A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

In fairness Faye, he was never very critical of his ex wife although I completely agree with you that running down your spouse to others isn't good form and it means nothing, as we can never really know what happens behind closed doors.

I only met her a few times and she was definitely a force to be reckoned with. She was loud and bubbly and didn't mince her words. However, that description could also be true of many of us I expect! . My ex colleague always was a fairly quiet, gentle man. He was very industrious and when I think about things he was often the one to look for a positive spin on workplace dilemmas/upsets. He was also kind and would go out of his way to help others with lifts and changing his days off to make life easier for someone who needed the day more than he did. he provided a shoulder for me to cry on once and has never broken that confidence, as far as I know.

I get the feeling he's found himself a bit more, out of necessity maybe, since he lost his wife. It was nice to see him feeling so energised and full of plans. Perhaps his impending retirement is the reason. Our little group is meeting again next week for lunch and I am keen to find out what he's done in the meantime regarding his son.

The way a lot of young people behave nowadays, going to be tricky for a lot of offspring to know the truth.

One more thing, I am always very suspicious of men who run their ex wives down, in this case, late wife. Who knows if this man's wife was so awful, it is very common for these saintly men to have abusive wives. Don't believe everything you are told, this colleague could have been abusive to his wife and she might have stood up for herself, so therefore he calls her abusive. He can say what he likes, she is not here and can't defend herself.

A decent man would never speak of his late wife like this man has. He doesn't sound saintly to me, he sounds passive aggressive. He is also weak, too scared to tell his son the truth. Everyone has a right to know, his descendants have the right to know who their ancestors were. The adoptive son might be very happy to know this man is not his father.

LuckyLegs I agree adopted children should be told as soon as possible, this young man is in his 30s so they have missed that boat already.

His mother is dead and he can't ask her about it, he might never be able to contact his biological father if no one knows who he is or if he has moved on or if he has died so I can't see the point. Other people might feel differently but I guess we are all likely to be influenced by our history. I know that young woman who was conceived by donor insemination was caused real anguish by her need to know something that she could never find out. I think she finally came to terms with it in her 40s but she had struggled for over 20 years. To be honest with you it was painful to listen to her but she was so obsessed by it that people did tend to lose sympathy eventually. It was sad.

My grandfather used to say 'It's a wise child who knows their own father'. A lot.
I'm now wondering why!

I think the saying is a wise child, not man.

Helpful?

It's a wise man who knows his own father.

Grannytomine, that young woman conceived by donor insemination, how very sad but understandable. I think it a normal human reaction to want to know where we come from, even if we might not like it. That is why I think the child or potential child's needs should always be considered before your own. I know a few adoptive children, who have been told as soon as they could understand, about their biological family and dealt with it well, after all they were chosen and were definately loved and wanted so always felt as much wanted as any other child.

grannytomine, I'm guessing the adoptive father knows the identity of the birth father. But I could be wrong. There again there are so many blended families these days, genes are probably already being stirred up in one big incestuous pot.

nina59, what if no one knows who the father is? The mother is deceased and it isn't on his birth certificate. Do you think he should never have a relationship just in case? I know a woman conceived by donor insemination and this fear blighted her life and stopped her having a relationship. When you think of how many people there are in the world it must be a very small chance, don't you think?

Christinefrance, yes I agree to say I'm not helping because I'm not your birth father would be awful. The son needs to learn to stand on his own feet but that isn't anything to do with genes.

Grannytomine you are so right in what you say about parenting. I always cringe when I hear birth parents described as ' real ' parents.
As an adopted child myself I think the man should be told of his birth father but advice should be taken on the best way to do this. It should not be a case of I'm not helping you any more because I'm not your birth father.

a boy at my daughter's school only found out he was adopted because of a biology lesson on genetics. Something to do with the colour of his and his parents' eyes. Rather a shock for everyone at the time.

What if the biological father has had more children and the son starts a relationship with one of them unknowing of who he really is? For this reason alone, the truth, no matter how unpalatable it may be, needs to be told.
As for the husband, he sounds like a saint. He may well have been but surely there have been other opportunities to tell the son the truth before now? With his mother dead, he can't visit her for all those details she never revealed.

The young man should know the truth, do not believe it is the right thing for anyone to live with such a lie. It is his birthright and up to him where he goes from there. If his biological father has a sound marriage his wife will stand by him, if he loves the man he calls dad the same. He should have been told from when he was old enough to understand, like adoptive children should be.

rosesarered, yes that saying is very appropriate.

FarNorth, exactly and he lost his mother when he was very young so it would be a hard blow to deal with.

The young man must stop seeing his father as a bank, as Day6 says, but that should not be connected to his being told of his true parentage.
How hurtful it would be to say, in effect, I won't give you any money because you are not really my son. That would leave the son feeling doubly rejected, and as if he has only been told the truth as an excuse for his father to stop giving him financial help.

It's a wise child that knows it's own Father!

This man is the father, he took on that responsibility over 30 years ago, there is alot more to being a father than the act of procreation and this man seems to have fulfilled all of them with that one exception.

I don't see what money has to do with it, if they were biologically related would it somehow make it OK for him to be asking for money but because he was accepted as his son he is less entitled (not entitled at all but a blood link wouldn't make him entitled either.)

How many men have brought up another man's child without knowing? I think its too late now, could be very traumatic to discover this in your 30s and what good would it do?

I have to say that everything I have read here in reply makes perfect sense to me. Whether for the son being told or not, al the reasons you've given have struck a chord.

As mentioned, it's a dreadful dilemma for my friend, and it's going to come as quite a shock to the son if he does tell him the truth.

There are very good reasons to tell the son, good reasons for my former co-worker to tell him, but the opposite also has to be considered too.

I think it's interesting that some of you say a secret is often shared. I bet some of the boy's REAL relatives know the truth, and it could come out I daresay. The son might find out from someone else, in which case it would be better to get the truth from the man he assumed was his father.

Personally, I hate lies and deception. I even find it difficult to tell a white lie. I really feel two rather thoughtless adults didn't think this through when they agreed to keep the truth from their son. That angers me a bit. I feel the young man should have gone into adulthood knowing the truth. I have lost some sympathy for my co-worker because of this. Often you have to summon up the courage to do what is right.

However, he is a genuinely nice bloke. I think he was far too soft for his own good as far as his overbearing wife was concerned. He allowed this deceit to run. He should have talked it over with his wife long ago, or perhaps it just didn't occur to him that the boy needed to know.

The freedom he is enjoying now as a widower is tangible. We are meeting again for lunch, in June, as a group. I must say I am VERY glad he didn't tell me alone. I can chat with the others he's told. It really is his problem though and only he can decide what to do. If he does tell his son the truth I hope he handles it sensitively, and yes, this young man, old enough to support himself, must stop seeing his father as a bank.

grandmattie . I too was my husband's second wife. There were no children from his first marriage and our children were always aware that Dad had been married before I came on the scene. They have very little interest in his 'previous', in fact I don't think any of them have ever asked anything about it. It just doesn't bother them.
The question Day6 poses is a very difficult one to even comment on; I can see reasons both for and against but couldn't begin to come down on one side or the other. A terrible dilemma for the poor man.

I hope you keep us posted on any developments in this story, day6.

That's another concern - the trust factor. How will the son feel to know he was lied to all these years? Does your C care?

I know someone who was adopted but not told about it until 30+ years old.
The relationship between this person and the parents has never been the same since.
Trust has gone.

Sorry, sperm doner. Predictive text strikes again.