Is it possible to forgive an abusive mother ?

I totally agree Nina. Each person needs their own way - and there is no hard and fast rule.

I think it is difficult to achieve' healing' without forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't t something that has come from social media. It is one of the basics of the Christian gospel. The Lord's prayer states' forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us'. I know folk on here are not necessarily Christians and I know forgiveness is extremely hard especially in these very sad situations posted on here. I believe it is an ideal to aim for and true and full healing cannot come without it. I accept this is my belief and do not wish to upset anyone. I am very sorry so many have suffered at the hands of their mums.

Mumofmadboys, that is the wrong message. The Bible clearly states many times over forgive only if the sinner repents. This is what God says. Repent and you'll go to Heaven. He won't forgive if there's no remorse and he doesnt expect us to either.

Not that I'm a religious believer but I know what it says in the bible and it isn't that. I hope no one here feels that they must forgive their abuser in order to be accepted by God. That's just not true. It does state in one verse that anyone who corrupts (or abuses) a child should be cast out to sea with a millstone around his neck. God does not want anyone to continue being hurt or abused.

Could I just point out I did not say someone must forgive their abuser to be accepted by God. We are all accepted by God just as we are , warts and all. We can do nothing to make God love us any more than he does already.. He loves us unconditionally.
Sometimes someone hurts us without realising they have done so and we can forgive them. I know this is for minor hurts compared to the serious abuses mentioned on this thread but I am saying we can forgive even if the other person has not felt remorse.

The verse you misquote is fromMatthew Ch 18 v6. It says 'If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea'. It is about causing a child to doubt their faith and nothing to do with physical or sexual abuse.

Mumofmadboys, the bible is open to interpretation and the verse I lightly quoted is referring to children who have been drawn away from God by being corrupted is sexual abuse by others. It makes pretty clear reading. As you point out they don't get forgiven. They get drowned. I'm glad you clarified your point because I'd hate to think we were suggesting that a woman who has been assaulted won't find redemption unless she forgives her assailant.

Nina 59 please re read what I have written.The verse you quote is nothing to do with physical or sexual abuse. It is about making children doubt their belief in God. It is saying it would be better for a man to drown rather than cause little ones to lose their faith.

Sorry Mum of boys but I'm losing the will to continue with this debate. I'm a writer and researcher and I have written many articles on forgiveness with the aim of explaining why no one should feel pressured into forgiving anyone. To do this effectively, I have read through the verses in the old and new testament as well as book of revelations. There are several verses relating to children being made to sin thus led away from God. Its not the children who will suffer but the perpetrators. The implied suggests that causing children to sin includes abuse.

I think to bring quotation from the Bible into it is wrong, there are so many contradictions. It is how Bee feels, how is her mother now? Could she have been suffering from depression? The truth is that you can forgive if the person is truly sorry and can offer some explanation why they let you down. I think that physical abuse and mental cruelty, not seeing to a child's basic needs, clean, warm bed, good food is another matter and just speaking from my point of view, wouldn't want them in my life or my families.i would make a new start for me, my husband and children if I had them, if not concentrate on friends and my job and make a new life.

I agree Luckylegs. Every situation is unique to the person. I understand why my mother treated me like she did but I wouldn't want her back. Forgiveness isn't the issue. Its surviving the memories.
There is no time limit to forgive anyone but it helps if you can find peace within yourself.

I have read this thread with great sadness. How dreadful that bad parenting still has an affect in older age. My mother was loving but not my MIL. Still upsets but not with the deep damage of an unloving mum. I can not help but just wanted to send good wishes for future resolutions if possible.

Resolution is not feasible with my mum now and I see her as a different person from the little old lady slowly dying in rhe nursing home .

I don't know what my reaction will be when mum actually dies. I might mourn the lack of the mother I would have liked to have but I will also be thankful that despite mum's efforts, my brothers and I have a really good relationship and will get through it together! We've worked hard at that when we could have let the bad feelings persist and gone our separate ways after the funeral.

For me to forgive the physical and emotional trauma I suffered at the hands of my mother (and father and sisters and brothers) I would have to deny myself, my own existence, and to say that what they did was right. It was not right, and I will never forgive her (or them). I still have terrible nightmares that I am surrounded by marauding lions who are not attacking the rest of the family, but will get me. I think it relates to the complete helplessless you feel as a child and have no-one to turn to and nowhere to go to escape the trauma, yet how would you survive if you were thrown out on the street (something my mother did to me twice). I learned to keep quiet, agree with everyone, do everything I was told, not complain, keep my head down, do nothing - and that was the only way I could survive. Parents both dead, and I have completely cut off all contact with 2 horrendous sisters. You would not believe the things they have said and done. The songs No Regrets and I Did It My Way don't apply to me. No, no, no, no, no, I will never forgive the person who tried to destroy me and told me she never wanted me.

My mother was an alcoholic and would hide bottles all over the house when my siblings and I were young. She made childhood unbearable but we all got through it albeit with baggage. She's still alive and I can't prove it but she still drinks even though she say's she doesn't. My siblings don't keep in touch with her. I did but it wore thin after she went to the seaside for a week and broke her arm falling off a bench 'we believe' whilst she was drunk? Dh is sick of picking up the pieces as I am but I am more sick of the fact that she doesn't keep in touch unless she wants us to do something for her. She regularly texts her buddies from the club but can't keep in touch with her own children. I've not heard from her since Christmas when she texted me 'demanding' I telephone her. I was charging my phone up at the time so I didn't get the message until about an hour later so I texted back asking "what's up" and .... no reply .... I know she's still alive I've seen her on her mobility scooter in the village. I miss her terribly but it's a one sided relationship, she is very selfish. Because I didn't jump when she said jump, she's sulking.

I should add ... about the forgiving and forgetting. I can't forget the things she did whilst drunk nor can I forgive. Just to give you an idea, she drown a kitten I had because she was jealous of me loving it, she even tried to drown me in the bath once as a 'punishment' because I fell asleep in it and she would make me wash dishes in scalding hot water. We had to make our own meals, wash our own clothes, do all the jobs she should do and she never once told us we were clever or beautiful or any supportive things you say to your child to give them self confidence. She would not allow any of us to stay on at school to take our exams, she wanted us to be earning money to pay rent. During this time my father was usually out of the house working speaking of which, we had to save up our pocket money from him to buy our own school uniforms. I am angry at him too for leaving us to deal with her as children even now after all these years. He passed away when I was 19 so no, I can't forgive or forget. I push it to the back of my mind and try not to think about it whilst I'm fetching and carrying for her. I've no doubt she talks about us all to her boozing buddies behind our backs! This is the longest I've ever not been in touch with her but I'm so fed up!

kooklafan

I've read your post with such sadness but I think you've survived and become a better person unfortunately you're mum will have the last laugh because you're expected to meet the cost of her funeral.

leftoutgrandma and kooklafan both of your accounts are so terribly sad I can't think of anything to say apart from what incredible strong women you are to have come through so much.

You might be expected to meet the cost of your mother's funeral kooklafan and from reading your post I wouldn't be surprised if you did, but you wouldn't have too.

I think that having an alcoholic for a mother must be the worst kind of torture for a child . A Mother is supposed to be there to protect you and love you , neither of which she can do whilst drunk . Very sad for those who have had rotten childhoods caused by selfish or cold Mothers .

I've pondered over the subject of forgiveness many times.
I think it is possible to forgive, but we can never forget, can we.
It must be dreadful to have had such a cruel mother and I sympathise. My mother left me when I was 2 weeks old and I didn't see her again until I was 16. We became friends until her death many years later, but I was often plagued by deep resentment towards her. She explained why she left me, but I still think she could have raised me if she had really wanted to. Have I ever really forgiven her? I think so, but only just.

Kooklaflan. I found it hard to read what you suffered as a child. What cruelty. I wanted to reach out to that little girl and put my arms round her. Have you made a new life for yourself? Do you have family of your own?, I know I will probably be shouted down, but put you and your family first, can you not get away from the area where your mother lives, she doesn't deserve that label, move away and on. You owe her nothing, how she can look at herself in the mirror I dint know. Forgiveness doesn't come into it, you have survived despite the cruelty and you deserve to move on and be happy. She is still punishing you, for what? You should be so proud of yourself because you sound so caring despite everything.???

Henetha, that took a lot to forgive your mother for. Some women just cannot cope and suffer severe depression, perhaps that was the reason.. Did you have a good childhood? , if she really couldn't cope and only you know that, she might have made sure that others could give you the life she couldn't. I find it hard to understand as I would have suffered anything for mine, they just always came first, but I had a good family around me and a husband that loved me, if you take those things away, who knows how it makes you act.. You did what you thought was the right thing but put it away and look forward.. I think of the saying.the past is gone and who knows what the future brings, but you have now and that's a present.

This is a different slant from me
I am the abusuve mother - in my daughters eyes and my own
We had a very volatile relationship from her early childhood she is 30 now and I am 60 abd she seemed to delight in winding me up in s major scale and I would snap .i did not hit her but shook her squeezed her arm once and bruised it and certainly shouted a lot .i could never understand why - I adored and loved her dearly but she was so blooming awkward .we took her to child psychologists even.i saw a lot of counsellors to try and work in our bad relationship
as she got older it became more physical - sometimes in self defence and most times after serious provocation from her - - I suffered as much from her - there were terrible tines when she was a teenager that make me shudder but always as a result of her extreme dbehaviour but her behaviour was a result of her teenage angst unhappiness or drugs
Police were called by my partner on my own daughter because it was so volatile thus makes me feel sick
I tried to fix it -constantly - I never gave up but as she got older it became more manipulative verbal abuse with occasional physical from her
Not long ago she reacted so aggressively at my house I front if her children because I had said something she didn't agree with I have had my head slapped hair pulled
We are toxic together and she sucks me into her life when she needs me or ther are problems and then takes it all out in me and spits me out
She has battled with my divorce ( her father is useless ) battled as a single mum and we have supported her every way we can .emotionally she shuts me out and she is driving a wedge between my despairing long suffering partner who is a saint
I have been to hell and back with guilt and remorse but she will not forgive or forget
We are currently away together ( big mistake as everyday is a drama ) and yesterday she told small grandson I beat her up and was psychotic She now uses her children against me - they adore me but are v confused and say we don't like you you are crazy - this is her new tactic
It's as if she is doing everything as a 30 year old to pay me back
Ther were happy lovely times but she can only can remember the bad -
She is trying to destroy me and told me I would die an old lady sitting I my own p...
Also suggested yesterday i jump off balcony
Basically the abuse roles have been reversed and I am now crumbling
She tells me I a miserable but I have been broken -
She tells me everybody hates me I am not a normal mother but I feel she has never allowed me to be.
It's far more complicated than this post and none if it was Jeremy Kyle levels !
you can only forgive if you have that ability and the willingness to move on and she and I certainly cannot forget _ I will have regrets till my dying day but I am sick if begging her to forgive and move on
she still harbour grievances for 20'years and tell me it's pay back time
I know she is transposing all her issues onto me and fixating on the negative because of the various issues she has with verbally abusive expartner
You can only forgive if you are the right place in your life to be happy
I think We have to accept that some mother daughter relationships don't work -you can be a bad mother but you can also be a bad daughter .
Makes me so very very sad for her for me for my little grandsons - such a waste of emotional energy I'm a walking bucket of tears .

I think a way to go forward is to consider counselling. I felt utterly worthless had no self-confidence and spent most of my childhood apologising to my mother because I was a "burden" as she put it. She told so many lies, my Grandparents were worried for my physical safety, and took me out of the house. I was brought up by them, while Mother doted on my younger sisters, who had an idyllic childhood with her. When my Grandparents died while I was a teenager, she told me that my Grandfather had sexually abused her when she was a child, and hoped that I'd had the same treatment from him, because I was "bad", this was a total lie, he never did anything like that at all, as an adult, I see a pathetic, sad woman, I do feel pity towards her, but have distanced myself. Counselling helped my no end to love myself and to feel I deserved happiness. I no longer seek her approval, I last spoke to her 4 months ago, when she told me I was, and always will be, a massive disappointment to her, as she does not think I measure up to my sisters in terms of achievement. I can't change her, but I don't let her poison me with her hatred. I wish you well.

luckylegs9, - I've just read this reinstated thread again and found that I hadn't answered your kind comments.
I think my mother was very much influenced by her parents who were quite well off and rather snobby. They said she could return home but not with the baby (me). So she found foster parents for me and left. I was adopted eventually and had difficult years with a strict upbringing. I wasn't told the truth until I was 14 so my teenage years were very unhappy.
However, when I look back now I realise that many people had much worse childhoods than me, and it's easy to dwell on feeling sorry for ourselves, isn't it. So I made a determined effort and can now accept my unfortunate start in life and just count my many blessings.