Relationships are they so awful?

I have been dipping in to Mumsnet a few times recently and the plethora of difficult relationships would make your hair stand on end. There are many posts from young women (either with or without children) who are concerned as to whether their relationship is normal - should they leave? - is this behaviour acceptable?

I am amazed by two things: one is the sense of entitlement to happiness that some harbour; and the other is the need to ask others if some behaviour of their partners is OK, and it betrays an enormous lack of self-confidence and a nervousness about saying no to things they are unhappy about.

How I hate that advert that says "Because you're worth it"! - not a very successful advert as I cannot remember what the product is!

We are all aware of the vulnerability of children from about 10 onwards to sexting and pornography and how this is distorting their thoughts and development.

It saddens me to read how vulnerable some of the posters are to being swayed in one direction or another by so-called pundits or "fads" in relation to their childcaring and their relationships.

Of course I do remember that there were "fads" when we were young - Bowlby and his theories of attachment were set up to make us feel guilty and many of us took the bait. But I do remember that most of my contemporaries felt pretty clear about what they thought was right or wrong and felt no need to ask others - or maybe they would have done if Mumsnet had been available then - who knows?

There are of course many erudite and sensible posters there as well - and lots of refreshing humour! Lots of tired Mums who get enormous support from their fellows on the site, which is brilliant. It may be that those whose family relationships are dysfunctional are overly represented on the site (and this one?) because they are the ones seeking help.

The use of this sort of site is an interesting phenomenon and I cannot help speculating as to what might have happened if they had been available to us all those years ago.

I think we are so damned lucky to have our freedom, thanks to people like my father and mother who lived through the blitz, and went to war so that we could live the lives we do.
Honestly we should be grateful to have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and the wonderful NHS.
Get a grip and be grateful for what you DO have, and deal with it!

I think it has always been there. I remember my Mum talking to next door neighbour/friend & various other people around us about difficult relationship with her mum - who lived just a stone's throw away & was always 'popping in'.I don't think I was supposed to hear but I did. She also had problems with her brother & sister in law & wasn't mad about Dad's father either.Both her cousins were odd & only tolerated at times. Looking back I think Mum was probably hard work herself! I'm sure they all had things to complain about her behaviour as well. I also remember hearing Nanny complaining about Mum so it was 2 way ( I must have been a very quiet child to overhear all this but they did all talk a lot) I was an only child & she drove me potty in later life too although she was a loving mum. No-one ever said a bad word about my long suffering Dad who was quiet & kind to everyone.Families can be tricky at the best on times. I am very lucky with my sons & dils & very thankful for it too..

Today's women are (in general, by and large, etc.) more self sufficient and thinking for themselves than ever before. And so it should be, our generation and others before us have fought for this right.
They speak their mind and expect to be listened to. Those daughters who previously went to 'stay with an aunt' and were forced to give up a baby just wouldn't stand for it these days.

Yes, life is different , easier in some ways, harder in others. Family dynamics are changing.

We have to accept that and move with the times and respect each other.

I think maybe it has become the norm to talk about family relationships and the like, but I can't imagine my grandmother ever presenting anything other than a perfect facade to the outside world no matter how hard life was behind her front door! Hers was not an era for airing ones dirty washing (think that is the phrase)

There have been many changes which affect family dynamics. My own children each went to university, and never actually lived at home again. When they married and had their own children, it was very different to what I experienced. They are several hundred miles away. Very different to how it was for me with my own family living in the same town, and being very involved with one another. This sort of "freedom" - for the want of a better word - inevitably brings change.

I think that people are a lot more educated these days regarding relationships, and the effect they have on extended family. Consequently they are less prepared to accept what they see as damaging behaviour. We are seeing this in the ongoing discussions regarding estranged parents/grandparents on both forums.

I agree with anniebach and Kittylester "Twas ever thus, " but perhaps we didn't make such a thing about it. And yes, some families did support each other, but there were also single mums who were ostracised, or "having" to get married, rivalries and feuds and cracks papered over for the sake of appearances. .
"Everyone was there supporting each other?" Not too sure and if they no longer rise to that challenge,my point is why not
The dominance of the "I'm worth it" culture, I suspect. . The "you owe it to yourself to be happy never mind who else gets hurt along the way philosophy.
Don't get me wrong, I did suggest the facility to have an anonymous rant, but oh dear, some of the issues!!
The question has been asked before, is this Grumpy Gransnet??

People have become more selfish, more concerned with having it all ,

It seems to me that worries are part of every family's make up, one way or another, and help make up the rich tapestry.

GN is a great place to let off steam about whatever (Mum and the Idiot, in my case!) and get a wide spectrum of opinion - like them or not. It saves boring the pants off friends yet again.

I don't consider my family to be dysfunction but there are peculiarities.

by smooth ride (which you have taken out of context Alea) I was referring to the smooth ride within the family unit! everyone was there supporting each other and thats not the case today.

When has family life ever been a smooth ride? Yes families gathered for Sunday tea but just how many did so without a groan . Pregnant daughters shunted off to homes and returned minus the baby , a wife couldn't even have her name on the rent book . Family life has always been a mix of highs and lows

Family life today is not a smooth ride like it used to be

Excuse me? Was it ever?
Poverty, (with little or no support from the State), an NHS which however much some complain, came into existence in 1948 and before which people died because they could not necessarily pay for a doctor's visit, the Death penalty, corporal punishment in schools (NOT connected!) world wars, education only for those who could afford it, the Depression, women who still died in childbirth, diseases like diphtheria and scarlet fever, housework without all the gadgets we take granted, male attitudes which kept many women in the home and denied girls higher education, oh and guess what, sickness divorce and death are not a 21st century invention.

Who are you kidding?

My family has always been dysfunctional. I don't remember it ever having been any other way. Looking back at my family history I get the impression it was dysfunction in previous generations too. Perhaps some families just don't know what it is to be anything like the Waltons because for generations they've never really got on.

My mum is off with me. My gran was worse to my mum. I tried to break the circle but I took it too far. I wanted my girls to rely on each other. I succeeded in this as they're very close but they block out everyone else including me. It's not that they're unfriendly or uncaring. They just don't need me. But then why do I have this need to be needed? Do I want to be needed? What's it like to be needed?
See, I'm dysfunctional too

And if you think this sounds dysfunctional don't get me started on DH's family

I dont think we expect too much I think we base family life on our own family life growing up, I lived in a very close knit family all in the same town so I was very lucky. Everyone seemed to visit everyone and of course there was the weekly tea at grans every Sunday ( just like the Waltons) lol Today families move away mainly because of work and they all seem so very busy getting on with their own lives. I dont know if families think its a competition to be better than their siblings and then jealousy seeps in followed by the rows ( the Mitchells) Perhaps theres too much interference from family members, kids grow up they get married and move on some parents just cant let go.

It is a good outlet to vent on line, no one knows who you are and its easier venting to a stranger moreso if there is a problem within the family unit and you have no one to vent to. Yes it can be deppressing reading but you dont have to read it. It also helps venting to someone who understands and who is going through the same thing.

Family life today is not a smooth ride like it used to be.

I have seen loads of Pollyanna posts! Maybe folk just opt for the grim ones to check if their life is either worse or better! Therefore lending it legitimacy!!!!

There certainly seem to be lots of 'expectations' lately, in fact it can be quite difficult to find any amusing threads on GN these days, which is what I used to like about it. I'm sure most of us have happy family lives, maybe it is momentary venting of upsets here. It's great if you have friends you can let off steam to, but I guess not everybody is so lucky.

Alea, I am of the same opinion as yourself in many ways.

"Do we expect too much? " This IMO, is the root of so many of those complaining about all sorts of things. If you expect too much, you WILL be disappointed.

Also as Alea says, those of us that are satisfied with our lot, tend not to say so.

Embrace your blessings and try to ignore the rest.

I think you're on to something with the last part of your post Alea. People don't post 'arent my family wonderful' or even 'ok' maybe for fear of being seen as smug or, perish the thought, boring! Maybe its only when there's a problem that people post? Either looking for ideas to address problems or just reassurance that its not just them? Don't know but its an interesting issue to raise.