10 days and counting

Oh dear

Only 10 days! Hang on in there and be supportive. Sounds to me as though you don't like playing second fiddle. Sorry to be harsh. If you have a the camper to escape to for a couple of hours, I think that should be enough It's not as though it's for ever.

I'm presuming you are in the States tanksalot and that's a helluva move you across country and a long drive home too. Perhaps once you move closer to them you will both find new friends and past times that you can do together maybe your wife feels she has to cram spending lots of time with them while you are there as you live so far away which she won't need to do once you live closer, have you told her how you feel?

DH used to escape to the Pub!

tanksalot I think you really need to talk to your wife about how you feel. She might understand how you dislike big groups. you are not alone in feeling that way. Just to disappear is not going to do any good for your relationship.

Get involved with your grandson yourself. My DGS really enjoys being with his one grandad. If it's only giving him a cuddle while you read him a book.

I think grandads in particular are important as they have a male
perspectve in what for small children is often a very female oriented world.

Join in more. Play with your GD. Your wife would probably appreciate another nose wiper. Forget about yourself.

It doesn't matter what your wife's reaction to your going off alone will be?! On second thoughts she will probably be glad to see the back of you.

I, personally, would feel it was slightly freaky weird.

Unusually for me I actually felt quite cross when I read this. I wanted to respond by saying that the OP sounds like a petulant, selfish whiner who is in danger of spoiling what is a very happy occasion for his wife and family simply because he's out of his comfort zone for a few WEEKS! I wanted to say to the OP that he does not HAVE to get out of there at all; his life is not in danger because his family want him to be present on a few social occasions. I felt very much inclined to say that the OP comes across as immature and self-centred and he could actually enjoy being with his wife and family if he just made the decision to put their happiness before his own on this occasion.

I will however respond instead in my usual measured way with words of encouragement by saying to the OP that my husband doesn't particularly enjoy big social occasions or attending to very young children, but he loves me and our family enough to put aside his own preferences and join in with our activities; for the sake of not spoiling your wife's enjoyment could you not try to make the best of things?

Quite ga!

I'm sorry tanksalot but you sound like an overgrown spoilt child who is no longer getting all of the attention.

To my DH and I, our family is the most important thing in the world to us. We have changed nappies and wiped noses more times than I can remember and although we don't run our lives around the grandchildren we do take delight in spending time looking after them together.

I think you need to be very careful as you sound (if you don't mind me saying) quite selfish and have the "but what about poor old me" attitude as though you are almost jealous of your own grandchildren????

Whatever you decide to do I hope you don't end up a lonely old man in your precious camper van.

Yes grannya. I responded in my usual measured way too.

tanksalot maybe your wife would welcome you helping her out with your granddaughter, especially when your daughter is at work. You could offer to look after your granddaughter for a while to let your wife and daughter go out somewhere together. It might be a baptism of fire for you, but it would give you a chance to get to know your granddaughter. At the moment it sounds like you're not interested in your grandchild and that's not a likeable personality trait.

You need to get involved or risk being left behind, otherwise you might find yourself permanently alone.

My first post was because I didn't want to say what I really thought, but I share the opinion of others.
I feel sorry for the op's wife.

I do hope ethel doesn't see this thread because it confirms her opinion of married men.

I think it is about balance and compromise on both sides.

I am married to a man who is very introverted - not spoilt or whining or self-centred - he just finds a lot of people over sustained periods of time difficult to handle and it genuinely makes him stressed. I am the complete opposite and thrive on company - the more the merrier and where my children are concerned it is very difficult to say I am unavailable - can't actually remember the last time I did, though at times I am very grateful to my DH for reminding me we could do with our own quiet times.

tanksalot you seem to be on the brink of giving up a lot to move nearer to take on an increasingly supportive role for your DD and family. You are bound to have reservations and feel swamped about that at times.

However, rather than 'disappearing' which risks a hurtful breakdown in communication between you and your wife, could you not 'whisk her away' for a mini-break and use time alone together to chat things through and to check out how she is feeling? She may have some of the same reservations as you, but feel under pressure to be ultra supportive - particularly as you both get on well with your DD and SIL. That may actually make it harder for her to draw some boundaries and you could help her to set out what you both think is reasonable involvement.

For what it is worth - I think you have been judged harshly here, though you haven't perhaps represented yourself in the best light . But I do understand that some people have a much greater need (not selfish whim) for space than others.

I wonder if the op's wife would like to run away in the motor home, on her own, too?

nina it's someone's law that one does a narky reply and everyone else is full of sympathy isn't it. jings

'If you like pina colada and getting caught in the rain ...' comes to mind

Don't worry too much about your wife's reaction to you leaving. Maybe be more worried about her reaction when you come back.

Tanksalot , I completely understand ! I would be heading for the hills too . Some people thrive on company but I can only take it for so long then I need my space even if only for a few hours .
I am sure your wife will understand if she has any empathy that is ! You are not being selfish needing to distress , rather that than be a grumpy old man ..

mrsjones that's sooo funny! - and I agree - suck it up - its only for a short time and get involved - they are presumably your grandkids too - -

Mrsjones summed it up beautifully!

Very interesting spectrum of responses! Thank you all very much for taking the time to answer, and to refrain from (figuratively) tarring and feathering me.

I suspect a lot matters on whether you're introverted or not as to how you perceive my feelings. I really enjoy 1:1 time with my granddaughter. Or 1:1 time with SIL, daughter and, especially, my wife. BUT, when I'm visiting for long periods of time, have very little control over the environment, get surprised at plans that I'm expected to participate in and get carted around like a sack of potatoes not knowing where we're headed I get frustrated and overwhelmed.

What I really don't understand is how you (tarrers and featherers) can cope with a period of time where your agenda is pre-determined by someone else, and you learn what's going to happen, and who's going to be there as you're enroute to the event. That lack of control, and (in my view, lack of consideration) drives me nuts.

How long is reasonable/acceptable to visit in kid's house? Is 10 days long? short? When do you feel the "Urge for Goin'"....Tom Rush song?

Thanks again.....tanksalot

I do understand that this is getting to you - - and I think we are all different and you are just not made to be out of your comfort zone. How would it be accepted if you 'opted out' of some of the social events that were a suprise as your wife presumably knows you and understands that these are not for you.?

10 days visit is about enough in my opinion and I love visiting my two grandchildren but by then I need a break. Maybe a time away in the camper van ( bearing in mind the distance you live apart from them) somewhere before returning for a few more days might be good for you and your wife might just appreciate the break away too - us grandmums sometimes' carry on regardless ' as we are expected to . . . . .

I am thinking on the same track as maturefloosy do you have to go to every event, let your dw and the rest of them go on to some of the social gatherings and you can stay back and do your own thing.

Or take yourself off for a day, or you and your dw go off for a day on your own for a little bit of space, but not just to disappear for several days.