Daughter in law excludes me

Sorry to hear about your situation but glad to hear that your son does ring you regularly. Do you have OH and more family than just your son and his family?
Just wondering what your relationship is like with your DIL's parents and whether you have contact with them.
It may be a little early to be overly concerned about a particular date as there is more than one week of school holidays during the year.

Many of us grans don't see our families very often for many differing reasons and we have to learn to live with that I'm afraid. Sometimes we can be too stifling in our love and need to back off to a level that important members of the family can cope with. Do you think that might be what you need to do?

Hello, was divorced from boy's father but remarried 14 years ago. I have another son who is single. Get on well with dil parents but only see them at odd get together. Dil is a teacher so doesn't need help in holidays last year she organised something for everyday of the holidays apart from 2 none of which included us. son only has 2 weeks off work and they are away for both. I have backed off and sometimes wonder if I should be more pushy but I have never been like that.

As a mother of two sons you have my sympathy. It sounds as if your son loves you and has been well bought up, by you. He knows it's his moral duty to be a good family man. Unfortunately that means we are further down a big list. I'm sure he doesn't want or mean to hurt you. That's obvious because he does telephone. One of my sons telephones on his way home from work on Fridays. If I over think this It makes me feel as if I'm an afterthought. I know this isn't true really. He's had a busy week and is now going home to be a husband and daddy. We just have to accept it and be grateful for the wonderful memories we hold. Don't make him feel guilty or be more pushy when he contacts you just let him hear the pleasure and pride you feel in your voice. Please remind me of this when I next have a moan about my son

How hard that must be, going from looking after your GD 1 day a week, to hardly ever seeing her. I suppose it was almost inevitable when DiL's parents moved closer.

Have you tried telling DiL that you're missing her? Perhaps a direct appeal might make her realise how you feel.

Something which might happen is that DiL's parents might start to want a bit if a life of their own that doesn't revolve entirely around their daughter and her family. So keep channels of communication open with DiL as well as son.

Being 'a good family man' isn't just about being a good husband and father, it's also about being a good son, brother and grand son and in all of those roles surely it should be about love and not moral duty.

To live 30 miles away from your son and his family Alyson, and only to have seen the family 3 times since last September is very sad and I can understand why you're becoming increasingly upset and bewildered by it all.

What on earth is wrong with some of these women, why are they hell bent on almost or totally excluding their in laws from their lives. How dare she or anyone tell their future mother in law that they're determined to break the apron strings. I wonder how she will feel if in the future she has a son and her future d.i.l. says the same thing to her.

The night our ES got engaged she told me she had only child syndrome and didn't share and she wasn't kidding; our son lives about 15 doors down the road and we've had no contact for more than 3.5 years, haven't been allowed any contact with our gs since he was 8 months old (he's now 4) and don't even know that his brother born nearly 4 months ago looks like.

As for the sons who allow their parents to be treated in this way, well I just hope one day I get the opportunity to speak to my estranged son, I've got plenty to say but I doubt he'd be pleased to hear it.

It doesn't come across to me that your love is stifling, you just want to be able to have a relationship with your son and his family, if her mother can do so so then why can't you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling heartbroken and hurtI hope that a solution can be found and that you're able to enjoy mother's day tomorrow.

Hello again Alyson. I think morethan is spot on and would add that it is best to keep a very light touch. Granny is a very different being to mummy and the relationship is different too and it can be hard to find a way through all the 'feelings' out there.

We have teachers in the family and some are scarily organised and can't switch off even when at home. They generally have so much work to do even in the holidays and the pressure on them is intense. Some find it difficult to build others into their immediate family unit particularly if it is paternal granny/MIL and in any case DILs often have more confidence in their own parents simply because they know them best.

However, having said all that, my own DDIL is a teacher and treats me like a mum so that is a blessing and does show that in the end it is about character rather than anything else.

Does DIL have any siblings or is she an only? Perhaps like Smileless your DIL doesn't share or else it is all about control.
Is there a likelihood of any more GC along the way?

You do need to find a way of coping/living in this situation and I wonder if you could make friends with your DS's in laws - again with a light touch! Do you have a church family at all because you will find good support from there. Do you enjoy films or shows that you could invite all of them to, making it an extended family outing. You just need to take any and every opportunity you can of maintaining a light contact so that you are still known to DGD.

I don't often see my own DGC because they live at quite a distance from us and I find that postcards are a great way of being 'granny at a distance'. There are some really good ones around and you can say things like 'I saw this and thought of you' or 'thought you would like to see this' or isn't this cute' etc. etc. It is a good idea to buy two, send on and keep the other in a dated scrap book of them so that when you do see DGD you have a connection which you can tap into.
Sometimes I send a book or a puzzle or write them a letter, just talking about the daily things like what birds have been visiting the bird table and sending pictures or describing to them a day out we have had and that can be quite therapeutic. I phone for a chat and they chatter away to me which is a joy.

Hang on in there and hopefully there will come a time when you are needed/wanted.

"Once they were engaged my dil told me that she was determined to break the apron strings" - cheeky madam - she must feel very insecure to think like that and very socially inept to actually say it!

What a pain for you to be used for child care when it suited her, and then ignored. I am so sorry for you and hope that you do get to see your GC sometimes.

You have all my sympathy in this uncomfortable situation; but I do hope that you can find other things to enjoy in life.

Thank you all so much - your advice and support is wonderful.
I will try some of the suggestions- I have felt so helpless but there are some great ideas - thank you

I'm really sorry for your situation Alyson .

I agree with previous posters that a light touch is needed.

Perhaps mention to your son how much you miss the time with your grandchild and that you'd like to arrange something that fits in with their plans of course.

Maybe even suggest he and DiL might like a date night, or a free day to go to the movies or lunch . That way it's to their benefit also.

It must be a horrible situation. I think that all you can do is talk to your son, make sure that you don't sound confrontational but tell him how sad you are not to have the regular contact.

My situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours Alyson but I do understand how you feel .

Have you spoke to your son about it?

My daughter started full time school last year and it's very hectic. She has something on nearly every week, this week she has a school trip and book share. Next week a workshop, assembly then her friends party on the weekend. She has more plans than I do. She's 6!

Once they start school, it's gets busy! She has projects, homework, reading etc. And whatever else outside of school. I'm just trying to maybe give insight on how busy the children are, let alone the adults!

It's also natural for the child to go to their parents first for help because that's what they have done for their whole life. If your son needed help and his wife was unavailable, he would go to you.

Definitely talk to your son about it. Does he have days off? Could he see you with your DGD after work/day off/weekend?

Try not to stress over it as long as your son keeps in touch with you just smile be polite and carry on

I think your DIL and DS might not realise that your GD might be missing you too. After being cared for by you one day a week you would have a bond with your GC which wont be easily broken. Could you invite them over for a meal on birthdays or special occasions. Ask your DIL (not your son) if she can keep a couple of days in the holidays free for your GD to stay at your house.

If there has been a gap since you have seen your GD could you phone your DIL to see how she and your GD are, and to also say hello to your GD.

I always treated my DIL, who was not always the easiest person to talk to in the beginning, the same as my DDs. When they moved 1800ks away to live near DIL's parents I phoned my DIL (not my DS) every month to see how she was and ask how they were, she began to phone me too. I had also babysat my eldest GS one day a week before they moved away. I also made sure before they moved away that I was supportive of my DIL.

GSs are now 10 and 8 and DIL and I get on extremely well and have become close. I never thought I would find my DIL easier to talk to than my DDs.

Good luck Alyson I hope there are a lot more GC born on both sides of the families so all GPs are appreciated.

My heart goes out to you Alyson! I can see you're feeling pushed away and I totally understand that this hurts. Like other posters, I realize it must be very hard to go from taking care of GD once a week to seeing her only about every other month (don't know if it's that exactly, just going by the fact that 3 times in 6 months averages out to that). (((Hugs)))

If it's any comfort, please know that it's not unusual for GPs to only get to visit with their AC (adult child/ren) and family about every other month. Yep, even when they live 30 minutes or so away. At least, it's not unusual here in the States where I live. (I realize that might not be the cases in the UK, etc.) The change is dramatic for you, I understand. But DIL might think this kind of visiting schedule is entirely "normal."

Still, I don't get these DILs who just about tell their MIL/FMIL that they're going to pull their DS away from them! What nerve! But, unfortunately, for the sake of the marriage, DS often feels he has to go along with DIL's agenda, I guess... sigh...

TBF (to be fair), DIL may really feel that you and DS were "too close" (my words), even if she's totally wrong. So she may honestly believe that cutting back on visits is better for everybody, even though, clearly, that's not the way you feel.

Regarding what happened with the school holiday - So sorry you were disappointed. But, IMO (in my opinion), DS should have conferred with DIL before saying "yes." Especially since you tell us that she's the one who "organizes everything they do." Also, it's possible that she makes plans way in advance. So, in the future, I think you should approach DS much sooner than you ordinarily might.

Other than that, please enjoy the visits you do have and the phone conversations with DS. And, no, don't get "more pushy." That would only backfire. I agree with others that a light touch is best.

I think you've been given a lot of good suggestions here for how to stay in touch and I'm glad you like them!

But I'm wondering... how do you know that DIL organizes everything? Did DS/DIL tell you that or are you assuming? Cuz many young couples, today, as I understand it, have a yours/mine policy - as in, "You deal with your relatives and I'll deal with mine." So DIL may work out all plans with her side of the family and expect DS to do so with his. Only, of course, he needs to check with her to make sure she hasn't already made other plans (and, IMO, she should do the same with him). I realize you can't do/say anything about whether or not they clear plans with each other. I'm just just trying to think of all the possible reasons why she might only be including her own relatives. It might be cuz she's just totally selfish and insensitive, of course.

Also, yours/mine policies often are adopted when one or both spouses have somewhat strained relations with their ILs. Since DIL made that awful remark to you about "apron strings," it doesn't seem as if your relationship is all that good, even though it doesn't appear to be at all your fault. So might explain why she leaves all plans with you up to DS. But again, he may need to make those plans further in advance.

TBH, though, it sounds to me as if DIL is the one who needs to cut the apron strings from her parents, etc. But I realize there's nothing you can do about that either. And mentioning it would only backfire on you. Just hoping that, in time, her ties with her FOO (family of origin) will loosen a little - enough so that there is more room for you. More (((hugs)))

I'm very lucky in that DIL has made me feel included, as they live locally I get to see DGC frequently. Her mum lives about 20 miles away but would always come up in an emergency, she and I have become good friends. My DD is expecting her first child and I worry that she's 100 miles away and I can't be as involved, especially has in inlaws will be nearer.

Not seeing your grandchild is sad for you and her Alyson maybe you could stay in touch like others have suggested send a postcard little parcels and remember the old saying what goes around comes around one day your DIL may find herself pushed out of her child's life.

Reassuring to see I am not the only one. My DS and family live 5 minutes away and the DGC are busy with all sorts of things after school. At weekends they do family things together which is great because DS has a very hectic work life. So we tend only get the phone call when a baby sitter is needed sometimes at very short notice. Have to admit that it is sometimes hard to see photos of them all on FB with DiLs Mum on outings. She is very bitterly divorced, lives up north, rings every single day and expects to know every breath they take. I try to be charitable and understand how she feels but she does have 2 other GC in her village. Actually she sees more of our 2 DGC than we do as they are up north most school holidays. DiL is also a teacher though not working at the moment and I don't think she has any idea clue how we feel. Still we make the most of the time we get together with the DGC and they love to come here ~ would just like the chance to make a few memories all of us together. "Look up from your mobile phone and tell your parents you love them, while they are still here!" Many a true word seen on the Net ?

Could you invite your little DGD for a 'sleepover' once in a while, perhaps on a Friday or Saturday night - you could have some precious time with her and her parents could have some time alone?

One of the questions on 'The Big Question' this morning was what is more important, the mother or mothering? Our ES was 22 when he met his future wife. He was in part a 'product' of the family in which he was raised, cared for, loved and nurtured.

He was a handsome young man, exceptionally kind, loving and generous and one would assume it was those qualities, and I'm sure others that attracted her to him in the first place.

Although he's refused to have anything to do with us for 3.5 years, because he lives just down the road we see him occasionally as do our friends and other family members he's cut out of his life.

He's aged, not well I'm afraid and now looks years older than his older brother. He's gained quite a lot of weight and looks sad, angry and bitter; in short he no longer looks like our son and the man she married. His conduct since our estrangement has been so cruel and vindictive, it's difficult to believe this could be the same young man.

Like the OP's d.i.l. she wanted to cut the apron strings, he told me she thought him a 'mummy's boy', she didn't want to share him especially with me, resenting the very close relationship we once shared.

So now she has him all to herself and their children and I wonder how she can be happy now married to a man who barely resembles the lovely young man she married.

I understand that a d.i.l. may find it easier to ask their own parents for help, may prefer spending time with them rather than their in laws although that was never the case with her, but why almost or totally exclude them?

There is a little girl who once saw her grand mother one day a week and now hardly sees her at all, and a son who once had a close relationship with his mother and sees very little of her but bless him for 'phoning every couple of weeks.

I simply don't understand why this type of thing goes on, and is happening in increasing numbers. It's all so terribly sad and doesn't make any sense to me at all.

No consolation to say it's your dil's loss. Just hang in there I am sure it will work out. Maybe a word with your son to say how you feel might help.
I have just received a mother's day call from my son and dil who came on the phone and thanked me for being a lovely mil. Although I live 3 hours away from them they phone regularly several times a week and last weekend I joined them at Center Parcs. Her Mother is visiting today which I don't resent as she is closer in distance than me. I know I would be included if I lived closer.

My heart goes out to you Also and fully understand why you have been so upset. I am sorry that I haven't got any helpful suggestions. I just hope and pray you get to see your Granddaughter soon,she will be missing you. It's not easy being a Mum of two sons.

Our dil has always put her parents first. We tried everything to include her into our family but to no avail. Our first GC was born 7 years ago and we had to make appointments to go and visit. I last saw her at her christening nearly 7 years ago and have never met her 2 brothers. My son has virtually cut us out of their lives although he will tell his clients(he has a hair salon) we are both well.
We have 2 daughter's who adore us and 4 grandchildren,who live with our eldest in Switzerland, who are always ringing and contacting us on Skype, so we embrace them wholeheartedly. I try to concentrate on the good things in our lives and not the negatives. One day I hope my ds and dil realise what they have lost and can explain to their children why they have never met their other grandparents, who I imagine they are unaware of.
Keep smiling. One day they will need you!!!