Miserable grandad

It doesn't help your situation but I wonder as he has no children of his own whether it's a case of he doesn't know how to be around them or maybe even like young children.
"Treating you like dirt" is not on in any circumstances. If he's fine when they're not there maybe he's a bit jealous of the time young children need. If yours were teens when you and he met then they would have been self sufficient.
Short of trying to alleviate these possible feelings by having a chat when you two are alone I'm not sure what you can do.

How awful for you, when this should be such a happy family time. The problem is, if you speak to your husband about his behaviour and don't like the answer, where do you go from there? I think I would continue seeing your grandchildren at their own home as much as possible. Perhaps you could offer to babysit more at their own home. If your daughter says anything could you perhaps say its nice for the children to have their things around them. I don't mean for you to stop seeing the little ones in your own home because that's exactly what it is, your home as much as it is your husband's, but when you do have them with you try to compromise by keeping them busy and out of his way. Good luck xx

Thank you for your support - I do try to keep them out of his way. I dare'nt have a "talk" as he starts shouting. If I were 10 years younger I'd probably do something about it but I have to try to keep the peace in the time we have left! I'll probably babysit at their place when my daughter goes to Glastonbury- she understands. I just need a way of dealing with it myself and not get upset.

I would tackle him directly and sit down when you are both calm and discuss it but I would be quite firm that you love your grandchildren and will be having them around often and they are not optional. He got you and your family.
I put children ahead of partners and so I would actually leave him if he can't accept it.

Cross posted so I don't think that my advice helps. I would refuse to walk on eggshells.

This bullying behaviour from your husband is having an oppressive effect on you all the time, not just during visits. Preventing you from having a discussion by shouting doesn't sound like 'sweetness and light'.
I agree, though, that you need to try to avoid his nasty behaviour, whether that is just by keeping the DGCs away from him or by sorting out the whole situation.

I think there is only one way to tackle bullies. If you tell it how it is going to be he might actually be afraid of losing you.

That's a horrible situation for you.

I'm so sorry for you. My husband has been grumpy in the past and even now on a bad day he withdraws ! He can be sat playing a game on his iPad as the children run riot!

We had a chat ! !! I think it's resolved now ( or it had better be )!!

Am I reading between the lines - but are you worried that if you do have 'the chat' he'll leave? Because if that was the case he's not much of a keeper is he? If he loves you then surely he'll at least tolerate them for their once a month visits.

Is there more behind this do you think ?

Could you try to look after the children at their own home and leave him behind?
They must pick up on the fact that he doesn't like them - I wouldn't want to put my DGCs in that situation, I'm afraid.

I agree with Leticia that you should tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. Life is too short to be bullied like that about your grandchildren.

There are some sound ideas already posted and they could all be employed. Many step-grandparents are more than willing and capable of fully engaging with grandchildren and can form reciprocal attachments. But not always and there could be different explanations: feeling out of his depth, lacking skills or ideas about engaging children, fatigue, jealousy and more. I did wonder if he was working from choice or need and if this had any bearing on his attitude to what he may perceive as intrusion of children.

I would go with the idea of spending more time with your grandchildren at their own home, as part of an overall strategy to bring about change. Appeasement, in this context means that you will not be 'treading on egg-shells' and can enjoy the children. However, I also believe that his behaviour towards you needs to be challenged as it is clearly making you unhappy and your grandchildren are by default being excluded from your own home.

Choose your moment to approach the subject; that it seems to you that he is avoiding the grandchildren and this is upsetting you....or words to that effect. Overcoming bullying or controlling behaviour can be successfully achieved when the person on the receiving end makes clear that a threshold has been reached and won't be tolerated. If he starts shouting, stop the talking, but not before saying that you are not prepared to listen when he shouts. I would not be recommending this approach if he has threatened violence or given you cause to suspect that it could happen. You may well find that you are stronger and more assertive than you thought possible.

I should answer him back whether the children are present or not. Put him firmly in his place. Sounds like a spoilt brat. kick him out Are you sure he's liveable with in the longer term? He sounds horrible.

And why should you have to pay for their food and treats separately from the general household budget?

There may be an element of jealousy in it. My DS has no children of his own but he has two stepsons. When my grandson was born (to DD) I thought he was as pleased as the rest of us, but as GS passed the baby stage, he got very grumpy round him (though I would add never with him). "He doesn't like me"; "I don't do small children"; "you spend too much of your time looking after him" etc, etc. I think, since his wife always put her boys before him in many respects - though he has always had a good relationship with them - it galled him to see that the two people whom he could always rely on put him first now seemed to have a new focus for their attentions. I'm pleased to say that he now has a very good relationship with his nephew. I think it's a difficult adjustment for men who have never been fathers in their own right - who have not brought children up from scratch. I know, although he has never actually said so, that he is looking forward to the time when the boys have flown the nest (they are 18 and 21) but I don't suppose that he has taken grandchildren into the equation, and a new focus for my d-i-l's attentions! I think, like others, that you need to challenge his behaviour towards you, as long as it would not be threatening to you. You should be able to welcome your grandchildren into your home and not have to worry about it.

As a young wife and mother I was bullied by a husband who just raised his voice and got in my face if I ever `answered back` . On occasion it got physical . I put up with it for 13 years . I think partly to do with the fact that this is what I had seen in my own home with my father , I just thought it was normal .
I realise now that if I had only stood up for myself it would not have happened and in a way I let him get away with it by behaving like a victim . I am a completely different person now and would not put up with one jot of bullying and neither should you .
Try to be strong , shout back only louder ! Have your grandchildren over and tell him he will have to go out if he is not happy . I know it sounds scary but you shouldn`t have to live like this .
He really is a bully who needs putting in his place .

Just a few words of caution. Shouting in front of the grandchildren is likely to be distressing for them. Children pick up on a hostile or angry atmosphere and won't want to visit in such a climate. This is a private matter between adults to sort out and by the sound of it not easily or quickly resolved.

Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone in my thinking. I left him a few years ago (pre grandchildren) but returned after 3 months as he begged me and living in rented accommodation on benefits was no joke. I've made my mind up that I'll stick it out for as long as we have left but I know I need to be stronger and not put up with the behaviour. Just felt a bit depressed about it all. Wish me luck.

Best of luck, Lindill49.
If you are thinking like that, tho, I hope you don't resign yourself to staying for the rest of your/his life, which could be a very long time.
Start to look at options for how you can manage on your own, while there is no pressure to actually do anything about leaving. Then, even if you stay with him, you will feel yourself to be at less of a disadvantage.

Good luck Lindill.

You shouldnt be with someone just because you cant afford to leave. When he married you, you came as a package, with family. This is a joint home and if he doesnt want the grandchildren there then he should go out. I think that your statement about staying together for the time you have left is profoundly depressing to be honest. My aunt remarried in her 50s, and her new husband had never had any children. He was fully accepted by the grown up children and subsequently adored by the grandchildren. Stop making excuses for him, he is a bully.

Gillt57, I agree . Living on a low income is hard but in time one learns how to manage ( I am a master of thrift and now actually enjoy seeking out methods of making my money go further )
I am in control of my own life and have become very strong and resilient . I would never stay with someone for financial reasons , life is not a rehearsal it is all there is ! .
Lavande , yes shouting is not a good idea when kids are around but they will pick up on any bad atmosphere . I do think children are not as fragile as they are made out to be and there would be no harm in the poster putting him in his place with a firm voice . They will probably find it amusing to see grandma sticking up for herself ( and them) .

LINDYHILL
don't stop seeing your grandchildren, this man of yours is clearly totally and utterley selfish, no excuses, I assume that he is a fully grown adult, therefore should take your family ties into account. Please do not neglect these grandchildren, once they have grown and "left the nest" all will be lost, love them, cherish them, they deserve you and likewise you deserve them, you cannot replace the special times, this man of yours needs to grow up and although he is not a natural grandparent, there is a lot to be said for being one. Best of luck x

Please forgive all the questions Lindill but it would help to have a fuller picture. Given what you have already said this would seem to be a case of egocentricity and perhaps narcissism. Do a search on this and try to work it out.
When the DGC go home and he gets your full undivided attention he 'rewards' you with being nice to you. Do you accept this and respond to his 'niceness'? Have you tried totally ignoring him, that is not giving him any attention at all once the children have gone home, until he apologises? This would ensure that he is aware that his behaviour is unacceptable and may give you a chance to make some new ground rules.

Are you afraid of him, is that why you feel that you cannot challenge his behaviour? Is his bullying primarily mental or is it physical? You say you left him before but went back to him when he pleaded for you to do so. Did you lay down conditions for you going back? Did you get help and advice regarding your rights and entitlements and did you both get marriage counselling?

You say that you have made up your mind to stay with him for the time you have left. What is behind this statement - is one of you ill with a terminal illness? If not what you are proposing to do is to live with this situation for another 10 or 20 years plus! I doubt you could do this and remain sane!

You say that at 70 your husband is still working and I wonder if this is purely choice or is your financial position precarious? Could it be his desire for control and not wishing to relinquish power and position?
I can see that financial necessity would make living with him difficult and leaving him equally difficult. Do you actually know the true state of your finances in that you know exactly what money is coming in to your home and what is going out and/or needed to maintain yourselves?
Do you go out to work at all or are you receiving a pension or even have access to bank accounts or have any money of your own? If you have no money at present you should be squirreling some away!

I am so sorry you are having such problems and I hope that you can soon start 'to see the woods for the trees'.

Well it's happened again. We had the grandchildren (10 & 7) to stay last night for the first time since November. (We've been away and moved house in between). He barely spoke after their dad dropped them off and was monosyllabic through dinner out (I paid for them) This morning he was aggressive and asked what we were doing after dropping them off. I said I would rather take them out than spend the day with him in that mood. He stormed out and hasn't returned (7pm). I did have a nice morning with the children though!! No he doesn't need to work but has taken on 5 days a week so I know he must be stressed. (He's a professional man so no manual labour) I work part time but can't contribute much or support myself. Hey ho!

Lindill I am glad you had a nice morning with the GC and hopefully got to see their parents since it has been Mothering Sunday. I really hope you will not make a fuss of Himself when he comes in! What is the normal behaviour pattern when he returns?

I note that you say he doesn't need to work but is working 5 days a week which surely means full time. If so then I am interested in how you came to pay for the children's meals and whether you volunteered to do so. Wouldn't he just automatically pay the whole bill? Does he normally pay all the household bills?

Did you do the above suggested searches and if so what do you think?