Accused of favouritism in siblings

We always discuss any help we are giving either of our children with both of them. DS is married with children. DD is single and settled. We have found that being prepared to be open and accept at times one or other has a problem is the best way to deal with it.

They are now in their 40s and each has experienced times when we have helped one more than the other. DD has made it clear that any money given to help our two grandchildren is quite outside the system and needn't be discussed ever because as the next generation of the family and still children their needs come first with all of us.

Oh Diddy how lovely to hear-that isn't favouritism. That's doing the right thing supporting the ones that need help-good for you. If more families did this there wouldn't be so many problems.
My in laws had favourites-absolutely toxic even now, if it crops up, DH will say SHE had a bike, the rest of us didn't. And then SHE was left everything in MIL's will! Absolutely dreadful-confirmed what everyone had thought all along and left one sister in penury too.
I have one dear sister. If you asked us we will both say, definitely, that we were our father's favourite. I can't convince her I was his favourite and she can't convince me she was his favourite. We both honestly believe we were his favourite-how's that for good parenting? Unlike my awful in laws.
I do think you should ask your son why he feels this way, crownjules, so you can look him in the eye and reassure him. Do it before it's too late!
We have two daughters, as different as chalk and cheese, both successful but one def more wealthy than the other. It is our pleasure and delight to help out in any way we can while making it clear we love them both the same-and we make sure that's spelled out in our Wills too.

crownjules, I would write him a letter and give it to him in person.
And consider writing him a letter every year, so that he always has something to keep refering to.

Diddy, you haven't got a favourite, just helping the child that needs it. Your son and grandsons have got through all the bad stuff because you could help, those boys will go into the grown up world, knowing they were loved and they didn't have to go hungry or do without clothes. I bet your daughter is proud of you too. So well done.
Sometimes you do get on with one child more than another, but never let anyone know it. I have four grandchildren, one of them is just on my wavelength and it has always been easy. I have never let anyone know of course and treat them all the same, because believe me if I did t I would be reminded of it. The sad thing is now they are all grown up and I don't get to see them much.

I have two lovely children and I am proud of them both, I dont have a favourite as such, but I do help my Son more than my Daughter. My Daughter has all the money she could ever want, has two children and a happy Marriage, my Son has a broken marriage, and had lots of downfalls in his life, thankfully he and his ex get on very well, they have two children together. I have always helped them financially, and more so now they arent together, my Son has never had much money and I have always helped and will always do so, for the Grandchildrens sakes, I try to see they have the clothes they need, and even give my Son money so they have food at the end of the month, I sometimes have a guilty conscience about this, but my Daughter doesnt need anything, and I just help my Son and Grandchildren survive. My Son had a very bad nervous breakdown when he was 25 and it has taken until a few years back for him to fully recover, he is 43, and he can now work again, I am really proud of him, the way he has coped and is now on his feet again, he will never have lots of money,but he seems happier, and does everything he can for his boys, who are now 17 and 15, they havent had an easy life either, but I am hoping their future will be better.It is good to get this off my chest, as I dont have a favourite but I need to help out one family more than the other.Thank you for listening.

When any of my 3 adult offspring remark (in jest I hope) that "so and so" is favourite, my reply has always been that the favourite one is the one who's ill until he/she gets better and the one who's away until he/she comes home. Even grandchildren now know the mantra.

My parents, both now long gone, favoured my eldest, cleverest brother, my sister and I were the servants for want of a better word, then it was the turn of the youngest brother to be 'top dog' : for instance my father brought him a vehicle or several of them, (many years ago now) when he needed them whereas my sister and I were not allowed to even drive his car in case we dented it. Such is life.
As for grandchildren I have 4 , love them all, but one of them I have a better relationship with, one of my grandsons can be rather rude to me at times which I have to correct him for. He is only 10 years old.

NemosMum I agree. I don't think that there is any way that my sister and I could have grown up to get along given the extreme favouritism in our family. Toxic is definitely the word. She has always acknowledged that she is the favourite but thinks that it is perfectly reasonable and justified.
My father's favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister'.
I don't understand how parents can not know if they are showing favouritism.

NemosMum I am not sure I agree. Most of the sibling rivalries I have seen have been the result of parental favouritism or a misplaced belief in encouraging a competitive spirit between children. When siblings feel left out or unable to get their time in the sun, it is, generally, the parents they turn on rather than other siblings - as in this case. If parents parent well the result is usually a cohesive family unit that lasts often to old ager.

Many animals have litters of progeny at one birth event and some of those litters are quite large, which again would mitigate against your thesis.

We are biologically predisposed to see siblings as rivals, and there are good evolutionary reasons for this. Parental resources (including time and attention) are potentially diluted by every new sibling born, so it's not a surprise that siblings are often jealous of each other. However, we are not necessarily prisoners of these biological inclinations. Your son is jealous of his sister, who appears to be successful in all the usual ways. I agree with NanaandGrampy. Presumably you have never said to him "Look at how successful your sister is, why aren't you more like her". It is predicated on his own feelings about himself. Don't play the game, but show him that you love him in all the usual ways. Be genuine about it though: people with low self-esteem are particularly adept at identifying false compliments! I would be inclined to raise again the problem of your son's discomfort when you visit him, but don't harbour the thought that you can solve his problems for him. Adult children have to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Nonnie, I've now got a dog. Much happier. xxx

Both my sons say I favoured the other when they were young so I can only assume I was fairly even with my affections. As I always say to them- I loved the one most who was behaving well best at the time!

Has this only just come up? My 3 DSs have since they were quite young argued about who got the most attention. Eldest insists youngest got away with anything to which I reply "Of course he did by the time I had him I'd given up!" Youngest insists eldest is bossy and tells everyone what to do-I say "Well someone has to do it" Middle one insists he was always overlooked- "Just think of what you go away with". I wonder why your son is complaining now, has something happened in his life? Maybe some form of rejection that has left him feeling a bit down? Perhaps you could arrange to meet him somewhere neutral, a short holiday together might make you less uncomfortable.

Ugh! How awful for you, crownjules!

I agree with those who say praise him for his attributes whenever possible - his humor, his taste in clothes, his kind heart, whatever fits.

But, after a while, if he's still whining about favoritism, I'd do the once and for all thing that Lily recommends. I'd keep boosting his ego afterwards, but if he tried to go into any pity party again, I'd shut it down.

nina59

that was funny

My Husband told me that his Father had no favourites , he treated them all with equal contempt .

Sorry, which, not wich!

Coming from a family wich played the game of 'favourites and scapegoats' I have always made a real and vocal point of telling my children I love them equally and that I am lucky to have a boy and a girl so they cannot be directly compared in any way.

Still, they have been jealous of each other and played the 'I'm the favourite' game with each other. One is more academically successful and has a better paid job while the other has had a bit of a car crash youth and has had to put up with some cruel baiting from the 'good' one. My DH and I have made it quite clear that this is not acceptable.

It's really hard. My own sister is jealous of me (though she has everything that life cann offer and is years younger than me - and looks it!) and has been very hurtful and cruel towards me over the years because of her resentment.

Sibling rivalry can be toxic. I think you should sit down with your son and tell him unequivocally that he is not loved any less than your other child but that he must accept this as the final word and that he cannot keep coming back to the complaint that 'You love her more than me' as it is damaging and corrosive to your relationship together. You do not deserve to be put on the spot like this and disbelieved. He must grow up and accept your word.

I don't have favourite DSs or GC, though my adult GD keeps telling me that she's my favourite! I love them all dearly and they are all very different. Sometimes likeable and sometimes not but that doesn't stop me loving them.

crownjules in what way does your son make you feel guilty about planning a visit to your daughter?
Does he complain? Or ask when you'll be seeing him? Or what?

I used to be accused of the same. It's not true. I don't like either of them very much.

Being family is not a prerequisite for getting on, and you can't make them get on if they don't like each other... but when they start including you in the hate it's just them being childish ! That is unless you do have a favourite - then shame on YOU

f77ms mine get on well also but they try to play me off. I'm having none of that

Nonnie1 that's funny ! my 3rd son calls 4th son Golden boy but it is all in jest I hope . He also says that they are like the characters in the film "TWINS" if anyone remembers it , one was handsome tall and athletic , the other was Dannie DeVito ! I adore them both equally but they are complete opposites in all things , fortunately they get on very well .

My mother had favourites.. I know I have said this already on other threads .... and I was not one of them...

I have three children. They are all different. The oldest bosses me about, tells me I am cooking food wrong and pushes me out of the way, stirs the food and then smiles at me because he knows.. he is a bit of a control freak...

My other two are close. They are a bit like twins, and they call my oldest one "The Golden Boy". They say it laughingly but I know they mean it.. sometimes.. until one of them messes up and needs me either physically or monetarily..

It ain't true.

If any of them play that "he/she is the favourite, I tell them to fxxx off"

I'm the favourite these days.

My DH has always thought his mother loved him but preferred his younger brother. I can see how he thought that due to the way his mother always fussed around his brother. Many years later, MIL long passed and I can now see that what she was actually doing was making allowances for what could be perceived as her less than perfect younger son because she did not want others to think badly of him. All I am saying is that it is easy to misunderstand what other people are thinking and how they feel. I would go with the idea of firstly telling him you love him very much and wonder why exactly he feels the less favoured child.