DD's wobbles....advice welcome

I know all about the worry attached to a DD in trouble. I've posted about DD3 problems before. Basically her husband left her when she was 6 months pregnant with a toddler and no source of income. He changed his phone number and refused to speak to her, even walking past her in the street without acknowledging her just before the baby was born. Long story short, after him coming and going several times, the relationship has ended. But her distress was terrible. And I became too involved, ending up an emotional wreck myself which helped nobody.

What I have learnt from all this is to keep your counsel and be there when your DD needs to talk. But do try to keep a slight emotional distance. Other posters are right. Only they can sort the situation out. But it is so hard to see adult children suffering and be powerless to make it all better for them.

Wendysue you're right, maybe I'm attaching too much blame to attachment parenting and we don't know anything about their relationship beyond what they are like around us. I do feel uneasy that they get little couple-time, day or night, but as you say, all I can do is to be available and there for her when she needs it. We've had ups and downs too, some of them biggies, but weathered them - thus far anyway! Most people have them, so I need to remember that and give them space to work things through themselves.

Seems to be DH who is worrying more than I am at the moment, unusually. He keeps asking me if I've heard any more from her, so part of my role is trying to reassure him that they have to weather their own storms and that both have the ability to do so.

Again, grateful thanks to all and mutual hugs to anyone experiencing any similar worries!

My heart goes out to all of you here who are in this type of situation. One of my own DDs has a mild disability - usually not a problem, but when there's a serious flare up, of course, I worry. But as you ladies have said, expressing my worry doesn't help and can actually hurt/upset her all the more.

I've learned to behave like that "wise woman" (thanks for that quote!), but it can be hard, sometimes, I know. And Rowantree, with your DD, you seem to have multiple concerns. (((Hugs)))

Don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, however. Please just continue to be there for her when she needs it, as you are doing, and no doubt, she and her partner will do what's best for them and their child.

BTW, please don't blame their problems on AP (attachment parenting). It's increasingly common, today, I understand, and I'm sure they know other couples who practice it. Her partner may believe in it, himself. It could be hurting their relationship, I suppose, but that might not be it, at all. Again, they have to figure it out.

How sad to read of all these problems. I'm sure these sons and daughter appreciate you all being there for them.

Rowantree I won't offer you any advice as you seem to know what to do (or rather what not to do or say!) except try not to worry. I know, that's easier said than done.

So sorry to hear of your worries Rowantree. It seems we take on all the worry for our families. The only thing I can offer is the fact that I was headstrong when my children were young and left my husband because I was unhappy and thought I deserved better. What I found was that you just exchange one set of problems for another six and no man, however well meaning, will feel the same about your children as their father does. If I could see my time again I would have kept the family together under any circumstances (except abuse) as it affected the children in so many ways even though they seem to have grown up happy and well adjusted. I kept stressing this when my younger daughter's marriage was in trouble- there's nothing better on the other side and maybe worse. If we can make them understand this they may think twice and work things through. Best of luck - you seem to be doing a great job just being there.

Hi Ladies,
Thank you so,much for all the supportive comments. My daughter has gone out tonight to meet friends, so lovely to see her smile again. I do know not to keep asking if she is ok, but it is so hard when you spend so much of each day worrying about her and the children. My 7 year old grandson said to my daughter last night, " I have a feeling something really bad is about to happen" !!!! Who says children can't pick up the vibes. My daughter doesn't want to tell them until SIL has a place of his own, hope it doesn't leak and they find out by another route. But they have to do this their own way, we can only be there and, of course worry.
Thank you ??

Hi Rowantree

My DD1 is exactly the same as yours - attachment parenting is all the rage now. I also don't believe it helps the parents' relationship but we really can't interfere.

DD1 breastfed DGS1 till he was almost 3 (to my horror although I disguised it) and if he sleeps badly (which he does) he comes into their bed.

Meanwhile DGS2 arrived in January and naturally sleeps in his parents room next to DD1. Up till now SiL slept in spare room Mon - Fri so as to be able to function at work each day (!) Luckily DGS2 seems to a far more settled baby and good sleeper already so hopefully SiL will be able to return to marital bed sooner rather than later. But of course DD1 will continue to breastfeed long after he really needs it IMO.

I think you will have to wait to see if your DD talks about things and all you can do is listen. They have to do things their own way even when we can 'see' their mistakes or what we consider are mistakes. Good luck

DotMH1901 your story is truly dreadful. What a man! Someone who can't or won't grow up, it seems, but leaving a trail of trauma and despair in his wake, for your DD and DGCn. It's so hard to know how to help when what you want is a wand, but there is none. jennybumble this must be very worrying for your DD. Keep posting, and I agree it really helps to share what's happening in a safe place with supportive and non-judgmental listeners.

luluaugust you're right, I will wait till she comes to stay in a week or so and try to take my cues from her.

This is happening just when I thought that our little family were 'getting there' - stable, happy, building their families. I thought maybe that all the crises and dramas were done with for a while; we've certainly had our fill of them over the years. But we will weather it as we have everything else, eventually, as will the Gransnetters who are sharing on this thread..... we can't influence what happens, just be around to scrape the jam off the road

I expect you will know from DD2's attitude when she arrives a little of what is on her mind. Hopefully over the days she is with you an opportunity will arise where you are sitting together and she decides to chat things over. Like everybody else I think you will have to just listen, I know how hard that is

Dotmh1901, so sorry to,hear about your daughter, you do think you are on your own through all the trauma, but it really helps to know you are not alone, even if you feel sorry for any other mum or grandparent going through this hell.
My daughter is very concerned that this new woman with their weird ideas will try to influence the grandsons, the problem is my daughter can't really stop my SIL taking them to meet her, let's hope he doesn't as they are young, 7 and 5 and at a really impressionable age.
Still one day at a time, we are out in France with their at the moment but have to go home this Friday, that will be hard to leave here here, but I think she needs some space, and we have the phone.
Thank you gransnetters, it so,helps to write it down knowing it can't come back to bite.

(Ah, seems that the names are in bold after all! )

jennibumble your SIL sounds rather unhinged! How awful for your poor DD. It's really difficult to know how to support them, especially if they don't confide that often. My DD2 told me one of the techniques she was taught in her therapy for families and friends, when offering support. As I've said before I have a tendency to 'advise' and try and put things right and that hasn't been welcome in the past. We discussed it at length and the preferred technique is to ask something like, 'What do you need now?' or 'How can I best help?' rather than to direct. This helps the other person to begin to think through and define their own needs and situation. I can see how it could help, so Iit might be worth holding that in your toolbox, jennibumble and PPP .
annsixty I'm hoping she will sort things out herself - or rather that they both will. I will have to be patient and try to stop catastrophising!
Grannyknot Love that chant and will remember it!

So much helpful advice and support from everyone - thank you all.

(puzzled why Gransnetters' names haven't appeared in bold in the preview - don't know what I did wrong there!)

Dot what an awful ordeal for your daughter. I feel for all of you - it's so hard to watch your children hurting but as others have said the best thing you can do is just be there for them - listen if they want to talk, give help if its necessary on a practical level such as offering childcare etc. and don't judge their decisions whatever they are. Rowan if your daughter is facing such major surgery she must be really scared and this could be affecting her mental state too which I'm sure you're all too well aware of. Whilst my sons are both happily married there have been blips and many years ago my youngest son was with a girl 11 years older than himself with a very difficult child and his seriously bad father who was into drugs and gangs. They were together for 3 years and she adored him but we could see the strain the problems with the boy were causing our son. They came up for Christmas and on Boxing day he ended it - which was extremely difficult for us as they were still here. I sat up all night talking to the girl who was naturally distraught and the next day my husband had to take her back to London where they lived while my son stayed here a bit longer. I tried extremely hard not to take sides - we really liked her and felt bad that she had to go through the breakup but at the same time our priority had to be for our son. Thankfully in time he moved on and is now happily married with children of his own. My own MIL was very fond of giving advice even when unasked for which was very annoying to my husband so I know it's important just to bite your tongue (or come on here and give vent to your real feelings!). I hope a few days away from home will help your daughter get her head back into gear.

and more to all of you with children with these problems. May they all find peace in their lives again. I am counting my blessings!

Jennybumble - my situation is similar to yours, my ex son in law left an office job to go back into teacher training which he felt he was always destined for (he did part of the course when he left University when he was with his previous fiancee but couldn't deal with the pressure and left). My daughter supported him whilst he finished his training (she was working full time and he would not look after the 3 kiddies due to the 'commitments' of his course). He got a placement in a school to do his final year, worked 3 months then came off sick with stress. Again she was the sole earner and he still couldn't look after the 3 kiddies as it made his stress worse. He eventually went back to work but at a different school where his cousin was Deputy Head and he had a light workload. However, a few months later he decided he wanted a separation and moved out of the house. My daughter was in a dreadful state when he left them. He told her he couldn't give her any money as he had to pay rent where he was living so, again, she was the sole earner. Within weeks of moving out he was seeing a TA from the school he was working in (my daughter later found out he had been seeing her before he moved out) and he introduced her within a fortnight to my grandkiddies, the youngest GD came home from a weekend with her Dad talking about 'my new Mum says' which upset my daughter totally. When this girlfriend wanted a serious relationship he came back to my daughter crying about how awful things were and she took him back. Later she found out he was still seeing the other women and that she had no idea he had gone back to the marital home either. My daughter told me they had decided to try again and from the August to the following January he was back in the marital home. Christmas and New Year was very difficult, he seemed very odd at times (getting text messages constantly and phone calls where he went outside to speak) and I was worried that he was planning to go again. I was proved right (although I never said anything to my daughter about it) in the February when he turned round at teatime and told her he was moving out again. He had clearly planned this move some time in advance as he had rented a house and advised other friends and family he was going. My daughter was the last person to know. Again, within weeks, he was in a relationship with another TA from the school he was teaching at. In the September he moved in with her and her 3 children and when my GC stayed over New Year with them my daughter was speaking to them on the phone and overheard him say 'Go on, tell her then' Youngest GD then said 'We are getting a new brother or sister at Easter, Mummy'. This upset my daughter terribly, especially when he came on the phone after them and his first words were 'I will be cutting the money I send you because of the new baby and GF other children I have to look after now' My daughter has now gone through what was the CSA and they have actually increased the money he was giving her (she only asked for money for the kiddies, not for herself). I find it very hard to see her so upset, he seems to have no concern about how his actions have hurt her.

Thank you for your comments, the other complication is they live in France, and they really don't want to get caught up in the court system here. I liked the comment about " a wise woman once said... nothing" I shall remember that. Rowan do hope your DD is just going through a blip, unfortunately my SIL seems caught in this cult, for want of a better word, and don't think there is anyway back.
Thank you Gransnet for the space to have a rant.

How sad. I really feel for you.

I have a daughter with chronic health problems but who copes brilliantly and has a super husband. But whenever she is stressed or ill, I go into super worrying mode and it helps no one. What I try to tell myself is that if I was dead, they would have to cope on their own!! Sometimes it works!

We were there a couple of years ago and were really pleased to be so. The Idiot was a despicable, manipulative man and was having an affair (which we only found out later!) DD wanted to go back so it was really difficult for us to keep quiet about our feelings when all we wanted to say was 'Good riddance'. It took over a year for his influence to be eroded and she is really happy with a lovely man. Unfortunately, the Idiot still sees the children but only when it suits him - currently 6 weeks and counting, since his last access.

for all those with this happening in their lives. Use GN for support - it/we are great and help enormously.

Been there, done that. All I can say is try not to say anything unless or until asked. It's so easy to say something in haste and once said, it can't be unsaid. It sometimes helps to let off steam to your friends who don't know the couple concerned. That way you can Have a rant and be quite certain that your remarks won't come back to haunt you. I hope it all works out well for you all.

I am also in a similar situation, although the added problem is my SIL is totally immersed into spirituality, and believes he is special, he also is having an affair with the Reiki healer, so has left the family home. Our D is distraught but can't have him back home as he said he had finished with the Reiki healer, then my D found iMessages from him to her and hers to him, definitely hadn't finished. My D kicked him out, rightly so. Like Rowan I am trying to be supportive and not keep asking if she is OK but it is so hard. Your heart bleeds for the whole situation.
Has anyone else been in this position, any help would be brilliant, thank you .

Good advice above.

And be kind to yourself

I would advise going to relate either with or without her partner. It is often easier to talk to a stranger and takes the pressure off all concerned. I worked for them for a long time and know there are excellent people with a wealth of experience who work there.

rowan when you feel the urge to send your DD a text or email, chant to yourself "A wise woman once said ... nothing".

People have to work things out as a couple.

I have been there Rowantree and just want to offer support and a listening ear when you need it. It is so difficult to see our children unhappy but all we can do is be there for them. My D never discussed anything with me so I never gave or was asked for avice. She dealt with it in her own way, your D may well do the same.

I can give no advice that hasn't been given it sounds like you understand the situation which is very complex. I am sure you will do what is needed,being ; there without interfeering Rowenfree. Take care