New relationships - how to deal with family issues. Q&A with Relate

jupiter

Hello, I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting but...I don't really know who else to ask. My partner and I have been together for over a year now. He's lovely and 7 years younger than me - has never been an issue. I am very close to both my children and my son in particular and his wife visit us regularly on the weekends. I've noticed a strain between them in the last few months but now I've noticed her being very...friendly...towards my other half? I've had a long think about it trying to make sure it's not just jealousy or anything like that but - to my mind at least - it's quite obvious. She giggles and touches his arm and praises everything he does. I can't talk to my son about it and there's no one else there when this behaviour happens. My partner has laughed it off when I made an offhand comment but...what do I do? I feel vulnerable. And I'd hate to see my son's marriage break down too.

Hello Jupiter. How did you get on with your daughter-in-law before you met your new partner? Is she a flirty, touchy-feely person anyway, or just with your other half? Could it be that she thinks she is being nice and friendly to him in order to please you? If you have the courage, I wonder if you can talk to your partner about your vulnerability and he can reassure you. You say the age difference hasn't been relevant but yet your vulnerabilities have arrived. I wonder if you have been 'betrayed' by a partner in the past and your fear is coming back now?

yellowtulips

My sister and I have always been very close. She was widowed and I got divorced within a few months of each other about 3 years ago. We live 5 minutes drive away from each other and have talked casually about moving in together in our dotage - but this is a conversation usually over a bottle of wine and has been going on for a few years now. I'd never thought either of us was serious about it.
I have recently met someone online. We have been seeing each other for about 4 months and things seem to be going well. But in the past 2 weeks my sister has brought up our moving in together on 3 separate occasions and I don't know how to handle it without hurting her feelings. I know she's not keen on my new partner but surely she must see that if I (or she!) was to remarry, for us two sisters to live together wouldn't really work? I think she is still dealing with the loss of her husband so I want to be gentle.

I think people hold different but unwritten and sometimes unrecognised rules about this. Some of us believe that a marriage or partnership sort of trumps friendship and that we put the partnership first. Other people don't believe in putting all our eggs in one basket when it comes to friendship and love. It seems that you and your sister are in different places. She has been widowed so perhaps, in her grieving, is looking for security and stability. You may be more actively looking for a new love.

Can I ask, if this were the other way around and you were alone but your sister had a new squeeze, might you feel differently? I think you need to decide whether you would actually LIKE to live with your sister. And depending on the answer, find a way to talk to her about that. But it's perhaps a bit early for you to pin all your hopes on your new man?

ballyhoo

I was widowed four years ago and around six months ago began a relationship with an old family friend (also widowed). We are very happy. Two of my children are delighted that I am no longer lonely and alone. One can't bear to think of his father being 'replaced'. (He could never be replaced! We had the happiest marriage but that isn't going to bring him back) This has really strained our relationship and meant that his children are reticent about even acknowledging my new partner let alone building a relationship with him. They are 8 and 6 and I don't know what has been said to them when I'm not there. My new partner is a good man and his family have welcomed me with open arms. I feel terrible that mine haven't done the same and would welcome any advice

Six months is a short time in which to expect families to adjust to your new relationship. If you give it more time, I think feelings will calm down and you will begin to relax. I wonder if you are perhaps trying too hard in expecting everyone to be as 'loved up' as you two are? If you think back to a time when a close female friend found a new love and was all loved up, there is sometimes a pang of jealousy or regret in us that we might not see our friend so often or that they will stop caring for us. It takes a while to get used to the idea. You carry on enjoying your new love and being positive with everyone and they will all come around. Talking honestly helps, as usual...

pattypan

I was never blessed with children but was lucky enough to marry someone with three daughters who I love as though they were my own. We get on very well and I have been delighted to become grandma to their children (all born since we married so I have been there since birth)

But my husband's ex is trying to turn them against me by telling them I am not their 'real' granny. The children are all very small (6 and under) and so not necessarily old enough to realise what she is doing and it is breaking my heart. When my husband tried to talk to her all she would say was "I am the real granny and that's that".

How can we stop her from destroying my relationship with them? If it makes a difference, she and my husband split five years before he and I met after she had an affair so it's not about holding me responsible for the divorce

The short answer is you cannot stop the other granny saying what she likes. But you can ask family not to encourage her in this war of words. I wonder if something has changed to make her so worried about granny status? Just carry on being kind and loving to your grandchildren and they will continue to love you. No nasty words are going to change that. Don't descend to any nastiness, is my advice.

singlenan

My ex husband is now married to the woman who broke up our marriage (obviously it takes two to tango but she waged a concerted campaign over several years - we were friends). I am still single. I know in my heart that the more people that love our granddaughter the better, but I have to be honest and say that I really struggle with her being 'nana carol' to her. I feel that she has taken everything from me. And now she is muscling in on the thing I have left to treasure. Our children are civil to this woman (who they have known most of their lives) but dislike her intensely. My ex and I have no contact other than being on opposite sides of a room at functions that involve our children. I don't know how to stop all this eating me up.

This is difficult because you are having to interact with someone who you feel 'betrayed' you and took away your happiness. I can see why that hurts. You say your granddaughter is all you have left to treasure but I wonder if that is the problem? I wonder if you might feel very disappointed when this granddaughter leaves home and starts her new life with new friends her own age? Is it possible for you also to have courage and bold go and join a group or make a new friend so that you feel you are less weighed down by the past. I know some of us tend to dwell on last hurts - I'm like that myself - but I wonder where you will find the courage to start living again and meeting new people?

Luckylegs9

All I know is, whatever you do is wrong with grown up children.I have always put my family first to the expense of friendships. Now I rarely see the grown ups they are, they have both moved on.Tigergranny, I always looked after cards and presents for both sides of the family as didn't want anyone left out as they would have been if my husband was in charge of that side of things. He was a wonderful generous man, but forgot birthdays and dates, but never my birthday or wedding anniversary, I miss him so much and it certainly never bothered me one bit that I did it, I just used to tell him what he had sent them, get him to sign the card so his parents thought he had bought it. It meant such a lot to them.

Roxy my father remarried after my mom died, my sisters never forgave him and didn't see him in the end. It didn't bother me him remarrying, as I wanted him to be happy and he and mom had a good marriage and he missed the companionship. People who have never known lonliness cannot understand how bad it is. So make his children welcome if they visit, remember special dates, you can't and don't want to replace their mom, hopefully they will accept you as their father partner who makes him happy. Is your friend on her own and perhaps a little envious, she is probably missing the closeness you had and if you hang on in there perhaps she will accept the new different way your friendship is now as you have your partner to do a lot of the things you did with her now. Just don't make yourself unhappy because of it, life is fleeting enjoy your new found happiness.

There's a lot of truth in this, Luckylegs9.

Roxy1195

I am lucky enough to be in a loving relationship with a widowed friend
I had known his wife (my friend) and him for 20 years. 3 years after her death he decided to move our friendship on a step and it just seems to work and we are now engaged. I am so surprised at other people's reactions firstly my best mate took it very badly and secondly I don't feel totally comfortable his grown up children accept it. Is this quite normal?

He actually did all the chasing and I don't think I have done anything wrong - just grabbing a chance of happiness in later life .Just interested to hear any views on this.

I think these reactions are about 'change' rather than about you. We all try to find a steady state in our partnerships, families and friendship groups and when things go well, we hope that nothing will change. And then life comes along and people get sick, get divorced, die, move away, have affairs and, BOOM, we don't feel so secure any more and it takes a while for us to accept the new arrangement. Please don't be over sensitive about this and try to talk to your best mate and partner's children. You can never replace their mum and you can honour her memory by remembering her as your dear friend. I am sure everything will calm down and you will be able to enjoy this wonderful chance for love.

witchygran

I read this while feeling rather upset this morning. It is my DGG's 13th birthday and my other half and I gave her £40. We then find out that her step-grandmother gave her £100, which made me feel so inadequate! Then I
read this blog and thought about my family. My other half is the dearest man who I met in my 50's. We have been together for 18 great years and my DD and DGG adore him. My DD's partner is a saint and a rock for them both. DGG's father is a lovely man but a commitment-phobe, which is why it didn't work out. However, we were all six of us together at Christmas and it was really lovely, so I know I am so lucky. Thank you, all you lovely Grans, for making me realise how lucky I am!

hulahoop

Don't feel upset witchygran you gave what you decided and was happy with this money isn't everything love and time spent together is more important ?

mumofmadboys

I think a forty pound gift for a 13 year old is a generous amount and plenty. A hundred pounds seems OTT for someone of that age IMO. What do you give at 18 if you give 100 at 13?? Also I agree with hulahoop that money is only one thing of many you give your GC. Don't give it another thought!!

Totally agree with hulahoop! If we can let the small stuff go, it makes it easier to enjoy what we have.

MrsHerMarbles

My sort of son in law is a nightmare. Constantly coming to his father for money. He (my OH) is a generous man and dotes on his adult children (therein might some of the problem in my opinion). Anyway, I'd like to know how I object - carefully and with a positive outcome? We've been together for over a year now and live together. We each have our own money and share living expenses but his son's request are becoming increasingly ridiculous. He borrowed money for his rent one month, then a fancy (unnecessary) car the next. Now he wants to propose to his girlfriend and wants his dad to cough up for the engagement ring!!

MrsHerMarbles, when you join another family, you join with a set of people who have completely different rules about life, relationships...and money. Not necessarily worse, but different. It takes a long time to understand those unwritten rules. And you may not like some of them. BUT your relationship is relatively young and I'm not sure it's your place to tell your partner what to do with his money. It is HIS money to splash around as he wishes. Can you try and discuss this with him, without criticising his son? Maybe he needs your support in order to say NO?

Tigergranny

I want to know who should be in charge of tracking birthdays etc! I've been in my 'new' relationship for the past 6 months and we've been invited to his son's birthday do next week. I asked him yesterday what he's bought for his son as a gift and he said. 'Oh, I thought you were in charge of that!' The cheek! And this comes after a last minute dash in Dec for Christmas gifts for his extended family. If they were MY family, fine. But surely I can't be in charge of this?

It's the same in our household, Tigergranny! The question is, can you bear it if your partner doesn't buy presents and send cards himself, and can you bear any potential fallout from his family? Perhaps you need to decide that first. Then, maybe you can 'remind' him, or set a calendar, but not come along like fairy godmother if he can't be bothered. Also, you could inform his family of your plan lightheartedly but in a determined manner! As Tanith says, given the last situation, they won't expect cards or presents...

LyndaW

My son is in a newish relationship with a quite lovely, slightly older, woman. Her daughter (9) is very rude to him and the mother won't tell her off so she continues. She'll ignore him when he speaks to her, or tell him he doesn't know anything when he comments on something she's said. My son doesn't at the moment think it's his place to be disciplining her but when he's brought it up with his girlfriend she refuses to acknowledge the situation or just says she'll come round. What should he do? He would really like for the relationship to continue and would like to be given a chance. The father is absent from her life. He ran off with someone else when the child was 5.

Hello LyndaW, I imagine your son understands that this little girl has no trust in fathers and father figures. That's probably what leads her to try and 'take control' of the situation by testing out your son or being rude to him. She needs his sympathy and understanding, and for him to be able to sit down with her mum and discuss the boundaries of the relationship and what role he can play in her life. It's not always easy for parents and step-parents to see the wood for the trees with their own children and, if so, can I recommend family counselling to you? Even one or two sessions with a Relate family counsellor can make a difference in terms of the mum deciding what kind of help with parenting and disciplining she would like from your son. Visit www.relate.org.uk to find out more.

Don't forget that his new girlfriend was possibly 'abandoned' by the girl's father and so she may also find it hard to believe that he will stick around. I do hope your son will find the patience to try and make this work.

petitpois

Oh I can relate (see what I did there! ) to this! My DH's youngest could not stand me to begin with (feeling was fairly mutual at the time). I refused to give in to her game playing and her father could see straight through it too. I was never rude or said anything negative about her to him of course but I could see how she manipulated scenarios so that I was made to feel unwelcome at family dos. Eventually she realised she wouldn't have her way though and she's thawed. I wouldn't say we have the best relationship but it's much improved. I didn't think I'd have had the courage to stand my ground for so long but I did and it worked in the long term. My DH is very nearly worth it .

Hi petitpois. Congratulations on improving the relationship with your step daughter. It's not always easy. But I guess you can see things from her point of view, that it's difficult to accept new family members, however nice they may be. You showed consistency and stood your ground without criticising her and things have improved, that's the main thing.