A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

If the relationship is not one of love and not even close I think he should be told. It may give the "son " an insight into his childhood and the relationship between his parents. He can seek out his biological father if he wishes.

I agree with ann.

What an awful shock it would be for the son. I don't really see how he could find his biological father - what information does he have? It seems there is none. Unless, of course, his mother told her husband who it was when they married. Otherwise I can't imagine what he has to go on. After all, his birth certificate states that his 'father' is his real father.
Even so, I think the son has a right to know the truth. What a terrible dilemma

I think the same as ann and kitty. It could be important if the son has any future health issues - genetic conditions etc. It may even be the case that he already has suspicions about his parentage.

Isn't it just Indinana.

I think we decided the 'boy' was old enough to be told the truth. Living a lie isn't right but hurting someone with the truth is also hard to do. Even as adults we can be thrown and left bewildered and confused.

I am not sure what is right in this situation. I think you'd also feel very guilty if you let sleeping dogs lie, in this case.

That's a good point MiniMouse. I hadn't thought of the genetic information that might be important.

We've seen them together often at work events and socials. This was a few years ago when his wife was alive. The boy looks NOTHING like his father. The son is short, blonde haired and quite stocky. He has a pale complexion and we commented that he did take after his mother. The father is very tall, dark haired and of a more Mediterranean, olive skin. Even their natures/characters are very different. It really is obvious, now that we know, that they aren't related. It's come as a shock to us. Cannot imagine how the boy would feel if he found out.

Our colleague told us his son knows he will get a lump sum in the summer when he retires and has already asked him if he will buy him a motor bike so he has transport to get around London. He has made overtures too about being given some money as a deposit on a flat, even though he was given money of his own seven years ago from his mother's will. I don't think he is grasping or scheming, but he was given most things he wanted when his mother was alive. He expects the same from his father.

We are feeling a bit prickly on our colleague's behalf now.

I don't think one can assume that being told the truth would necessarily be an awful shock for the young man. A shock, yes, but not necessarily awful. He might even be glad to discover that his mother's forebearing husband is not his biological father, and it might jolt him into greater respect for his adoptive father.

It's also important to look at it from the adoptive father's point of view. That he was relieved to share the information with colleagues (at last!), suggests to me that it has been quite a load for him to carry. I think he has a right to offload.

My mum (and dad) met a couple while my mum was having her regular dialysis. Like my mum the gentleman was a long term dialysis patient and whilst he was a lot younger than my mum he was also very poorly. He was on the transplant list and had waited several years with no prospect of receiving a kidney any time soon. The son then decided he would consider making a living donation although the mum was extremely reluctant. He had various tests done and the surgeon had to break the news that there was no match as the son and father were not related. The mother never attended the dialysis sessions with her husband again.

Assuming the biological father is known

Gosh, what a way to find out gillybob

The son is the innocent one in this lie, the parents made the decision to lie to the son so why rock his world now . He may be demanding but he was always allowed to be , why should the fathers feelings be placed above the sons

Awful Indiana the poor guy used to pour his heart out to my mum and dad and really had no idea at all.

I think the son should be told. How to go about it is a very difficult question. It may be that deep down this "boy" knows there is something different about his relationship with the man he thinks of as his father.

The question for me would be, does anyone have an inkling who the genetic father might be? If no one knows it makes the whole situation much more complicated.
It would depend on what the boy might know than he is letting on.
Are there any relatives on his mum's side who knows the "secret". A bit of family research might help.
But whether or not to tell or wait for someone to ask I could not decide.

The mum started this problem by making it a secret to start with. I feel sorry for the lot of them.

The son should know - it would be much worse if he found out in a way similar to the son in Gillybob's comment. And it's not just about the son, it's about his children/grandchildren. My sister is adopted and it took her many years to find her biological parents. One of the most important reasons she had for finding them was to find out if there were any potential health issues, and it turned out that there is one. She has been able to put some actions in place to reduce the effects this might have on her future health, and so have her children. It's also explained some of her personality traits for her and helped her (and the rest of the family) understand herself better.

Having said all that, it is much more difficult if there is no information about the biological father. However, once the son knows the situation, he might be able to request a complete medical assessment to find out if there are any underlying health issues. Not sure if this would be available on the NHS?

As an aside there must be many children around whose fathers are not who they think they are, but never get discovered.

Appearance is not a reliable guide. My son looks nothing like me or my husband but he is the image of my maternal grandfather and my mum clearly looks like her father.

I agree that appearance is not a reliable guide to parentage Nelliemoser my DD and I have nothing whatsoever in common and we would never be picked out as mother and daughter. She looks nothing like her late father either and I often wonder if they switched the babies in the hospital.

I agree with Nelliemoser. As a retired midwife I know it happens.

I personally think the skeleton should be locked back in the cupboard!!

I agree with those who say the young man should be told. The genetic influence on mental and physical health is indisputable. It may improve the relationship between what has been a father son relationship. Who knows it may help both of them to acknowledge the emotional distance between them. It's possible the young man's mother may have told him the truth

Bear in mind that this link is from the daily express!

www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/583229/Father-s-Day-children-dads-affairs-survey-statistics

Also, women sometimes marry the safe, dependable, good husband material sort of guy but are attracted to the 'bit of rough'.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1211104/Think-men-unfaithful-sex-A-study-shows-WOMEN-biggest-cheats--theyre-just-better-lying-it.html

And if he doesn't know ? What if the news devastates him ?

The determining factor to me would be whether anyone knows who the biological father is. If they do, then I think the son should be told the truth. He may want to get in touch with his birth family and he's being denied this opportunity.

But if his father is unknown, I'd be in favour of letting sleeping dogs lie. To have his father, or the man he thinks is his father, taken away from him seems at the very least unkind and I don't see what can be gained by it. There may never be any medical implications - in the rare event that something does crop up, it can be dealt with at the time.

A similar situation to the archbishop of Canterbury, though the man he thought was his father was a bit of a rogue and the biological father was a hero. Has the archbishop written about his feelings on hearing the news? It might help the friend of Day6 to decide. I can't think what I would do.