Relationships are they so awful?

I'm not a therapist either, but I think the rise in therapy is a positive sign. It shows more people are willing to admit that they have problems they can't handle instead of harboring that old attitude of "I can solve my own problems!" I've seen too many people who believed that just make their problems worse or get stuck where they were.... Just my view...

The tools for understanding human behaviours have improved astronomically since my childhood. We now recognise that we have personal responsibility for our actions, that emotions can't be "wrong" but don't have to be acted upon, and there are readily-accessible protocols like CBT that really do help us manage our selves and our lives.

When people are ferociously anti-therapy, I sometimes wonder if they're afraid of being asked to look at their behaviours. This antipathy will become less common, though, as therapeutic tools are taught more in schools.

I think everyone could benefit from some therapy, even if they don't "need" it

** disclosure: I'm not a therapist. I've done about 7 years formal psychotherapy and continue to use my 'tools' daily. Prior to undertaking this work, I learned a fair amount of NLP and Transactional Analysis related stuff as part of my sales training. "Games People Play" is fascinating!

One reason the rise in therapists has accelerated is because a)there are so many online courses to become a therapist, (scary because a lot of them are unregulated). b) new age psychology, thanks to the work of 1950's Aaron T Beck has changed Freud's thinking with the introduction of CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT is now used widely and it is very good as well as popular. New discoveries about how the brain works, ie the amygdala, which stores our emotional feelings, and the hippocampus, which is our rational thinking, means new neural pathways can be formed to introduce new positive thoughts while negative thoughts diminish. Self help books have also propelled the rise of more therapists due to people becoming more self aware that they might need to seek help. The only downside to this is making sure therapists are fully trained and adequately experienced with qualifications that are recognised by professional bodies.

The rise in therapists is because there are more accessible therapists, so more people go to them, and so a demand is created. If we didn't have therapists we wouldn't need them (and I'm a therapist. Flippant, I know, and certainly it would have helped both my father and my grandfather if there had been more therapists available to help with their PTSD and anxiety disorders. But there will always be people who want someone else to 'magic' away their problems, so will seek out all sorts of therapies, when really they just need to realise life is tough sometimes. And there are others who really do need therapy. I don't think relationships are any tougher now than they used to be, they just have different pressures and demands. But there are definitely a lot more people out there peddling their 'fix-all' ideas.

I wonder why family life in our Western world should occasion apparently occasion the need for therapy of however many types? Is it the breakdown of religious belief? Is it a reflection of a desire to "cure" rather than endure? Is it a breakdown of the ties which used to underpin our society?
Relationships are an imprecise art, and if it is the case that people are rushing to therapists because they are unable to cope , that is a dreadful indictment of our society. And of course a nice little earner for therapists particularly of the "alternative" variety.

"7 different types" of therapy, Tricia? You mean so you (general) can choose the kind you feel is right for you? What's wrong with that?

Interesting, Tricia. What do you think is so bad about therapy?

This kind of discussion had drifted onto the thread about families who are NC, and confused with the thread on MN about it, which continues there.
If the MN posters are typical of the current generation of Mums (I wonder?) it makes me feel very concerned about the future of family life.
It seems that any family problem is seen as a kind of mental illness, where a label must be found and therapy is needed. We take a weekly magazine which has a strong American influence, and maybe this approach has now spread to the UK?
Last week's edition had an article on "Choosing the right therapy". 7 different types were described.

VampireQueen, your post made me laugh. You've got a very honest, accepting and philosophical way of looking at things. I've found it the best way to stay sane. (smile)

It was me who wrote about washing dirty linen in public.
I use my own name, and have many relatives who are grandparents and could belong to GN, so I'm usually very careful about what I post. Unless it's something nice.

I am finding that Gransnet, far from making me feel in any way humorous, is having the opposite effect on me. Perhaps GN really is best avoided.

I've posted a semi-humourous post on the Boipsy result thread, please take a look, it's not as gross as it sounds, meant to be light-hearted. Not that getting results of tests is light-hearted but relief made me do it!

Now, I think, being a professional winger myself, that we are less tolerant of situations and of each other. I think we live in such a throw away society that it has become embedded into our relationships, starting with divorce and now with family members. Everything is for the short term, nothing's lasting any more. Judge Rinder on his show the other day said to one woman that she had been in a very long term relationship - it was 4 years! I've got underwear older than that! In fact, I think this pair of knickers I'm wearing I put on for the Royal Wedding! Maybe time to change?

A jokey post will often receive a sharp rebuke or worse - I've noticed this. Admittedly, Mumsnet can be (and is) just as bad, but it's far easier to find another thread where posters are understanding each other.

Perhaps the answer is to be more persistent with the good humour?? Although that can feel so arduous at times, it makes you miserable

I couldn't agree more about the lack of humour these days. A jokey post will often receive a sharp rebuke or worse.....a request for an explanation (It's a bloody joke!) Some threads have become no go areas for anyone who prefers to avoid an in depth analysis of their opinions.

Having said that I acknowledge that gransnet should definitely be a supportive place and inappropriate humour should be avoided.

People don't change. They just have the platforms to air grievances these days.

it's made GN the success it is. Or so they reckon. And perhaps they're right. [shrug]

No jingl, read the words, but admit it, there used to be more humour on GN ,
Three pages of moaning because somebody didn't get a birthday card or an expensive enough birthday present really was the last straw!

So Alea, do you advocate no one posting anything about their family problems on Gransnet? I wonder what GNHQ would think of that? Gransnet is supposed to be a supportive place isn't it? (Or so they tell me)

What happened to patience, humour, forbearance, and the acceptance that we and therefore others, are not always perfect? Earlier in the thread somebody said problems and complaints could be debated ad infinitum, I maintain they also get batted to and fro ad nauseam, "nursing their wrath to keep it warm". There is enough misery in the world, enough tragedy in some people's lives not to get so agitated about the trivialities.
Maybe some posts are tongue in cheek and not to be taken seriously, but goodness me, we do seem to like a good old moan!

Alea, I get what you're saying. But I've always heard people gripe about those who don't sent TY cards or whether or not they (if they're a GP) get to babysit and so on. They just didn't have any place to go where people would be willing to listen indefinitely and maybe offer them some helpful advice.

Not saying the advice from family or friends is never helpful. I'm sure a lot of the time it is. But it's not always as objective. So, IMO, these threads are valuable, even if the problem being discussed seems "small."

Don't know why it posted twice

DH and myself are not grumpy, resentful people but we have suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to protect us. I don't see why we should chuckle at our unhappy thoughts.

DH and myself are not grumpy, resentful people but we have suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to protect us. I don't see why we should chuckle at our unhappy thoughts.

I don't think it was you talking about dirty linen & stoically uncomplaining Blitz housewives, Alea. My comment was intended to support posters saying the internet provides much-needed support and information, as well as offering company and an escape. On the whole, I think it broadens our horizons - depending on how we use it!

There's a joke about if you could meet people from the past. You'd tell them:
"I have a device in my pocket that can access all of the information everywhere in the world, any time, anywhere, and can put me instantly in touch with millions of people!
"I use it to argue with strangers and look at pictures of kittens."


I fear we are not a happy cross section (see what I did there?) - I do!

People say the same about Mumsnet. Neither 'mums' nor 'grans' are as bad as the arguers on, say, Reddit or the Daily Mail comments. Maybe the world just is full of secretly grumpy, resentful people and the anonymity of the Web gives them courage to vent their unhappy thoughts? In the not-so-good old days, I bet they'd have been chortling at the latest hanging or ducking, and snitching on their neighbours to the priest.

Fortunately, there are lots of lovely, kind, clever & funny people online, too.

I don't think you quite got what I meant garlicCake. I am not suggesting that dysfunctional families or members with real issues should passively submit to what life dumps on them or "suck it up"(a phrase I hate), but I was wondering if the % of dissatisfied posters truly reflects how we feel about life, families and relationships. If it does, I fear we are not a happy cross section (see what Indid there?) of society.
There is a lot of umbrage being taken over what in the wider scheme of things have to be trivial issues- forgotten birthday cards, who gets invited (or not) to whom for Christmas, grannies who are not asked to babysit, grannies who feel put upon because they are required to childmind 5 days a week, people who fall out with their in-laws, wives who gave grown bored with their ageing husbands, grown up children taking the bank of mum and dad for granted, tall hedges, coping with snow, grandchildren who fail to say thank you , etc etc etc.. I could go on.
Everybody likes a moan from time to time, but as som body pointed out a few weeks ago, there sometimes are not a lot of smiles on GN threads .

I am upset to think there are still so many who feel we should suck up the pain, for the sake of their heavily-papered view of the world around them

Are there?