Son has left wife and two small children- devastated

Our son announced recently that he was seperating from his wife of 7yrs they have Ds5 Dd4.His wife says she doesn't love him and wants out,to be honest apart from the heartache with the children it comes as a relief.The family have been so upset witnessing the way she speaks humiliates and controls the whole relationship.We were concerned she would cause him a breakdown and she has certainly upset many family gatherings with her moody,argumentative and controlling ways.We have never passed comment but it broke our hearts to witness the divide she caused.He is a brilliant Dad yes a little thoughtless at times but she controls his whole waking hours.On occasions he does have free time he has to bargain for some time with friends.She works part time and with both children in nursery has plenty of free time which she uses to socialise.His main concern is for ds/dd but we feel she will manipulate his emotions and has hidden depths regarding financial affairs which of course she controls.We will offer support with the children as I feel she will struggle.I wish we could help with cost of solicitor or legal advice but we are approaching 74yr.Any advice would be welcome.

Whitehair123 and others who have suffered similar traumas. My DS left his wife and daughters when the youngest was only 6 weeks old. Looking back I should have realised that all was not well throughout the pregnancy. I won't go into detail but DIL, her family and myself were all devastated! Of course I supported him but he would not share with me what the problems were. DIL and I also cried together but she made sure he had total access to his daughters which I thought was amazing of her, especially as she had just given birth and moved out of their home!

He eventually came back to live with me for a while but it transpired that he had met someone online. When I tried to speak to him I almost lost him as he maintained I was on DIL's side and did not know the whole story. This was true but I had to back off and since then have made no comment.

It was one of the hardest times of my life but 9 years on he is with his online lady, who actually is lovely and adores his girls. He has a reasonable relationship with his ex, shares custody of the children and is a great dad. I also maintain contact with DIL and am a hands on gran to their daughters. I have to push that dreadful time out of my mind as it hurts so much and concentrate on the wonderful caring son (and his partner) that I have now. I still don't understand any of it.

A few years on - how are things now?

Very sad for the children.

Whitehair - if I were your DIL, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to share the rest of my life with a man whose commitment is so shallow! It's easier to think about "his head being turned" but the reality is he opted out of the family life he'd so recently created and has lied systematically to the woman who trusted him. I know you have thought of all this. It's reassuring to hear you're supporting your DIL and the children.

There's a lot of water still to run under that bridge, clearly, and some rather tricky situations for you to negotiate. You sound like a warm-hearted grown up. I'm sure you will manage them adequately.

What I wanted to add to your replies is that a man can be a good parent while living separately! Indeed, many are far better at it when all they have to do is be a Disney dad every other weekend and the odd school pickup. Galling as it is for the parent (usually mother) who has to pick up the pieces then hold them all together, she can also gain the benefits of a more peaceful & predictable home life with young children.

Zelie, this all sounds very uncomfortable. I just want to punch your son on the nose () so I'd better not offer advice!

Wishing both of you the best, and a following wind.

Zellie, I'm glad you got to spend time with DS and GD! And thanks for letting us know!

I think it was very wise that you didn't discuss DS' marriage and just stuck to enjoying and talking about little GD. But obviously, something came up about DIL cuz DS explained that she was still not ready to see your family (or did he tell you this before the visit?) and asserted that he has to focus on her, is "grateful," and so forth. I hope this doesn't keep coming up in future visits and that you can accept it all as an ongoing situation till DS volunteers otherwise. IF you ask each time if DIL is coming or question why he doesn't try to arrange for them to see you as a family, and so forth (hopefully, you're not doing this, but IF...), then he's going to feel pressured and caught in the middle, etc. Not a good thing for him and it might just lead to his backing away.

I'm glad your complying with not contacting DIL. Disrespecting this request could only backfire on you. I must admit, I don't understand why that's so hard. As long as you're maintaining a relationship with DS and GD, even if not exactly as you'd like, why does it matter whether or not you get to speak with DIL?

IMO, Nina's post is great! The only thing I disagree with is that FIL needs to stop seeing DIL as "his baby girl," if that's what he's doing. She's an adult and needs to act and be respected as one.

Speldman, I'm so sorry about your DS' family's situation. But it's good that he's still a daily part of the GDs' lives. That doesn't always happen, as I'm sure you know.

I realize you would like to see him and the mom work things out and get back together, if only for the girls' sake. And so, DS' meeting a new woman worries you cuz it makes reuniting less likely. But as I know you know, the adults who are actually in the situation are going to have to figure this out for themselves, hopefully with the best interests of the kids in mind. Please remember, too, that living in a home with 2 parents who are unhappy with each other is not necessarily in their best interest.

Maybe the new relationship (if that's what it is) is just a "rebound" and maybe it's not. You can't see into his heart or his head, so no way you can know. If it's a rebound, it will be over soon enough. If not, well... deep breath... she may be your next DIL. So please don't say anything to him that he might repeat back to her/that might alienate her (chances are, you're wise enough to know this, yourself, of course).

Sigh... I agree it's good that you "can't get involved with what goes on..." I'm not even sure you could do that to the extent that you might think. Chances are, your only involvement would be to help out with the GDs, if needed. But being that close to the situation might just aggravate you all the more. And if you tried to give any advice to the adults, sorry to say, it would probably be met with resistance and might even cause you more upset. Even under the present circumstances, I suggest you just be supportive of DS and your GDs and that's all. Hard to bite your (general you) tongue, sometimes, I know. But, IMO, that's what you need to do (and probably have already). Best to you and yours!

Sorry - I seem to have missed out on the developments.. perhaps my post could be deleted?

I think he is a fool who has had his head turned by a confident older, richer woman.

He will live to regret this, gambling his family away for what seems like greener grass, but we all know that old adage !
When he realises what he has done, his wife may not have him back.

What a mess.

Just be there for them both, and try not to take sides. It's all you can do.

I would want to go and thump the older woman but that's me - I'm passionate. She sounds cold. What a horrible thing to do to his wife.

Zelie, I would say that your DIL is feeling very unsure of her future and very fragile. She's had a massive shock and her emotions and trust must be raw. It's lovely that you saw your grandaughter, that's good. But I would suggest you don't place your son in a position where he's walking on eggshells trying to please everyone. He will be already in a very tenuous situation of having to make amends. It's early days, people are still shocked and hurting including your DIL's father who is looking out for his 'baby girl'. I would let your son and DIL rebuild their relationship first so that it can move to more solid ground, if that's possible, then hopefully there will be an opportunity for you to see more of your grandchild.

Just to let you know that my DS arranged for me to meet up with him and my GD for an hour two weeks ago, in a hotel near to where they live. I didn't discuss his relationship with his wife, and kept to playing with my GD and discussing her growth and progress. My DL didn't come, as she is still saying she doesn't want to meet his family, my DS says he must focus on his wife and daughter - and that he is eternally grateful that she has agreed to have him back. He asked that I don't contact his wife still - I am complying but it's not easy. He seems not to know what would change the situation. I can only hope it will change at some point so that tiny can be all again part of our family as he hasn't had any contact with any of our family - and they aren't coming to his step sisters wedding in August. One bright light was seeing my dear little GD - I dare hope that I may see her again if my son arranges a similar meeting,but he wouldn't reassure me when we did meet that it could be soon.

Was just thinking of writing about my DS's situation when I found this thread. I suppose separations while children are young must be common.
My son and his family live in New Zealand which has been heartbreaking as it is as I have two granddaughters there 5 and 1- the latter I have never seen.
My son has recently left the family but the breakup was not his fault. His wife confessed 2 days before their daughter was born that she'd had an affair. There were implications that the child may not have been his. It was a nightmare! Being so far away I could give my son little support. However he did the honourable thing and stuck with the family during and after the birth. He asked for DNA tests on both his daughters and thankfully they are both his. He tried very hard to stay but he felt he could no longer trust his wife or love her so after about 9 months he decided he had to leave. I know it was a very difficult decision for him to make and he still sees the girls every day and looks after them whenever he can.
From here though it just feels so final and sad and I am heartbroken to think that my beautiful GDs have had their parents split when they are so young. I think my generation and the one before would've stuck it out for the children's sake but that just doesn't seem to happen these days- personal happiness is everything it seems.
My DS has since met another woman a New Zealander which further complicates the long term issue- I want him to be happy but I can't help feeling it's a rebound thing to boost his self esteem.
Selfishly I'm almost glad I can't get involved with what goes on as it's so upsetting.

Zelle, I'm so sorry things are this way. Especially after you tried to show DIL your support when DS left her. Possibly she didn't believe you or was too hurt by DS to care. Maybe she thought you were just interested in access to GD, even though I know you felt for DIL. And while I'm happy for them and GD that they got back together, I'm sorry that it seems you're bearing the consequences of what DS did. So unfair!

I'm a little confused though. You say you were building a good relationship with DIL while DS wasn't there, but you also tell us she hasn't spoken to you on the phone since before he left. Perhaps you have a different perception of how things were going than she does?

Also, I have to say, she seems a little immature, going through her father and so on. Or maybe he's a bit overbearing. Or both. He may just be trying to help his DD, but IMO, having him in the middle is making things more difficult.

As for DS, I can see why he would be reluctant to argue for any rights he may have. He's living in his FIL's property and he's probably guilty about leaving DIL - with a baby yet! Please don't expect too much from him right now.

Still, it doesn't make any sense to me that DIL would take DS back but push away the rest of your family. Were there any issues between any members of your family and DIL before DS left her? If there were, that may be why she's distancing herself from all of you now.

Then again, DS told you they "need time and space to sort things out." So maybe they are keeping away from all family, except FIL for obvious reasons? How do you know for sure that the rest of her relatives have "frequent access" to GD? Maybe they don't have any more access than you and DH do. Could that be?

Anyhow, if DS "left (you) on the doorstep" - so very sorry - but, IMO, that says it all for now. You'll have to back off, as hard as that may be. All I can suggest is patience. In time, I'm sure you'll be able to resume a relationship with DS and family, but not if you push. (((Hugs)))

Very hard to comply I'm sure but you have to respect her wishes at least for the foreseeable future, it appears non of this is your DL's doing the blame for her withdrawal from your family is all down to your sons behaviour. She is giving their marriage a chance and if this is what she needs to do then you have to keep a low profile and hope as things improve she will relent. If you think about it how much contact would you of been getting had your son made a go of his 'new relationship'? Your contact with her would probably of petered out even more.

I hope things resolve before too long and you can resume a relationship with them all.

That's so tough. I guess she may have made the assumption that, as his Mum, you had given your son support when he left her. It really is going to take time for this sad situation to shake down and reach some sort of sensible conclusion. It is almost impossible in this situation to say the right thing without offending one or the other.

This is an update from my first post when my son suddenly left his wife and 5 month old baby. Three weeks after he had left, he decided he had made a terrible mistake. The woman he left to be with, he decided was not the person he wanted to be with. After discussions with his wife, he moved back into their home. On what basis he moved back, I have no idea since he has spoken only briefly to me since then, and just says they need space and time to sort things out.
I can understand that, and have backed off big time. My son says that my DL is not willing to interact with any of his family, and while I have had a couple of polite texts to thank me for a couple of gifts I sent for my granddaughter - that's it. In my last text to her I did explain how my few visits to her to see my grand daughter during my chemo treatment had kept me going, and that now my treatment is over, it would be good to put in a time when I can visit her and the baby again. She didn't reply and hasn't texted since.
I've not been allowed to see my grand daughter for 8 weeks now - and since they grow up so quickly - it hurts me that my DL parents, family and friends have frequent access to my grand daughter, while I am not. My son is not willing to do anything to upset my DL - and even my suggestion that he bring his daughter to a nearby hotel for half an hour so that, if she needed her mum, he could take her home easily, was met with rejection.
I was building a good relationship with my DL - who I've known now for only 18 months - and that relationship was independent of my son. I had hoped that we would be able to continue that relationship again - given that she is still dealing with the hurt of my son leaving, then coming back. This was not of my doing - but I am having the consequences of his actions.
I haven't spoken to my DL on the phone since before my son left her - and am wary of doing so, since my son has more or less told me not contact her at all.
Initially I sent messages to her of my total support - but her father then stepped in and told my son's dad and myself, that she had asked us only to make contact through him. I respected that until my son returned to their home. The complication here is that their home is owned by her father, and my son has said that he can't invite me into the house, as it's not his house now - he left me on the doorstep when I called at the house wanting to check that he was ok (when my DL was out).
I just don't know what to do - I want to see my grand daughter - I don't want to alienate my DL - and I can't seem to get my son to recognise that he has rights over his daughter, and that his family are missing out on seeing his daughter grow up. Maybe the worst thing is that I don't know how long this situation will last - my son says he hopes things will change in the future - but can't say when.....
Is there anyone who can give me some advice and a way forward? Any suggestions would be very gratefully received.

Having read more posts, I realize that this can be a more complex situation than one would think. I understand about DIL wishing that her ILs would try to show her DH the error of his ways. But IMO, it's immature of her to really have expected that and to still be upset that they didn't. IMO, it's not parents' job to teach an adult DS or DD how to behave. It suggests to me that DIL is refusing to place the full blame where it belongs - on DH or maybe on issues in their marriage.

That doesn't help her MIL, of course. Rock and hard place. But I think I would err on the side of being supportive to all, rather than taking a side. Unfortunately, I suppose, there are no guarantees.

I also understand the concern mentioned about other siblings. But I would be careful about trash-talking a DS or DD to anyone else. Again too much risk - this time of it's getting back to DS/DD and damaging their relationship with the complaining parent. The DS who "lost all respect" for his mother cuz she wouldn't say anything "negative" about his wayward sister should, IMO, appreciate that his mother won't speak badly of her children - that benefits him, as well.

But maybe the mother needed to spell that out for him. Sometimes, I know, it doesn't occur to the "good kid" that people could find reasons to criticize them, as well, so they don't see how their tolerant parent's attitude benefits them. But (sigh) I know this, too, can be tricky for parents. Perhaps the best thing there would have been for the mother to let Mr. High and Mighty know she was concerned about DD's choices (if she were), w/o trash-talking her. I don't know. Really, IMO, our relationships with each DD or DS is none of the others' business, if we have more than one.

Tricky stuff though, I know.

And I really feel for those of you who have a DS or DD who has been hurt this way. (((Hugs))) I've been through this with one of my own DDs. Maybe it's just me, but I don't recall ever expecting the guy's parents to "correct" him or, somehow, resolve the problem. I don't recall ever even thinking about it. We weren't dealing with "little kids."

Zellie, I basically would say the same to you. Except that I think you have a little more to worry about since, right now, at least, DIL seems to be turning for all help to her own family (understandable). When the dust settles, if you want a relationship with your GC, you may have to rely on DS.

It must have been quite a shock to hear the upsetting news from DS' FIL.In my view, he was totally out of line - he should have left it to DS to tell you in his own way and his own time. But I know he was hurting for his DD (your DIL), so he may not have been thinking straight. Or maybe, in desperation for DIL, he thought, you, somehow, could "scold" DS back into his life with DIL and the kids (sigh).

I'm not clear on whether or not you spoke to DS about the situation after that. And, if you did, of course, I don't know what you said to him. I just hope it wasn't too much and that isn't why he's reluctant to discuss it with you now. If it is, please be more careful, from now on, no matter what DIL's dad may say to you. If that's not the reason, IMO, you're still better off just being supportive and letting them figure it all out themselves. Hope you get to see the GC soon and enjoy the visit when you do!

Whitehair and Zellie, my heart goes out to both of you! It just goes to show how divorce often impacts other family members besides the husband and wife.

Whitehair, I'm with those who say to tread carefully. There's too much chance of your DS denying you time with the GC when he has them. Sure, since you have a good relationship with DIL, fortunately, you will likely get to see them through her. But what if she and DS reconcile and he is still mad at you for things you said or how you acted?

If you have real reason to believe that a word from you will send him back to DIL and the kids, then perhaps it's worth the risk. But does anyone really think that a grown man is going to change a major life choice cuz of his mother's advice? I certainly don't. If you need to tell him how you feel for the sake of your own conscience, then yes, IMO, you should go ahead - but gently, and as another poster said - just once. Also, I think if you do that, it's better to keep the focus on you and your disappointment in the breakup of his family and worry about the kids - not on the fact that you believe he has done wrong, etc.

Mostly, I agree that the best idea is to be supportive to both. Listen to their grievances and make sympathetic noises, w/o putting anybody down. And, of course, be as loving to those grands as ever.

(((Hugs)))

A friends DH had an affair about 28 years ago. They did reconcile and had a child together .She has never really forgiven her in laws for not telling their son exactly what they thought of his behaviour .She fidnt e orct them to tane sides,just to try and get him to see what he was doing
I would not be able stop myself telling a child of mine how dissapointed and indeed angry I was they could relinquish their responsibilities to their children so lightly.I would be disgusted with the behaviour if not the perpetrator I'm afraid But I would say it only once .And try and make clear that he was still my child and I loved him but I could not condone it and would be continuing to offer his wife and children my loving support

Hi Whitehair123,

It is great on your part that you have tried to patch up the matter between two. Worst affected in this part is children. You must contact CSA authority, no matter either they stay with mother or father. For getting child maintenance you have to follow below mentioned steps:-
- Full details of child.
- Full details about father and mother.
- National Insurance number.
- Bank account details.
If you have any doubt in the above stated formalities you can contact here www.qwiknumbers.com/csa-contact-number.

Thank you all for your continuing messages, they are all good to get, thnree weeks on and I am still really struggling to come to terms with it all. They have been together about 15 years and married for 6.

Just have to plod on and support them all. Although I don't approve of what he has done, accept only the two of them know what exactly how their relationship was. He knows how I feel and why.

Time for another coffee I think, nothing takes the pain away so alcohol isn't an option! Just have to keep going .

White hair, fully sympathise with the position you are in. Sure your son knows how you feel about his cowardly actions, sometimes really good people do a bad thing, he may end up back with his wife, who knows. I would support your dil and grandchild and retain the good relationship you have, without giving opinions or taking sides, he is your son after all. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage. This other woman sounds a charmer, how do these women live with their consciences, if they have one, wonder where the gardener is now!
Zellie, I do hope you are managing to consentrate on getting better, this was the last thing you needed whilst battling your illness. I would write a letter to your dil saying how much you miss her and your grandchild, hope very much to see them soon, whilst not giving an opinion on what your son has done. For now just look after yourself, get all the support you can from those that care for you, your health must come first, things have a way of getting sorted. You let them know you care, then care for yourself. Sending you all my best wishes for a full recovery.???

Agree that your DIL and very young grandchildren need your support now. Sorry, OP but I don't agree that you should support your son. He has made his decision and must deal with the consequences. You may love him but you clearly feel he has done wrong and I think you should tell that to him.

Having experienced the distress of my own DD the victim of a similar situation, I may be biased though. It makes me angry that a young man can just walk away from his wife and babies because he doesn't like the reality of responsibility.

My heartfelt sympathy for you in this difficult situation.

I would support my child's decision even if I thought he or she was making a mistake. I would advise them to think very carefully before burning all their bridges.

Something to consider is that no one know what goes on behind closed doors and the public persona of someone isn't necessarily the one our children have to live with?

I would give extra attention to the grandchildren and emotional support to my in law but other than that I would not interfere.

Difficult I know but it's something they have to work out on their own.

It happened the other way round to us. DiL met a 15 year younger man on Facebook, even though she had 3 young children, and told DS she wanted to separate. We do think that DS had some sort of idea that all was not right as although he obviously was upset, he wasn't devastated. The good news is that a year later he met a wonderful girl who he is now married to, and maintains equal access to the children.
ExDiL's family totally supported DS and are still very friendly with him. In fact exDiL's mother has told him that she still thinks of him as her SiL, although exDiL has married her new fellow and had a baby with him.
Why did they break up? Always difficult to know, but partly because exDiL wanted to control the marriage as her mother does and DS was brought up to believe that marriage is a partnership, as his new marriage is.
Our attitude all through this was to be supportive to DS, but NEVER to take sides or criticise to either, or anyone else (because it will inevitably get back) - only to each other in the privacy of our own home. Whatever we think of exDiL, she is the mother of our DGC and can make access very difficult, which at the moment it is not.
My advice Whitehair is to show your DiL your support, let your DS know how you feel about his behaviour, but don't burn bridges that will be very difficult to reconstruct later. You have no idea how things will turn out in 5 years time.