should the children be more important than the relationship

Ok I get that some of you have great relationships and don't agree with reiki/ethel, but here's a question for you. Do you never feel that there is some aspect of your personality/life that you have adapted or even lost to fit in with the other person? If you think I am trying to be clever I'm not. I am really curious. I know that if I had stayed married to my ex my life wouldn't have had all the interesting little bits in it, it has. So although the divorce was painful it benefited me and I do get where reiki/ethel is coming from.

wilma in reply to your question, I just don't think ethelb has said anything outrageous. More has been read into it and than was intend ed. But hey, GN loves a ding dong.

I have had almost four years of being without mine. I can manage fine without him. I have family, friends, good neighbours. I love my house, I like my city, I have things to do the involve my brain and my heart, and keep my body flexible. I am not a sad case who spends my days lamenting my lot.

But I would give anything to have him back. He was my best friend. I was never a satellite to him, nor was he a helpless babe dependent on me to feed him, entertain him or "bolster his ego" We were individuals who chose to live together and raise children who were an amalgam of us both - and who did not need us to consciously decide to "put them before each other", because as a family we all worked together, not as a hierarchy.

Perhaps we were lucky? Perhaps we both had examples of that kind of family from our own childhood? Perhaps neither of us felt we had to lay down ground rules of precedence, or exert control over one another, or warn one another not to expect to get as much love now that there were others to share it??

What is certain is that we liked each other as well as loved.

Sadly for you Reikilady you appear to hold a very jaundiced view about marriage and men.

Lovely post NannaandGrampy, just change short to tallish and 40 to 30, then that's me!

I think that's where your idea of being with a man and mine are very different Reiki ,

You see being amusing - I see having a good old laugh together.

You see witty - I see being my funny old self with someone who gets me .

You see Ego Booster - I see a short , fat , getting to that age woman ...I don't think my DHs ego would get much boost from that .

Companion is where we agree. Thats what my DH and I are, companions, still in love after nearly 40 years, being together because we WANT to be and each of us getting something from our relationship.

Twee though it sounds we are more than the sum of the parts and we are better together.

If being alone makes you happy then all power to you but many , many of us are happy being together.

Sorry polly I would find that too cloying it would do my head in, I need lots of me time , not time spend being the amusing, witty ,ego booster, companion for some man

It's not a situation where you want a man because you can't manage on your own. I love my DH and he loves me. We look after each other and we are best friends. We share a life and love our outings, holidays, doing the garden, even just going for a coffee together. We have all the family here for tea or Sunday dinners and we are one big happy family. My three sons are great fun and they love their wives and families. This is the reality for many people.

Hi reikilady/Ethel I just know I too could survive without a man if I had too. Like many women including lots of my close female relatives I'd have no choice. I think that's probably true of all the posters on here. Most men are decent. Most are wonderful husbands, fathers and sons. Yes I know there are some right shites but some women can be just as bad. It's not your opinion that people take umbrage with, it's the fact that it can sometimes probably unintentionally sound like an accusation.

B....y H.ll, I didn't mean to start world war 3.
First I did say those things to my late DH. He agreed as I said I expect you to put the baby first before me too. We had no problem, he died suddenly when DD was aged6.

He was the best husband ever but over the years I did not look for another as I didn't want DD to have another Dad, no one can love children as much as you do. My mother never met another man till I was grown up (similar circumstances). Over the years I grew self sufficient I never ask anyones help, I pay for anything done to the house/car/garden. I like it this way

I see women who have to ask their husband if they can go out with friends and it annoys me, it also annoys me that some couples can answer for the other when I ask a question, I would find it claustrophobic . I like men but I couldn't eat a whole one.

I like working with men but apart from having a long term relationship with a waster when DD grew up I just don't need a man.

Im not a monster I just know I could survive without a MAN unlike some of the posters on here.

Hi ethel glad to hear you're OK.

Jalima there's nothing wrong with having different opinions, but opinions can and do offend.

jing do you agree with everything ethel has said on this thread or just the bit about not going away without your children?

It's ridiculous lumping all men together. If Ethel had three sons like mine she'd never have posted such rubbish. I have three wonderful sons, who look after their families, they cook, shop, do housework, change nappies, get up in the night, and have responsible well paid jobs. I also have two gorgeous grandsons.

Wilma I haven't posted as I have been up to my neck in work. I stand by all I said (ethel)

I can't stand gpoing shopping with my DH. Luckily he doesn't like it either.

Well I still agree with her (*ethelbags*) Can't see what all the fuss is about. She's probably right about a lot of men. (not necessarily my old feller)

My DH must be a rare case. He always put our 2 children above anyone else. He said that as long as I treated them right we would get along with no problems. Although this meant that if he disagreed with how I did things he would criticise me.

sorry, didn't mean to highlight it, will get used to and soon

I'm not surprised so many people have taken offence
Not sure why anyone would take offence though WilmaK, those are ethel's views, and other people have different ones, which is fair enough, and if we were all the same it would be a very boring world indeed!

Well, she certainly got everyone going, didn't she mumofmadboys

As for Izabella's post, it sounds more like a computer generated reply than from a real person. Remember those awful school reports given out at the end of year 11 before sixth form? They were generic, computer generated clap trap.
lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high Que? Can't see any feelings running high in the OP, but plenty in subsequent posts . The OP is just puzzled that parents of a small child need 'me time' by the sounds of it, as many of our generation did not.

MaryEJB nice sensible post.

Perhaps Ethelbags original post was a joke or a wind up???!
If not and she is serious I hold with the views of Wilma above.

I think everybody is entitled to their opinion about choosing to go away without their children. The reason I was so taken aback with Ethel's posts is her saying

I informed my late husband that once we had our child he was in second place and all my life was centred around DD

If the male is such a spoiled brat that he demands his partners attention then I think it is a mistake to be with him.

After children leave home I think its a time for yourself not to spoil a self centred grumpy old man who wants a mother substitute which is what most men are.

I see older couples every day going shopping together, going out and I feel it is not my scene, I like my freedom Im glad I dont have a man hanging on to me like a big toddler.

These thoughts are hardly a normal view of marriage and I'm not surprised so many people have taken offence.

She hasn't posted on this thread since Wednesday night, when she made all of her posts. I wonder why. I feel very sad that she should feel this way.

Reikilady. Do you practice Reiki on men?
And I have to say that I think your a little bit jealous of your Daughters relationship.

ethel/reiki - you really do hate men don't you!! I don't - I think they are great!

Again quoting Madame Snooty Izabella

"This child is blessed with a grandparent who can care but with respect appears A little lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high. Projection of our own feelings onto a situation and how we would personally resolve an issue, or what is right or wrong is not always helpful.

What does that even mean? Who else's feeling are we supposed to use?

" Izabella Fri 12-Feb-16 11:46:47

..... And I think Ethelbags sounds dreadful too, so with you on that one."

Eh???! I hope you just mean the name.