Daughter in law excludes me

I do agree about there being a change in the frequency of seeing GC once they start school. The children are no longer around during the day in the way they were. Maybe that is part of it. I hope you manage to organise to see them more often.

If your GD ever says that to you again PP then smile and say 'That's OK (name) I still love you very much'.

My DIL makes it very plain that her mum is superior in every way to me. They spend the lion's share of time with her and my DGD even tells me she loves the other granny more than me. DIL just looks smug when she says it.

You can't say a word really because the important thing is for my DS, DIL and DGC to have a happy family life. The danger of saying something is that you could make things worse for yourself and rock the boat for them.

I do struggle with it all but I try and concentrate on having a good life, my own friends and interests.

Keep on going and rise above it, is the advice I give myself.

Granfran and Glammabora - I think you're very wise to focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. I know that doesn't totally make up for that "empty space," though, and my heart is with you.

Smileless - Sounds like the changes in his life have taken a toll on ES, also, unfortunately... so sad...

Westie and hicaz - How lovely that you are appreciated! It's partly your own doing, of course, and partly the kind of DS and DIL you have. So kudos all around!

Westie, I hope DD's DH will be as involved a parent as she is. If so, then she may not need much other help. But if she does/they do, I hope the ILs will pitch in and that you won't find yourself resenting it (hard not to, sometimes, I know)

Smileless - I had to reply to your dil's comment about having only "child syndrome" and not being able to share.

I'm an only child and I'm not at all like that. She's just saying it to make her actions seem right.

It's not your position in a family that makes you act in certain ways but the sort of person you are.

Try and talk! Perhaps invite them over for Sunday lunch? My dil who is estranged from my son has stopped us seeing my grandson and so I would give anything to have those lines of communication still open.

alyson when children start going to school, all sorts of activities happen and grandchildren see less of their grandparents (usually less of son's parents). I don't know about you but I was always closer to my mum and dad than my in-laws (although we got on well) . My DIL always had holidays covered as she wanted to arrange things for the children to do to keep them occupied. I side with the group who says contact your DIL rather than your son. Why don't you tell your DIL that you really miss seeing your granddaughter now that she is at school and could you arrange to have her for a day or two during the school holidays. See what her reaction is. I wish you well

Alyson, so sorry you are being left out of your sons family life. Your DIL has the problem, what a very unkind thing she said to you about cutting the apron strings. However, your son rings you and obviously loves you, I wouldn't put any pressure on him, just keep it light so he wants to hear your voice. Sure you always ask him about your gd and dil, say you are so looking forward to seeing them all. Then keep your life as busy as you can and anything that happens is a bonus. I have found that is the best way, sometimes too much time on your own makes everything worse. Good luck.

its often nothing to do with the MIL,DIL would resent you who ever you are.Shes insecure and unstable,and just cannot accept any kind of competition.
It must get to a state of enough is enough,for sanity's sake.There must come a time when you think,OK,I can't do this any more,if ME isn't good enough,I can't do anything about it.I will step down,if you want me,you know where I am.Or something like that.
Remember,it's not you,it's her with the problem.

Gosh I think I must be very lucky: my mum-in-law and I are really good friends! This is more surprising than it might initially seem because hubby is a fair bit younger than I am, and MIL is only 8 years older than me! Admittedly she was very suspicious of me when we first met, but I always understood why (in her place, I would have been too!), and went out of my way to make it very clear that I was genuine and not intending to cause harm. We are lucky enough to live 5 mins' drive from hubby's folks, and I have always encouraged him to have time there every weekend without me, so that they didn't feel had taken him from them. Hopefully this shows not all DILs are horrible!

Alison 24/7. My heart goes out to you. I have been estranged from my DIL for seven months. She tried to discredit DH and me to our son by telling him malicious lies (e.g we 'bullied and intimidated' her etc - I could go on and on......). DH and I are quiet, mild mannered people in our 70's and there is no way we would ever have put the relationship with our gorgeous only GC in jeopardy by doing the things we have been accused of. Fortunately, our son does not believe our DIL but of course that has put a strain on their relationship. I am very fortunate (and indeed very very grateful) that DS brings our DGC to visit us. Because she was angry with DS for not believing her lies, DIL decided to cut herself off from us. If I'm honest, DH and I can never trust her again and feel it better for our health (and sanity!) if the estrangement continues - strange as that may seem to some people!
It seems to me that there is now a generation of young women out there who feel it's perfectly OK to sideline their inlaws on a whim, insult and lie about them. I have had a great relationship with My MIL for over 40 years. Yes, there has been the odd tense moment and the odd cross word but she is my children's grandmother and I would be mortified if I ever thought I had upset her. Nowadays, it's apparently OK to be a complete bitch and get away with it without a backward glance. Sad. Alyson, could you try little by little, to get your son to understand just how much you are hurting, how much you miss your little granddaughter and that you would love it if he could bring her to visit for an hour or two one weekend. That really isn't too much to ask. Failing that, perhaps you could write a note (not email) to your DIL saying you miss your grandaughter and ask if you can 'pop over' for a short visit at a time convenient tomthe family.
Just wonder what the hell is going on with these DIL's...

I do think you have to hang on in there. Sometimes it takes a long time for relationships with our children's partners to shake down. It is only over time that we learn to appreciate each other's qualities.

Hi Alyson
I felt so sad reading your post and my heart went out to you. One thing that crossed my mind was the possibility of you visiting on weekends. I would almost be tempted to develop a 'habit' of popping over on a Saturday or Sunday. Just give DIL a call and ask if it's OK to visit, all casual like. If it's not convenient then suggest the following weekend and keep going until she agrees. Be as nice as pie. I do believe that people get set in their ways and routines and they've just got used to you not being there. Be proactive and become part of their routine. You never know she might think you're happy with the situation. I love the idea of postcards /letters by the way. I wish you all the best. Let us know how you get on. Big hugs! Xx

I don't think there's a point contacting the other grandparents. Just say to your son 'it would be lovely to see everyone, it's been so long I'm missing you all' and arrange something.

It's not all down to the wife to arrange things. Unless he is working 24/7 365 days a year, he can make arrangements himself.
I understand he works hard and has a good job but she also has a good job as a teacher which takes lots of hard work outside school as well as school time.

Unless he is an emotionally abusive relationship and is being controlled, he is most likely just lazy and doesn't realise how you feel.

I hope you get a visit with dgd soon. Everything does seem to change once they are at school even if there haven't been any problems before. I agree you could mention to your son that you miss seeing your dgd but not much more as your dil may choose to take this the wrong way. Do wonder if the other grandparents are going to find school collection every day, plus other childcare, heavy going after a while. Friends have mentioned that newly retired Dhs sometimes resent being tied to the 3 o'clock pick up every day.

Great idea to contact the "other" grand parents. Nothing to lose and much to gain?

Our dil has always put her parents first. We tried everything to include her into our family but to no avail. Our first GC was born 7 years ago and we had to make appointments to go and visit. I last saw her at her christening nearly 7 years ago and have never met her 2 brothers. My son has virtually cut us out of their lives although he will tell his clients(he has a hair salon) we are both well.
We have 2 daughter's who adore us and 4 grandchildren,who live with our eldest in Switzerland, who are always ringing and contacting us on Skype, so we embrace them wholeheartedly. I try to concentrate on the good things in our lives and not the negatives. One day I hope my ds and dil realise what they have lost and can explain to their children why they have never met their other grandparents, who I imagine they are unaware of.
Keep smiling. One day they will need you!!!

My heart goes out to you Also and fully understand why you have been so upset. I am sorry that I haven't got any helpful suggestions. I just hope and pray you get to see your Granddaughter soon,she will be missing you. It's not easy being a Mum of two sons.

No consolation to say it's your dil's loss. Just hang in there I am sure it will work out. Maybe a word with your son to say how you feel might help.
I have just received a mother's day call from my son and dil who came on the phone and thanked me for being a lovely mil. Although I live 3 hours away from them they phone regularly several times a week and last weekend I joined them at Center Parcs. Her Mother is visiting today which I don't resent as she is closer in distance than me. I know I would be included if I lived closer.

One of the questions on 'The Big Question' this morning was what is more important, the mother or mothering? Our ES was 22 when he met his future wife. He was in part a 'product' of the family in which he was raised, cared for, loved and nurtured.

He was a handsome young man, exceptionally kind, loving and generous and one would assume it was those qualities, and I'm sure others that attracted her to him in the first place.

Although he's refused to have anything to do with us for 3.5 years, because he lives just down the road we see him occasionally as do our friends and other family members he's cut out of his life.

He's aged, not well I'm afraid and now looks years older than his older brother. He's gained quite a lot of weight and looks sad, angry and bitter; in short he no longer looks like our son and the man she married. His conduct since our estrangement has been so cruel and vindictive, it's difficult to believe this could be the same young man.

Like the OP's d.i.l. she wanted to cut the apron strings, he told me she thought him a 'mummy's boy', she didn't want to share him especially with me, resenting the very close relationship we once shared.

So now she has him all to herself and their children and I wonder how she can be happy now married to a man who barely resembles the lovely young man she married.

I understand that a d.i.l. may find it easier to ask their own parents for help, may prefer spending time with them rather than their in laws although that was never the case with her, but why almost or totally exclude them?

There is a little girl who once saw her grand mother one day a week and now hardly sees her at all, and a son who once had a close relationship with his mother and sees very little of her but bless him for 'phoning every couple of weeks.

I simply don't understand why this type of thing goes on, and is happening in increasing numbers. It's all so terribly sad and doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Could you invite your little DGD for a 'sleepover' once in a while, perhaps on a Friday or Saturday night - you could have some precious time with her and her parents could have some time alone?

Reassuring to see I am not the only one. My DS and family live 5 minutes away and the DGC are busy with all sorts of things after school. At weekends they do family things together which is great because DS has a very hectic work life. So we tend only get the phone call when a baby sitter is needed sometimes at very short notice. Have to admit that it is sometimes hard to see photos of them all on FB with DiLs Mum on outings. She is very bitterly divorced, lives up north, rings every single day and expects to know every breath they take. I try to be charitable and understand how she feels but she does have 2 other GC in her village. Actually she sees more of our 2 DGC than we do as they are up north most school holidays. DiL is also a teacher though not working at the moment and I don't think she has any idea clue how we feel. Still we make the most of the time we get together with the DGC and they love to come here ~ would just like the chance to make a few memories all of us together. "Look up from your mobile phone and tell your parents you love them, while they are still here!" Many a true word seen on the Net ?

Not seeing your grandchild is sad for you and her Alyson maybe you could stay in touch like others have suggested send a postcard little parcels and remember the old saying what goes around comes around one day your DIL may find herself pushed out of her child's life.

I'm very lucky in that DIL has made me feel included, as they live locally I get to see DGC frequently. Her mum lives about 20 miles away but would always come up in an emergency, she and I have become good friends. My DD is expecting her first child and I worry that she's 100 miles away and I can't be as involved, especially has in inlaws will be nearer.

But I'm wondering... how do you know that DIL organizes everything? Did DS/DIL tell you that or are you assuming? Cuz many young couples, today, as I understand it, have a yours/mine policy - as in, "You deal with your relatives and I'll deal with mine." So DIL may work out all plans with her side of the family and expect DS to do so with his. Only, of course, he needs to check with her to make sure she hasn't already made other plans (and, IMO, she should do the same with him). I realize you can't do/say anything about whether or not they clear plans with each other. I'm just just trying to think of all the possible reasons why she might only be including her own relatives. It might be cuz she's just totally selfish and insensitive, of course.

Also, yours/mine policies often are adopted when one or both spouses have somewhat strained relations with their ILs. Since DIL made that awful remark to you about "apron strings," it doesn't seem as if your relationship is all that good, even though it doesn't appear to be at all your fault. So might explain why she leaves all plans with you up to DS. But again, he may need to make those plans further in advance.

TBH, though, it sounds to me as if DIL is the one who needs to cut the apron strings from her parents, etc. But I realize there's nothing you can do about that either. And mentioning it would only backfire on you. Just hoping that, in time, her ties with her FOO (family of origin) will loosen a little - enough so that there is more room for you. More (((hugs)))