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Where is he?

(34 Posts)
grannyactivist Mon 02-May-16 11:42:51

I have no idea where my husband is. He may be on the allotment or perhaps have gone for a bike ride, but I really don't know - nor do I know when he'll be back. If I were concerned I'd call him, but this is our usual state of affairs. During the week he often works away and when he phones me my first question is often, 'Where are you?'

For us this is normal and we both get on without needing to keep track of the other; on a Sunday night we may give each other a rough outline of what we'll be doing for the next week, but we live very independent lives. Dinner times (when we're both at home) are for catching up and chatting over the day.

We're happily married and have what I would describe as a very deep friendship, but I have only just realised that to other people our marriage is unusual because of our independent lifestyles. My mother in law mentioned yesterday that she used to find it odd when I couldn't say where my husband was, but having stayed with us last summer she understands now that it just isn't important to know.

So now I'm wondering, do you always know where your partner/spouse is? Do you still feel a measure of independence? Do you do everything together?

kittylester Mon 02-May-16 11:59:31

I do know where my husband is most of the time because I make his appointments! I would worry if he didn't reappear when he said he was intending to and we phone each other if we don't meet up at lunchtime (as is the norm) but we don't make it a rule to meet up!

We have made a conscious decision not to do things together when DH retires in November apart from holidays and odd days out. I love my DH to pieces (as I know you do yours GA) but I couldn't stand being with him all the time.

We have had people volunteer in the library as a couple and it is very difficult to cope with that when rota-ing and we spend ages trying to prise them apart. They usually cope when we do manage it! grin

annsixty Mon 02-May-16 12:00:52

My H and I are really joined at the hip. If I am out of his sight for more than 10 nins he will haved forgotten where I am and will come looking for me. His memory span is no longer than that. It is very wearing and frustrating but it is life now. I feel I am being monitored 24 hours a day..
When life was normal I would have thought your situation very odd indeed.

kittylester Mon 02-May-16 12:04:09

Ann, I thought about you and others in your situation when I was writing my post. sad

Luckygirl Mon 02-May-16 12:16:22

I know exactly where OH is at any time of the day - he is right here! - he cannot go anywhere else without my help! His driving licence has been taken away because of his PD, and he cannot go for much of a walk - I always go with him to give him confidence.

But he is generous in his willingness to see me go out and about as I wish and have some other life than his. He does like to know where I am going and expresses his anxiety by telling me over and over again to take care.

Prior to this situation, we did mostly know where the other partner was - at least I think I did!

ann I know that this is so hard for you - I fear that eventually that is where we are headed. There are voluntary and other organisations for carer support that can come and sit in with him. But I do understand that even that is hard as he will want to know where you are. Hang on in there. xx flowers

janeainsworth Mon 02-May-16 12:28:48

We do things separately, but always know what the other is doing.
It's not a question of trust, it's just practicality - that if one of us didn't come home when we said we would, the other would have some idea of where to start looking.

Perhaps a hangover from my Lake District youth hostelling days when you were always supposed to tell the warden which mountain you were going up, so that if you didn't turn up in the evening, they could point the Mountain Rescue in the right direction.

Not a big deal.

NanaandGrampy Mon 02-May-16 12:31:10

We know exactly where each other is all the time I think.

It hasn't always been like that but as Dh retired last year and me 2 years before , we downsized to one car and so it generally means we are either at home together, going somewhere together or one or the other of us has the car for a purpose.

I have ARGH moments as we have been married 40 years and in all that time I worked away from home for extended periods and Dh worked shifts so we had lots of time apart.

Mostly though, we're best friends, like the same stuff and enjoy each others company so its not too bad.

grannyactivist Mon 02-May-16 15:03:54

ann and Lucky - that's so tough and I'm sure it can be very wearing. flowers

I just phoned my husband - and woke him up! I still don't know where he's been, but apparently he came in half an hour ago when I was in my room doing some filing and he walked past my door without announcing himself - and took himself off for forty winks.

Sometimes I do get a bit frustrated when I can't get hold of him, he goes out and forgets to take his phone/ has his phone on silent/no battery on his phone. On Saturday he left the house at 3.35am to do a sponsored walk (raising money for an Admiral's Nurse after doing the Tearfund extreme mean-bean challenge all week - he's bonkers) - and I knew he wouldn't be home until dinner time. From 11am I called him three times at hourly intervals before he finally called me to apologise and say he'd had his phone on silent! I sort of knew he'd be okay, but even I like a bit of reassurance now and again. (Especially as he was walking the S.W. Coastal footpath, which does occasionally collapse into the sea below.)

Grannyknot Mon 02-May-16 15:06:06

We're like two circles in a Venn diagram, each doing our own thing with an overlapping shared area in the middle.

I more or less know where he is e.g. Friday went like this: he told me he was off to the golf range to hit a few balls. Came back hours later with a bag of clothes from the pro shop, and lots of plants (passed a garden centre on the way home).

Later that day he went on his own to A&E (sent by his GP) - because he was experiencing an irregular heart beat. They admitted him for observation (he had a heart attack 8 years ago). I took his stuff for the overnight stay and visited and let family members know etcetera and was cleaning the house this morning when he strolled in - he had been discharged and caught a bus home (the hospital is 10 mins away) so he could surprise me grin

I'm sure above would be strange for many people but like you ga we are best friends and happily married. He's fine BTW, happy to be home smile

jusnoneed Mon 02-May-16 15:10:33

We have had different groups of friends for years, rarely going out together - even when ending up in the same place lol.
He's never gone to the cinema etc with me. My only problem now is that all the friends I happily got around with have moved away (lucky them) so I rarely get out socially.
Now he's retired he goes off with his mates, fishing/markets/car boots/boys days out etc. Some days I get back from work and have no idea where he is. The only time we are out together is when we go shopping once a week (I don't drive), sometimes I would love to be able to wander on my own... last week I wanted to get some shoes and every time I turned around he was hovering behind me aaagghhh. I gave up in the end.
My Dad always looks a bit straight when he turns up and I say I don't know where OH is. My parents usually went out together, hence he was lost when Mum died.

Liz46 Mon 02-May-16 15:18:02

We are both retired and get on well but we like to get away from each other sometimes. I go out with friends and also volunteer in a charity shop. He goes bowling and then, when we meet up again, we have something to talk about.

grannyactivist Mon 02-May-16 15:26:44

Grannyknot - I like the Venn diagram illustration, that pretty much describes how we are. We do have a lot of friends in common and we do occasionally go out together to the cinema or for a meal with family and friends. Like Liz46 we always have lots to discuss and sometimes information can slip through the net if we don't see much of one another for a while, but overall it works well for us. The bit about your husband returning on the bus from hospital made me laugh out loud because I can imagine my husband doing exactly that.

Anya Mon 02-May-16 15:30:10

My DH is in the very early stages of vascular dementia. You wouldn't know if you met him that there's anything wrong. But now and again it shows inasmuch as he forgets where I've said I've gone so I get phone calls which always start 'Where are you?' and I invariably answer 'at the shops (or wherever) I DID tell you this'

Your post frightened me Ann as I know the day will come when I'm in your position.

morethan2 Mon 02-May-16 15:32:07

I ring my husband once a day when he's at work. He can finish any time between 5-10 The conversation goes ' what time you coming home for dinner?' him 'what ever time that'd be'. Me ' OK drive carefully' on his days off we do things together but not all the time. Today he's off to a motorbike meet up with his likeminded mates. So I do know what he is doing. For the first twenty years of our marriage he would simply get up and go off with out a bye or leave. It drove me mad. I'd cry or scream to no avail until one Saturday I simply got up and went out for 8 hours he's never ever done it since. It doesn't worry me that he wants to do somthing without me. What I objected to was sodding off without even a "goodbye I'm off to were ever, see ya later.". What we do now on the days we're off work together is say ' what have you got planned' ...thankfully or I'd have divorced him.

ninathenana Mon 02-May-16 16:03:35

morethan2 that's one of several reasons D and SiL are no longer together.
H and I usually know where the other is. If he goes out before I'm up he will leave a note. It won't however, say how long he will be. If I feel the need to call, I might as well forget it as he never hears it. angry

annsixty Mon 02-May-16 16:07:23

Anya it is wearing more than anything else and you learn to grit your teeth a lot!!

Grannyben Tue 03-May-16 18:13:31

Granny activist, I think it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your husband. As long as you are there for each other when needed, it is nice to have a bit of independence.

Morghew70 Tue 03-May-16 18:43:24

My DH was always absolutely fine with my doing whatever I wanted and going wherever, but he never went anywhere unless we went out together. He never worried if I went away for a couple of days to see the grandchildren or whatever, then he got ill (heart failure) and gradually became more and more anxious if he didn't know exactly where I was. At the end he would telephone me if I went to have a bath to see how long I was going to be! It was very exhausting but not his fault. I used to feel guilty whenever I got irritated and tried to bite my lip. Unfortunately we are not all good at being carers but it is 'in sickness and in health'. Health is definitely better.

mollie Tue 03-May-16 18:57:46

We're another 'joined at the hip' couple. He works from home and I don't work at all and haven't got much of a social life here so it's rare that we are ever apart. I'm wondering how this will work when he is retired - hopefully we'll both develop friends and actives independent of each other but what if we don't? At the moment we manage quite well so I expect we'll jog along into the sunset.

obieone Tue 03-May-16 18:59:17

DH and I leave each other notes about where as in which town or whatever, we are going and rough time of getting back.
And we can always use the mobile phone.

My mum finds this very odd. Thinks he should know where I am precisely, at all times.

Gagagran Tue 03-May-16 19:23:18

We usually have a look at the calendar at the beginning of the week so we know what we have planned either jointly or separately. We have mobile phones and always have them switched on when we are out - not that himself hears it ring if he is out with his bike club. We both feel free to come and go but think it is a courtesy to say when and where and how long we might be.

grannyactivist Tue 03-May-16 19:31:02

And therein often lies the difficulty Gagagran, saying when and where and how long we might be rests upon us actually being together before one of us scoots off. grin

I know what he's doing at the moment and I know roughly where: he's giving a talk, in Norwegian, about a cycle trip he did in Norway a few years ago. smile

Gagagran Tue 03-May-16 19:54:37

I do see the difficulty there ga! But if it suits the pair of you to operate as you do, then that is fine and that would certainly be preferable to me rather than being glued to each other's side 24/7.

Some people are free-er spirits than others! grin

annsixty Tue 03-May-16 20:16:27

Gagagran sadly we don't have a choice about being glued to each other's side 24/7 it is thrust upon us and we would give anything for it not to be so.

Anya Tue 03-May-16 22:28:04

Thanks for the flowers Ann and yes, I'm doing a lot of teeth gritting already.

Some for you too flowers and a wine