Daughter in law excludes me

My heart goes out to you Alyson! I can see you're feeling pushed away and I totally understand that this hurts. Like other posters, I realize it must be very hard to go from taking care of GD once a week to seeing her only about every other month (don't know if it's that exactly, just going by the fact that 3 times in 6 months averages out to that). (((Hugs)))

If it's any comfort, please know that it's not unusual for GPs to only get to visit with their AC (adult child/ren) and family about every other month. Yep, even when they live 30 minutes or so away. At least, it's not unusual here in the States where I live. (I realize that might not be the cases in the UK, etc.) The change is dramatic for you, I understand. But DIL might think this kind of visiting schedule is entirely "normal."

Still, I don't get these DILs who just about tell their MIL/FMIL that they're going to pull their DS away from them! What nerve! But, unfortunately, for the sake of the marriage, DS often feels he has to go along with DIL's agenda, I guess... sigh...

TBF (to be fair), DIL may really feel that you and DS were "too close" (my words), even if she's totally wrong. So she may honestly believe that cutting back on visits is better for everybody, even though, clearly, that's not the way you feel.

Regarding what happened with the school holiday - So sorry you were disappointed. But, IMO (in my opinion), DS should have conferred with DIL before saying "yes." Especially since you tell us that she's the one who "organizes everything they do." Also, it's possible that she makes plans way in advance. So, in the future, I think you should approach DS much sooner than you ordinarily might.

Other than that, please enjoy the visits you do have and the phone conversations with DS. And, no, don't get "more pushy." That would only backfire. I agree with others that a light touch is best.

I think you've been given a lot of good suggestions here for how to stay in touch and I'm glad you like them!

I think your DIL and DS might not realise that your GD might be missing you too. After being cared for by you one day a week you would have a bond with your GC which wont be easily broken. Could you invite them over for a meal on birthdays or special occasions. Ask your DIL (not your son) if she can keep a couple of days in the holidays free for your GD to stay at your house.

If there has been a gap since you have seen your GD could you phone your DIL to see how she and your GD are, and to also say hello to your GD.

I always treated my DIL, who was not always the easiest person to talk to in the beginning, the same as my DDs. When they moved 1800ks away to live near DIL's parents I phoned my DIL (not my DS) every month to see how she was and ask how they were, she began to phone me too. I had also babysat my eldest GS one day a week before they moved away. I also made sure before they moved away that I was supportive of my DIL.

GSs are now 10 and 8 and DIL and I get on extremely well and have become close. I never thought I would find my DIL easier to talk to than my DDs.

Good luck Alyson I hope there are a lot more GC born on both sides of the families so all GPs are appreciated.

Try not to stress over it as long as your son keeps in touch with you just smile be polite and carry on

Have you spoke to your son about it?

My daughter started full time school last year and it's very hectic. She has something on nearly every week, this week she has a school trip and book share. Next week a workshop, assembly then her friends party on the weekend. She has more plans than I do. She's 6!

Once they start school, it's gets busy! She has projects, homework, reading etc. And whatever else outside of school. I'm just trying to maybe give insight on how busy the children are, let alone the adults!

It's also natural for the child to go to their parents first for help because that's what they have done for their whole life. If your son needed help and his wife was unavailable, he would go to you.

Definitely talk to your son about it. Does he have days off? Could he see you with your DGD after work/day off/weekend?

My situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours Alyson but I do understand how you feel .

It must be a horrible situation. I think that all you can do is talk to your son, make sure that you don't sound confrontational but tell him how sad you are not to have the regular contact.

I'm really sorry for your situation Alyson .

I agree with previous posters that a light touch is needed.

Perhaps mention to your son how much you miss the time with your grandchild and that you'd like to arrange something that fits in with their plans of course.

Maybe even suggest he and DiL might like a date night, or a free day to go to the movies or lunch . That way it's to their benefit also.

Thank you all so much - your advice and support is wonderful.
I will try some of the suggestions- I have felt so helpless but there are some great ideas - thank you

"Once they were engaged my dil told me that she was determined to break the apron strings" - cheeky madam - she must feel very insecure to think like that and very socially inept to actually say it!

What a pain for you to be used for child care when it suited her, and then ignored. I am so sorry for you and hope that you do get to see your GC sometimes.

You have all my sympathy in this uncomfortable situation; but I do hope that you can find other things to enjoy in life.

Hello again Alyson. I think morethan is spot on and would add that it is best to keep a very light touch. Granny is a very different being to mummy and the relationship is different too and it can be hard to find a way through all the 'feelings' out there.

We have teachers in the family and some are scarily organised and can't switch off even when at home. They generally have so much work to do even in the holidays and the pressure on them is intense. Some find it difficult to build others into their immediate family unit particularly if it is paternal granny/MIL and in any case DILs often have more confidence in their own parents simply because they know them best.

However, having said all that, my own DDIL is a teacher and treats me like a mum so that is a blessing and does show that in the end it is about character rather than anything else.

Does DIL have any siblings or is she an only? Perhaps like Smileless your DIL doesn't share or else it is all about control.
Is there a likelihood of any more GC along the way?

You do need to find a way of coping/living in this situation and I wonder if you could make friends with your DS's in laws - again with a light touch! Do you have a church family at all because you will find good support from there. Do you enjoy films or shows that you could invite all of them to, making it an extended family outing. You just need to take any and every opportunity you can of maintaining a light contact so that you are still known to DGD.

I don't often see my own DGC because they live at quite a distance from us and I find that postcards are a great way of being 'granny at a distance'. There are some really good ones around and you can say things like 'I saw this and thought of you' or 'thought you would like to see this' or isn't this cute' etc. etc. It is a good idea to buy two, send on and keep the other in a dated scrap book of them so that when you do see DGD you have a connection which you can tap into.
Sometimes I send a book or a puzzle or write them a letter, just talking about the daily things like what birds have been visiting the bird table and sending pictures or describing to them a day out we have had and that can be quite therapeutic. I phone for a chat and they chatter away to me which is a joy.

Hang on in there and hopefully there will come a time when you are needed/wanted.

Being 'a good family man' isn't just about being a good husband and father, it's also about being a good son, brother and grand son and in all of those roles surely it should be about love and not moral duty.

To live 30 miles away from your son and his family Alyson, and only to have seen the family 3 times since last September is very sad and I can understand why you're becoming increasingly upset and bewildered by it all.

What on earth is wrong with some of these women, why are they hell bent on almost or totally excluding their in laws from their lives. How dare she or anyone tell their future mother in law that they're determined to break the apron strings. I wonder how she will feel if in the future she has a son and her future d.i.l. says the same thing to her.

The night our ES got engaged she told me she had only child syndrome and didn't share and she wasn't kidding; our son lives about 15 doors down the road and we've had no contact for more than 3.5 years, haven't been allowed any contact with our gs since he was 8 months old (he's now 4) and don't even know that his brother born nearly 4 months ago looks like.

As for the sons who allow their parents to be treated in this way, well I just hope one day I get the opportunity to speak to my estranged son, I've got plenty to say but I doubt he'd be pleased to hear it.

It doesn't come across to me that your love is stifling, you just want to be able to have a relationship with your son and his family, if her mother can do so so then why can't you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling heartbroken and hurtI hope that a solution can be found and that you're able to enjoy mother's day tomorrow.

How hard that must be, going from looking after your GD 1 day a week, to hardly ever seeing her. I suppose it was almost inevitable when DiL's parents moved closer.

Have you tried telling DiL that you're missing her? Perhaps a direct appeal might make her realise how you feel.

Something which might happen is that DiL's parents might start to want a bit if a life of their own that doesn't revolve entirely around their daughter and her family. So keep channels of communication open with DiL as well as son.

As a mother of two sons you have my sympathy. It sounds as if your son loves you and has been well bought up, by you. He knows it's his moral duty to be a good family man. Unfortunately that means we are further down a big list. I'm sure he doesn't want or mean to hurt you. That's obvious because he does telephone. One of my sons telephones on his way home from work on Fridays. If I over think this It makes me feel as if I'm an afterthought. I know this isn't true really. He's had a busy week and is now going home to be a husband and daddy. We just have to accept it and be grateful for the wonderful memories we hold. Don't make him feel guilty or be more pushy when he contacts you just let him hear the pleasure and pride you feel in your voice. Please remind me of this when I next have a moan about my son

Hello, was divorced from boy's father but remarried 14 years ago. I have another son who is single. Get on well with dil parents but only see them at odd get together. Dil is a teacher so doesn't need help in holidays last year she organised something for everyday of the holidays apart from 2 none of which included us. son only has 2 weeks off work and they are away for both. I have backed off and sometimes wonder if I should be more pushy but I have never been like that.

Sorry to hear about your situation but glad to hear that your son does ring you regularly. Do you have OH and more family than just your son and his family?
Just wondering what your relationship is like with your DIL's parents and whether you have contact with them.
It may be a little early to be overly concerned about a particular date as there is more than one week of school holidays during the year.

Many of us grans don't see our families very often for many differing reasons and we have to learn to live with that I'm afraid. Sometimes we can be too stifling in our love and need to back off to a level that important members of the family can cope with. Do you think that might be what you need to do?