Friend, or no?

The problem with three sometimes is that one of the trio can feel very excluded, which is very hurtful when it happens. I go away with two friends and we all get on. I have seen a newcomer come between close friends, if that happened to me, I would tell my friend why it was not working. But once the trust goes in any relationship there isn't much point really.

ajanela: we used to meet in twos but now it tends to be the three of us which is part of the problem. I really don't like the threesome but as we all do some activities together it's difficult to do anything about it. I will wait until I have time on my own with L and subtly let her know I am not a huge fan of the Wendy; then perhaps she'll understand if I drop out now and again. Thank you for your post and also to everyone else too ☺️xxx

However you choose to act, don't leave L wondering what happened and maybe feeling that you tired of her.

Oh yes lizzypopbottle, that sounds exactly like the wendy I am referring to. All smiles and charm; very touchy feely, flatters but also tells a few porkies along the line. I certainly have a purpose for her (free stuff) which I won't disclose here but she's already taken advantage of this little perk a couple of times so she probably won't want to lose me. Well tough luck, cos she has lost me and in a few months time she will probably realise this. Regarding L, she's a lovely person who I am sure will remain friends with me. I just don't want to get into the threesome any more than I can help as I go home feeling upset.

It sounds to me as if this person is likely to do exactly the same thing to your original friend (L) as soon as she finds someone more useful. That may leave L high and dry if you're not there at least in the background. I know someone very like this 'Wendy' (sorry to all the lovely Wendy's out there) who dazzles newcomers with her attention, her smile and twinkly eyes but if you look carefully, the people she cultivates all have something useful e.g. a particular skill or expertise (can do alterations, fix things or is willing to drive perhaps), access to free stuff or influential friends. If they stop being useful, she drops them. I'm careful these days to remain non committal and not to say 'watch out for her' because people simply can't believe that such a lovely, smiley person can really be hard as nails. Somewhere down the line the scales fall from their eyes and they are free.

In my experience, three friends is hard work. The relationship is always changing and if you are on the outside at some point it does hurt.

Mermaids48 I think you need to decide if you have lost respect for L because that's what will always be in the back of your mind now. It's almost like a trust issue. Do you miss her as a person, or just miss the idea of companionship? I wouldn't totally write off the friendship. Stay in touch and remain acquaintances. Wendy might move on. It all depends on how much you value your friendship with L.

ChrisW, you make a good point and I like to think I get on with everyone and share the love! However this particular Wendy, has a definite tendency to collect friends like trophies and is always waxing on about things she is doing with her various friends. This waxing, now includes telling me what she is doing with my original friend and I have to fight to temptation to respond in a like manner which is why it is beginning to feel like a contest. Also, I know a few of her friends but would never dream of gushing all over them and making arrangements to see them. Where we always used to travel to an activity together, she now finds every excuse under the sun to travel to the same activity with the other person. I am of no use to her any more (at least that's how I feel). Yes, I know, it's all rather sad!!

I have been there too. Around five years ago I had two close friends going through similar situations so I introduced them as I thought they might find having someone in the same boat a useful thing. They hit it off immediately. Not long after they started doing pretty much everything together - even going on holiday together. The amount I saw either of them got less and less (not through want of trying. One in particular cancelled everything last minute with a variety of excuses) I haven't seen either of them for over a year now, even though we all live near one another and they still do everything together. Part of me realises that these are no friends and I am better off without them. But a little part of me is still upset and angry that they have behaved like this.

I agree, Elegran.
I don't think anyone thought the newcomer shouldn't have been made welcome, just that in the OPs words, she has infiltrated one of my friendships to the extent that it's beginning to feel like a contest
That's not the behaviour of someone who had just moved into a neighbourhood and wants to make friends - most people in that situation would be circumspect and be anxious to avoid disrupting existing friendships.

Also - three can be a bad number to get together. Where two will share the talk more or less equally, it can be that two of the three monopolise the conversation and the third feels on the margin.

I get the impression that none of the posters are objecting to a new friend joining in, but are concerned about how sometimes the new one seems to be the one getting possessive and wanting to be in on every meeting or project, leaving no space for one-to-one between the others. There could be meetings of two-out-of-three of the trio that would keep the bonds between the original friends and establish other bonds between the new member and others, without all events always being for everyone.

There are times when we need to talk with a friend one-to-one, not in a crowd.

I don't often comment on threads, but I am a bit puzzled by the unanimous reaction to this particular one, so here goes. I suppose what strikes me is that the contributors' feeling of possessiveness for their friends. It's appears that they feel friendships have to be exclusive almost like love affairs are. This sort of over strong emotion can be damaging too, not only for the person who feels it. For instance, if a person moves to a new area and wants to meet people, attitudes of this kind would, perhaps, exclude that new person from friendship groups in a way which is unnecessary and unfair. I have seen this happen when a friend of mine was really upset that a new neighbour was 'breaking' into her social circle and being friendly with 'her' friends. I just perceived it as the poor new neighbour trying to get to know people and I was rather surprised by what I saw as my friend's rather extreme, possessive and unwelcoming reaction. In fact, I dare not have anything to do with the new neighbour for fear of offending my (not even very close) friend. Now my friend and the new neighbour are daggers drawn. What a shame!

Don't misunderstand me, I do appreciate that there are manipulative, mean and unpleasant people who try to destroy the relationships that others value. It is very difficult to detect who they might be from the off. However, I am very happy to share my friends and spread the happiness. Thus far I have not come across too many problems. Maybe I am not as close to my friends as the rest of the contributors are and maybe that's my loss.

As a Wendy, feeling a little hurt that my name should be used for this sort of thing! Hopefully I am nothing like that!

There is a lot to be said for the friendships that women have over the ones that -in my experience- men have, however when as in this situation things unravel its not good. Friends offer all sorts to a group and to fall out with one can have unforeseen results. I would advise keeping your counsel. I ploughed in when I felt betrayed by a girl friend , she didn't like it and we do v v little socially now, though our golf continues. She's a star sign not to tangle with!! Luckily of the 6 of us in the group 3 cant be doing with silliness and the other has joined forces. Life's to short, make new friends appear not to care cos in the end you won't. I thank God for two friends from university ,we've seen each other through thick and thin over 50 years, its just that they aren't local.

Personally I think that the word friend is over used, we have few but more acquaintances.

is there a name for the kind of 'friend' who imposes on you for years and suddenly drops you when someone else moves next door, only to appear on the doorstep when that person moves away? i wasn't too upset when she stopped calling on me, because to be quite honest she would sit for hours mainly talking about herself and her troubles, and it started to depress me. but when she started to come again i was not happy. i even went to the extent of keeping my back yard door locked and not answering the doorbell if i knew it was her. she would even phone me on her mobile while she was sitting outside in her car. then she made a new friend and disappeared again. haven't seen from her since then, and as i have moved house i hope i never see her again. i have since learned that this was a common practice for her.

I recognise the problem.

Are you a group of friends that meet together rather than just in 2s? If so at one of the gatherings I would bring up the subject of this thread casually in a discussion.

I am sure L is going to feel the same as you and maybe is waiting for you to rescue her.

Agree with Far North, good advice. Back off a bit and as FN suggests don't leave L wondering why. Maybe one should feel sorry for this person as they are obviously needy and insecure - but no she's a grownup. I am sure your important friendship with l will reestablish itself in the fullness of time.

What I find mildly irritating is a single person among those I know who at the mention of anyone's name immediately knows all there is to know about them and more than anyone else, ergo she is the more important friend. I shrug it off as she is probably needy and lonely. Try to be kind to her but don't want to get sucked into her vacuum.

If your gut feeling is to steer clear of the other two for a bit go with it you may find L will want to know what is going on, however, you have obviously known her as a good friend for longer so I don't see why you can't ask her to meet you for a coffee on her own, as somebody else has said it might come out that she is missing seeing you one to one.

I had a peculiar situation in that an ex sister in law seemed to want my life. She moved from another continent and lives near me with her new husband. She has my parents' furniture in her house. When my mother died she moved into the house (with my brother) and then moved her brother and her parents in. She has all the family photos and drawings of my parents. I maintain a relationship with her partly because I want to know what's up .

I understand you don't want to appear needy by talking to L.
If you just withdraw without explanation, tho, L may feel you have lost interest in the friendship with her and may not do anything about it for fear of appearing needy to you.
That's the way someone like your wendy operates.

Maybe you could mention to L that you are a bit tired of wendy's company, so you won't be doing certain things quite so much? For all you know, L may be thinking the same but is tolerating her for your sake.

As I said up thread I still see my friend but will never feel the same about her and the closeness went. She was far too easily seduced by the new friend who went out of her way to insinuate herself and others besides me felt left out, but such is life and we deal with it.

the 'threesome' is becoming established

And there lies the problem. If you back off at times, then the new 'twosome' will start to become established. But I don't see what else you can do. If you invite L out for coffee, or to your house for lunch, she will very likely - and innocently expect the interloper to have been invited as well. You can hardly say to her, "oh, by the way, don't say anything to X", so she may well mention it to her. If this X is a seasoned 'Wendy', then she will act the injured party and seek L's sympathy and support. This could even lead to L being encouraged to see you in a new light, someone who is, for no reason, being hurtful to X.
But for all that, you should withdraw at times and, more importantly, find other friends. As Wendysue says, that will help you if L is completely taken over by this woman, though I too hope it doesn't come to that. And if L is a true and longstanding friend, it is unlikely to come to that.
Good luck

years ago I was found a friend through linedancing we hit it off straightaway, we had so much fun and laughter at linedancing, we had bit of lunch together when poss and we were knows as "here come the troublemakers" at linedancing all in fun of course it was like we were one.We could share anything in confidence.

Then!! there was other person (G)who had always been around at linedancing but she wasnt happy with the bunch she sat with (they used to sneak off to different venues and off on odd days out and didn't include (G)

So this one evening (G) was sat on her own so my friend asked her to come and sit with us (yes very nice and kind) (G) was well known to my friend.

BUT! after that day (G) sat with us permanently even when other friends were there and it was then our friendship started to turn, (G) would openly ask my friend "oh do you fancy going here ? do you fancy going there" ? never once was I invited and slowly over the about 10/12 months I stopped going linedancing and cut of my friendship with friend,after a certain episode.

As the years went by I did slowly sort of make friends again and I truly missed the friendship and so did she afterwards and I think she realised what had happened, I still feel sad and although we meet occasionally it is no where near what it used to be, I still feel very bitter about (G) and can barely speak to her if she is around. So yes it is almost like being in the playground, but as adults we can still be hurt, it doesn't make it any easier just because we are older and wiser.

Yes, this woman is definitely one of those who seems to want some of what I have. This has occurred to me on a number of occasions through different things that have arisen. I guess she has taken my friend because there is so much of mine she can't take. What she can do though is wheedle her way into my circle of friends (and thinking back its not the first time it's happened). I certainly don't want to appear needy by talking to L, but think L is sensitive and nice enough not to allow our friendship to end. Problem is, the 'threesome' is becoming established, and as long as it continues the games will go on. I can withdraw at times though and think this is what I need to do.

Yes, I'd simply arrange a meet up with L, just the two of you for a coffe or lunch or a natter. Leave t'other one out.