Was I 'over the top'

Liberal parenting dictates that parents do everything they can for their children but that the offspring take the goodies and run. Affection for parents is scorned - though not the money.

I do not think that this state of affairs benefits anyone. The parents are left exhausted, broke and bereft and the children turn into ungrateful, entitled narcissists without the support and guidance that came with the money in the traditional family.

Therefore, I have brought up my children differently and thereby reap the benefits.

The first thing to say is that males and females are different and have differing ideas of what make for an acceptable level of contact in a relationship. DDs are more mature and in need of contact than DSs, who often do not know how much support they need (as opposed to want.)

My DS, in his late 20's, still lives at home and, apart from a little daily contact, is happy to be very 'hands off'. However, if the DH and I go away for even half a week he misses us and it unsettles him. The DD has moved out for her job but has now bought a house 20 minutes away.

My DD is in daily contact and phones, often, three times a day.

The DH and I make it very clear to our children that we care for them and want to stay close even though we will not pester them when they need space. We help them all we can with cash and practical aid. We are always there with time and advice when they need us. They are, in turn, affectionate and caring and have turned out to be adults who are empathetic and with a sense of others' needs. They have avoided (so far) the pitfalls of liberal parenting that I have seen plague others: addiction, debt, giving up jobs when they become tedious or hard, permanent worldwide holidaying, shallow relationships, reliance on harmful friends and so on.

Coolgran65 is right to keep the channels of communication with her son open and should keep at it even if she meets a bit of resistance from him. (Just tell him it's because he is loved) He probably needs her as much as she needs him.

But can anyone explain how DS can instantly reply to texts/Facebook etc when it's his mates but rarely manages to'see' stuff from his family. Or is there a special place in the ether that all those 'replies' go to?

This sort of situation was why I joined Gransnet! Your post coolgran65 makes me realise it's not just me! My problem was with my daughter who I felt just shut me out. Long story but we are now ok. So I would grab his olive branch with both hands and phone! Why throw it away?

My son phones 2-3 times a week (more if both our footie teams are playing) rarely texts, but Skypes fairly often. Daughter phones once a week but texts more often and never Skypes. Different lives but I love them and know they love me just the same.

My son phones me on his way home from work once or twice a week and we generally email every day. He is a busy teacher with a young family so I tend to email rather than phone unless it's urgent.

I speak to my mother twice a day - just short calls- but also see her a couple of times a week. I'm still waiting for a date to be set for my son to take me out for a Mother's Day dinner!

DD never answers the phone, neither mobile nor land, so I have stopped calling unless circumstances demand it. Even then I have to leave a message on the answerphone, but this will often bring a response. If she wants something, she phones me.

I do drop her an email periodically and sometimes (but not always!) get a response! I mostly email to try and set up when I will see her and DGS again (I try and make sure I see them at least once a month).

if they lived nearer, I wouldn't call - I'd just pop round!

I havent seen my youngest daughter for nearly two years my other 2 saw just before Christmas talk to my elder daughter twice a week youngest maybe once a fortnight sometimes go 4 weeks before talking to my son I have got to the stage I only phone 2 of them when they phone me they used to phone every week and come and see us very often and we would visit them think its todo with me remarrying 4 years after their father died but they have their lives and I have mine so dont shed tears now to old to worry im living a very good life so whats the point

I don't think you were over the top, it's what you'd do if you were trying to contact a friend isn't it? Why do we tip toe around our adult children? I'm sure you only caught him at a busy or stressful moment - he probably didn't like being reminded he hadn't got back to you - but don't let it make you wary of getting in touch with your son. Ignore his comment and take no notice.

Contacting my adult children has become an art from. If I contact them too much, I'm needy, if I maintain a distance "I'm cold" dil's description.

You can't really win nowadays.

I remember talking to my mil on the phone for so long that I burnt the jam I was making, I knew she was lonely and didn't want to cut her off.

I used to spend hours on the phone to my widowed mum. I knew she needed to chat.

I've learnt how and when to contact my sons now, and I know they would come in an emergency.

I would be very hurt if one of my `boys` did this and I don`t think you are over the top at all . He has thought about what a rotter he was and is feeling guilty hence the message . I would not ring again for a LONG time and let him ring you . Keep your chin up ! xxx

jings my feeling is that he has realised that too and this may be his way of peace making. What a minefield relationships can be!

Coolgran that's a rotten way to treat you. I wouldn't stand for it. You were not over the top.

That is good Coolgran - enjoy!

I've just had an email from ds to say he is free later if I fancy giving a call.......

I only have sons and I tend to do a lot of the keeping in touch The youngest( of 5!) will ring for a chat but for the others 90% of the time it is me who initiates contact unless of course they want something!!

Wendysue I think your responses are always common sense.

We do keep contact by email.
It was about 2 months since I'd last phoned, albeit we did a Facetime a month ago.

Ds said it's not that I'm always ringing, me ringing is not a problem. It's just that when I do I'm inclined to bang on until I get a reply...... guilty as charged. I have been told that if there's no reply I should leave it (except for emergency), he will know I've phoned....

One thing's for sure..... There'll be a blue moon in hell before I ever ever ever ring more than once..... and that won't be in the near future.

All's good, glad of all your opinions.

Hmmmm.... pic is meant to be funny, and not cheeky

This is me:
Hope this pic works.

Good idea to avoid phoning for a while, Coolgran! I tend to assume that if I call someone and they don't get back to me right away or if I'm told they'll get back to me at such & such a time and they don't, that all things being equal, they're probably just busy/tired and will get back to me when they can. If I thought there was a problem between us, then I might wonder, but otherwise no.

The fact that DIL said DS would be back in "a half hour" didn't mean, of course, that he would be there on the dot or that he would call as soon afterward as you think he should have.

Also, if I just want to "chat" with someone and I don't get a response to a phone call, I sometimes try email or FB. That might be an idea for you in the future.

But, for now, I would back off totally. I know things ended well, but if you try to contact him further, any time soon, it will look as if you're pushing it.

Yes!.

My DM had the habit of ringing me just as I was getting in from work (landline) and desperately in need of a cuppa stiff gin.

I find the landline intrusive, especially as there's better (imho) ways to communicate (not saying you're intruding, btw).

Just to clarify, ds said his bit, and then we were ok. He doesn't need to 'come round' as such. But yes, I've stayed cool.....
And won't be phoning

Coolgran probably best to back off. All the things we do for our DC are a given really and they probably won't remember them until writing our eulogy - even if then!
I don't think I would be ringing him again in a hurry and would probably just ring DIL for a chat. Cultivate a good relationship with her and you will hear all the news you want to know. He will come round eventually so just stay "cool"!

I agree with tiggypiro, rarely does DS reply to texts etc but he does FaceTime regularly so I can't complain. I know he would get back to me if it was urgent.

Thank you everyone. It's good to get an outside perspective.

I think I'm happy to hear that it was me that was over the top, though at the time it didn't seem so to me. I must have been in Mum supermodel !!

It's also great to hear from other parents in this regard.....helps me realise that were actually just normal.

There are days when I wish I didn't have to think about my family. I nearly said didn't have a family. I wish I could be really selfish.