pressures of society on daughter

What is hardest, I think, is when mothers express plaintive thoughts to unmarried daughters about never having any grandchildren - when the daughter in question WOULD like to find the right man and have children - only it just hasn't happened.

This happened to a close friend of a dd - her mother would be on about it now and then and she found it very upsetting - as if she deliberately wasn't finding the right man just to be awkward. The girl in question had a very good career and wasn't expecting any man to support her. But she did certainly hope to marry and have children eventually, and I was so happy for her when it did finally happen and her baby arrived safely.
I used to wonder how the mother could have been so insensitive as to upset her daughter like this.
A dd of mine with a very busy career was somewhat late in finding the right man and starting a family, but I knew she wanted to eventually and never said a word - what would have been the point? 'Right men' do not grow on trees and you can't order them online...

...but you'd better not cos you'd only get deleted.

SO tempted to say "Mind your own business."

Yes you do have to be careful what and how you say things don't you? I put my foot in it big time with DD2 a while ago. She married in early 30s, has chronic ill health (but you wouldn't know unless told-she's v brave and matter of fact and just gets on with it). We thought she could never have children as the drugs she has to take would be v toxic. Well, blow me, she must have been off these drugs for a while and one day, on FaceTime introduced us to their baby. I gasped with delight and said, so you must be at least 12 weeks? Her DH (in background, a consultant doc) said well we wanted to make sure it didn't have two heads before we said anything! Lol!
So we had a delightful DGD; to get to the point of my post I said one day about having another baby-pity for her to be an only one! Well, it was like a bomb went off! So I didn't think one baby is a proper family etc etc.
Took a big apology and flowers and a forgive me card to restore peace. They've now moved house and and SO tempted to say "new house, new baby" !

Sounds like your DD's a little conflicted, Nelly, but sorting things out. IMO, your response to her last weekend was perfect!

well good morning everyone! I've just found all of your messages after a weekend away and wanted to thank you all for them. Lots to think about here.

i don't think i explained myself very well though as, by settling down, I did not necessarily mean my daughter should be married with 2.4 children (as someone suggested!). I just meant that I wanted her to find happiness/purpose, in whatever form it takes. As her mum, I know she's not entirely happy, or is at least looking for something more. if having a family isn't for her, that's fine. i just want her to feel fulfilled and, having spoken to her again at the weekend (she approached me!) it seems she's just not sure how to do that at the moment. apparently seeing her friends marry and have children has her worried that she's being left behind.

BUT she also said it's not really what she wants at the moment, so she'll watch it all unfold and just do whatever makes her happy. She seems to have figured a few things out for herself over the weekend (we were all away together) and Im glad she feels a bit more peaceful now. Of course I told her we'd always support her, whatever direction life takes her in. Thank you everyone.

My daughter is single and doesn't have children but hasn't met the right man. She also has a career and is ambitious to progress. She is a godmother to friends' daughter and spends a lot of time with their family and has plenty other friends but I know she would love to have her own children. She has even suggested fostering or adopting in future if she stays single. I, like everyone on here, just want her to be happy. As a divorcee I know the truth of 'better to be happily single than unhappily married'. When I split from my husband a single friend wrote to me that her only regret about remaining single was not having had children. I just hope DD will find fulfillment in whatever life brings her way.

As for interference from parents I try very hard not to offer advice unless it is asked for. I had a MIL who started dropping hints as soon as I married her son, that she wanted to be a grandma. When I got a promotion at work she never offered congratulations, simply asked "And how long do you intend to carry on working"! I only really felt accepted by her when I produced the wanted grandchildren.
Things will take their own course and we must sit back and let them but always be there for our children when they want us to be.

This made me feel sad and angry all over again. My own mother was always trying to encourage me to find a suitable, (rich), intelligent, presentable husband. Despite the fact that I was a successful professional, or maybe because of it, i didn't meet 'the one' until I was nearly 40. I would have liked to meet my perfect man sooner but it caused me a great deal of distress to make the best of my almost ideal situation as a happy single girl whilst having to deal with my mother's obvious and repeated hints that I was such a disappointment to her along the lines of " I know you're super intelligent, have your own house and loads of friends etc, but it's such a shame!"
Our relationship has been scarred. She is now a fantastic grandmother so I forgive her a lot but I feel like the means to her granddaughter and I'm not sure she really sees the value of me as her daughter. That's probably not her view - I think she thought she was just giving helpful guidance.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to think how lucky you are to have your daughter as she is - and let her know.

Lovely post AshleyM

My daughter was in a relationship for 17 years and when my son died (her brother) the relationship fell apart she wanted to help and support us through the early stages of grief and we wanted to support her. Her partner was jealous ,can you believe that! She independent with a lovely home had no children but lots of friends and is a special guardian along with her Dad and I for our grand daughter. Her brothers daughter, she did not have any children because she never felt she wanted any and nor did her ex. Do think he had a lot to do with her not wanting to have children. She has a lovely boyfriend who has his own home is divorced and sees his children she has her home and they are happy with their relationship and see one another have holidays but most importantly are able to enjoy time on there own or with their friends. In this day and age relationships between people is different and I think it's a good thing.

Agree with you Ashley M

nelly
What do you really mean by 'settled' ....having a husband 2.4 children, house and car......Well life is not like that any more. Why do you think woman have to have a husband to be settled? Do you really know if your other two children are happy....truly happy, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Both my son's got a good job then along came a girl they liked, this was not until well into their 30's. My mother was so nasty asking if they were gay as they had not 'settled' I was very happy to let them move at their own pace and style, and had many arguments with my mother about this

After two husbands I have never 'settled'...and that moves on to another question....why do people think you have to have a husband/wife and that you are odd if you don't

My Nana & Mum didn't have any expectations to do anything apart from get married/have a family.
My Nana never had a job, Mum did a secretarial course and worked for a couple of years before getting married at just 22. So young by today's standards where the average age of a bride is 30!
Things have changed so much. It's a given that people will go from education into work man or woman.

I think older generations need to understand that the idea of being 'settled' now is much more personal - that individual's idea of how they feel settled. That could be having a good job, their own home & financial independence, a good social circle.

No-one HAS to get married or have children, men or women. That has always been a truth, except society didn't promote that. It's only been 90 years in the UK since women got the vote! It's such a shame that it has been acceptable for men to remain bachelors if they don't wish to marry & focus on their work, yet it's still seen as a stigma or wrong if a woman makes the same choice. We may be in the 21st century, though people's attitudes haven't moved with the times.

There are many reasons some people don't marry/have children:
*they simply don't want to,
*they haven't met anyone they like enough (women know they don't have to say 'yes' to someone just because they were asked the question). As women are better educated they do become pickier in their choice of partner - THIS IS A GOOD THING, as they will make better choices based on whether they are compatible with that person, they are supported and respected.

It's better to stay single and have a life you enjoy surrounded by people that care and respect you than being with someone for the sake of it to please other people and be unhappy yourself.

nelly if your daughter doesn't know what she wants yet that's ok & she needs to know and feel that. The main thing is to let her know you love her no matter what SHE chooses for her life, that she isn't any less for not getting married/having children if that is her decision. It would help if her friends gave her that support too. It's ok to make different choices to other people as long as you are happy.
When she listens to her own instincts of what she wants, it will help her decide instead of having so many people's voices in her head giving their thoughts.

My daughter is 36 and single. I have always understood that information is on a need to know basis and had very sharp responses if/when I've tried to delve. Most of her friends are now married and producing offspring. I'm not sure she's happy but nor do I think a boyfriend/partner is the answer. I think most of her stress springs from her work. I would very much like her to be happy and content in herself - with or without a partner - don't we all?

I think it's very hard if you know a son or daughter would dearly like to find the right person to settle down with, but can't find that person. My elder dd was quite late in finding the right person and having her first much-wanted baby, but I would not have dreamt of bringing the subject up.
I know a friend of dd's used to get terribly upset when her mother kept complaining that she was never going to have any grandchildren, etc. - the poor girl could only say it wasn't her her choice, she wasn't still single just to annoy her mother - I really don't know why the mother kept on about it when she must have known it was painful for her daughter, who incidentally did finally find the right person and recently had a baby.

Your daughter is 'normal' for today - I can understand you wanting her to be settled. It will come!
can you imagine what it was like for me in the late '70s, not being married nor a mother by 29? Managed it by 30 though... I was horribly on the shelf - and my job was terrible, no money, in a ghastly bed-sit.
Recently 38 year old son has broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years. Broke my heart, love to see him settled, but wouldn't say anything for fear of my life!!!

The idea that meeting someone, marrying (or not), and having children is 'settling down' should be abandoned anyway. Couples now split up regularly and there is no guarantee that a relationship will last. Perhaps you should just tell her that no matter what she chooses to do, career, relationship, even single parenthood you will always support her and if she needs your help she only has to ask. Then leave her to it.

Lilyflower, I hope your daughter doesn't feel she has to push herself on in her career, even if it makes her ill. That's a completely separate point from whether she wants to have babies.
I'd not want to see a man making himself ill because of work, either.

And men almost never consider being the one to give up work to look after children.

My DS, however, has done this as his partner can earn much more than him and also did not want to be a full-time mother.
He is a great father and it is all working out well.

(I loathe the expression "settle down". To me it equates to " in a rut".)

I can tell that my 24 year old daughter is torn. We gave her a first class education: prep school, grammar and top university and she has worked hard and achieved very highly. She earns as much now as when I retired as a teacher after 34 years and she has a promotion plan which aims at the top. However, she met her soul mate at university and they are very happy. I know she'd like nothing better than to marry, settle down and have babies.

It is the classic dilemma: job versus family. She is lucky to have this choice but I worry about her. Her job is making her ill and she'll be worse the higher up the ladder she goes. I had to work, no choice, I'd have starved if I hadn't. I feel as if I have worked my knuckles to the bone for my children and I hate to see her suffer.

How is this relevant to the original post? Well, I think it's because, despite all the changes to society and the improvements in the lot of women, nothing's much really altered because women have the babies and society doesn't value this commercially.

So she IS settled down. Just not with the values that you wish to place on her life.

My daughter is in her mid 30s, single with one cat. She has a very rewarding job and spends her time travelling all over the world, when not working. She has lots of friends, male and female, and is very happy. She definitely doesn't want children, though she loves her nieces and nephew and enjoys taking them out and spending time with them (when she has time). I am just happy that she is happy.

I agree . Iam in a similar position and after looking after a family, I enjoy eating when and what I like and have no desire to ' look' after someone again., despite pressure to try again!

I agree . I have similar circumstances But I enjoy eating what I like and when Ilike and not having to defer to an other person.

My DD also lives in London, is 41 with a good job and has been able to buy her own house. She has a good social life has travelled the world and has lovely friends. However I feel deep down she would have liked to be like a lot of her friends, ten years into marriage and family life. She has had a couple of long term relationships which didn't work out and I can't help hoping she will meet someone else but I would never say this to her. She is a lovely daughter, I would just like to think she had someone when I am no longer here. It's only natural you want them to be happy.