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To use the vernacular, OMG, a lightbulb moment!

(8 Posts)
phoenix Thu 31-Mar-16 19:45:19

Talking about the Rob/Helen storyline in the Archers with Mr P, I had a bit of a wake up moment.

OK, my ex husband wasn't as nasty as Rob, but I realised (during the course of the conversation) that some of the tactics that Rob uses, my ex had also used, namely:

Convincing me that I didn't need my own car, he could drop me off at work etc

Attempting to control what I wore, many years ago when ds1 (now 37) was little, mil was round to babysit, I came down ready to go out, exdh said "so is that what you're wearing?" Mil said "what on earth do you mean, she looks fine!"

Financial control, I had a good job, my salary went into the joint account, yet I was given £2.50 a day, staff lunch was £2, in those days the Daily Telegraph was 45p, it's £1.40 nowshock If I was going out with girlfriend, I was given £10.

Telling me that what I did didn't count as "work" as I was just in an office all day, even though he was very glad of my money going into the joint bank account!

I consider myself quite a strong person, and it was actually quite alarming to have this discussion with Mr P and realise just how "controlled" I was.

Luckygirl Thu 31-Mar-16 20:10:57

You are out of it - thank goodness! This sort of abuse creeps up on people and they do not realise that it is happening. Sickening.

mollie Thu 31-Mar-16 21:09:03

What makes a person like that? Was his father like that, Pheonix? I bet you're so glad to be free...

phoenix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:04:32

It was a very odd feeling, during the conversation with Mr P. We were discussing the programme and it was only when I was saying some of the things that exdh did, and Mr P sort of raised his eyebrows and smiled, that it finally dawned on me!

I have always described exdh as a control freak, but had never really thought of it as abuse, although as mentioned in the Archers, it is only quite recently that the law and definition has changed.

I spent a year on my own between leaving ex and meeting Mr P, and it would be hard to find two more different chaps! Although having said that, I quite fancy letting my hair grow, but himself makes the occasional remark about hairdresser appointments!

Mollie bit of an awkward question re his father. I only met him a couple of times. He was Czech, and got out during the war, ended up diagnosed with severe mental health problems and was in a special unit. sad

kittylester Fri 01-Apr-16 07:42:50

Well done on escaping Phoenix! It's insidious isn't it. The Idiot was like it too and it was such a relief when dd spotted it. The Idiot certainly inherited his bullying tendencies from his father.

ninathenana Fri 01-Apr-16 08:26:51

D's estranged H is the same. they've been apart nearly 2 yrs but in many ways he's still trying to control her in several ways. Fortunately she sees him for what he is and actually"plays" him grin

ninathenana Fri 01-Apr-16 08:29:41

Woops slight Freudian slip on the word "control" there smile

Imperfect27 Fri 01-Apr-16 09:01:46

My DH had a very unhappy first marriage and was the 'injured' party when it finally broke.
Four years ago he took a public role that required training, including recognising domestic abuse. he too had that lightbulb moment and it opened so many conversations between us. He was very put down, very criticised, worked all the hours god sent, but she had the purse strings and spent it all, including emptying their joint bank account of 1,000s just before the marriage ended.

But it was the erosive criticism that was most damaging. When we first met he kept apologising unnecessarily for - in my words - 'simply breathing'.

It is important tat people recognise that this is not just a male to female problem. When men suffer abuse, I think they also suffer a sense of shame because they think they should be 'strong' and manage the relationship more.

I am glad to say that after 6 great years together, my DH has stopped apologising. It took a long time.