Muscling in?

Napoleon, your friend was not correct in repeating what the gardener said. You had a good relationship with him before this.

I don't belong to many groups as I don't like to leave DH on his own too much. He gets introspective and grumpy . One group changes the dynamic frequently. It's a sewing group and we seem to cover all age groups although two women try to dominate it at times. One is widowed ,one never married and just keeps raising her voice but as we are all so polite she gets away with it and we know she is lonely. Another group I'm in has a selection of people from all shades of life. There is one who is a heart sink who never pulls her weight and only does what she wants which sometimes seems to be sitting in the coffee room talking. We have one half hour coffee break each session and she always manages to have an hour or say she needs to get away early if she has a duty she doesn't like. We all have a rota of duties and some get very irate at her actions but not too her. I think laughing at the errant one is the best result for myself. Don't know if that helps Alea. I've never wanted to be a queen Bee and always glad if someone else does.

Interesting story, napoleon. It made me think of my mum. If she were to discover her gardener had said something like that I think she'd just have said: "He doesn't have to like it; it's MY fence". She once told him to leave some scarlet pimpernel plants growing at the edge of the lawn. He said: "But they're weeds!" She replied: "They are NICE WEEDS! Leave them."

I am sorry, Napoleon but what has that got to do with anything?

Napoleon I'm not sure it was very nice of your friend to repeat what the gardener said either.

It is not only women who spoil things. Our male gardener whom I have recommended to friends, I have also supplied him with coffee and biscuits in the winter, cold drinks and cake in the summer for many years. He made a remark to a friend of mine about my awful choice of fencing, she told me what he said, no more drinks and biscuits for him and now leave his money outside. I realise It is petty revenge but I feel much better. Yes I accept I am a wimp, as I cannot tell him he has upset me.

Alea, before you leave for good and while this annoying woman is holding court, would it be rude of you to quietly ask the people either side of you about their progress with the book you're there to discuss? It might cause a ripple that slowly begins to engage the majority of the group and get them back on track.

Oh dear, there are certain people in life that sure get on your wick, hopefully I'm not one of them. A year of two ago we had a younger lady join our country dance group. Most of the group are early retired people both men & women. As I was a committee member I made a point of making her feel welcome. Almost as soon as we spoke she told me her life history, divorced, looking for company, depressed etc., etc. She joined in the dancing and was picking it up pretty well. She came to a few of the social nights and I took a step back and made sure she didn't latch on to me for the entire evening. She seemed quite sociable and all seemed well. She said had we got a Facebook page, which we hadn't. I had and it wasn't long before she had sent me personally a friend request. I granted it because I was curious to see what kind of person she really was. In the meantime, a week or two later, she brought a pair of pull on M&S trousers to class to sell!! Bit strange, but she said they didn't fit her mother and that as there were a lot of "old people" in the group (55ish), someone might buy them. Well to say she was popular with that comment was an understatement. By now some of the other ladies were commenting to me that she was "a bit weird". I decided I would "unfriend" her of Facebook so that she could no longer see my posts. After a few weeks she suddenly asked if I had unfriended her and expecting to be asked I just said yes I have too many people on it and had restricted it to family and close friends. She seemed to accept it. Later in the season she booked to come to our annual fish & chip/beetle drive social which is very well attended. She only lived locally so paid £10 for her ticket. She didn't turn up and she didn't let us know she wasn't coming. The policy is if people don't show and are genuinely ill they may get a refund. She came to class two weeks later having not been in contact with anyone and said she hadn't been well and demanded a refund. When she got no where she approached me and said couldn't I get her a refund. I by this time was heartily sick of her and said in no uncertain terms, no as she hadn't had the curtesy to get in touch with anyone and we had still had to buy the fish & chips. She then went moaning to others and in the end admitted to another member (who unknown to her just happened to be on the committee also) that she had in fact forgotten about it!!! After that she didn't come back and I think if she had she would not have been allowed to re-join as she offended so many members. This was an extremely unusual case as we have a very good reputation for being a very friendly club. Hey Ho that's life!!

Sorry its a long post but think I still need to rant when I think about it.

Reminds me of a posting of mine from a couple of years ago about a rude overbearing friend who stayed with me when I was ill and really upset me.
She came for a coffee last summer, I had made it clear she was not staying here.
After about 5 minutes she started to critisise, be rude etc. I told her she was, a rude, patronising, arrogant, aggressive bully. S.O. had been round for lunch and I had 1 1/2 glasses of wine.
I have felt better ever since, she has never mentioned it but is very polite to me now.

Personally would tell everyone I could think of what a lovely house she has and that it's up for sale!
I'd say how lovely the area is and say how nice it it is to live there. Who knows, maybe speeding this sale up is in your hands!!

Teacher11 your experience with your "colleague" rings many bells with me too!! Why are other people so blind/forgiving/tolerant/gullible?(delete whichever term does not apply)

Deprive her of the attention she craves by not reacting (don't answer emails phone calls etc) If she starts boasting smile nicely change the subject and move on. She will hopefully settle down after a while. Sounds like she has some problems.

Work round her and don't let her dominate your life.

I have every sympathy but your predicament seems pretty par for the course. When I was working and had been at my school for a decade another attractive, extravert 'nice' woman joined my department and absolutely took over. Apart from being able to talk for England and never allowing anyone else to get a word in edgeways, she convinced her colleagues she was a kind, generous and caring soul. Far from the truth- but being the only person who noticed that her words and her deeds were at complete odds I had to watch her suborn everyone. The inevitable happened and she (deliberately) pushed me out. I had to grin and bear it.

At my book group, which I have attended for 20 odd years, there are a couple of queen bees, or rather a queen and her trusty lieutenant, who dominate every conversation. Hilariously, at our last meeting, one of the bees couldn't be there so the other phoned her, put her on 'speaker' and she was able to perform her usual task of silencing conversation with the others from a distance of a hundred miles.

I think you are going to have to sit it out until this woman leaves the area.

This situation is so common. Don't let it ruin your life and friendships. Let's hope she moves away soon. Don't demean yourself by trying to get back at her. Organize something with your friends that you are interested in. Maybe a visit somewhere with a spot of lunch. And keep her off the agenda. Life's too short to hold grudges and she seems to have a thick skin. Good luck

Empathy from me as well Alea, it's so reminiscent of school all this competitive stuff isn't it.

Tegan - your comments about the woman you introduced to your mother and baby club whose babies slept through the night, only watched Open Uni programmes on the telly etc really made me laugh. thanks for that and I hope it cheered Alea as well.

It was a relief to read that her house is up for sale, fingers crossed it does sell before too long. Meanwhile, don't let your irritation stop you doing stuff you enjoy. 20 years in your book club is too long to be squeezed out by Ms Smarty Pants.

She is trying to impress, it sounds as if she feels a bit inferior!

A friend invited me to join a club; in the meantime, whilst I was thinking about it, a new acquaintance (fairly new to the area too!) mentioned that she belonged to that club. When I said I was thinking of joining she said 'Oh no, you can't, we have enough women already, we need more men!'

Oops we are not "straight stalking women" (unless George Clooney is around) but straight talking

I suspected it isn't a new phenomenon. You always get people anxious to assert themselves and "impress". This one sounded very willing and the first year she lived here was keen to host our Thursday Group committee (8 of us) annual dinner, assuring us she loved cooking and entertaining. Of course we all offered to either chip in or bring part of it, but no, no. Then a few days before the dinner a rather sheepish mutual friend admitted that the "hostess" was finding it more expensive than she had anticipated so could we each contribute £12 (could have gone out for that, to the pub anyway) so we did, plus the flowers, wine, chocs , cheese etc that each person brought. She had massively over catered and must have leftovers for about a week. Some people not just me felt a bit aggrieved at this! Of course it was expensive, you don't normally spend just shy of £100 on supper for a group of friends do you? That attempt to impress fell on stony ground as our Thursday Group are for the most part blunt straight stalking women with hearts of gold, but don't take too kindly to "posers"!

I have done this in a social situation to my regret. I
think I have posted about this before. It did actually spoil our social circle with us being the main losers. We didn't have enough influential friends and as Alea said the others in the circle seemed to be very easily swayed by her.

Reminds me of someone I worked with; she was always ready to sue anyone who upset her too (previous employer, the NHS, the Council).
She's the reason I never learnt a certain craft I wanted to take up (she was in the class), and my heart sank when I heard she was joining another group I belong to; she didn't join in the end thank goodness.

I think you just have to 'go with the flow' as the younger ones tell me and hope she moves sooner rather than later.

Reminds me of someone I introduced to out mother and baby club who had babies that slept through the night from birth and never watched childrens programmes; only Open University ones. Even after all these years I regret it. She didn't even live in our village.

Hee hee
St***d c*w indeed!!
Yes the house is on the market but isn't moving. It is very small, (if beautifully formed) and I suspect overpriced. Yep, zip it up and keep cool. Thank you!!!!

I've just come on to say what POGS said, "*Alea*. I've always though that POGS was a very wise woman.

Is her house actually up for sale? Do you know anyone who would like to buy it?

I think it's one of those times it is best to sit back back and 'under your breath' say stupid c-w.

Why? Because if and when she leaves the village you don't want to stand the risk of loosing the good aquaintances and friendships you have developed. Boy can than happen quickly yet take years to get back to where you were.

Ask her at every opportunity when she is leaving. She is probably a bit of a Walter Mitty Alea.

x posts Eloethan