should the children be more important than the relationship

My gorgeous grand son has had weekends with us on his own since he was two years old. Last half term, he spent a week with us, aged 4. He wasn't home sick, we loved having him to ourselves and his parents had a bit of a rest and time with the baby. Win, win. My children didn't have the benefit of having grandparents, so we need to enjoy and give as much as we can.

I never managed a whole weekend with under 3s but once the older child was 6 (younger 3), Grandparents collected them once a year and took both of them on the train to Devon where they lived for a week. They asked if they could, children were excited and we got time off for romance, decorating, etc. 45 years on, DH and I welcome the distant DGC to stay in the summer. It seemed to work for us.

I would never have dreamt of going away without my children, I would have missed them too much. The happiest times of my life were spent with them & I have memories I cherish.
They grow up so very fast & then there is plenty of time to go away with your partner/husband.
I remember the first time I went away with my husband when our children were in their later teens & stopped wanting to come with us, I felt quite sad remembering the last time we were at the same place with them when they were younger, it just wasn't the same. Of course, I got more used to it after that first time & have had some lovely little breaks/holidays with my husband.
Having children is a blessed gift & we should treasure each moment we have with them. My heart goes out to those who cannot have them.

It is very important for a couple to spend time with each other, if they have reliable,capable carers- who better than grandparents- they should take the opportunity to have time away. The children grow up and move away. Parents are left to grow old together and this relationship needs to be worked at. From someone married for over 50 years

Maybe the men shouting for attention had a mother who made them number 1over their partners and now they want it from their own partners. Everyone needs attention and many relationships founder after the children leave home because the husband/wife bond has not been nurtured

Apart from one, who is grownup anyway, all ours live at the other side of the world. So I hardly ever get asked to babysit.
Except when oldest grandson was born, they asked me to come to Kuwait to look after the 6 week old baby. They had to go back to work, and their live-in Nanny had to return to Goa because of a bereavement. I hope I didn't ruin his development!
To add to all the other comments, I think the old arrangement of the extended family all living together is a good arrangement. There's always an adult around, and the other adults are free to go to work, or away for a few days, as they share the childcare. The child has the benefit of learning to adapt to a variety of loving people.
The nuclear family is prone to so many risks - death, divorce, unemployment - whereas in the extended family those are shared.

..... And I think Ethelbags sounds dreadful too, so with you on that one.

Oh dear what a hornets nest. Am just intrigued what the reaction would be if mum and dad needed to be absent for medical reasons, or is that so different?

This child is blessed with a grandparent who can care but with respect appears A little lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high. Projection of our own feelings onto a situation and how we would personally resolve an issue, or what is right or wrong is not always helpful.

I like it when DS & DDiL have a weekend away. I get my DGC to myself for the weekend. DiL is with them full time so I reckon she needs a break. It's a win- win .
Just enjoy them & give them special Grandma time.

You are right J. Like I said, my two did, on occasion, have the tears at bedtime, especially the older one. But they're both fine now. Couldn't have done them any harm really.

We are very good at creating storms in teacups on Gransnet aren't we!

Must admit my DD goes away with her partner child free more than I ever did I would of felt guilty not spending the time and money on the children having said that they have a good relationship and it doesn't see to bother my GS that much depending on what present they promise on their return.

Well done ethel for opening an interesting debate and reading everyone's points of view regarding their family relationships.

My conclusion is there is no right way or wrong way, all families work it out as suits them best. Those who have not moved far away from their families think that they have the best relationships, but it is not necessarily true. With work and travel, DC and DGC may not be physically close but they can still be close in our hearts.

Some believe that the only way to bring up a confident, happy child is to let them stay with GPs, other family or friends. It isn't the only way and my DC are proof of that. There was no-one to look after them and DH worked away, i don't remember needing a break from them or the need to nurture our relationship [very 'newspeak'!), we didn't go away without them for 15 years when DMIL volunteered one weekend.

Thanks ethel, enjoy your weekend and don't fall out of any trees!!

This is not a mathematical equation, as the elements are variable, and priorities change with circumstances. Sometimes the child/children will take priority over the relationship/partner, and vice versa. This is not a "cop-out" answer, it merely recognises that being part of a family is always a balancing act.... all the best Circuses have them... :-)

I did change my name on gransnet early on because i forgot my password and had to re-register. GN would not let me use the same name. Perhaps something like that happened to Ethelbags? Anyway we never left our children until they were lot older eg 10, 14 and 16 as there was no one able to look after them (grandparents in poor health) but did go out for evenings with babysitters - i think it's really important to nurture relationship between husband and wife. DH And I are still very happy together After 46 years. Having said that we did look after our 4 yr old grandaughter for a week when her brother was having a serious operation. Mostly she was good and happy but we did have a few tears for Mummy . She became very clingy with her Mum for a while after that( shed been looked after by a variety of other people too for several weeks)

I think perhaps today mums are just as keen as dads to get time away from their offspring. Perhaps leaving a child in nursery when you return to work makes you tougher and much less inclined to think no-one else can look after your child. Mums now leave young children with their father whilst they enjoy a spa day or even a weekend away. Dads have much more involvement with very young babies and are often equally responsible for their care. So perhaps both parents want time together.

When I had my son the only advice my mother gave me was the same as that given to NanaandGrampy by her Gran. i.e. that I should not neglect my relationship with my husband as my son would grow up and make his own way in the world and ideally the first relationship, with my husband, should have continued to flourish.
My mother put her 6 on a pedestal and before anything/anyone else in life - my parents split up after 25 years of marriage.
I was a stay at home mum and my son would often spend a Saturday, with an overnight stay, at my mothers house where my two sisters also still lived. He thrived on it and once a year my DH and I would have a week or a long weekend away without him.
Of course I missed him, but he was with people who loved him as much as we did. I was with him all day every day apart from those times he was with my family - how does that make me a worse parent than one who works and leaves their child with strangers who are receiving payment to look after children that they have no family ties to?

I love having my grandchildren to stay - and they love coming for "sleepovers." We have always seen the children regularly, have gone on holiday with them fairly often, and we have a lot of fun going out with the children - they ask to come and stay and in no way are "left" by their wonderful parents. Children benefit from growing up in loving families and spending time with family members. My late mother looked after my children when I worked, although back then I rarely left them overnight, and my children grew up having a very good relationship with their grandmother. Parents benefit from having a bit of time to themselves knowing that their children are in a loving, safe place - and having a good time.

After our son was born, if my husband had said to me that I was now in second place and all his attentions would from now on be concentrated on our son, I would have been devastated. I think such a statement would be likely to damage most relationships. A happy and relaxed relationship between parents is, I think, not only better for them but more likely to create a secure and happy base for the children.

When I was very young, my mum was quite possessive and over-protective of me, and dad was, to some degree, kept on the sidelines. With hindsight I realise that it fulfilled her need to be centre of attention but it affected my confidence and ability to be decisive and independent. It also meant that, at a young age, I did not have a very affectionate relationship with my dad, although it improved as I got older.

Of course, when you have children your priorities change, and going out or going away requires careful planning and organisation. But I think it's good for children to spend time away from their parents and with other relatives - as long as they're happy to do so. I was very close to my granddad and used to stay with him (my granny died quite young) now and again. It's a relationship that was a great source of comfort - and fun - to me. Parents are probably the most important people in young children's lives but that doesn't mean that they don't need or benefit from other close relationships. Our grandchildren often stay at our house and have a lovely time. We tend to have more time and energy to play with them - and it gives their parents a bit of a breather.

Having said that, I do think that the needs and feelings of children should always come first when marriages/relationships break down, and that might mean parents having to pay extra attention to their children and to keep any new relationships very low key for a fair period of time.

Oops, autocorrect took over there! Lol it should read, just a thought, .....perhaps they are planning on giving you another grandchild ?

Euston a thought......perhaps they are planning giving you another grandchild ?

I don't think the OP is wrong about parents leaving their children with family members but then nor is she right. Every family have their own opinions and ways of bringing up their children. what works best is that the wives /husbands/partners are like minded. As a child I was part of an extended family. We were looked after,loved and nurtured by grandparent and aunties. My children were bought up in the same way. my grandchildren have followed suit. I've had all eight stay with me for days on end from just weeks old. It's like a second home. I love it when the come here and they know were their toys are kept and treat our home like they belong. None of them ever fretted for their parents. I can still see two little cousins. one of 3 the other four singing in 'their' bedroom' Your right about both parents putting their childrens needs before their own. I agree that if the man behaves like a spoilt brat and demands to be put before the children then she's best rid,but life is never never that black and white nor that easy.

I had the impression from previous posts that the OP regularly looks after her DGD anyway, and they enjoy various activities together (climbing trees etc.).

So it's not as though the odd overnight stay is going to come as a shock to the child - she'd probably really enjoy spending more time with Granny.

The OP did ask "am I wrong" ?

People are just answering her question I think.

I'm gobsmacked! When I was a single parent with my daughter, she stayed overnight with my parents regularly from about a year old, to give me a break from constant childcare. She loved it, they loved it. Later my (now) ex-husband and I had weekends away and both my daughter and our son stayed with one or other set of grandparents, again, everyone had a great time. It was never a case of my ex-husband putting his need for attention infront of the children's needs. It was just us having some time away. Everyone benefited. My daughter now has 2 sons of her own, 4 and 1.5. They stay with me and my second husband overnight regularly so she and her partner can go out and not have to worry about getting up early. The older one stayed with us for 4 days when his little brother was born.

If people want to spend every waking hour with their children that's fine, not everyone does and as long as the children are with loved and trusted relatives or friends, and having a nice time, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Don't ever moan on Gransnet.
It heralds a barrage of virtue signalling.
Actually, we have looked after DGC when their parents have gone away, and DH did ask why they were going without the children, he was why anyone would want to do that.