake' time cuddles in.

Imperfect Well done for taking such a thoughtful approach to all the issues surrounding the wiser family. It takes time to help in laws not to feel like outlaws and some of us are a bit sensitive and all of us are very different.

Thanks for the update. Good to hear that things are moving along okay

Update

Just so happened that DD and SIL were able to pay an unexpected visit to MIL night before last and then she popped in after being invited while I was there yesterday. I know she hasn't had many cuddles of GS as he has happened to be asleep on most visits and she says she won't disturb him, but he was in my arms when she arrived yesterday and it was a real pleasure to pass him over.

Talked to DD earlier about how it is all going with MIL and she feels they are growing closer because of the baby - hoorah! But she also sees that MIL is very reticent to in case she imposes. I also laid the suggestion that MIL might really appreciate regular 'definite' invites - well received, though at the moment, only 3 weeks in, DD doesn't have a sense of regular routine so I think she will continue to make adhoc invites, but for definite days / times. Thanks for all the advice - good work GNetters!

Thanks for all the replies and good suggestions. This has really helped me to 'see the other side'. I am seeing my DD today and will gently broach the subject of MIL visits. I am very hesitant to interfere - they will have to work it out between themselves, but I do think MIL needs a more definite invitation at the moment.

Lille, your arrangement obviously works very well and you seem a very close family. For a lot of us the arrangement you have of just breezing in wouldn't work. Some time ago my granddaughter face timed me saying please come round and see her new Hampster, I asked if it was ok with her mom, my daughter and was told yes, so I went round and had the most uncomfortable time, met with tight lipped silence, I tried to say sorry to just pop in and just got the look, they didn't want me there. Stayed just 15 minutes. I might add we are estranged as I could never find out what she wanted or didn't want, but whatever I did wasn't right. So I think it must be so nice to be wanted, but I would not like to just pop in.

I know some people have the keys to their grown up children's homes and are free to come and go but that wouldn't have worked for me when I was bringing up my own family, so I'm not in a position to judge really.

What eloethan said. Just invite her. Phone, email, wee card. She maybe prefers a bit of formality so give her it.

I don't really see this as a major problem. If she feels more comfortable having a definite invitation, then just issue definite invitations.

I can understand it in a way, particularly if this lady comes from a family where people are reluctant to give a straight answer for fear of hurting someone's feelings or appearing impolite. She might be worried that your daughter would feel obliged to say it was convenient for her to visit even when it wasn't. It makes no difference that you daughter has expressly told her she can come anytime - if you come from a family where people skirt round things rather than give straight answers, it is very difficult to adjust to a more open and honest approach.

I think it would be far worse if her mother-in-law felt she had the right to barge in whenever it suited her and with next to no notice - that really would be annoying.

It is far better to say a definite day than just drop in. In the past people have said just pop in to me and when I did I felt as if I had interrupted something. Agree with Mollie. It would be a rare mil who didn't want to visit her grandchild.

Nonnie has picked up on what I wanted to say and it's perhaps something you haven't considered, maybe she's concerned about doing the wrong thing in case her motives are misconstrued and there becomes a problem in the relationship later on.

We've been estranged from our S for 3.5 years and have had no contact with our GS now aged 4, since he was 8 months old. They live 15 doors down the road and when he was born I resisted the temptation to keep popping in, usually 'phoning before hand. Initially I was accused of always calling in and later being told that I clearly wasn't interested in my GC as I never bothered to go and see him.

There are so many cases today of P's being cut out of their children's lives and also their GC's, maybe she knows someone this has happened too and is over thinking the invitations; does she really want me to visit anytime or is she just saying so because she thinks she should.

How nice it would be to live close enough to 'just drop in'. I wouldn't have much luck now that the GC are all at school and parents all working full time, but when the GC were small and DiLs at home, I am sure I'd have been welcome.

I try to be sensitive, but not over-sensitive because I've wasted too many years not seizing the moment when I've been offered an indefinite invitation.
Our DD and family live round the corner and I often breeze in and out unannounced as I have a key to their house. However, I would never do this when SiL is at home with the family as I feel they should have their privacy.
I have yet to find out what it would be like with a DiL and there are some interesting and sensible comments in this thread I shall bear in mind for later. I also have the key to our DS's house, although 200 miles away, and pretty much come and go as I like. I would hope that this could continue when he has a family too, although I would of course tread carefully.
I agree that Imperfect"s DD should try to set up a time for a regular visit, especially around coffee time or lunch time so the MiL can come armed with some goodies to eat if she enjoys doing that.
I do also believe, somewhat controversially perhaps, that the onus is on us as GPs to go the distance, to make the first moves and to just say with all honesty that we'd like to come by as and when the mood takes. In this day and age of texting, it's so easy to drop a quick line and no one feels awkward if it isn't possible.

When I was young our house was always a 'drop-in' station as DM had a large family and one or other auntie, cousin etc would always be popping round.

When I married and moved away MIL lived very near; in all the 14 years we lived near her she only 'dropped in' once despite me asking her to call whenever she wanted to! However, she came round quite often when invited.

I wouldn't dream of 'dropping in' without phoning or texting first, to anyone, let alone someone who had just had a baby!

I couldn't do the "just drop round" thing. I am always convinced that people have busy lives and will be doing other more important things when I get there, or will be out, or just about to go out. I think arranging a time makes things much more relaxed. You know you are expected and will be welcome so you feel much easier about going. Another option might be to add to the "Just drop round", "give me a ring when you're coming and I'll get the kettle on." I'd certainly feel more comfortable doing that.

Well I had a FiL who liked to call in when he felt like it and it was VERY inconvenient and even intrusive on many occasions.

I have never done that with my DD or DS and always wait for a proper invitation. I have made it clear that they can call in on us any time but they both ring first to see if it is convenient to call round. I see this as simply good manners and non-intrusive and we see lots of them without any resentment on either side.

Some people simply like a routine in their lives which might be why she wants a set day. There will be people on here who do their shopping on a Thursday, volunteer for a charity on Tuesday, U3A on Friday etc. Maybe this is the issue? I don't like such routine and prefer to be free to choose but not everyone feels like that.

It could also be that she has seen how some DiLs can be about their MiL and wants to avoid that. You will probably have heard "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life but a son is a son till he gets him a wife".

You like her so could you have a gentle chat about it?

It's not just MiL that can be like this. My own DM was the same. Admitted she would have needed to catch a bus and walk 10mins our end but being widowed, she had all the time in the world and it frustrated me that she wouldn't visit spontaneously. I used to take her shopping twice a week and pop in sometimes on a Sunday but she rarely came to ours.

I can sort of understand the MiLs reluctance. I don't even usually pop unannounced to my DDs even though I know I would be welcome.

Maybe she likes a plan? We take one of our DGS swimming every wednesday . His Mum likes knowing it's set in stone and can plan her week around it and to be fair so do we.

Would something like that work , with the understanding that a cancellation the day before if c something comes up is fine?

Yes,you won't go wrong going with Mollie.

Aha - new posts arrived as I was writing - the above reply was directed to mollie and TwiceAsNice.

I agree Marmark1, DD's MIL is not trusting that the invitation is genuine - but knowing my DD inside out, the invitation(s) couldn't be more genuine. This is where the heart of the frustration lies.

Yes, I agree with Mollie on this.It's a bit like the invitation 'come round for coffee sometime?' Mind you I usually surprise by saying 'yes, does next Tuesday at 11 suit you?' ?
unless you are literally just passing by, you need to know that DIL is not entertaining other visitors or busy or frazzled, before you go round.

Thank you both. mollie I really do want to try to see it from the other side, but I have been perplexed. My DD's MIL is a lovely woman and I do think she is very anxious not to impose. She has been very supportive as the local nannie in providing hot meals to the door, often via her daughter or through my DD's husband collecting.

It is just so often we hear GPs saying 'I am not as close to my Son's children' with a sense of hurt and regret and I think it does not always have to be that way. I am concerned that over time this is how the MIL will feel and it seems so unnecessary. However, your post has made me think my DD needs to be more definite about a regular visit, at least for a time.

To be fair to myself - I tried everything with my MIL. She was a different kettle of fish and didn't really want to be involved very much. Sad.