Was I 'over the top'

Not sure what you are getting at?

Any relationship is alright until something better comes along.

First of all, yes, they do have very short memories, especially on the extremely rare occasions we want a bit of help. However, having said that, my daughter and I chat daily which is nice. Tend to text son three or four times a week and he always responds. Lucky me I think.

My heart goes out to you booboo, having been estranged from our youngest son for almost 4 years and allowed no contact with our only GC I know how painful it is, especially when you used to be so close.

I'm so pleased your son's been in touch Coolgran and that you've had a lovely conversation with him and your GC. For what it's worth, I don't think you were over the top either. Our other son lives in Aus., rarely looks at his emails or FB and we have an arrangement to Skype every Sunday unless he or we are unable too.

We always let him know if we're not going to be available and have asked him to do the same. 'If something crops up before next week son, just let us know; email, text or FB' does he? No Do we worry when we here nothing from him? Yes, especially as he's so far away? Is he annoyed to get left a message from his worrying slightly over anxious mum? No, and to be honest I think he rather likes it. I always apologize for doing so and he always responds by saying he'd be upset if I wasn't worried, then he apologizes and says it wont happen again, but it always does.

Thanks Starstella

You are right but I will keep the door open. She is my only child (another thing she blames me for) and we used to be close. I have no choice but to back off because everything is seen as 'controlling'. I sometimes think even saying 'ok darling, I will back off but am here whenever you need me'. is probably a kind of controlling thing.

You should Booboo.It is time we all stopped being door mats.My eldest son who lives in Australia came home for Christmas 3 years ago.He brought my first granddaughter to meet us.I wasn't even allowed to feed her.I have brought up 4 sons so I have some experience.My granddaughter and I clicked immediately it was wonderful.3 weeks later they went back and it broke my heart.He didn't contact me for 6 weeks and I nearly killed myself with worry.I did try to phone but there was no answer.I eventually emailed him and asked if everything was all right.He said yes and would I like to Skype.Just like nothing had happened.I just have to accept that I am no longer that important in his life.He hasn't phoned for over 3 weeks.Not unusual.I will phone him this weekend and hope he has time to chat.

Shoreham55

I too have been told that I am demanding or controlling when I ring. I miss my only daughter terribly because since she had her own children she has simply pushed me further and further away. Her anger goes back to my divorce from her father and just seems to fester and despite a variety of strategies I have failed to make an improvement. She says she prefers her in laws because they are 'normal' and I am not. I don't see much of them and rarely call. Now she says that I am neglectful for not calling.
Can't win but keep the doors open. This is more common than we think.
kids grow up and grow apart from us. I will always be here and I do tell her that from time to time. Should I stop even that?

Desperately hurtful when kids don't contact you. 30yr old son is typical male...rings when he wants sth or I initiate email... .30+ yr old daughter still....after 20yrs...furious at me for divorcing her very abusive father to the point of after years of no calls at all ringing peremptorily for a few mins (3 = long call) ! if I'm lucky around bdays only. lasting legacy of bullying from their dad means little respect for me even if i jump through all their hoops in order to get granted an hour or so to see my young grandkids generally around their bdays or around xmas. Hurts like mad. Am trying to be ever more casual re their lack of contact ... if i send more than 2 or 3 very short texts per week that's seen as 'demanding' . so i have to be tougher skinned, desist and feel i must only speak when spoken to.
Having kind partner now helps.

In the 1940s my aunt went to the USA following her boyfriend. They were married in the USA and had a great life. Contact was a regular blue airmail letter. My dgm 3 times made her way to Southampton and sailed on the Queen Mary to New York. My aunt had a visit home about every 10 years bringing her 3 children when they were younger.

Once a family member emigrated the blue crinkly envelope was waited upon eagerly and with hope that they did not cease.

Glad it's all worked out well. Makes such a difference when you get to interact on face time, what must have been like years ago with just the odd letter I dread to think.

What a difference a week makes. I am the op and your responses have been supportive in many ways.
Since that post I've had a lovely positive phone call from ds. And also an hour's face time with him, ddil and dgs.

No apology as such for any brusqueness..... but some good quality time at his instigation.

Getting on a bit. I recognise these texts. Mine go
DS. Drink?
Me. When?
DS. Now?
Me. Ok. (I might sneak a X. )

As my Mum said when he was a boy. "Man of few words"

I think contact with adult children often depends on if they need something, money or babysitting. Maybe I am too cynical!
If I were to ask for anything the sky would cave in.
SPF

I have 4 DC - 3DSs and 1DD - all in their 40s, (I had four under five) and 2 DGDs aged 4 and 5 - yes, late starters! And there will be no more.
These DC are arrows from my bow, are spread far and wide across Europe and have busy exciting lives - unlike my own!
They are financially independent as a matter of necessity, which I consider not a bad thing.
I am a so-called 'Baby Boomer' but certainly lacking the 'boom' and consequently all my DC have had to make their own way - under their own steam - no hand-outs from us at all.
I appreciate they now have their own lives to lead and, in a sense, my work is done.
I generally leave contact up to them as I am totally unaware of whatever may be going on at the time, or wherever they may be. I would hate to intrude. They call me when it is convenient for them - which is ok by me as DH and I very much enjoy our time alone together. We text occasionally and email and I have to say that DD and DiL are way ahead of the boys in the communications department. My dearest adorable SiL is German and his DM is quite mortified if she doesn't have contact with either of her DSs on an almost daily basis.
My DC are arrows from my bow - and are free to live their lives as they choose without the need for constant contact. I feel the contact with them is inherent.

Pensionpat very true!

I don't understand why people still insist on "chatting" at all, really. What's wrong with email or text? Or even those apps that show people's online activity (perish the thought).

But that's just me.

My conversation would probably go like this:

Me: " you ok?"
DD: "yes".
Me: " ok, see you soon".

Job done[.

Even when there are no problems, we shall never be as important to our children as they are to us.

I don't think you were over the top, Coolgran. It is not as if you were constantly ringing, you are not to know when they are busy. You seem to have resolved it all quite amicably. Sorry Stella that your son and his family have distanced themselves from you. Hope you still send cards etc. whilst spending their inheritance, sometimes these things happen and it is so important not to mope and feel sorry for yourself, but live life to the full, we all only have today, plus you have a nice partner to do it with. I feel that since becoming a widow I sometimes need the reassurance of my children's voices, but have had to realise that it isn't what they want.

Personally find the idea if someone has rung you that you have to speak to them immediately quite annoying. This is why I hate mobile phones. Leave a message. If it's an emergency, will contact straight away. If not, maybe I'm busy. Regardless of my relationship with you.
This is a lesson I have learnt from trying to contact teenage children, then university offspring. I got very cross. Now I'm in their camp. Space, please!

Stella14, move beyond indifference and live life to the full, it's a better form of revenge!

I live 10 minutes from DD and see her most days when I'm looking after GS2. If we don't meet we text and that often turns into long phone calls.. DS lives 20 minutes drive away. Don't often go to see him as parking is a problem. Can go for days without hearing anything but when we do start texting we get into long existential conversations - the sort he used to start at midnight when he lived with us. If we actually speak on the phone it tends to be very short.

Coolgran

Several posters have mentioned estrangement from adult children. Turns out it really isn't so strange (pun intended). I haven't had any contact with my son and his family (wife and three GC) for 8 years this summer. I divorced his father and, shock horror, began a new relationship. I was crushed for a couple of years. Mother's day, Christmas etc, I was so depressed I invariably took to my bed Eventually, anger at the injustice replaced distress. I'm working on indifference!

Wilmaknickers I've already told him so..... and told him I wouldn't like to be working for him.

It is very difficult when there is a time difference Coolgran
They are either rushing off to work when we might be relaxing and thinking of a phone call, or it is early in the morning for us and they are busy cooking a meal having just got in from work.