Is it possible to forgive an abusive mother ?

Some of these posts have ripped me apart.

My birth mother dumped me on Paddington Station when I was 6 years old my father picked me up a short time later so it was obviously prearranged. I never saw her again but lived with my Dad happily if chaotically for 5 years. Dad then married the bitch from hell. I tried so hard to get her to love me but she hated me and made my life hell. I escaped at 18 to start nursing where I was surprised to find I was popular despite being lazy, ugly and useless.

She continued to pour scorn on me and my DC's birth and adopted children and when she died I had to think of my DS who died at 13 to make me cry.

No I cannot forgive or forget ever I hate her!!! BTW she worshipped and adored her birth children.

This has been cathartic and I am not a nasty person but she nearly ruined me!

I agree with all posters that you can never forget, nor should you. But I think forgiveness is a must. Not doing so is destructive and can compound negativity for the rest of your life if not addressed.

Good posts Grannyben and Izabella.
I have several complaints about my Mum, but I know too that I haven't been the ideal mother to my children, in many ways. I've apologised to them, and they said they forgive me.
But if we do our best, in the circumstances we find ourselves , that's as much as can be expected. It's not an easy job.
I would certainly forgive, if necessary.

The hurt never goes away but it is possible to have an on the surface reasonable relationship.

One the other hand, DH has decided to have nothing to do with his mother. During his childhood she nearly killed him by giving him bleach to drink, broke his nose by hitting him in the face with a sweeping brush, regularly beat him, sometimes 'forgot' to feed him and from the age of 8 he had to collect sacks of coal and carry them home (around a mile) even when he was knee deep in snow He joined the army at 17 to escape. He wanted to save most of his wages so that when he came out he'd have a nice lump sum to start civilian life. She said she'd put it in the bank for him and being a kid he trusted her. When he came out of the army he found that she'd spent all his money. She said he owed her for all the money she'd spent on him when he was growing up. After that he maintained a strained relationship with her because she was his mam. However, the final straw was recently when she cut up a photograph I had taken of herself with DH and his brother so that it was only her and his brother.

I too had an awful mother. She used to tell me off and criticise me constantly, telling me there was something wrong with me compared with other children.
I grew up believing I was ugly and unworthy of ever being loved by anyone.
I constantly sought "approval" from others to somehow prove her wrong. I was lucky that I never got involved with an unscrupulous person who flattered me because I would have given them anything they wanted.

I agree that you can never forget such traumatic treatment in your formative years. Whether you can forgive or put it behind you probably depends on your personality and circumstances. I have always been a sensitive soul so I was very wounded and repulsed by her lies and manipulative behaviour - and still am even though she has been dead over 3 years.

If people are able to forgive, fine - but for some people it may not always be possible and they should not feel "guilty" about that.

I find it helpful to remind myself that none of it was my fault. She was an angry, pathetic person who used me to get rid of her anger somehow. I have decided to try and get rid of my own anger first - to get all the poison she "injected" out of my system. Only then will I be able to even consider "forgiveness".

Bee I am a similar age to you and I too had an awful childhood, my mother and father were very selfish people. I am an only child and was never allowed friends in the house. When I played on my own because they wouldn't play with me, I use to tape myself talking and got told to shut that row up!. I was continuously told I was jealous of my parents. My father hit me frequently and bruised me on several occasions up until I was 21. I often went to work with bruises and I was nursing at the time. I did move away from where I was born in fact 250 miles away to get away from them. We did see each other but only 5 times a year. Then they followed me sadly!
My childhood has affected the whole of my life. I seemed to follow abuse, I married a bully who hit me and stayed with him for 16 yrs. I finally left, but the bullying carried on by my ex as he blackmailed both my children to live with him otherwise he would cut them out of his life. This was another rejection. Now I'm still being bullied but by my daughter. It never seems to end. It has destroyed me over the years about the way my p parents treated me. Have I forgiven my parents, only just this year. I've had almost a year of counselling and I can honestly say I've put it to bed. I now have no emotional attachment to my parents and can finally get on with my life. I hardly see them only at family gatherings and don't want a full blown relationship with them. But I feel at peace about it. But it's taken 40 yrs for me to sort it out. I've had several sessions of counselling since I was 12. But last year finally found a wonderful counsellor who sorted me out.

I too agree you never forget. Good luck Bee big hugs to you.

Well done Vintage. Unfortunately, our low self esteem means we recreate the same pattern of attracting bullies until we realise and set new boundaries. I trained as a coach 11 years ago. I don't work as a coach today but I do a job that brings me into contact with lots of women so I get to hear all their stories. Bullies are often attracted to needy, vulnerable people which in turn are attracted to the bully because it's all they know. It's not till they start to realise how they are still following the same pattern and then setting new boundaries, not only for the bullies but for themselves too, that they learn how to attract friendlier people. This won't cure the bully but it will create a much happier life for you. You're on the right track Vintage. Stick with it. xxx

What terribly sad stories. My father was a very violent man, not just to us children, to my mother and everyone who crossed him. He went to prison once for throwing a man through a window.
My Mother did her best. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I understood where it was all coming from. My mothers father went to prison for assault on her 2 brothers. Her mother died when she was a child. She just didn't know how to 'Mother'
I found out that my father was 19 and a signalman on the Russian convoy. When I read up on the horrors of that, I understood his anger.
I can't say I forgive or forget because I've always believed you grow up and become an adult and do the right thing. But I do understand now.

In today's world my mother would have been known as an abusive mother and we may well have been removed from her care, but corporal punishment was acceptable then and the other thing was, she was a single mother in an era where the only respectable way to be a single mother was by becoming a widow. No matter how hard she beat me or what emotional trauma she caused me, I always loved her even though I did not always like her. I left home at 15 and stayed with one of my sisters until we fell out, then I would move in with the next one ( I was the youngest of 5 children). When I grew up and had my own family I could understand better how hard life must have been in those days for her but we had a strange relationship. We did become close again when she moved back to the city we lived in at the time, although we never discussed how she treated me. But I am glad we did get close again as she died suddenly when I was in my early 30's and I still miss her today ( am now 60).

I can relate to many of the above accounts. My mother left the family home when I was 7 years old. But before that she was emotionally cold towards me, always preferring my older brother.
She was never absent from my life and at 11 I went to live with her and her new husband, where she remaind critical and emotionally cold. My father's new wife did not want me in the household. My father refused to relinquish my brother, so to my mother I was always second best.
They are all dead now, but it is hard not to grieve for the mother you did not have. I threw myself into academia, married and have 2 wonderful DSs.
But I do envy friends who have close relationships with their mothers and daughters.
You may be able to forgive, but in my opinion you can never forget, only move on.
X

The problem for me was that my mother, through no fault of her own, was unable to be warm and loving to us. We were not subjected to any obvious cruelty and were, to all outside observers, a normal family.

Since she died 11 years ago, I guess I have been able to forgive her; but we all bear the scars and those cannot be erased; we can only do our very best to live well and be good Mums and grandmothers.

I too had an horrendous mother, well, still have. She has done many things but, due to getting to know my dad better these last few years, a lot of the things she did were kept secret, including an affair she had for many years while still married and while we were babies. At one time, I questioned myself if I was actually my dad's daughter and I shouldn't have had to do that. She had a relationship when divorced with a man who was into things he shouldn't have been but she would not hear a bad word said against him and wanted us to invite him to our houses. Belting us for wanting lunch, locking my brother out of the caravan for an asthma attack, didn't do anything when my sister was attacked, took knives to my dad in arguments, drunk to oblivion. And some of this is being played down for on here.

I sent her a card a few years ago saying thank you for the stuff she had done which was lovely, good meals, parent's evening, sports day, cuddles. And I said that I forgave her the things which weren't lovely. She has been in touch because of my dad dying but now I don't want anything to do with her at all. I have no feelings now either way for her. I am too busy concentrating on what is wrong with me and enjoying every day. I won't forget, but I am not going to let it rule my life any more, time is far too precious to waste on someone who did not put me first when she should have done. And she would still be the same now if I was to try to have a relationship with her.

I do think that a line can be drawn under bad relationships if both parties are willing to try to make a go of things being better and different. It's no use apologising if things are not going to change.

It is awful to read this thread but it does show that we have not been on our own in our abuse from our mothers and that, for me, gives me some comfort, even though I don't like the thought of others suffering too.

It's strange to see this thread resurrected as last week I learnt yet more about things Mum has said and done to family members. Whilst it's good to know it wasnt just me (!), it's baffling to know why!!

Like J52, I really envy people who have a good relationship with their mothers. I'm lucky to have 3 daughters and it is a surprise to me that we all get on.

I have mentioned before a quote I saw which really resonates:

It's difficult to believe your children love you if your mother never made you feel valued.

I agree with Whitewave, that you might find counselling very helpful. It's painful and it's hard work, but it pays off. At the moment it sounds as though you've got a continuing rumble of discontent, which you might be trying to suppress. If you brought it out and faced it, unpicked it, really looked at it - that's when you would be free to let it go. And that way freedom lies. When you can forgive you can step out of the victim role. Good luck.

I do think it's important to forgive and forget, however some of your experiences made me cry. Vampire queen, what your husband went through as a boy just broke my heart, how can anyone treat a child like that, his own mother, why did no one else step in? In his shoes I would never want to see her, he has found the happiness denied him as a child with you and that is wonderful. The others who have had terrible mothers, I know you have to try to make sense of it, but how can you forget cruelty, physical or mental? That is why I admired Mandela who forgave and moved on. So for me I would try to forgive, but I would not be able to have a relationship with them or want my children exposed to do people capable of such vile acts. None of are perfect, but would give our lives for our children, always put them before anyone or anything, whilst trying to bring them up as good and happy people, it is so difficult to get in the mindset of those that don't.

To all those of you that were let down so badly, I do hope you have found happiness despite the odds, no one deserves it more.


I would try the forgiving, but could never have a relationship with the one person you should trust.

Personally, I do not occupy a victim role. My mother's behaviour is just part of my history and has, I think, made me able to see things for what they are. I suspect that most of us who have/had 'abusive' mothers don't see themselves as victims either.

Talking about it to others in the same position helps but my mum's treatment of me certainly doesn't define me.

Good attitude Kittylester. I come from a similar upbringing. I think we are all defined and shaped to some extent by our experiences but its down to us how we let this happen. The stories here are heartbreaking, everyone has wounds and scars and we each deal with things differently. I think forgiveness is overrated. Its even being questioned now, should we forgive? Will we go to Heaven if we don't? Personally I believe that none of us can forgive until our hearts have healed so healing ourselves has to be the priority. After this, acceptance comes next. Accepting that what happened wasn't about us, it was in another time where we simply didn't have the power to change things. Then letting go can occur. Once we accept and let go, we forgive ourselves for not being able to do things differently. Then the freedom comes and in my book, feeling free of your past puts it to bed. This in itself is a kind of forgiveness. But actually forgiving anyone in the sense that we must, no, I don't agree that we need to do this to heal or move on. Process what's happened, work on ourselves, go for counselling yes. Forgive and forget? I don't think we can. X

Never forgive never forget, but 'hey lifes for liveing, so go get it.

gononsuch you seem to be generous with your jolly little "bons mots" across the threads. Have you read them in depth, taken on board the human issues expressed? Yes, forgive and move on, but I can understand this is not something to treat quite so lightly.

There is no law that says we must forgive or stay with an abusive family. Abuse has grown to become a grey area but my definition is any deliberate behaviour that treats you cruelly in an emotional, mental or physical manner. Years ago, family members got away with carrying out abuse because there was no visibility as to what went on behind closed doors. But today, family life is a lot more transparent and the good thing about online support groups is that people can tell their stories and see that they're not alone. It didn't just happen to them and more importantly, they were not the cause of the abuse. New developments in psychology have broadened and so has the terminology. For example, people used to be defined as evil for their wrongdoing. Now we refer to them as malignant narcissists. Rather than feel pressured to forgive, which no one should feel forced to do, it does help to liberate us if we try to look for a deeper understanding. For example, our parents were the product of a generation of post war parents. A good hiding meant that children were taught to behave. Getting the belt or strap was 'normal'. Today we know its cruel and unnacceptable. Women who were pressured to stay in a life long marriage and who suffered emotionally were more likely to be cold and absent towards their children possibly taking their resentment out on them, or as in my case, making one child the scapegoat while favouring another. Regardless, forgiveness isn't the big issue. Finding ways to make peace with your past is more important. This does not mean going back to anyone who has hurt you. Its about setting yourself free and growing healthy in your thinking. If someone is truly sorry and amended their ways, then this is different. However don't hold your breath.

I echo what kittylester has said so well up there ^ ^ ^.

Without trawling up a long and boring story I do feel that what works for one person might not work for another and that's where a bit of decent counselling can help. It allowed me to come to the conclusion that the only person I had to think of was me....if I wanted to just walk away from it all and not bow to the pressure I felt was there for me to 'forgive and forget' I could. Society - in the form of TV and press can create these unrealistic images of family life where people DO see the erro of their ways and there are opportunities for redemption and forgiveness. However, real life is not so neat. If you feel you want to just walk away from all the past then do so....its your life and you must lead it as you wish.

I think , IMHO, forgiveness is important and it is hard to move on until you have forgiven the person who has hurt or harmed you.

its easy to blame our mothers for their wrong doings in the past but we need to look further back...if your mother treated you (Im not saying its right) badly she learned that from her own mother and her mother before and so on ...they didnt know any different it was normal to them so its up to us now as parents to break that cycle..

its not easy to forgive because what evers happened its with us for the rest of our lives...

Mumofmadboys, I'd just like to say that you do not have to forgive anyone to be able to move on. This is a misplaced message that's crept onto social media in recent times but it's wrong. It's like saying a child must forgive their abuser otherwise they can't recover or a woman must forgive a rapist if she is to feel safe again. I've even known women return to abusive situations having been told 'they must forgive'. Absolutely not. The priority is to seek help, qualified help, work on your own recovery and healing, stay away from the abuser and then and only then, with the passage of time, it may be possible to reflect with a different perspective. But no one has to forgive in order to move on. Healing the damage is much more important.