Difficult relationship with daughter

It sounds as if her call today was a sort of apology. Sometimes the only way out of a situation like this is to apologise yourself, even though you feel justified in your previous reaction. With no further attempt to explain.
But cool down first.
I do this with my husband btw, can't bear to fall out with people.

What does DAU mean?

(I expect it means daughter, Daddima).

Vintage, this is such a sad tale

Sounds like your daughter would benefit from counselling/therapy, just as you have done.

I agree with Tricia - apologise, say how much you long for a close relationship and ask her what you can do to make things better between you.

Is this something you could do?

Vinteagenanna, I was heartbroken reading your story.

I think everyone has their own 'take' on what has happened in the past, and sometimes you refuse to change your opinion because you know you are not a liar, and perhaps your children were influenced by their father, but being like that creates a 'stalemate'

Where does your mother stand in all of this? Surely she has seen what happened and will support you, or is she a part of the problem that exists now?

My heart goes out to you. I understand what rejection does to a person. It makes them feel as if they are unimportant, and self esteem is low at all times.

I think you have to look outside of the box you are in and try to look at this from another angle.

Don't let anything said turn into a confrontation. Keep your counsel and don't ask anything.

You were hurt because she snubbed you and she would know that, so in asking about it you have played right into her hands.

Remember, your children are always your children and even as grown ups they still play childish tit for tat games with their parents.

You are the adult here. If this were a game of poker, and you had a bad hand I suggest the good use of a 'poker face'

Don't let them win. Raise your head up and stop asking questions for one thing. One thing you could do is offer to help whenever the situation arises, and if you are met with abuse, don't play into their hands by getting upset.

I honestly can't think of anything else, except to say make a positive out of a lot of negativity.

Bless you x

Thank you for the advice. DAU means daughter I'm New to this site so apologise for confusion.

I have apologised several times told how upset it makes me feel when I left her dad what it did to them both. I tried to explain to her the situation I was in at the time and why I had to leave. But she doesn't want to listen just to blame.

I have also got her to have counselling, sorted number out and made sure she called it. She has been having counselling six months but not sure at present if it is helping her. I feel heartbroken that things are the way they are but I also have to protect myself too as I can't cope either.

She wants to blame you because she is hurting. I'm sending you a cyber hug right now.

Thank you so much Nonnie1. I think you are absolutely right here. My mum is a big influence on my daughter and competes with me. Has in the past gone out of her way to tell my daughter things about me that no mother should be discussing with her granddaughter. So in the answer to your question my mother has never supported me. Even when my ex husband was physically violent to me my mother took his side. The sad thing is I'm an only child and feel total rejection by my parents which has affected me all my life.

Thank you Nonnie1

If you have talked to her and done all you can, it is unfortunately up to her how she want your relationship to go. Try not to let this affect your self esteem any more, rise above it if you can and remain calm under provocation, if she wants to stop you seeing your grandchild, This is a way of punishing you. You cannot alter the past, if she won't let the past go, there is nothing you can do, but do not take abuse, it becomes a way of life in the end.

Thank you for the advice Luckylegs9 it's appreciated. I think sadly I am quite weak as a person and definitely as a parent. Both my children saw things they shouldn't have done. My daughter won't let go of the past, even though I have said nothing can change it. The ball is definitely is in her court and she will punish me by not letting me see my granddaughter. I'm devastated but know ultimately I too have to get on with life. My saving grace is my son, he has never ever mentioned the past and I have a good relationship with him and his partner. It's just very sad.

Thank you to everyone!

You are welcome, wish I could offer a solution but the truth is I can't. I have had to accept a way of life I would have thought unacceptable, but I have found that along the way I kind of lost myself, now I am doing things for me and I quite like it. I don't think in the end we can alter anyone's behaviour as much as we love them, so have to accept that this is how it will be for now and not going to waste nymore time, not getting any younger. I regret hanging on as long as I did in fact, but it takes a lot if courage admitting defeat as we want everything to be right. Good luck.

I agree Luckylegs, I too regret not getting on with my life a lot sooner than I did when my daughter went NC. Yesterday was her youngest son's 3rd birthday, my DGS, but obviously, I didn't get to see him or even to send a present or a card because she has told me not to. It has been 10 years since she left home for university and she went NC a few times, using the children against me too, so it took some time to come to terms with. Although I do feel so hurt sometimes that I feel I will never love and trust again. It is hard to have loses in my life and is bad enough to lose the older generation, not the babies by being not allowed to see me as though I am some sort of ogre. I hope my daughter was proud of herself yesterday. I haven't seen him for 2 years.

I feel so connected with.this thread I had an emotionally neglected childhood and at times feel the censure from my daughter who loves her Grandma.I am at times feeling that I am being marginalised .I am trying to decide if having a. Plan not to discuss my mother with her and the poker face idea sounds a good one .I n self defence I have distanced my self from my mum and only share any negative feelings with my son who understands.

Vintage, I read your post and wanted to respond because your situation is similar to my own. Sadly, some families just have no ability to move their thinking higher. They can't communicate and unfortunately, when the gains are all about controlling the love and affections of others, there are winners and losers. Your ex husband and your mother have played the game of control for such a long time that your daughter can't see through it. What's worse, she may not want to for fear of them disapproving which they most certainly would if it meant maintaining their control.
The best thing you can do is remove yourself from all the game playing and the major players including your mother. Just distance yourself from them completely. Get on with your own life and start looking for ways to evolve in yourself. For starters, you need to work on accepting and nurturing yourself as a worthwhile person. So far, you're getting repeat messages that you're some kind of loser and failure. This is not who you are. Take 6 months out from all of them. It's hard and you may have to discipline yourself to stay away from them but it's worth it because at the end of the 6 months, you'll have a new perspective. Invest in yourself, find something that you're good at and mix with people who make you feel good about yourself. While you're doing all of this, steer clear of your critical family members. Doing this will help you build higher self esteem levels and once you start valuing yourself more, which is an art after being treated like you're nothing for so long, you will be able to employ new skills, such as asserting yourself more. Avoid getting into the battle, 'he said, she said' It's just a rabble making noise. Stay out of it and don't even try and defend yourself, you can't when they're all up against you. Don't apologise if you know you're not wrong, it will keep you positioned as the doormat and they will simply carry on walking all over you.
Walk away until they can treat you like you're a human being. You deserve better. We all do. xxx

I'd like to echo everything that has been said to you Vintage. Everyone is singing from the same song-sheet here.

One thing I would like to say to you is that your children have to make their own way in the world and if this circle of negativity is allowed to carry on ad infinitum, it may well affect the way future generations view relationships, and that is not healthy.

I think if you can find something to do which takes up the majority of your waking thoughts, this family thing will stop dominating your life.

Also the point about your daughter not wanting to let her father or grandmother down is a valid one. If you release the pressure for her, you might start to feel some peace at last.

let her come to you, in her own time.

((Hugs))

Excellent advice Nonnie. It's true, the happiest families I see are those where generationally, everyone is included. This shows children how to value relationships with their wider family.

But it only takes one controlling, or bitter, jealous, angry, dominant family member to create the cancer that rips families apart with their malicious whispers, then you've got no option but to free yourself from being caught up in that net.
It's called alienation and you are being ostracised. Worse still, you're trying to fit back into a very hurtful and cruel situation for you.
If they don't want you in their lives, grant their wish. Go and fix yourself in the process. Recover from all that hurt you've gone through. Learn to be independent.
I know I make it sound so easy but I have gone through it and I've had to get away from it all to find out who I am under all their labelling.

You're not hurting anyone by leaving but you are hurting yourself by staying. Your daughter will come and find you if she wants to. Meanwhile before you let her back, make sure she treats you like a human being. Sending you a hug. xxxx

nina59 I think we are one and the same. I did exactly what you did and the day I let them all go was the day I started to live again.

Same here Nonnie. Very hard to do but very liberating too. xx

Also, when you step out of the situation, you eventually get a birds eye view where you can look down and see what's really going on. This is good because it helps you see thing things from a distance and shows you how to change yourself and start moving yourself towards people and situations that treat you better. It's habit breaking, pattern ending and transformative. xx

Thank you so much everyone who has responded. I'm in tears here, because I now feel I'm not alone and although very sad for us all, it's so nice to hear from people who empathize because they too have been through similar. I'm truly overwhelmed by your wise words and will take your advice and get on with my life. I haven't had a relationship with my parents for over two years I don't have any emotional attachment towards them and to be honest I feel so much better. I now definitely need to do this with my daughter it will be hard but I need to do it. I feel so sorry for my lovely partner he has told me the same as you all have, but it's hard hearing it from him. That's why I turned to gransnet for advice. I now feel so much better and will concentrate on my relationship and go and find myself. As I really don't know who I am anymore. Thank you again big hugs to you all.

Just to say Nonnie and Nina, my partner says he applauds you both 100% and says thank you x

Vintage, you're welcome. Your story mirrors my own. You'll never regret letting go of all the emotional hurt. The real 'you' will emerge in time and life will begin again. xxx

Glad to have been able to help. Been here in a roundabout way x

Oh, Vintage, my heart aches for you! It sounds as if you've been made a target by both your mother and your X and DAU has fallen into this pattern. (((Hugs)))

But I'm glad she's in counseling and maybe that's why she reached out. I wish you had simply accepted that instead of voicing your hurt (she already knew she hurt you, I'm sure - that's why she reached out). I understand why you did, but, unfortunately, it set things back. IMO, it would have been better to just say, "I don't want to fall out either, I love you," and not point any fingers, but oh well.

As for your past apologies, understandably they were filled with attempts to defend/explain yourself. Unfortunately, some people see these as "false apologies" and DAU might be among them (sigh).

But that means there's hope. If it's possible, I would reach out to apologize one more time, even if only by email - this time without the explanations (she knows those). Just a simple apology, saying you're sorry for the past, wish you could go back and change it (she knows you can't but may need to know you'd like to)and that you love her very much - that's all. See if/how she responds.

If she does what you did and starts telling you how you've hurt her, please don't freak out the way she did. Just listen and make supportive comments like, "That must have hurt" or "That's so sad" or even, "Awww honey..." - whatever rings true, but again, no defensiveness, as it will just backfire.

Beyond that, I agree with those who say to move on and with Nina's beautiful advice to nurture yourself. I just don't think you should give up hope for a relationship with DAU and GD till you try the SIMPLE apology.

More (((hugs!)))