Friend, or no?

I recognise the scenario mermaid and you are doing the right thing to steer clear and maintain a haughty indifference.
Yes, we should have left this sort of behaviour behind in the school playground but sadly some people haven't.
If L is a good and worthwhile friend she will still value your friendship even if she's temporarily flattered by the attention she's getting from
the new person.

A horrible experience for you.

I believe Mumsnet call this being 'Wendied' . Apparently it is quite common.

Try to maintain a friendship with L, even if it is on the cool side. Some people go through life behaving childishly, unfortunately.

x

Hello! Thank you jainainsworth and J52 for this very valuable advice. Oh - I've been 'Wendied' alright!! I did't realise it was a widespread practice either. I am really very grateful to you both and feel much better already (smiley smile).

I'm sorry to read this Mermaids48 but I have come across a few people who behave this way.

If you are good friends with L surely this will hold fast? Do you know how L feels about this new friendship? She might be feeling rather taken over by this person but unwilling to offend.

It would be a great shame if you excluded yourself from your own friendship with L and others because of this person.

You are probably not the only one to be affronted and upset by this person's attitude/behaviour though, others will notice too.

Can't offer any advice how to handle the present situation I'm afraid. .

A nasty scenario and one which I also remember being the plot of a novel, but naturally I have forgotten which!

This did happen to me some years ago. I still see the original friend but things have never been the same ,I realised she was always "looking for a better offer".

Didn't Mumsnet call it that on just one particular thread where the new friend's name was Wendy?

It's a horrible position to be in and you must be very hurt, Mermaids48. My own reaction would probably be to leave them to it, but that isn't necessarily the right thing to do in all cases, it's up to you. Good luck

Oh dear, I know an absolutely lovely Wendy!

That did happen on Mumsnet as ana says, but my research indicates that being 'wendied' originates with the Scottish politician Wendy Alexander.
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/2213610/Wendy-Alexander-rising-star-who-finally-fizzled-out-after-one-storm-too-many.html
" She earned the nickname "minister for everything", but her relations with colleagues were so stormy that rows in the executive were known as "being Wendied"."

As you were

And wasn't her brother Dougie who put the final nail into the metaphorical coffin?

'wasn't it'

must read before posting

mermaid Do you feel that this new friend of yours is actively trying to push you out of the picture and have there been occasions when you know you have been excluded? If so, I would do what others have said - try to ignore it and see more of your other friends instead.

91 threads on Mumsnet, on being Wendied.

It might give some insight to read them via a search for the term ' Wendied'

x

If L is a true friend she will not forfeit your friendship for this other woman. Why don't you tell L how you feel, but it's difficult to know what to do about this other person wanting to take over. I do think eventually things will sort themselves out and don't think you are being silly at all, it is very hurtful and it is no good being in a situation you find upsetting.

bold Luckylegs9 - thanks and I agree that being in a relationship that leaves one feeling upset isn't worth the energy. The whole situation is becoming too 'gamey' and after some great advice from all above, I have definitely decided to hold my head up high, walk away and invest in people I know are genuine friends.

Maybe your Wendy is just socially unaware and doesn't realise she seems to be pushing you out? Only you can judge that.
It would be a shame to lose a good friendship with L, especially if she doesn't understand why you are not around so much. I think you should raise the subject with L, to get her viewpoint and see if she really prefers the other person or not.

I wouldn't advise speaking to L, it can make you seem "needy" and if she is a real friend she will realise herself what is happening and act accordingly .

Mermaids48 I have had this happen to me (more than once) too and very unpleasant it is too. The only thing to do is to move on and find new friends fast as it is not worth your while to chase after anyone who has treated you in that way. Nobody is so inept or so insensitive that they cannot realise that their best friend is no longer around!
The first time it happened to me DH warned me about it and told me that there was something about her that repelled him but I couldn't see it to start with. I soon did though and she proceeded to peel away my entire group of friends and there was not a thing I could do about it.
The second time was when I was ill and my 'friend' thought I was going to die and was lining herself up to take my place. I even got to the point where I thought that at least DH wouldn't be lonely. Can't believe that now!!! When she realised that I was going to survive she found herself another man and married him. Have to say he is not a patch on my DH!

"Single White Female" anyone? The movie, I mean - that's what this reminds me of.

And yes, I definitely think there are some people who get close to someone to try to take away what they feel the other person has and they don't. Sorry to hear it's been called "being Wendied" (for obvious reasons), LOL! But I have no doubt that it happens and I don't think you're being "childish" for noticing or being worried about it.

I'm another one who wouldn't automatically give up the friendship w/ L. After all, I'm sure it still means a lot to her, too, even if she's also friends w/ the new person for the moment. It's cool to continue to do the things together that you usually do, but can you also plan some things w/ L separately, as I'm certain you've done in the past? Any reason, for example, that you can't ask L out to lunch or over to your house (just you and her), now and then?

But I also agree w/ the poster who recommended finding new friends. It wouldn't hurt to start looking around for/reaching out to some other people. That may make it easier if you end up totally losing L to the new woman though I hope it doesn't come to that.

Yes, I'd simply arrange a meet up with L, just the two of you for a coffe or lunch or a natter. Leave t'other one out.

Yes, this woman is definitely one of those who seems to want some of what I have. This has occurred to me on a number of occasions through different things that have arisen. I guess she has taken my friend because there is so much of mine she can't take. What she can do though is wheedle her way into my circle of friends (and thinking back its not the first time it's happened). I certainly don't want to appear needy by talking to L, but think L is sensitive and nice enough not to allow our friendship to end. Problem is, the 'threesome' is becoming established, and as long as it continues the games will go on. I can withdraw at times though and think this is what I need to do.

years ago I was found a friend through linedancing we hit it off straightaway, we had so much fun and laughter at linedancing, we had bit of lunch together when poss and we were knows as "here come the troublemakers" at linedancing all in fun of course it was like we were one.We could share anything in confidence.

Then!! there was other person (G)who had always been around at linedancing but she wasnt happy with the bunch she sat with (they used to sneak off to different venues and off on odd days out and didn't include (G)

So this one evening (G) was sat on her own so my friend asked her to come and sit with us (yes very nice and kind) (G) was well known to my friend.

BUT! after that day (G) sat with us permanently even when other friends were there and it was then our friendship started to turn, (G) would openly ask my friend "oh do you fancy going here ? do you fancy going there" ? never once was I invited and slowly over the about 10/12 months I stopped going linedancing and cut of my friendship with friend,after a certain episode.

As the years went by I did slowly sort of make friends again and I truly missed the friendship and so did she afterwards and I think she realised what had happened, I still feel sad and although we meet occasionally it is no where near what it used to be, I still feel very bitter about (G) and can barely speak to her if she is around. So yes it is almost like being in the playground, but as adults we can still be hurt, it doesn't make it any easier just because we are older and wiser.

the 'threesome' is becoming established

And there lies the problem. If you back off at times, then the new 'twosome' will start to become established. But I don't see what else you can do. If you invite L out for coffee, or to your house for lunch, she will very likely - and innocently expect the interloper to have been invited as well. You can hardly say to her, "oh, by the way, don't say anything to X", so she may well mention it to her. If this X is a seasoned 'Wendy', then she will act the injured party and seek L's sympathy and support. This could even lead to L being encouraged to see you in a new light, someone who is, for no reason, being hurtful to X.
But for all that, you should withdraw at times and, more importantly, find other friends. As Wendysue says, that will help you if L is completely taken over by this woman, though I too hope it doesn't come to that. And if L is a true and longstanding friend, it is unlikely to come to that.
Good luck

As I said up thread I still see my friend but will never feel the same about her and the closeness went. She was far too easily seduced by the new friend who went out of her way to insinuate herself and others besides me felt left out, but such is life and we deal with it.