Difficult relationship with daughter

I feel so connected with.this thread I had an emotionally neglected childhood and at times feel the censure from my daughter who loves her Grandma.I am at times feeling that I am being marginalised .I am trying to decide if having a. Plan not to discuss my mother with her and the poker face idea sounds a good one .I n self defence I have distanced my self from my mum and only share any negative feelings with my son who understands.

I agree Luckylegs, I too regret not getting on with my life a lot sooner than I did when my daughter went NC. Yesterday was her youngest son's 3rd birthday, my DGS, but obviously, I didn't get to see him or even to send a present or a card because she has told me not to. It has been 10 years since she left home for university and she went NC a few times, using the children against me too, so it took some time to come to terms with. Although I do feel so hurt sometimes that I feel I will never love and trust again. It is hard to have loses in my life and is bad enough to lose the older generation, not the babies by being not allowed to see me as though I am some sort of ogre. I hope my daughter was proud of herself yesterday. I haven't seen him for 2 years.

You are welcome, wish I could offer a solution but the truth is I can't. I have had to accept a way of life I would have thought unacceptable, but I have found that along the way I kind of lost myself, now I am doing things for me and I quite like it. I don't think in the end we can alter anyone's behaviour as much as we love them, so have to accept that this is how it will be for now and not going to waste nymore time, not getting any younger. I regret hanging on as long as I did in fact, but it takes a lot if courage admitting defeat as we want everything to be right. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice Luckylegs9 it's appreciated. I think sadly I am quite weak as a person and definitely as a parent. Both my children saw things they shouldn't have done. My daughter won't let go of the past, even though I have said nothing can change it. The ball is definitely is in her court and she will punish me by not letting me see my granddaughter. I'm devastated but know ultimately I too have to get on with life. My saving grace is my son, he has never ever mentioned the past and I have a good relationship with him and his partner. It's just very sad.

Thank you to everyone!

If you have talked to her and done all you can, it is unfortunately up to her how she want your relationship to go. Try not to let this affect your self esteem any more, rise above it if you can and remain calm under provocation, if she wants to stop you seeing your grandchild, This is a way of punishing you. You cannot alter the past, if she won't let the past go, there is nothing you can do, but do not take abuse, it becomes a way of life in the end.

Thank you Nonnie1

Thank you so much Nonnie1. I think you are absolutely right here. My mum is a big influence on my daughter and competes with me. Has in the past gone out of her way to tell my daughter things about me that no mother should be discussing with her granddaughter. So in the answer to your question my mother has never supported me. Even when my ex husband was physically violent to me my mother took his side. The sad thing is I'm an only child and feel total rejection by my parents which has affected me all my life.

She wants to blame you because she is hurting. I'm sending you a cyber hug right now.

Thank you for the advice. DAU means daughter I'm New to this site so apologise for confusion.

I have apologised several times told how upset it makes me feel when I left her dad what it did to them both. I tried to explain to her the situation I was in at the time and why I had to leave. But she doesn't want to listen just to blame.

I have also got her to have counselling, sorted number out and made sure she called it. She has been having counselling six months but not sure at present if it is helping her. I feel heartbroken that things are the way they are but I also have to protect myself too as I can't cope either.

Vinteagenanna, I was heartbroken reading your story.

I think everyone has their own 'take' on what has happened in the past, and sometimes you refuse to change your opinion because you know you are not a liar, and perhaps your children were influenced by their father, but being like that creates a 'stalemate'

Where does your mother stand in all of this? Surely she has seen what happened and will support you, or is she a part of the problem that exists now?

My heart goes out to you. I understand what rejection does to a person. It makes them feel as if they are unimportant, and self esteem is low at all times.

I think you have to look outside of the box you are in and try to look at this from another angle.

Don't let anything said turn into a confrontation. Keep your counsel and don't ask anything.

You were hurt because she snubbed you and she would know that, so in asking about it you have played right into her hands.

Remember, your children are always your children and even as grown ups they still play childish tit for tat games with their parents.

You are the adult here. If this were a game of poker, and you had a bad hand I suggest the good use of a 'poker face'

Don't let them win. Raise your head up and stop asking questions for one thing. One thing you could do is offer to help whenever the situation arises, and if you are met with abuse, don't play into their hands by getting upset.

I honestly can't think of anything else, except to say make a positive out of a lot of negativity.

Bless you x

(I expect it means daughter, Daddima).

Vintage, this is such a sad tale

Sounds like your daughter would benefit from counselling/therapy, just as you have done.

I agree with Tricia - apologise, say how much you long for a close relationship and ask her what you can do to make things better between you.

Is this something you could do?

What does DAU mean?

It sounds as if her call today was a sort of apology. Sometimes the only way out of a situation like this is to apologise yourself, even though you feel justified in your previous reaction. With no further attempt to explain.
But cool down first.
I do this with my husband btw, can't bear to fall out with people.