Was I 'over the top'

younger DD is the same (although DS lives near and phones frequently).

She said that it's not that she doesn't think of us all the time, she is just so busy and then there is the time difference.....

petalmoore I thought your posts were fine too and don't worry about using the acronyms, lots of people don't use them (I use a mix!). I love you and your opposite number making a pact - bet it happens more often than we think!

coolgran apologies for calling your DS a cheeky s*d, should have said cheeky devil .

I recall working in Europe and further afield, often having to go to a City Central Post Office to book a telephone call to the UK. In the days before our current technology there wasn't the same pressure to be in touch.

Perhaps our instant messaging/contact systems have given us a new way of life where it is easy to overstep without meaning to do so.

petalmore - Your message makes complete sense to me. Since I've been a widow I've agonised over whether or not people like me because they didn't reply quickly to my e mails etc.,

I've still got a long way to go in that respect but I'm determined to keep at it and not take things so personally.

I did begin a weekly newsletter to my eldest son but it soon became obvious that this was a one way process - I sent him the newsletter but he didn't send me one - oh well. That was one big rebuff but I got over it.

I like your phrase "communication glitches" that really sums things up.

Coolgran - I don't often get to talk to ours, all very busy, and I've felt hurt with second son at times, he just doesn't seem to think of giving us a quick call.
At one time I started handwriting a letter, copies to all, every 2 weeks or so. I thought if they won't contact me I'll have to make the contact. But gave up after a while - lazy?

I'm afraid my last post may have come over as a bit complacent: 'Look at me, I cope so much better than other people!". What I should add is that it's taken me a while to arrive at the approach I mentioned - I used to feel hurt and rejected when people didn't respond to me and would often find myself asking people if they'd got my emails, for instance. Often I'd find that the emails had gone into spam, and my friends didn't hate me after all. so I made a conscious effort to adopt this attitude to what I might think are rebuffs. since they often aren't. Oddly, wit the boys it's been easier, because I only have to pull up the memories of how I felt myself at their age. There are plenty of other communication glitches in life that can touch raw nerves, though, and we all have different triggers. Good luck Coolgran65

I don't think you were over the top I have only seen my youngest son once in four years (after a big family problem caused by daughter in law) he does telephone occasionally now but conversation always a bit tense we speak to our other son every week and we also receive texts and e_mails from him
In between so I do feel blessed to have him. Grown up children don't realise how much they hurt you.

I hardly ever initiate a call with either of my sons (35 and 32). My mother, who suffered with depression, often used to phone three or four times a day - she was lonely and not coping well, and would often want me to drop everything and go over on my own. I felt very guilty, even though friends told me I should 'standup to her'. Remembering how I'd felt, I have never wanted to arouse the same irritation and guilt in my own children, so when it comes to phoning just for a chat, I have always let them make the first move (though of course I'll phone to confirm mutual arrangements). The two of them are very different in character, and the younger one phones very rarely. While he was spending two years in Japan teaching English after uni he emailed two or three times over that time, and his future mother-in-law in Colorado Springs had to put a little pressure on him to let us know that he and his fiancée had got engaged! In fact she and I, even before we'd met, had a little pact going to let each other have news of our respective offspring! But now he calls on birthdays and Mother's and Father's Days, and now and again at other times too, and we always enjoy our conversations. Our older son often calls us or texts us, and we find ourselves having a complete conversation by text, including pictures of his dinner or his partner's cupcakes (she is a pastry chef and they have opened a little shop). Neither of then has changed since they were babies in that respect - the older one has always been more communicative and maybe a bit needier and the younger one more self sufficient.

But of course they both get in touch pronto if they need something. And we did hear straight away when our grandchildren were born.

PS I hope I haven't committed a heinous sin by not using the traditional acronyms - I don't find then very helpful and Keep forgetting to use them. I'd rather just make sure I don't name anyone. Let me know if this is unacceptable.

I don't think you bombarded him either. If your DiL said he'd be back in half an hour, then assuming she told him she's said that, if he wasn't going to ring you when he got back, he should have let you know. So I don't see what was wrong in you following it up. He was out of order with what he said to you and a cheeky s*d. Glad you sorted it out, but next time he doesn't answer his mobile (remember he'll know it was you who called), either leave him a voicemail saying you'd love a chat when he's got the time, or send a text saying the same. I wouldn't ring the landline unless it's urgent. Then the onus is on him to make the time to call you. Cheeky s*d.

No, you didn't bombard him ! He's lucky to have a caring mama .
I feel rejected sometimes by mine - I texted my 2 daughters yesterday and didn't get a reply from either . Re-texted them today and got short replies - different story when they need me !
I'll probably see them all on Sunday and hear their news then !
Being a Mum's a funny old job !

It's not just sons who don't communicate and daughters who do. We have 2DDs. The younger one has lived and worked all over and has now settled about 2-3 hours away. She has always "played her cards close to her chest" like my in laws so it must be genetic! She rarely rings just for a chat but sometimes rings while she's driving home which I'm not keen on so try to keep it brief-it's usually to make/confirm arrangements or something. She has kept in touch more since she married and produced our DGD. OUr elder DD has stayed locally and, as we are actively involved in child care, see a lot of her. She, too, is extremely busy being self employed but she makes the effort to keep in touch.
I have a friend with 2 DSs; one telephones her every morning and even goes away with her for a weekend every year despite being happily married with young children. I find that well over the top! She was an only one herself and the world does revolve around her but she doesn't see that at all-she is my dear friend, we just have to accept each other as we are don't we? We always say we have to stay friends in any event as we know too much about each other?

I don't think you were over the top at all coolgran. It's just the way they make us feel. I'm the same with DS, he sometimes goes weeks without contact and just as I start worrying he usually facetimes us but I rarely contact him first, as he's always "sooo busy" which equates to ..can't be arsed. I rarely phone my DD but text often, as she never answers the phone! However I do see her most days, as i do the child care but wonder how often she would keep in touch if it weren't for that.

Some remarks just ring so true! - Son answers phone with "What's up?" when I ring, as though only expecting to hear if something is up! DIL's family are forever on the phone/face time, so I feel reluctant to seem to be asking to be noticed or included by calling too frequently. I still feel hurt, even though I don't say anything.
Mostly their contact with me is initiated by them when they need something from me to help them out. S has always said let me know if you need anything doing, but DIL grumbles how she has loads of jobs for him that he doesn't get round to, so I am hardly likely to add to his list. I just pay tradesmen for things that are now beyond me!
Remember an actress saying, once you are widowed you are no longer first in someone's life - I am not widowed, but with a frail husband depending on me, his needs come first. A little spontaneous phone conversation would be so lovely...

Yes it is a man thing ! I find if DS phones me he will chat away but not as much if I call him. Different with DD she will chat whenever!

That's so sad 12lampton34. I hope your daughters don't think that after losing their dad they are now losing their mum! I do agree that you've got to make you own life though. They would hate it if you were helpless and alone and they had to run after you all the time. You can't win really can you!?.

It's difficult but I'd just leave it until he gets in touch I can go weeks before I hear from my eldest daughter yet my youngest and I speak or text most days some adult children just don't see the need to communicate as much and a few think they invented the phrase busy life.

From everyones responses I think I am very lucky as I speak to both my daughters on most days. Part of that is because I am always available to help with childcare and school pickup but I am lucky that both of them while being dearly loved daughters are also my friends.

I've four grown up children. The youngest and I speak about twice a week. The rest of them possibly once every 3 months. I don't know why i don't ring, I guess it's because the're too busy or have their own lives now.

I speak to daughter #1 on a Sunday morning but on her calling when she's given the kids breakfast and daughter #2 a couple of times a week but again usually on her calling. If I call she is generally in the middle of something and calls me back. Although we do text between the 3 of us during the week if anything crops up that needs a quick response also DD #2 and I are on FB. I mentioned once that the grown up children of a friend speak to her every day, and was
told it was about time they got a life!

I think that due to the fact that I was divorced when my son was eight and my daughter five , meant for a long time there was just the three of us. So we've always been in touch. Also we love chatting on the phone. My son works from home, so on his way to collect his girls he'll call for a natter. Something will happen, we see something interesting, read something etc, we just have to tell each other. I'm now seventy one and on my own, so my children also phone to check up on me. I was horrified when a friend told me she goes for weeks not talking to her son.

I had similar problems with DD, we resolved it by me getting an iPad, we happily iMessage every day and talk whenever she has a spare hour. By doing this we have revitalised our relationship.

DS2 rings me from his car - hands free. I was a bit apprehensive about this when he was on a long commute by road, but now it tends to be when he is driving locally and often with his DSs in the car, joining in the conversation. Other son keeps in touch and I ring him - if he's busy or swimming he will ring me back and have a chat.

My daughter regularly rings me but my son is a different matter. However, I know he and daughter in law are busy and both have jobs that involve unsocial hours. I send him a text to ask when we can FaceTime. He gets back to me eventually and we have a great time on FaceTime. Seems to work well.

I think it's a man thing. All my friends with daughters speak to them lots, and my step daughter does long phone calls, but less frequently when things are going well. I rarely ring them, as I'm afraid of being a nuisance. I tend to email instead, but techno-etiquette seems to mean that they don't reply unless there's a specific answer needed, and even then, not always. I sometimes text my youngest with a tongue in cheek 'Remember me? I'm your mother'. It does hurt, but I try not to let it. I just occasionally wonder if I give up too easily though, and if it will be my fault if the family drifts apart.

I only speak to my son about once a month. It all started when he went to Uni up North and I didn't want to invade his space, so left the calling to him. That was fifteen years ago and it works for us. If I need to speak to him that isn't a problem either