Miserable grandad

Lindell I can fully understand you wanting to work out a way to make this work for you and I think you need to do those searches as that will help you to understand the personality traits and what triggers to avoid setting off. You need to work out the best way of responding to your husband especially when difficulties arise. You should go and see a solicitor or at least someone at the CAB so that you understand your rights particularly as regards finances. You have no need to worry about money and should feel freer to spend as required and not just from your own small earnings.
Getting advice is not just for those seeking a divorce but also to help you live better together. Sometimes you need to develop strategies to enable you to do this.
Sending you every good wish and x

Lindill,
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. She set up a bank account of her own with a different bank (he was a bank manager) and saved bits here and there. She found a place to live and slowly made arrangements to leave. She consulted CAB and they found her a solicitor. When she left it was very acrimonious and a hard time for her but she had a lot of supportive friends and work colleagues and he had to pay half of the house profits to her and she will be entitled to some of his pension as he made her give up work when she had their daughters. The solicitor was very good.
She has now met and married a lovely kind man and never looked back.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but you shouldn't have to feel that this is it for the rest of your life. My friend and her husband did partly divide the house up before she left although the kitchen was a joint room they both used at different times. He was very secretive about money too and unknown to her he bought a flat for himself before they split up.
I really feel for you x

Sometimes you just have to accept the behaviour of a partner/husband/whatever if you can't change it although I don't include physical violence in that. Leaving is not always an option and sometimes it's better the devil you know and, of course, some people just do not like children of any age and cannot relate to them. In this case perhaps agreeing to differ and keeping him and the grandchildren separate is the way forward even though it may not be the perfect solution.

I think half the battle Lindi is deciding what you want . And what the immovables are. For you it's your house.

So now you have to find a way to get through , coping strategies if you will.

I wish you a huge amount of luck. You have more self control than I would that's for sure

You're quite right nanaandgrampy- I left my first husband because of his behaviour and ended up rearing two young children on my own with no support (he was self employed!). I made a pact with myself after leaving this one and returning - I'd stay put and not get myself in these awful situations of being alone and broke. Why should I leave him in a nice comfortable home? I thought I was strong enough to work things out - apparently not! I was looking for a way to deal with the situation. I think I can now say the things I need to him - he's contrite again. See how long it lasts!

Lindill only you can know the truth of this situation and my feeling is that some posters have jumped to conclusions, perhaps based on their own experiences.
In your OP you said 'He's sweetness and light again when they've gone home.'
That suggests to me that there is something worth hanging on to, and you need to firstly find out if you can, why he behaves like this when the grandchildren are around, then try to come to some sort of agreement.

Could you tell him (calmly) how unhappy this is making you, and ask him to go for counselling with you? If not, could you see a counsellor by yourself? It would help you to perhaps see things differently and to control the conversations you have with him.

Im sorry for your situation and I like many others here would just not tolerate it .

But you have no intention of going - preferring your new kitchen over the possibilities of a happy life. You never wanted to go did you? You just came on here to vent?

Im not being rude here , it just took your final post to clarify for me your motives. I had thought you really wanted to support to make that leap.

Nothing wrong with that. If you can live in that kind of negative environment and still enjoy your new house ( not home because a home doesn't have that level of conflict in it i think) then all power to you .

I do wonder how you will find that elusive peace you search for - and hope somehow you can find what you're looking for.

I would just tell him straight that you are not going to walk on eggshells, that you will be seeing your family whenever you wish and if he wants to sulk and shout then that is his problem and he needs to deal with it because you will be ignoring it.

Sorry but I'm not leaving a beautiful house we've just had built (my own designed kitchen) and no mortgage - I was just hoping to find a better way of dealing with him. I'm fed up of the rows and was looking forward to a comfortable 15 years or so. I've told him I'm not stopping having the grandchildren. He twists things 180 deg when he's shouting at me - I keep saying I need to record everything. I think I need to alter my own mindset so it doesn't bother me. There's no love any more - just a need for peace.

Lindill Please don't put up with this.
If your husband has a 6 figure salary why are you paying for dgc lunch.
This is demeaning.
And he also has a huge pension, and presumeably a government pension also. Why was the proceeds of downsizing not put into a joint account or invested jointly.

In my working life I was involved in domestic legal matters and you are entitled to so much more than perhaps you think. If you separate and you had to go on benefits it is likely only to be for the time taken to sort the domestic financial issues.

Apart from this issue of his attitude to the dgc - I don't think he is being fair to you. You should know your financial situation.
You are not having access to joint assets.
Surely this is emotional/financial abuse of some sort.
And to separate and claim your financial rights, you do not have to give a reason, sufficient that you would no longer wish to live with him.

GP could possibly arrange counselling but there would be a long waiting list, no harm to get onto the list anyway.

Please listen to the way the comments on this thread are going.... Why can you even consider living in a house with him? Is it fear of the unknown. You did it before, but if you do go for it please do it via a Solicitor.

Life could be so sweet.

Lindill the more you tell us the more I think you really should do those searches!
Don't be hasty or confrontational whatever you do as you don't yet know what ground you are on. I get the feeling that your husband knows exactly what ground he is on and perhaps is actually in the legal profession or has connections to it. If nothing else comes out of a visit to a solicitor for a free consultation it will give you knowledge of exactly where you stand and confidence to face the future whatever happens. Be swift to get an appointment asap. I think he is relying on your ignorance/innocence to bully you. Your home is half yours anyway as is the cash he has salted away from the proceeds of the last house sale. Do you have access to the money and know where it is kept?

Please don't offer any more money to someone who clearly doesn't need it. You are encouraging him to think that it is acceptable to take guests out for a meal and then haggle over the parts of the bill for their food and it is certainly teaching very odd behaviour to the DGC.

If you are married you have a half claim on everything including his pension. He has a half claim on your pension too but you will obviously still be hugely better off. Get legal advice today you can have a new life. I've done the difficult divorce it's no picnic but it gets sorted and it's wonderful afterwards. Nobody to tell you what to do ever again!

Totally agree - go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially. Many will give one hour of free advice, so check these out.

I can't believe you're prepared to live out the rest of your life like this.

Some of us have been in the same position as you , for me a life on a pension is far far better than how you describe your life . I have peace of mind and control over my own destiny and also if you divorce you will get half of everything anyway .
He will never change only get worse as he ages , I hope things improve for you one way or another xx

Stop threatening and start doing !

Just the same way that our kids know if you are a person who threatens and doesn't follow through they will start to realise and disobey you.

It's the same with your husband.

You have allowed him total financial control and that does not bode well for your situation. I would suggest a very early visit to a solicitor and start getting things in place so should the worst happen you are not left high and dry. Its not expensive and consider it an investment in your future. You have tasted life on benefits and didn't like it , and there's no reason for that to be how it has to be. BUT you must do something about it.

AND stop offering to pay for the children when you go out !!! If he has all the money then it wont hurt him. You really are playing into his hands .

if I was in your shoes, |Id start pushing back on things. Your husband sounds like a bully who is relying on you backing down every time . Stop playing that part. If he says 'Im leaving' say 'Ok'. If he complains about how selfish you are say' I have to be or you'd walk all over me' .

Take back control Lindi , only you can do it.

As my gran was fond of saying 'This is not a rehearsal- its your life ! Live it'.

Good of you to reply again. He makes small talk when he returns but I'm monosyllabic for a day or so. Things get better but then it all happens again next time. He pays all the household bills and I keep my small income and pension for clothes, birthdays, Xmas presents etc. He has always been very controlling with money- we recently sold our house to downsize so no mortgage and he kept all the proceeds even though we're joint owners. I trusted him again! If we need anything for the house I have to suggest it then wait for him to decide if and when it's bought. I got into the habit of offering cash when we go out with the children or paying for the whole thing myself to try to assuage him and he accepts! He has a six figure salary and a huge pension. He had open heart surgery in 2012 and I nursed him totally keeping cheerful and upbeat. He now says I'm the most selfish person he knows because the children came to stay on his day off (they came at 4pm and all he had to do was get dressed and go out) . I've told him this morning I've had enough of the relationship but will stay and be civil and keep house. He says he's leaving - some chance! Usual pattern throughout our marriage- I just need a strategy myself to cope with it although I don't hurt like I used to. Thanks for listening- I can't afford to go for counselling.

TwiceAsNice here here !!

Hi Lindill I'm with Colgran I put up with a bullying man for far too long I've now left and am happier than I've ever been in my life. No way would I allow a partner to be horrible to my grandchildren they always come first . There is legal advice out there some of it for free. The rest of your life might be a long time don't spend it in misery you deserve better

Lindill... surely you are putting up with too much of his bad behaviour. Any caring adult would make a little time for the children regardless of whether they are actually his dgc or not. He sounds to me like he's not just grumpy, he's mean spirited and jealous of the time and love you give them.
Honestly, if it was me.... I'd have it out with him, shout louder than him if necessary. Take no prisoners.

And remember, If you were on your own, what's his is also yours. If it was me I'd check my position with a solicitor, salt away a few ££ if possible. Information is ammunition. See what you'd be entitled to. And let him know that you're no more Mrs Doormat and that if you left he'd have to put his hand in his pocket.

Is your home owned. If so, it's half yours.

Only my opinion.

I've been there, I left.

Lindill I am glad you had a nice morning with the GC and hopefully got to see their parents since it has been Mothering Sunday. I really hope you will not make a fuss of Himself when he comes in! What is the normal behaviour pattern when he returns?

I note that you say he doesn't need to work but is working 5 days a week which surely means full time. If so then I am interested in how you came to pay for the children's meals and whether you volunteered to do so. Wouldn't he just automatically pay the whole bill? Does he normally pay all the household bills?

Did you do the above suggested searches and if so what do you think?

Well it's happened again. We had the grandchildren (10 & 7) to stay last night for the first time since November. (We've been away and moved house in between). He barely spoke after their dad dropped them off and was monosyllabic through dinner out (I paid for them) This morning he was aggressive and asked what we were doing after dropping them off. I said I would rather take them out than spend the day with him in that mood. He stormed out and hasn't returned (7pm). I did have a nice morning with the children though!! No he doesn't need to work but has taken on 5 days a week so I know he must be stressed. (He's a professional man so no manual labour) I work part time but can't contribute much or support myself. Hey ho!

Please forgive all the questions Lindill but it would help to have a fuller picture. Given what you have already said this would seem to be a case of egocentricity and perhaps narcissism. Do a search on this and try to work it out.
When the DGC go home and he gets your full undivided attention he 'rewards' you with being nice to you. Do you accept this and respond to his 'niceness'? Have you tried totally ignoring him, that is not giving him any attention at all once the children have gone home, until he apologises? This would ensure that he is aware that his behaviour is unacceptable and may give you a chance to make some new ground rules.

Are you afraid of him, is that why you feel that you cannot challenge his behaviour? Is his bullying primarily mental or is it physical? You say you left him before but went back to him when he pleaded for you to do so. Did you lay down conditions for you going back? Did you get help and advice regarding your rights and entitlements and did you both get marriage counselling?

You say that you have made up your mind to stay with him for the time you have left. What is behind this statement - is one of you ill with a terminal illness? If not what you are proposing to do is to live with this situation for another 10 or 20 years plus! I doubt you could do this and remain sane!

You say that at 70 your husband is still working and I wonder if this is purely choice or is your financial position precarious? Could it be his desire for control and not wishing to relinquish power and position?
I can see that financial necessity would make living with him difficult and leaving him equally difficult. Do you actually know the true state of your finances in that you know exactly what money is coming in to your home and what is going out and/or needed to maintain yourselves?
Do you go out to work at all or are you receiving a pension or even have access to bank accounts or have any money of your own? If you have no money at present you should be squirreling some away!

I am so sorry you are having such problems and I hope that you can soon start 'to see the woods for the trees'.

LINDYHILL
don't stop seeing your grandchildren, this man of yours is clearly totally and utterley selfish, no excuses, I assume that he is a fully grown adult, therefore should take your family ties into account. Please do not neglect these grandchildren, once they have grown and "left the nest" all will be lost, love them, cherish them, they deserve you and likewise you deserve them, you cannot replace the special times, this man of yours needs to grow up and although he is not a natural grandparent, there is a lot to be said for being one. Best of luck x

Gillt57, I agree . Living on a low income is hard but in time one learns how to manage ( I am a master of thrift and now actually enjoy seeking out methods of making my money go further )
I am in control of my own life and have become very strong and resilient . I would never stay with someone for financial reasons , life is not a rehearsal it is all there is ! .
Lavande , yes shouting is not a good idea when kids are around but they will pick up on any bad atmosphere . I do think children are not as fragile as they are made out to be and there would be no harm in the poster putting him in his place with a firm voice . They will probably find it amusing to see grandma sticking up for herself ( and them) .

You shouldnt be with someone just because you cant afford to leave. When he married you, you came as a package, with family. This is a joint home and if he doesnt want the grandchildren there then he should go out. I think that your statement about staying together for the time you have left is profoundly depressing to be honest. My aunt remarried in her 50s, and her new husband had never had any children. He was fully accepted by the grown up children and subsequently adored by the grandchildren. Stop making excuses for him, he is a bully.