1st Grandchild's Christening

Agree with Luckygirl - dignified silence, don't lower yourself to respond to his emotional blackmail and attention seeking. If you DS and DIL ask for your new OH not to come to save an awkward situation (not because they don't want you) then maybe that is the time for you to back down for your son's sake. discuss with them.

The first husband is the baby's grandfather , sorry but this is not the grandparents day or step grandfathers day, sadly the choice must lie with the parents of the baby, they will have to decide between the two husbands and the grandparents will have to respect their decision

Please don't give into his demands, he will see it as a victory and will expect his own way like a spoiled child in the future. I speak from experience.

I disagree with 'Trisher'. If your son and DIl have invited your partner and want you both to go you should go, especially if you have both already agreed to do so.

It sounds like your ex is sulking and using the situation to manipulate you. And, when you think about it, using a Christening and hurting the feelings of his own son and DIL, is pretty mean.

At all events, you have made your choice and now it it up to your ex to decide for himself whether he will attend his grandchild's Christening.

I agree with radicalnan this is not about the ex this is about the grandchild it's her day I would go with my partner and have a lovely day if he wants to be childish that's up to him, if it was the other way around would he be as accommodating and leave his girlfriend at home I don't think so

Our family had this problem for many years with various partners and ex's and no matter how the host bent over to accommodate them it was always stressful and spoiled christenings and weddings as someone was always put out and causing trouble. I then took control of the situation and told all family members to send invites to all the people they would like to attend and then leave it up to the individual to make their own choice without 'conditions' about whether they wish to accept and attend and enjoy the day for what it was rather than making it about them and their wishes and inability to move on in life. Its worked and even though some people attend and don't actually mix with the 'other' person even the most ardant trouble makers seem to be responding positively. Its as though once the power of disrupting something is taken away from them they have no choice but to act mature and attend or decline and miss out but by their own choice and they cannot blame anyone else or accuse them of taking sides.Everyone is given equal status, not 'rights'.

Your ex husband is using the only power at his disposal to have a continued hold over you. He is using the situation to have control.
It is your granddaughter's day - let it rest with her parents. It would be a real shame to spoil their day.
It is a Christening - so between you and your ex-husband - which one of you cares about the service and the commitment that the parents and God parents are making on this special day?
If it matters more to you then I would attend. If it does not greatly matter to you then I would not attend the service but would attend the family gathering afterwards. If it matters more to your ex husband then he attends the service but not the family gathering afterwards.
That way both of you can be present at the different parts of the day.

What lovely sensitive advise xxx

Oh and so sorry I hope you didnt think I was trivializing the posting, I got carried away trying to work out who was who DH DG etc etc.

But I completely agree with the ladies who say you must stick to your guns, don't allow it to spoil a beautiful occasion. Poor love.

It has to be the decision of your son and DiL really.

I do feel that your ex is more entitled to be there than your relatively new partner. If I was in a similar position I would happily stand back and let my partner of 15 years attend an event if his ex wife didn't want me there, even though I didn't meet him until 4 years after she left him!

If your ex husband genuinely believes that your new partner was responsible for the break up of your marriage you can't blame him for feeling bitter, whatever the circumstances were.

I have discovered that you can't please everyone once parents split up, unfortunately. My own ex has completely lost contact with one of my (adult) children and only sees the other two intermittently which works well for me but is awful for the children!

Stick to your guns, if you cave in you will create a precedent for ever. My ex-husband used to say things like this and unfortunately my youngest son used to give in and used all sorts of tactics e.g. arranging our grand daughter's christening without our knowledge when we were on holiday. Unbelievably hurtful. AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY, it's not your problem it's his.

I read; when I have time most of the comments, and the advise given with great interest.

However, as I am new (ish) to the forums. Is it a rule that initials be used to determine who you are talking about - aka DH is the dear husband? DG = dear grandchildren? DS dear son? GP grandparent and the new one for me OH (I thought at first this must mean OLD HUSBAND,) but then decided it means other half? do we have to use these initials.......drives me potty I have to say.

Unless you're being openly antagonistic I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. I've been through a sequence of similar (or ever nastier) difficulties but happily time has brought about a softening of attitudes and ten years of smiling, biting my tongue and not doing anything to 'up the anti' has worked, ex and I and my partner can be civil, friendly even, and he has visited our home with the children and Grandchildren. I know it doesn't feel as though one has 'time' when family events are rolling past, but it's one set of circumstances when I think patience and openness rather than confrontation stands the best chance of a resolution.

An invitation to any event is between the inviter and the invitee (are they both real words) it is not for the guests to stipulate their terms for attendance nor is it for other guests to accommodate their whims.

If they do not wish to attend it is their choice entirely but it is rude to issue ultimatums or even to consider yourself so important, that you may consider doing so. Either attend with good grace and good manners or decline the invitation.

Why do people now assume that they can mould every situation to their own life choices it is about the baby and immediate family this time and ex's have to get on with that or stay at home.

I think the ex husband needs to grow up and think about his son and grandchild instead of himself. If he cant be an adult for the sake of a few hours then he doesn't deserve to be invited. There is a reason that he is an ex and he needs to get over it and move on. He has been invited - its his decision whether or not to accept the invitation. I am sure that if his new relationships had not broken down he would have wanted to take his new partner. Stick to your guns Millymolly.

Imperfect27 what an awful situation for you. Sometimes our parents and family are more protective than we need. But how sensitive of your exes partner to realise and step back. As you say we always respect and are grateful to those who are behave well and don't cause confrontation.
millymolly hope you didn't take my comments about your ex being the grandfather as criticism. Your DS may at some point cut off relations, but you don't want to be seen as the person who stopped his father coming to his daughter's christening.

I think the same as trisher , the ex husband is the child's grandfather , the second husband is not.

The parents should be told of the problem, if they choose to support the step father over the father then their choice .

If the parents of the child who is to be christened have invited milly's partner to the christening, that's all there is to it. An invitation is an invitation.

And he is, potentially, an honorary grandparent, or an 'adopted'* one. It's not all about blood ties.

* the husband of a well-loved gransnetter (see soop's kitchen) is the much loved adopted grandpa of all her grandchildren and is treated as part of the family. Her ex husbands are civilised about it and do not hold grudges. That's the difference.

trisher makes a good point. I never had a problem with my ex-husband's (male) partner attending family events, but my parents made a huge issue of it, as did 2 of my brothers, notably threatening me that they would all boycott my daughter's funeral if I didn't 'sort it out' and soon after, refusing to come to my eldest daughter's 21st birthday party if he was present! Different circumstances, but the same problem - losing sight of the needs of people at the centre! I cannot put into words how awful this was for me at the time

At the funeral, the partner, who had been with my ex for five years and was not involved in the break up of our marriage, travelled with us in the funeral car, but sat in the background in church. He didn't come to my daughter's 21st. I feel he showed great sensitivity to step back and leave us to it - it wasn't fair, or just, but he earned a lot of gratitude and respect from me and my children.

OP, you and your husband are the reason there is a christening and even though he is the one who is being completely unreasonable, deep down, I am sure your sons would want both of you there. You don't have to play 'happy families', but I think it is one of those times when graciousness is called for - a strength not a weakness.

If you decide, with your partner, that you are able to give ground this time, I think it will pave the way for smoother times in the future. You will have the moral highground where your ex is concerned. Could your partner come to the church with you even if he doesn't attend the bash afterwards? I hope that you can be united in the decisions that are being placed upon you.

Sorry even if your new partner has been supportive and helped with your DSs he is not their father and is not your DGDs grandfather. The person who has a right to be at the christening is your ex. Be magnanimous agree to his terms and go on your own showing you are not dependant on having your OH there to hold your hand. He'll probably be quite shocked imagining that having moved away from him you are now relying on your new partner to support you. It's also a sign to your DS and DIL that you are the reasonable one and he is the difficult bastard! He'll probably think it is a victory but you will be remembered as the GP who made sure her DGDs christening went off successfully.

millymolly Just rest in the support of your sons who will no doubt be on the look out for any problems. Your relationship with your DIL is really important so it is vital that you and OH are seen as trustworthy and reasonable people to whom she will be happy to entrust her precious baby in the future. You have so much to look forward to! Just let all this go and try to relax as much as you can and enjoy being a GP.

Has it been decided by what name you will be known to your little GD?

When me Ex more or less gave me the ultimatum I told him it was his decision and the day was not about him but our granddaughter. His response was that he would not be in the same room as my OH and he would not play happy families.

Whilst I'm a strong professional woman I continue to feel manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by him, since we split up I've seen this behaviour in him more and more, having been married to him for 28 years and together since I was almost 16 I didn't give him credit for the behaviour I now know was evident throughout the latter years of our marriage

If your partner has been invited to the christening and has accepted then that part is settled. Your ex is just trying to emotionally blackmail people. Call his bluff by ignoring his threats.

My son is very laid back and tried his best to avoid confrontation and wants everyone to be happy, my daughter in law can be less forgiving, both are aware of the situation and want my OH and Ex attending. I've advised that he's given a date deadline in respect if catering as numbers will be affected if potentially X other 6 family members also won't attend as a sign of solidarity. The christening is only a small after with around 30 people invited.

There is potential for my Ex to be confrontational towards my OH however my adults sons wouldn't stsnd for any nonsense from him

My OH has known my 3 sons for just over 2 years.

My Ex currently has a girlfriend and she's been invited also...I have no contact with her as I don't see it necessary

Not thought of a gift yet but open to suggestions

Thank you for comments thus far

What a shame millymolly that your former husband doesn't realise the Christening of your son's baby isn't about him, it's about the baby and her parents. The responsibility of grandparents is to support their adult children as they become parents to the very best of their ability. Do your son and his partner know what's going on.
I do hope the day is a happy and successful one. It's such a special time.