Miserable grandad

Good luck Lindill.

Best of luck, Lindill49.
If you are thinking like that, tho, I hope you don't resign yourself to staying for the rest of your/his life, which could be a very long time.
Start to look at options for how you can manage on your own, while there is no pressure to actually do anything about leaving. Then, even if you stay with him, you will feel yourself to be at less of a disadvantage.

Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone in my thinking. I left him a few years ago (pre grandchildren) but returned after 3 months as he begged me and living in rented accommodation on benefits was no joke. I've made my mind up that I'll stick it out for as long as we have left but I know I need to be stronger and not put up with the behaviour. Just felt a bit depressed about it all. Wish me luck.

Just a few words of caution. Shouting in front of the grandchildren is likely to be distressing for them. Children pick up on a hostile or angry atmosphere and won't want to visit in such a climate. This is a private matter between adults to sort out and by the sound of it not easily or quickly resolved.

As a young wife and mother I was bullied by a husband who just raised his voice and got in my face if I ever `answered back` . On occasion it got physical . I put up with it for 13 years . I think partly to do with the fact that this is what I had seen in my own home with my father , I just thought it was normal .
I realise now that if I had only stood up for myself it would not have happened and in a way I let him get away with it by behaving like a victim . I am a completely different person now and would not put up with one jot of bullying and neither should you .
Try to be strong , shout back only louder ! Have your grandchildren over and tell him he will have to go out if he is not happy . I know it sounds scary but you shouldn`t have to live like this .
He really is a bully who needs putting in his place .

There may be an element of jealousy in it. My DS has no children of his own but he has two stepsons. When my grandson was born (to DD) I thought he was as pleased as the rest of us, but as GS passed the baby stage, he got very grumpy round him (though I would add never with him). "He doesn't like me"; "I don't do small children"; "you spend too much of your time looking after him" etc, etc. I think, since his wife always put her boys before him in many respects - though he has always had a good relationship with them - it galled him to see that the two people whom he could always rely on put him first now seemed to have a new focus for their attentions. I'm pleased to say that he now has a very good relationship with his nephew. I think it's a difficult adjustment for men who have never been fathers in their own right - who have not brought children up from scratch. I know, although he has never actually said so, that he is looking forward to the time when the boys have flown the nest (they are 18 and 21) but I don't suppose that he has taken grandchildren into the equation, and a new focus for my d-i-l's attentions! I think, like others, that you need to challenge his behaviour towards you, as long as it would not be threatening to you. You should be able to welcome your grandchildren into your home and not have to worry about it.

I should answer him back whether the children are present or not. Put him firmly in his place. Sounds like a spoilt brat. kick him out Are you sure he's liveable with in the longer term? He sounds horrible.

And why should you have to pay for their food and treats separately from the general household budget?

There are some sound ideas already posted and they could all be employed. Many step-grandparents are more than willing and capable of fully engaging with grandchildren and can form reciprocal attachments. But not always and there could be different explanations: feeling out of his depth, lacking skills or ideas about engaging children, fatigue, jealousy and more. I did wonder if he was working from choice or need and if this had any bearing on his attitude to what he may perceive as intrusion of children.

I would go with the idea of spending more time with your grandchildren at their own home, as part of an overall strategy to bring about change. Appeasement, in this context means that you will not be 'treading on egg-shells' and can enjoy the children. However, I also believe that his behaviour towards you needs to be challenged as it is clearly making you unhappy and your grandchildren are by default being excluded from your own home.

Choose your moment to approach the subject; that it seems to you that he is avoiding the grandchildren and this is upsetting you....or words to that effect. Overcoming bullying or controlling behaviour can be successfully achieved when the person on the receiving end makes clear that a threshold has been reached and won't be tolerated. If he starts shouting, stop the talking, but not before saying that you are not prepared to listen when he shouts. I would not be recommending this approach if he has threatened violence or given you cause to suspect that it could happen. You may well find that you are stronger and more assertive than you thought possible.

I agree with Leticia that you should tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. Life is too short to be bullied like that about your grandchildren.

Could you try to look after the children at their own home and leave him behind?
They must pick up on the fact that he doesn't like them - I wouldn't want to put my DGCs in that situation, I'm afraid.

That's a horrible situation for you.

I'm so sorry for you. My husband has been grumpy in the past and even now on a bad day he withdraws ! He can be sat playing a game on his iPad as the children run riot!

We had a chat ! !! I think it's resolved now ( or it had better be )!!

Am I reading between the lines - but are you worried that if you do have 'the chat' he'll leave? Because if that was the case he's not much of a keeper is he? If he loves you then surely he'll at least tolerate them for their once a month visits.

Is there more behind this do you think ?

I think there is only one way to tackle bullies. If you tell it how it is going to be he might actually be afraid of losing you.

This bullying behaviour from your husband is having an oppressive effect on you all the time, not just during visits. Preventing you from having a discussion by shouting doesn't sound like 'sweetness and light'.
I agree, though, that you need to try to avoid his nasty behaviour, whether that is just by keeping the DGCs away from him or by sorting out the whole situation.

Cross posted so I don't think that my advice helps. I would refuse to walk on eggshells.

I would tackle him directly and sit down when you are both calm and discuss it but I would be quite firm that you love your grandchildren and will be having them around often and they are not optional. He got you and your family.
I put children ahead of partners and so I would actually leave him if he can't accept it.

Thank you for your support - I do try to keep them out of his way. I dare'nt have a "talk" as he starts shouting. If I were 10 years younger I'd probably do something about it but I have to try to keep the peace in the time we have left! I'll probably babysit at their place when my daughter goes to Glastonbury- she understands. I just need a way of dealing with it myself and not get upset.

How awful for you, when this should be such a happy family time. The problem is, if you speak to your husband about his behaviour and don't like the answer, where do you go from there? I think I would continue seeing your grandchildren at their own home as much as possible. Perhaps you could offer to babysit more at their own home. If your daughter says anything could you perhaps say its nice for the children to have their things around them. I don't mean for you to stop seeing the little ones in your own home because that's exactly what it is, your home as much as it is your husband's, but when you do have them with you try to compromise by keeping them busy and out of his way. Good luck xx

It doesn't help your situation but I wonder as he has no children of his own whether it's a case of he doesn't know how to be around them or maybe even like young children.
"Treating you like dirt" is not on in any circumstances. If he's fine when they're not there maybe he's a bit jealous of the time young children need. If yours were teens when you and he met then they would have been self sufficient.
Short of trying to alleviate these possible feelings by having a chat when you two are alone I'm not sure what you can do.