A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

Wow, some really interesting insights there, many that hadn't crossed my mind.

All we know is, our friend has been a lot happier for a while. It's been noticeable that his life seems to be richer these days. Apparently he has now turned one of the bedrooms into a hobbies room and has joined clubs. He told us he's also taken a patch of the garden and turned it into the vegetable plot he's always wanted.He said he had to keep the garden as his wife wanted it. I suppose he is doing his own thing now and (perhaps) is beginning to find himself.

He revealed his secret and said it was a relief to speak about it at last. He isn't a vindictive or spiteful man. He is very mild mannered and easygoing. All I can think of is that maybe the worm has turned and he is going into retirement as the man that (may have) been repressed for most of his life.

I have been chatting on the phone with the two women friends who were with me and we really don't know what to make of it. They think he is right to tell his son the truth. We are seeing him again next month when we have a get-together.

I get the feeling he is going into his new life as a free man, his authentic self, and that is such a good thing to do. I expect many of us know the strange freedom that ageing brings. Things that used to seem important no longer do and you do your own thing, not comparing yourself with others and not really caring about what people think of you. It's a strange sort of liberation and I wonder if being honest with his boy has come from that? I have no idea if this is a sort of kick-back at his late wife. Although she wasn't particularly nice to him, (he says) he stuck it out to the end.

I didn't get the impression that he wanted to hurt his son at all. He did mention they have grown apart, but most of us have some distance between us and our adult offspring because they have lives of their own and may have moved away. He did say his son rarely gets in touch and doesn't enquire much about how he is getting on. He tends to be the one who has to check that his son is OK.

I get the impression he wants to get his life sorted out, but I agree that springing a shock on his son because he needs to get it off his chest might be selfish. On the other hand, why have his son live a lie, and why should he go into retirement carrying this secret?

If there is an option, my mantra is to go for the kindest one. Is it kind to tell his son the truth? Part of me says yes, part of me wonders how the son will react. It could actually be a good thing for both of them, or the truth could devastate the son. The truth can also liberate. What a cleft stick of a problem!

Just so thatbag, we do not know

A promise that is extracted from someone under threat/bullying is not a promise.

Anyway, all that was just speculation on my part. We don't know if it ever happened.

A promise is a promise , what is a promise which isn't a proper promise

The man may have kept quiet up to now because of a promise bullied out of him by his late wife. Perhaps he's now seeing the injustice of that and realising that it wasn't a proper promise so he isn't restricted by it.

I just feel the young man has a right to know his history, and it is, after all "HIS" history, and knowing where we come from does matter. The man who brought him up has obviously done a grand job over the years, and I think for both the man and the son, the truth needs to be told, perhaps it will create a stronger bond, perhaps not, but for the man's sake I think the story needs to be out in the open.

I have had another thought about this. As it wasn't a happy marriage I wonder with the passing of time the husband wants to say " your mother wasn't the wonderful person you think she was". Regardless I still think he should be told the truth in a calm and reasoned way. As so often happens I think the son has his suspicions.

I agree with roses that there doesn't have to be a biological link for a man to be a father. We have 2 examples in our family. But if the truth comes out later how will the 'son' feel about his 'father' having lived a lie for so long.

That argument only holds if one assumes that the knowledge will 'hurt' the son. He might find that the knowledge increases his respect for the man who helped bringnhim up in a secure home, and he might, as well as curiosity about his biological father (which in itself won't do him any harm) think his biological father must have been a jerk.

There's no way of knowing what effect the knowledge will have on the son.

I wouldn't assume either that the adoptive father has negative reasons for wanting to tell his 'son' the truth about his biological family. That's something else we can only guess at.

Which leaves the questions - was he a married man , is he still married, and why after seven years is there the desire to tell all. It seems the husband disliked his wife , is this hitting back at her by hurting her son? This isn't a criticism of the husband,

The colleague of Day6 may have been told by his wife who the real father was.

We just do not know the real reason why he wants to tell the son, he has waited seven years , why now

Too right roses my own sons biological (late) father was never a father to him at all . He was always referred to as "the sperm donor " .

I think the fact that he has told you means that he really wants the truth to be out there, I think he probably hopes that you will encourage and support him when he tells his son. If he wanted to keep it secret he wouldn't have told you.

I agree fully Rosesarered, there also the fact that he will lose his father but have to accept his mother has lied to him

Being a Father means more than just being a biological Father( which means zilch in itself.)

Why do people always want the truth?The Father ( the adoptive one) needs to think about this carefully.If he tells his son, the relationship will change for ever.
is he prepared for this? What about the son and his feelings? his Mother has died and all he has at the moment is his Father.If his real Father is not on the scene then it won't even be helpful for future medical conditions.I would say nothing if he values his relationship with his son.

To all intents and purposes, this gentleman has been a "dad" to this boy, even though it is said the relationship is not close. The fact that this gentleman's wife was abusive and unappreciative is not the son's fault. There are, I'm sure, many father/son relationships that are not especially close but nevertheless your parentage is part of your identity and just because this person is not the "biological" father he is, in the true sense, his "real" dad.

I can understand this gentleman perhaps feeling that if the son is made aware of the true situation he may appreciate all that his "dad" has done for him. I don't think this is the correct motivation for revealing the truth - and it will not necesarily bring forth gratitude.

I think the son has a right to know the truth for a number of reasons - not least because people need to know of any hereditary health issues - and there is a possibility that at some stage the truth will come out anyway. But I feel that such a revelation should be made sensitively and with love - for the benefit of the son, not in order to possibly discourage any requests he may make for money.

You obviously know this chap quite well and we cannot so it's a very difficult one but he must be an unusually forgiving and dutiful man to marry a woman who was pregnant by another, give the child his name and live in abusive relationship for over 20 years! He has brought the boy up as his own presumably, so I would guess that only he can really know why he is considering telling him the truth now.

A similar situation to the archbishop of Canterbury, though the man he thought was his father was a bit of a rogue and the biological father was a hero. Has the archbishop written about his feelings on hearing the news? It might help the friend of Day6 to decide. I can't think what I would do.

The determining factor to me would be whether anyone knows who the biological father is. If they do, then I think the son should be told the truth. He may want to get in touch with his birth family and he's being denied this opportunity.

But if his father is unknown, I'd be in favour of letting sleeping dogs lie. To have his father, or the man he thinks is his father, taken away from him seems at the very least unkind and I don't see what can be gained by it. There may never be any medical implications - in the rare event that something does crop up, it can be dealt with at the time.

And if he doesn't know ? What if the news devastates him ?

Bear in mind that this link is from the daily express!

www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/583229/Father-s-Day-children-dads-affairs-survey-statistics

Also, women sometimes marry the safe, dependable, good husband material sort of guy but are attracted to the 'bit of rough'.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1211104/Think-men-unfaithful-sex-A-study-shows-WOMEN-biggest-cheats--theyre-just-better-lying-it.html

I agree with those who say the young man should be told. The genetic influence on mental and physical health is indisputable. It may improve the relationship between what has been a father son relationship. Who knows it may help both of them to acknowledge the emotional distance between them. It's possible the young man's mother may have told him the truth

I agree with Nelliemoser. As a retired midwife I know it happens.

I personally think the skeleton should be locked back in the cupboard!!