Friendships

My very wise father used to say that we are lucky if we have one true friend in a lifetime. I've been incredibly lucky - apart from marrying my true soulmate, I have two fantastic close friends, a Brazilian penpal who has always called me her "big sister" and we keep in touch most days after some 50 years, and a French friend who has been one of my two best friends since we were in our early teens and similarly keep in touch as often as possible; we often disagree about our interests, attitudes and way of life, but it doesn't matter - no matter how "wrong" we think the other is about a given subject, we are happy to explain why we think that and never ever take umbrage. And if ever one of us goes through a bad patch, the others will always be there for us.

I have never been in this position thankfully and have lots of friends, some going back more than 50 years some more recent .I married relatively late and consequently put a lot of effort into maintaining friendships in my twenties and thirties.
I do have one friend though with whom you have to make all the running .She is always delighted to see you and very hospitable but you have to be the one to get in touch,call in etc.We have been friends for more than 45 years and I value her greatly so I just try and accept its how she is .To be fair ,she did 'step up'for me recently so I know I can still rely on her in a crisis .
It must be very hard to be in this position as you must always wonder if you did something to offend

It has happened to me, but as it was a friend living aeveral thousand miles, and who had been a frequent guest in my house when she visited, I don't feel too bad. She had been very rude indeed about England and the British, and contradicted everything one said. DH got very fed up with her so wasn't too sad at the end of the friendship - since she now tries to stay in touch, I am cool, friendly but keep my distance...
I have noticed that people who owe you something are the first to drop you, from guilt i assume. My parents were very friendly with a young couple and their children, who viewed them in loco parentis. the husband died of a horrible car-crash when barely in his 30s, the wife was very dependent on my parents until she sorted herself out - after that? Nada, she cut them out completely which saddened and hurt them deeply.
It is sad for you to lose a friend, but don't let it hurt you too much - if you do brood on it, it means that she has _won_. Don't let her...

I had half a sleepless night over this last night. You start thinking something is wrong with you. The thing that annoys me is that people stop contact but keep sending Christmas cards (just one person, im not that hard to like!). Perhaps that explains it, you are one of a long list of,to them, friendships which are all about them not you,if that makes sense?

Personally, I'm always a little wary of people who claim they want to be 'best friends'. For me this was a phase I went through at school.

This seems to be something that happens to most people who have close friends; I 'lost' a friend of twenty years standing when her marriage broke down. She had dropped several other couples too as I think it was too painful, her marriage was her 'status' and she didn't want to have any dealings with friends who knew about it. I couldn't help her - she wouldn't let me, and she moved away eventually and made a new life. Another fairly close friend suddenly turned cold and difficult - I have yet to find out what went wrong there but again there were others who were treated the same way at that time, so I think reading the messages above it seems that often the reason is likely to be found with the one who has 'gone cold' .
A relative dropped me like a hot brick when we dared to go on holiday with one of my closest friends and her husband - I have no idea why it upset her but hey ho - it did!
All that said, I have several lovely friends, some of whom have been in my life almost forever, and what a joy and solace they are.

Yes I know it does happen and it is very upsetting especially when you have been good friends for years. My friend dropped me because I didn't come up to her expectations. Her husband was terminally ill in hospital. We live a 1 hour drive away. We were visiting him every 2 weeks, and then staying with my friend for a meal etc. for the rest of the day. On the phone 3 or 4 times a week but this was not enough. I heard after from a friend that she thought I should have asked her for weekends and I just didn't come come up to scratch. So I am completely blocked now. I really understand how you feel but I have come to the conclusion that some friends can be very intense and needy and maybe we are better without them.

I was dropped like a hot cake after I dropped in to see a friend who had another friend with her having a cup of tea. I hadn't known anyone else was there but apparently I had overstepped the mark! Many years later I saw her at a friends wedding and she was very anxious to exchange telephone numbers but I just couldn't do it. We also had a lot of problems with a family member who started contacting our children and telling them how to lead their lives, it was all getting out of hand and we decided we had to cut contact, her own mother said she quite understood our action but it was a sad thing to have to do.

A friend of mine was dropped recently after at least a 20 yr friendship ,she had also been very supportive to that person when they were going through a difficult time. I learnt from others that the person who dropped my friend just found her very depressing and decided to cut her out of her life must say I found it very hard to understand.

This happened to me & I found out much later through a 3rd party that she was having depression problems. I was really shocked she could not confide in me as my husband has had same thing & she was a rock to me when it was at it's worst. I tried to contact her so many times & heard nothing back & then 5 years later I got a friend request on FB from her. I agonised about what to do & in the end accepted but I confess I keep contact to a minimum as she never explained or even mentioned the way she treated me. I do understand that she was ill but as we no longer live anywhere near each other I decided I can do without the hurt again.

Three years ago long standing best friends 37 years, (he was our best man, she was our eldest daughters godmother), moved to the other side of the country to live nearer to their daughter. We used to see them a few times a year as they only lived 40 mins away. I was in a demanding job at the time, so the new distance would have meant no day visits and overnights were not really on as I used to use weekends to catch up with everything. Anyway after a few months I had heard nothing, no new address, no contact so I sent emails (not on FB), and made phone calls, still nothing. I continued to periodically e mail and telephone, but still no contact. I then sent a request to her daughter on FB (clear it was not a really active account) and followed it up with a call. She then rang back but 3 years after the move. She had been really unhappy in the new location, they had moved from a middle class town (upmarket actually) to a very much less affluent part of the country, and she said she couldn't talk about it without crying.

I had then retired so we visited on our way back from our DS in London, and our friends have now moved within the same town, so we then went for a weekend! Friendship fully restored. Her DiL, has only just started taking to her, as they use to live near each other , and was silently furious (I believe), that once they moved across the country, she lost the free holiday childcare!!

So do not give up, I told her I really like their new move location, she said that compliment has helped her to settle in more, she does still regret moving from the West to the East, but loves being near to and seeing her DD on DD way home from work when she drops in for a coffee.
Also
My DS, had a very close friend all through school and up until DS went to Canada, at 27. His friend went with him, but never 'managed', to find any work, so for a year DS picked up all the bills! DS came back to the UK at 36 (failed long term relationship. - I so wanted to hug the girl, who was lovely but not in our opinion the right girl, and say thank you, he wouldn't have come back otherwise!!!). After being home for 18 months DS invited his friend to his sisters engagement, but the friendship never repaired. So some friendships can get over 'stuff' and some can't.
What I hope this illustrates is that very few people have not been through a long term friendship breakdown. You belong to a big family club, It is NOTHING you have done!

Thank you again this is all very positive, I will not now dwell on it! And it has now stopped raining, off to walk the dog.

I was dropped by and have dropped friends so see it from both sides, I suppose.

I was dropped by my really good friend, Godmother to my DS. She moved away and we kept in touch. She used to say to me that my problems with Ex H kept going round in circles. I left him eventually, moved onto a council estate because he wouldn't leave the marital home, she visited once and I have never seen her or heard from her since.

I dropped a friend, or so I thought of as a friend, my neighbour when I left the area and moved here. I didn't want anyone there to know where I had moved to and she wouldn't have kept it to herself. On her 50th birthday she showed me the photo album of her and all her friends having different nights out together, a trip to London etc., all nice and bonny and I was nowhere to be seen. I thought we were friends. Not even a mention of going to the local pub to celebrate. She gave me my 50th present stood at the side of the bin! She didn't even knock at the door! She also was sleeping with a married man, had for 20 years. I tried to get her to see it from the wife's perspective but she didn't want to know and enjoyed knowing he was with her when he should have been at home with his family. I didn't agree with this and I didn't like it. I suppose sometimes we just outgrow some people and this is what had happened with her. I don't regret it as she wanted to know everything about my life and I didn't want her to. Move on, make new friendships, start again. People drift in and out of our lives when we have a need for them or they have a need for us. Then they or we move on.

Reading all these posts makes me think.....There's nowt so queer as folk!

Saying that I do have a friend I have had since I was 14 years old, so some do stick around.

Sometimes I think you can outgrow friend. You end up having nothing in common anymore and end up as acquaintances then the friendship fizzles out. This happened to me and common sense kicked in and I ended the friendship as it had run it's course but that's life and when one friendship ends another begins.

Isn't this sad, so many people have been through the same thing, me included. Although I have tended to be 'lifted and laid' by my 'friend' for many years, but it all tuned round when I got an excellent promotion, and some fantastic opportunities came my way. At the same time my 'friends' business was going belly up and she was struggling, and who did she turn to for help? Me of course, and yes I was there for her and always will be, because in the end, it can happen to any one of us, and I would like to be the better/stronger person. Things continued to improve for me and she has still had to keep working and I have now retired and just returned from a trip of a lifetime.
There is enough suffering in this world, and we need to take care of ourselves first and foremost, and yes I do believe in Karma!

Hi Hildagard 6 years ago I moved 500 miles to help look after my gc. I met a lady while walking my dog and we became friends. Meals at each other's house, days out, shopping trips etc. I was really happy to have made such a lovely new friend. Then last summer we'd arranged a day out and I went to her house to meet her. We had a coffee in the garden when she suddenly announced I'd have to leave immediately. I left feeling very concerned, we'd only been discussing the beautiful weather and gardens. I rang a few days later to see if she was ok and her husband assured me she was fine, just having an off day. I rang again another couple of time over a long time and each time she ended the call swiftly saying she'd talked enough. Wondering if I was being a bit dim and not taking a hint I asked DD who said my friend may be depressed. Checked agin with her husband who laughed and said she was fine.
I'd managed to sell my old house and buy a new one, albeit very small and not in the best area. However it's what I could afford. My friend came to see it and announced it was very nice but NOT a good area. (It's not THAT bad)! Then my spare Dior key which is given to my friend arrived on the post with no note, just the key. I bumped into my friend in the supermarket last week and after the polite hellos I asked why she'd returned the key and she said she 'can't do new friends'. This after 5 years! I asked point blank if she meant she no longer wanted to be friends and she confirmed just that. No, she does not want to be my friend. I was really hurt and could only think to say that in that case is not hold her up from her shopping. I've come to the conclusion it's her loss. It is hard to make new friends later in life and knocks your confidence when someone dies as she has. DD assures me I am a nice person and all her friends love me so I'll be thankful for that. I think I'm not quite coming up to scratch for my friend in her large beautiful house, fabulous clothes etc. It's the kind of person you are who matters. No good looking wonderful if you don't have a kind heart. You are better off without such 'friends'.

It is both comforting and saddening to read all these posts. Comforting because Hildagard's experience has happened to me as well as to so many of you, so now I know I'm not alone in this, and saddening that people can treat others so hurtfully.

In my case, I unwittingly made my former friend angry, but she pretended that I had upset her husband, who denied being upset when asked about it some time later. Her reaction and subsequent behaviour were totally disproportionate to the "crime".

She will never admit what caused her to drop me as a friend because she knows it would sound ridiculous, so - Hildagard and others - do not waste your time trying to find out what you did "wrong" because they will never tell you - or they will make up a reason that had nothing to do with it.

I have never had that many close friends so I was sad to lose one that I did have, but I have had to accept - with regret - that I am better off without this person.

I decided last year that I could no longer be friends with someone who had been my best friend at school over 50 years ago. I found I just could not accept her views on blood sports, refugees and tail docking any longer! I know she was very upset but the fact that she continually brought up topics we disagreed on just became too much. I have tried to explain that we really don't have anything in common any more. Should I feel guilty? The truth is that I am just SO relieved.

Good grief! This post has certainly made me realise that there are more, pardon the expression, 'weirdo's' out there than I thought! I have had some personal experience with this and you are all right. All you can do, after a few attempts to discover if there is a problem, is forget it and move on. I have had a childhood friend (since age 12, we are now 64) from a large family, and I was friendly with some of her siblings. When we were in our 30's and I was going through a rough patch (divorce, new baby etc) her brother told me something about a party where she (my friend) and her other siblings had been slagging me off. Needless to say, I cut her off for a few years. And she is the kind of person who never reaches out, so she was just 'puzzled' but never enough to enquire. Eventually my life settled down, and I remembered some advice from an agony aunt - "Decide whether your life is overall better with this person in it, or out of it, and act accordingly". I realised that I missed my friend. I wrote her a letter, we were soon back to visiting and staying in touch. We now live far apart but have a one hour phone catch-up every single week! I did, many years later, speak to her sister about the original problem, but she surmised that it was her other poncy sibling who was doing the slagging and my friend just went along with it.

I know an elderly lady who dropped a friend for no reason at all. The friend lived in a different part of UK and wrote asking if she could come and stay for a few days. The lady couldn't cope with the thought of anyone staying with her, so she ignored the letter. Then she stopped answering the phone when the friend rang. The friend got very worried so she contacted the local vicar and asked him to call and see the lady. She was most embarrassed at being caught out just being unkind. The worst thing was that the friend died soon after, and she had just wanted to spend a few days with the lady to say goodbye.

Oh Skweek1 - that is so sad. for you.

I often think about the saying that we make friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The lifetime ones are rare and to be treasured but there are others, I believe, who are only ever going to be friends for a while. Maybe the reason was a shared interest or when you both have children who are friends - when the reason begins to fade, so does the friendship. Others, I think, are just for a season and fade or end for no real reason - it's just time to move on. It's helped me when I've been puzzled by the behaviour of a friend in the past and now I find that I don't expect things to last forever. I just appreciate what was good and let it go gracefully. Hope this helps too. I'm sorry you've been so saddened ?X

This has been one of the most interesting posts ever!

The thing about friendship is that it needs time - cups of tea, shopping, crying on shoulders, long phone calls.

I knew, when nobody turned up to help me when I really needed a friend, that they were all just acquaintances, only in it for the good times. I got through without them and developed the strength to manage alone.

Later, when I had to share my time between my husband, my children, my career, and friendship - friendship came bottom because it had failed me before and I didn't want to be that hurt again. I decided to learn from the past.

I'm not a hermit, I know lots of lovely women, go out, have fun, but none of them are close friends. That is my decision.

My dear friends are my husband and my son and daughter. That, and the company of my grandchildren, is enough for me.