10 days and counting

tanksalot I really understand how you feel. I too am one of those people who needs a lot of solitary time and I really do not like parties and large groups. I prefer to see friends and new people in 2s and 3s. I find large groups and being carted round like a parcel (which happens to us a bit when visiting grandchildren) is mentally and physically exhausting. To have to cope with this for 10 days must push you close to the edge. It would certainly have that effect on me.

However, do speak to your wife before you head off into the wide blue yonder. If you have been married long enough to have grandchildren, she must know and understand your need for time on your own. Better still could you take command of part of each day. Say, not make an appearance in family life until lunchtime, or sign off at 6.00pm and expect your family to respect your needs for time on your own.

I think you need to make it clear how much you love your family, but that does require families to be tolerant and understanding of each others needs.

I increasingly find, as I get older, that I need some solitary time too and although I love my family dearly, I can get quite stressed, even staying for just a weekend with them. It is easier if they stay with us as I can escape to recharge my batteries more easily. Ten days is a long time to be closely confined. "Visitors, like fish, go off after three days" seems to apply!

My Dad always used to say "It's nice to see them come and it's nice to see them go".

I sympathise Tanks - you are in a difficult position. It will be easier when you live nearer as the visits will be much shorter and easier to manage.

Yes, I think you and yours have a great attitude, also, Tizliz! I agree with maturefloozy that your DH is lucky!

Thanks for clarifying about DW, tanksalot! Looking forward to hearing from you more down the road!

And so are you Tizliz - he is a lucky man to have you ! What a lovely relaxed attitude but thinking about everyone else at the same time . .

My husband is a bit like you. He can take my large family for about a day before he has to get out. But I understand and sometimes go with him and sometimes he goes off on his own. My family also understand and just go with the flow. If he is there he is welcome, if he wants to go off then no censorship. I love my family, they are so relaxed.

Wendysue: I re-read my post; sorry for what I guess is a typo. DW COULD go a while longer after a respite, but I think she's had her fill for a while. Plus, we understand each other better now.

I share your concerns about the house deal. I'm a "handy-guy" who loves fixing, improving etc. So for me, a deteriorated house with upside potential is perfect; for SIL, he'd just buy and own and let others do the handy work. Whether I need clearance to do a project, and who is in control of the property has to be decided beforehand. I believe it will be their names on the deed, which is fine with me since they'll be responsible for paying the mortgage. I'm critically concerned with needing SIL's or DD's approval or permission to do what I feel needs doing, and how I'm going to do it.

It'll be a while before these decisions are made; I'll post on this thread in a few (or more) months with an update.

Tanksalot

Ok, wait, I'm confused...do you mean to tell us that you people are staying 2 weeks longer? Or is it just DW who is staying while you head for home?

Either way, I take it the two of you are going away for 3-4 days by yourselves before the next 2-week sojourn with DD and SIL begins? Sounds good! I hope you both enjoy it.

I'm glad you each had a chance to express your feelings to the other. I'm sorry that you're so far apart on all this, but you seem to be working things out and that's good, IMO.

I can see where the idea of DD and SIL buying a house for you is "somewhat appealing." Less spent by you and DW to put out, an investment and tax deduction for them and hey, you wouldn't be moving if it weren't for them, so why shouldn't they put out some money for this. Are they going to want a say in the choice of house though? And are you ok w/ that? Will their names be on the deed? And if so, will they expect a say in how you run the house, etc? If you want to be "head honcho" in your new home, you may want to look a little closer at this offer and make sure there aren't any strings attached that you can't/don't want to handle.

Whatever happens, I wish you and yours all the best! Please keep us posted!

Thanks everyone for you responses. "The kids" are skiing, and we're home alone. Wow! What a difference!

This morning we had "the talk". DW agreed she, alone, could stay here with the kids, with the uncertainty of planning, sudden friend visits etc. for a MONTH. In my dreams I expected her to be able to look inside my head and somehow "understand", and make appropriate adjustments. After 2 weeks she did get a little tired of babysitting, but after a 24 hour respite go go 2 weeks more.

I explained how I felt, the impact on me of arriving to a deserted house, not having notice of who's coming when, etc. etc. We agreed that after 3-4 days we'd go someplace in our camper, then return. Exclusively for my sanity.

I feel somewhat guilty depriving DW of as much time with GD as possible, but looking back on our lives, I've been deprived of goals/pasttimes/preferences due to DW's feelings about them. This is too important to my sanity for me to capitulate.

Also, I learned from DW that SIL and DD have discussed buying a house for us. It would be an investment/tax deduction for them, and an affordable home 4 hours away from them for us. We'd pay what we're paying now, which is affordable. There are many issues to be thought about and discussed, but it is initially somewhat appealing.

Thanks for your feedback and understanding (in some cases). Possibly some granny's who are married to a self-centered, introverted old curmudgeon will read my posts and have a kinder view of the old fart they're married to.

Tanksalot

Oh yes ! - please do let us know how this works out once you are away from all this - - and I really do hope that you both will be able to talk and discuss the visit honestly and as previous posters have said - - communicate your feelings to each other for the future changes to come.

Ok, first GC - I thought so! No doubt, that explains a lot of DW's almost exclusive focus on her. I'm not saying this is only true of women/GMs or always true of us. But I've heard of it more w/ GMs than GFs. If you lived near your DD and family, this may have calmed down a little by now. But since you don't, my guess is that DW is still running on "excited new GM" cylinders.

Sorry that your speech didn't get the results you wanted. And ugh! How awful to arrive to nobody home. I've heard of that happening to people w/ their AC and CIL before. though, so it's not just your family, if that's any comfort. And it's possible that DD and SIL are just very disorganized and do this to everyone, not that it makes it that much better.

Suggestion: In the future, maybe call or text them before you actually arrive and find out if they're home? You shouldn't have to, but... sigh...

This ^ will be more effective, I suppose, once you move there. Cuz then you can check before you leave your house and postpone leaving, if you want, until they're actually there.

About trying to kibosh their plans - I wasn't accusing you of that, if this is how it sounded (sorry). Just wanted to make sure that's not the problem cuz there are some GPs who try to have a say in their AC's/CIL's guest list/agenda. As long as you just want to know what's going on (don't blame you!) and a chance to opt out, that's cool, IMO. I hope you ask for that, in the future, and that they oblige. Again, this may be easier when you live there and can check before you go over, as to whether anyone unexpected is joining you.

I'm not really sure, however, what difference it makes to you if DD and SIL have additional guests, last minute or not, or if additional people are meeting you at a restaurant, as long as you and DW don't have to pay for their food, etc. Unless it's just that the addition of even a couple of people makes you all the more uncomfortable. Or if you would like some dinners out to be just w/ the family, period.

Once again, living there may help solve this problem. Then you and DW can issue some of the invitations and be in control of the guest list. So whether you have them to your home or take them out to dinner or whatever, you'll be able to ensure that there are no extra guests (I think).

Glad that DW chose to spend the weekend w/ you instead of w/ DD and family skiing! It shows you she's already starting to wind down. After you move (sorry if it seems like I'm harping on that), no doubt, she'll still be very open to spending time w/ DD and family and watching GD for them. But just as likely, she'll want some time for herself, as well, and for the two of you as a couple. You and she may want to discuss your hopes/wishes/expectations for how things will be then, however. And before the move, you both may want to find out what DD and SIL are envisioning and come to some compromises, if need be, etc.

Meanwhile as Ana points out, this long sojourn is almost over. You go home tomorrow, in fact! Exhale!

And this long post (sorry) is now over, too. Hope you keep in touch w/ us!

tanksalot,forgive me if I repeat things or seem clumsy - I am skipping reading a few posts today, but have been thinking about your situation over the past few days.

As a very new granny myself, I think so much of what is unfolding is a learning curve. I still haven't got my head or heart around how much I will see of my GC and how supportive I will be able to be, but what really did surprise me upon his arrival was the overwhelming, almost physical 'need' to see him, to give family support, to get involved ... Maybe this is all wrapped up with my personal history, maybe it is a common reaction - I don't know, but I do know that as time unfolds, new boundaries have to be worked out. I can see how easy it might be to get sucked into always being available.

When I look back to my own parents, I think I took an awful lot for granted re their availability and they were very involved and helpful - and probably a lot more tired than they ever let on. When we are younger, we don't always think beyond our own needs - not because we are selfish - but because we have a lot going on and if we have grown up with supportive parents and this support is offered again when a new baby arrives, it can be easy to become too dependent without realising that it could be costly to them.

I really do hope that you and your wife can talk out your needs with each other - I feel this may need to be an open conversation for some time as you both work out what might be reasonably expected of you. I do feel you deserve more consideration and that you may also need, on her behalf, to say you are not available ALL the time.

I have been in between jobs over the time that baby has arrived, but I expect to work FT again very soon and then I know I will be juggling on all fronts as I try to balance needs at home with supporting DD and family. And I know I will need my DH to help me to say 'no' on some occasions.

Thanks, Ana. Yes 2/13 to 2/28.

I think you must mean 2/13 tanks - anyway, only two days to go, make the most of them! I agree with Lona.

I'm with you tanks, it's your life too and I really think you should be talking to your wife more about your wants and needs.
I would be desperate to go home by now if I were you!
Don't be a people pleaser, it doesn't help.

Is this your first/only GC? Yes. First one.

We arrived 3/13 (Sat.). Depart 3/28. I set up a lengthy visit so my wife could visit with GD as long as she wanted. I fully expected her to be tired of visiting much earlier. I just learned that she was invited to join SIL & DD & GD at a ski house for the weekend, but she decline. She's finally getting tired of the pace.

"Sack of potatoes" speech - Essentially no results. Just this visit their communication is SLIGHTLY improved. Driving to their house we took the fastest, less scenic route only to learn, enroute, that there would be nobody home until much later (4 - 5 hours) after we arrived. Previous visits, we've arrived and found a locked house, no note etc. Consideration for us is not their strong suit. This only very mildly annoys my wife; it infuriates me.

" They need to know you won't try to kibosh their plans.". How??? They have the right to do what they want, when they want. I wouldn't think of telling them they couldn't do something......As long as I know what's on the agenda and have the right to not go, they can do whatever they please. And they do.

"Not sure where they get all the time and energy for these parties during the week, etc.," I have no clue either. Plus, they're VERY social people, and we get told of dinner plans, but then at the last minute sometimes learn that 1 or 2 other couples will be joining us. We're put in the awkward position of saying nothing or making a big stink over the extra people.

Story: When our GD was born, my wife really wanted to be there, helping out etc. We had no camper then. After our GD was born, and everyone was home, I was sitting on the couch overhearing a phone conversation that my SIL's parents were also coming. (SIL was off from work for a couple of weeks.) After the phone conversation, nobody was telling us this was going to happen!! We'd be in a house with a new baby, new father and mother, and two sets of grandparents. SURPRISE!!

I've learned a lot from this experience; Today I'll be voluntarily going back to see GD in swim class, take videos and stay at their house while they all go skiing. Wife didn't want to go and babysit while they ski.

I'm with tanksalot. I would hate to be living with other people for anytime over 3 days - even family. We had a holiday last year staying in the same village as my daughter & family but OH & I stayed in a hotel (it would have been our camper van but I took the roof off in a French underpass) & they rented a house. We spent sometime together but mainly did our own thing during the day. We also spent time alone with our GC to give their parents sometime alone together. In the evening sometimes we ate together. But not all the time!

10 days us a LONG time to live in close proximity with people who are highly sociable if you are not. Where is Mrs tanksalot in this? As I wife I am clear that my OH needs must be met as well as mine in our relationship & I know that he is a fairly introverted, grumpy old sod at times but he still needs to feel loved & respected.

You need time alone. Fair enough. I would have thought they got that by now.
You dont cope well with plans changing last minute, fair enough, and being surrounded by people often, I would have thought that they knew that too.

I am afraid you will have to get used to the demotion from headhoncho at times.

As regards the time spent with you bit. She does that at home and travelling. So I dont think you are as neglected as you think.
But you could as for a bit of time just the two of you, even if only for say 20 minutes at the end of the day, when at your DDs.

You sound as if you feel trapped. If you want to continue in the marriage I would definitely have a think about what you do want out of life, then talk to your wife. Give and take is the only way a relationship can grow before resentment rears its head.

Just want to add that those last minute plans/changes in plans may be due to your DD's erratic schedule. She and SIL may not really know what's up until late in the day. If you think that's it, you may need to cut them some slack there.

Not sure where they get all the time and energy for these parties during the week, etc., if DD is working 4 nights in a row and SIL works, too (in the daytime? at night?). But another reason they may not announce plans till just before is that they're afraid you'll object or opt out. They need to know you won't try to kibosh their plans. But they also need to realize you have the right to decline an event, etc.

About your wife's family's vacations - IMO, you have a right to decline (though you might miss DW if she decides to go). Or to take some me time during the trip. Sure, some of her relatives are going to wonder and criticize. But does it really matter?

If it does, then your caught between 2 needs - the need for downtime and the need to please/be well thought of by DW's family. You're going to have to figure out which means more to you. I would choose the downtime and never mind what anyone else thinks. If I'm freaking out inside, I'm not going to be very happy or much fun, anyway. But you may see it differently.

Well, yeah, I think "gransnet" definitely is for granddads, too. After all, it doesn't say, "grandMOTHERsnet" or "granMUMsnet." It's just that it seems more women tend to post on such forums than men. I agree with Jud that we need more men here and I'm glad you had the wherewithal to join us!

"She doesn't seem to want to spend much, or any alone time with me. Possibly since we're alone together for weeks on end, both at home and traveling, my feelings are secondary to her enchantment with being with our GD. "

I think you hit it right there ^, as far as DW is concerned. While 10 days seems like a lot to you - and would to me, also, as much as I adore my GC - to her, I imagine it's, as you suggest, "enchanting." Is this your first/only GC? All the more reason she may be all about being a GM, right now. It's bound to level off a little, eventually, if that's any comfort. I know that's not much help for now.

But you didn't answer my question about whether or not there's an end date to this visit. If it's in just a few days, no worries, hang in there and know you'll be home soon. If it's not for a couple of weeks, then, IMO, you need to tell DW you need some guaranteed time alone with her, even if it's just a once a week "date night" (or afternoon).

I don't blame you for your "sack of potatoes" speech. But did it get results? Are they telling you things beforehand now (and if so, does that help)? If nothing has changed, you may need to simply assert that you need some "me time" every day - would you be ok with a set hour or two? - and that you need to know of any social plan/changes in plans ahead of time. And reserve the right to opt out if it conflicts with your me time.

Meanwhile, I'm delighted to hear that you do spend time with your GD, go along with her and DW to the park, etc. And that you enjoy her. I'm sure you're giving all you can, Please don't expect more of yourself, except to be upfront about things.

Tanks I believe Gransnet IS for grandads as well as grans, and there need to be more men on here to give their perspective. However, whatever site you choose to post on, you will always get a range of responses. You have posted your frustrations and have a right to do that. I know it is hurtful if people are a bit brusque. But try to look at the more positive suggestions you are getting. Communication with your wife seems to be the key one.

I love my grandchildren dearly (we have 6) but I find as I get older I need some quiet time too. 10 days of frenetic activity can be exhausting, I would agree. As others have pointed out, you just need to explain your need for down time. Running away entirely though would be sending a different message.

I understood "gransnet" to mean grandparentsnet. If it means grandmothers net then I've walked into a hornets nest. You mean my 95% guess was LOW!!??

I guess I persist in trying to join with them in order not to feel "different"; and not to disappoint them that I don't care to be with them.

Re: "I take it you have discussed this with her? -- and cannot think she is ignoring your feelings as she is totally happy with being with her daughter and GD - knowing how you feel?" .......She doesn't seem to want to spend much, or any alone time with me. Possibly since we're alone together for weeks on end, both at home and traveling, my feelings are secondary to her enchantment with being with our GD.

Re: "I don't think the 'head honcho ' to ' an afterthought' will gain many fans on here - as you can already see"......Maybe a few of the forum members will consider that my perceptions ARE my reality. The fact that there are many people who don't agree with me is something I can't change. I would hope that at least some of the people would understand, if not agree.

Ok - I hear all you say - - what puzzles me is that you and your wife have been married for a while - yes? - and she must know you by now very well? - - so why is she not allowing for your need for some space alone?

I take it you have discussed this with her? -- and cannot think she is ignoring your feelings as she is totally happy with being with her daughter and GD - knowing how you feel?

If that is the case why are bothering to persist trying to conform to join in with them -- just take some hours out away doing whatever calms you and pick and choose what you join in with. If you know there is a trip out to a restaurant etc. ask questions about it the day before -- hour before -- whatever and if it doesn't suit how you feel just don't go - no rows, arguments, just say no but you all go and have a lovely time.

I don't think the 'head honcho ' to ' an afterthought' will gain many fans on here - as you can already see - - so sort out the real problem here and tackle it. You need to speak up and have conversations with them over thin gs that happen to find somewhere between 'head honcho' and 'afterthought' !!
95% ?? - - the clue is in the name - Gransnet - -

Thanks again for your candor. Allow me to share an interesting story:

Some time back (prior to GD) we were visiting "the kids" and I gave a long, impassioned speech to both kids about feeling like a sack of potatoes....not having any clue what was happening, with whom and where. Subsequent to the speech, we were all in one car driving to dinner at their friends house.
Literally 3 minutes before our arrival time our daughter piped up from the back seat and told us that we were meeting them at a restaurant, and there were 4 additional people!!!!! This kind of thing hardly fazes my wife, but drives me crazy!!

Every two years my wife's family rents a beach house for the WHOLE family. Approximately 25 -30 people in an 10-11 bedroom beach house. This, for me, is pure hell. In my mind it sounds wonderful, and I try to believe I'll really enjoy being around so many real nice people.
But it's totally overwhelming.
If you were a member of this family and "tanksalot" didn't come, what are the odds you'd truly understand and not be offended?? Or, if you hardly saw "tanksalot" at the beach house, wouldn't you wonder what was going on? Maybe not, and maybe I'm overly concerned with other people's opinions. But maybe I'm right. I honestly don't know....and I DO care.

The real problem for me (going back to the original topic) is the sudden change from being "head honcho" to feeling like an afterthought, with the complication of being surrounded by extroverts. I strongly dislike needing "alone time" as much as I do, but that's the reality.

I'm willing to bet that 95% of the posters here are grandMOTHERS, who totally identify with being enthralled with the GD, and don't understand or resent someone who feels otherwise. My GD is a wonderful, wonderful person, smart, happy, creative and a joy to be with. I honestly very much enjoy my time with her, and enjoy the trips to the park, drawing on the sidewalk etc.

My wife doesn't need "a break"; she's totally thrilled with her role and the opportunity to be with her GD 24/7.

But really, I never get the issue about "first world" complaints. If someone is part of the first world, they need to deal with the problems they face here. I understand about "perspective," but it makes no sense to me to be like, "Well, in the third world several generations often live together, so who cares if I'm away from home, my wife is ignoring me and I've lost some of my sense of control over my own life?!"

Extroverts like the OP's DW, DD and SIL (I suppose) tend to be energized by being around other people, fo my understanding. Introverts, to the contrary, tend to be drained by it and need time alone, if only to "refuel." I'm a little bit introverted, so I get it. Tanks, I think you have given a lot of yourself and I think you should make sure to get some time for yourself every day that you're there. Then maybe, it will be easier to go out for dinner and so forth.

But maybe you don't think your extroverted family understands - not even DW (?) - just like some of the posters here - and that's why you don't simply state that you need some private time? I get that DW "doesn't see a problem for herself." But does she get that it's a problem for you? Do you have her support here?

Different styles/personalities don't seem to be the only issue here though. You also seem to be feeling neglected by DW. Again, you may need to let her know that you would like some time for just the two of you. On the other hand, as posters have said, it may actually help if you get more involved with GD. Either along with DW or on your own. Maybe go with them to the park or, if that's not for you, play with her in the backyard, while DW takes a break. You may really enjoy yourself!