New relationships - how to deal with family issues. Q&A with Relate

Oh I can relate (see what I did there! ) to this! My DH's youngest could not stand me to begin with (feeling was fairly mutual at the time). I refused to give in to her game playing and her father could see straight through it too. I was never rude or said anything negative about her to him of course but I could see how she manipulated scenarios so that I was made to feel unwelcome at family dos. Eventually she realised she wouldn't have her way though and she's thawed. I wouldn't say we have the best relationship but it's much improved. I didn't think I'd have had the courage to stand my ground for so long but I did and it worked in the long term. My DH is very nearly worth it .

My son is in a newish relationship with a quite lovely, slightly older, woman. Her daughter (9) is very rude to him and the mother won't tell her off so she continues. She'll ignore him when he speaks to her, or tell him he doesn't know anything when he comments on something she's said. My son doesn't at the moment think it's his place to be disciplining her but when he's brought it up with his girlfriend she refuses to acknowledge the situation or just says she'll come round. What should he do? He would really like for the relationship to continue and would like to be given a chance. The father is absent from her life. He ran off with someone else when the child was 5.

I want to know who should be in charge of tracking birthdays etc! I've been in my 'new' relationship for the past 6 months and we've been invited to his son's birthday do next week. I asked him yesterday what he's bought for his son as a gift and he said. 'Oh, I thought you were in charge of that!' The cheek! And this comes after a last minute dash in Dec for Christmas gifts for his extended family. If they were MY family, fine. But surely I can't be in charge of this?

Tigergranny I think it might be a 'man' thing, in that a lot of men don't 'do' cards/gifts . My OH hardly remembers when his siblings (he doesn't have children) birthdays are , when we were first married I used to send them cards but once I realised that he probably hadn't ever bothered before I stopped . I do send them Christmas cards though as I would feel really mean not to.
I know my sons partner 'prods' him about birthdays etc for his family but she doesn't do it if he can't be bothered, sometimes he does send me cards and sometimes he doesn't.

I totally agree its not your responsibility but honestly I was embarrassed by my OH not acknowledging his own siblings birthdays but like you wasn't going to do it if he can't be bothered. He has said when he's realised "you didn't remind me", to which I have given hime 'the look' IFYKWIM

My sort of son in law is a nightmare. Constantly coming to his father for money. He (my OH) is a generous man and dotes on his adult children (therein might some of the problem in my opinion). Anyway, I'd like to know how I object - carefully and with a positive outcome? We've been together for over a year now and live together. We each have our own money and share living expenses but his son's request are becoming increasingly ridiculous. He borrowed money for his rent one month, then a fancy (unnecessary) car the next. Now he wants to propose to his girlfriend and wants his dad to cough up for the engagement ring!!

I read this while feeling rather upset this morning. It is my DGG's 13th birthday and my other half and I gave her £40. We then find out that her step-grandmother gave her £100, which made me feel so inadequate! Then I
read this blog and thought about my family. My other half is the dearest man who I met in my 50's. We have been together for 18 great years and my DD and DGG adore him. My DD's partner is a saint and a rock for them both. DGG's father is a lovely man but a commitment-phobe, which is why it didn't work out. However, we were all six of us together at Christmas and it was really lovely, so I know I am so lucky. Thank you, all you lovely Grans, for making me realise how lucky I am!

Don't feel upset witchygran you gave what you decided and was happy with this money isn't everything love and time spent together is more important ?

I think a forty pound gift for a 13 year old is a generous amount and plenty. A hundred pounds seems OTT for someone of that age IMO. What do you give at 18 if you give 100 at 13?? Also I agree with hulahoop that money is only one thing of many you give your GC. Don't give it another thought!!

I am lucky enough to be in a loving relationship with a widowed friend
I had known his wife (my friend) and him for 20 years. 3 years after her death he decided to move our friendship on a step and it just seems to work and we are now engaged. I am so surprised at other people's reactions firstly my best mate took it very badly and secondly I don't feel totally comfortable his grown up children accept it. Is this quite normal?

He actually did all the chasing and I don't think I have done anything wrong - just grabbing a chance of happiness in later life .Just interested to hear any views on this.

Congratulations Roxy 1195. Of course you have done nothing wrong. Has your best friend still got her husband? I can't understand why she can't share your happiness. I think it must be hard for adult children as they will probably see less of their Dad and perhaps it takes longer to adjust to a new partner instead of their Mum. Enjoy yourself!

All I know is, whatever you do is wrong with grown up children.I have always put my family first to the expense of friendships. Now I rarely see the grown ups they are, they have both moved on.Tigergranny, I always looked after cards and presents for both sides of the family as didn't want anyone left out as they would have been if my husband was in charge of that side of things. He was a wonderful generous man, but forgot birthdays and dates, but never my birthday or wedding anniversary, I miss him so much and it certainly never bothered me one bit that I did it, I just used to tell him what he had sent them, get him to sign the card so his parents thought he had bought it. It meant such a lot to them.

Roxy my father remarried after my mom died, my sisters never forgave him and didn't see him in the end. It didn't bother me him remarrying, as I wanted him to be happy and he and mom had a good marriage and he missed the companionship. People who have never known lonliness cannot understand how bad it is. So make his children welcome if they visit, remember special dates, you can't and don't want to replace their mom, hopefully they will accept you as their father partner who makes him happy. Is your friend on her own and perhaps a little envious, she is probably missing the closeness you had and if you hang on in there perhaps she will accept the new different way your friendship is now as you have your partner to do a lot of the things you did with her now. Just don't make yourself unhappy because of it, life is fleeting enjoy your new found happiness.

My ex husband is now married to the woman who broke up our marriage (obviously it takes two to tango but she waged a concerted campaign over several years - we were friends). I am still single. I know in my heart that the more people that love our granddaughter the better, but I have to be honest and say that I really struggle with her being 'nana carol' to her. I feel that she has taken everything from me. And now she is muscling in on the thing I have left to treasure. Our children are civil to this woman (who they have known most of their lives) but dislike her intensely. My ex and I have no contact other than being on opposite sides of a room at functions that involve our children. I don't know how to stop all this eating me up.

I was never blessed with children but was lucky enough to marry someone with three daughters who I love as though they were my own. We get on very well and I have been delighted to become grandma to their children (all born since we married so I have been there since birth)

But my husband's ex is trying to turn them against me by telling them I am not their 'real' granny. The children are all very small (6 and under) and so not necessarily old enough to realise what she is doing and it is breaking my heart. When my husband tried to talk to her all she would say was "I am the real granny and that's that".

How can we stop her from destroying my relationship with them? If it makes a difference, she and my husband split five years before he and I met after she had an affair so it's not about holding me responsible for the divorce

I was widowed four years ago and around six months ago began a relationship with an old family friend (also widowed). We are very happy. Two of my children are delighted that I am no longer lonely and alone. One can't bear to think of his father being 'replaced'. (He could never be replaced! We had the happiest marriage but that isn't going to bring him back) This has really strained our relationship and meant that his children are reticent about even acknowledging my new partner let alone building a relationship with him. They are 8 and 6 and I don't know what has been said to them when I'm not there. My new partner is a good man and his family have welcomed me with open arms. I feel terrible that mine haven't done the same and would welcome any advice

My sister and I have always been very close. She was widowed and I got divorced within a few months of each other about 3 years ago. We live 5 minutes drive away from each other and have talked casually about moving in together in our dotage - but this is a conversation usually over a bottle of wine and has been going on for a few years now. I'd never thought either of us was serious about it.
I have recently met someone online. We have been seeing each other for about 4 months and things seem to be going well. But in the past 2 weeks my sister has brought up our moving in together on 3 separate occasions and I don't know how to handle it without hurting her feelings. I know she's not keen on my new partner but surely she must see that if I (or she!) was to remarry, for us two sisters to live together wouldn't really work? I think she is still dealing with the loss of her husband so I want to be gentle.

Hello, I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting but...I don't really know who else to ask. My partner and I have been together for over a year now. He's lovely and 7 years younger than me - has never been an issue. I am very close to both my children and my son in particular and his wife visit us regularly on the weekends. I've noticed a strain between them in the last few months but now I've noticed her being very...friendly...towards my other half? I've had a long think about it trying to make sure it's not just jealousy or anything like that but - to my mind at least - it's quite obvious. She giggles and touches his arm and praises everything he does. I can't talk to my son about it and there's no one else there when this behaviour happens. My partner has laughed it off when I made an offhand comment but...what do I do? I feel vulnerable. And I'd hate to see my son's marriage break down too.

Try going away for weekends for a bit and see what happens. The truth is that it takes two to tango, if your friend is not interested in your dil or anyone else, nothing would happen, but I would certainly let him know your suspicions. If he loves you he won't be interested in anyone else, if not it was not meant to be. For your dil to be acting the way she does, suggests problems in the marriage that need sorting.

Yeah, I would definitely skip some of those weekends, jupiter - maybe go away, as Lucky suggests. But, of course, that would mean not seeing any of your AC (adult children) on the weekends. You'll have to decide which is more important to you - seeing them regularly or keeping DIL away from your partner.

Also, do you feel your partner is encouraging DIL's behavior? Not that he's interested in her but cuz he's flattered? If so, you might want to ask him to consider your feelings more and avoid such encouragement.

I would be very tempted to say, nicely-but-firmly, "Keep your hands off my guy!" when she touches his arm. I did that once in the past with a younger woman who seemed infatuated with my DH and it worked. But I realize it's trickier here since your son is involved. It could easily cause a rift.

Then again, that might mean they stop coming on the weekends for a while, which may be just as well. Again, I think you may have to decide which is more important.

I don't envy you this situation and hope it gets resolved soon. Keep in touch!

But, LaraGransnet, I'm confused... I thought Barbara Bloomfield was going to come in here and answer these questions. Perhaps she's posting under one of the above screen names and I don't realize it? Or the Q & A is posted somewhere else? I've looked around but didn't find it. And Feb 3 has already come and gone. ???

GNHQ send her all the questions and she replies to some of them. It may take a day or two...

Am I a little slow on the uptake, don't all answer at once, but I cannot see what use it is posting on Relate topic as Lara hadn't responded to one post in nearly two weeks, better to post in relationships I think.

Lara is not supposed to be responding to these posts, Lucklegs9 they are being collected for "Relate expert Barbara Bloomfield to answer your most pressing concerns in a Q&A running till next Wed 3rd Feb" as in the first post on the thread.

The Qs are now in, and 3rd Feb is over, so the As should appear when Barbara Bloomfield has had time to pick out the most pressing concerns and write replies.

Yes. As I said yesterday, but Elegran has explained more fully.

Thank you, Ana and Elegran!