Accused of favouritism in siblings

Have you asked him why he feels as he does?

Hi Anniebach

I did try asking him directly once and he got all embarrassed and said something along the lines of she's so perfect - why wouldn't she be your favourite? I can see it's jealousy to a degree but honestly he's equally perfect.

So it is not that he actively thinks she is your favourite, but that he feels he is not good enough for you to love him as much as you love your daughter. Now that is a very different problem and I think that you probably need to try and build and support his self esteem. There must be things that he is good at that his sister is not.

His sister may have everything that money can buy but you could hint at how much cosier his and his wife's house is because it is not so perfect. Is he better at DIY or washing up or something where you can say something like. 'I know I can always turn to you when I need........, your sister is useless at times like this'.

In my opinion it's his problem not yours . You know how you feel about them both and I'm sure you demonstrate your love to them both. So if he isn't feeling that love then maybe that's a little jealousy and insecurity on his part .

I have 2 daughters, they are very different people and I love both of them more than life itself. However I recognise they are both different people with differing needs so I do not treat them identically. That doesn't mean I favour one over the other but that I recognise them as individuals.

Maybe you need to say to him how you feel and how you feel about him. But if it is jealousy then he has to be able to deal with that himself.

This troubles me crownjules. We know your daughter is very successful , affluent, has a child which you applaud her for giving you a grandchild, can afford to pay you to visit her, all you say if your son is he is as funny as your daughter but makes jibes about his sister, I assume he is single because you visit him not them . His self esteem could be so low

In your position I would not say anything much, but would make a determined effort to demonstrate how much you love your son and how much he means to you.

I know for certain that my mother has a decided preference for a particular one of my sisters because the evidence is there; there is no such evidence that she feels the same way about any of the rest of her children.

My DH has always thought his mother loved him but preferred his younger brother. I can see how he thought that due to the way his mother always fussed around his brother. Many years later, MIL long passed and I can now see that what she was actually doing was making allowances for what could be perceived as her less than perfect younger son because she did not want others to think badly of him. All I am saying is that it is easy to misunderstand what other people are thinking and how they feel. I would go with the idea of firstly telling him you love him very much and wonder why exactly he feels the less favoured child.

My mother had favourites.. I know I have said this already on other threads .... and I was not one of them...

I have three children. They are all different. The oldest bosses me about, tells me I am cooking food wrong and pushes me out of the way, stirs the food and then smiles at me because he knows.. he is a bit of a control freak...

My other two are close. They are a bit like twins, and they call my oldest one "The Golden Boy". They say it laughingly but I know they mean it.. sometimes.. until one of them messes up and needs me either physically or monetarily..

It ain't true.

If any of them play that "he/she is the favourite, I tell them to fxxx off"

I'm the favourite these days.

Nonnie1 that's funny ! my 3rd son calls 4th son Golden boy but it is all in jest I hope . He also says that they are like the characters in the film "TWINS" if anyone remembers it , one was handsome tall and athletic , the other was Dannie DeVito ! I adore them both equally but they are complete opposites in all things , fortunately they get on very well .

Being family is not a prerequisite for getting on, and you can't make them get on if they don't like each other... but when they start including you in the hate it's just them being childish ! That is unless you do have a favourite - then shame on YOU

f77ms mine get on well also but they try to play me off. I'm having none of that

I used to be accused of the same. It's not true. I don't like either of them very much.

crownjules in what way does your son make you feel guilty about planning a visit to your daughter?
Does he complain? Or ask when you'll be seeing him? Or what?

I don't have favourite DSs or GC, though my adult GD keeps telling me that she's my favourite! I love them all dearly and they are all very different. Sometimes likeable and sometimes not but that doesn't stop me loving them.

Coming from a family wich played the game of 'favourites and scapegoats' I have always made a real and vocal point of telling my children I love them equally and that I am lucky to have a boy and a girl so they cannot be directly compared in any way.

Still, they have been jealous of each other and played the 'I'm the favourite' game with each other. One is more academically successful and has a better paid job while the other has had a bit of a car crash youth and has had to put up with some cruel baiting from the 'good' one. My DH and I have made it quite clear that this is not acceptable.

It's really hard. My own sister is jealous of me (though she has everything that life cann offer and is years younger than me - and looks it!) and has been very hurtful and cruel towards me over the years because of her resentment.

Sibling rivalry can be toxic. I think you should sit down with your son and tell him unequivocally that he is not loved any less than your other child but that he must accept this as the final word and that he cannot keep coming back to the complaint that 'You love her more than me' as it is damaging and corrosive to your relationship together. You do not deserve to be put on the spot like this and disbelieved. He must grow up and accept your word.

Sorry, which, not wich!

My Husband told me that his Father had no favourites , he treated them all with equal contempt .

nina59

that was funny

Ugh! How awful for you, crownjules!

I agree with those who say praise him for his attributes whenever possible - his humor, his taste in clothes, his kind heart, whatever fits.

But, after a while, if he's still whining about favoritism, I'd do the once and for all thing that Lily recommends. I'd keep boosting his ego afterwards, but if he tried to go into any pity party again, I'd shut it down.

Has this only just come up? My 3 DSs have since they were quite young argued about who got the most attention. Eldest insists youngest got away with anything to which I reply "Of course he did by the time I had him I'd given up!" Youngest insists eldest is bossy and tells everyone what to do-I say "Well someone has to do it" Middle one insists he was always overlooked- "Just think of what you go away with". I wonder why your son is complaining now, has something happened in his life? Maybe some form of rejection that has left him feeling a bit down? Perhaps you could arrange to meet him somewhere neutral, a short holiday together might make you less uncomfortable.

Both my sons say I favoured the other when they were young so I can only assume I was fairly even with my affections. As I always say to them- I loved the one most who was behaving well best at the time!

Nonnie, I've now got a dog. Much happier. xxx

We are biologically predisposed to see siblings as rivals, and there are good evolutionary reasons for this. Parental resources (including time and attention) are potentially diluted by every new sibling born, so it's not a surprise that siblings are often jealous of each other. However, we are not necessarily prisoners of these biological inclinations. Your son is jealous of his sister, who appears to be successful in all the usual ways. I agree with NanaandGrampy. Presumably you have never said to him "Look at how successful your sister is, why aren't you more like her". It is predicated on his own feelings about himself. Don't play the game, but show him that you love him in all the usual ways. Be genuine about it though: people with low self-esteem are particularly adept at identifying false compliments! I would be inclined to raise again the problem of your son's discomfort when you visit him, but don't harbour the thought that you can solve his problems for him. Adult children have to take responsibility for their own happiness.

NemosMum I am not sure I agree. Most of the sibling rivalries I have seen have been the result of parental favouritism or a misplaced belief in encouraging a competitive spirit between children. When siblings feel left out or unable to get their time in the sun, it is, generally, the parents they turn on rather than other siblings - as in this case. If parents parent well the result is usually a cohesive family unit that lasts often to old ager.

Many animals have litters of progeny at one birth event and some of those litters are quite large, which again would mitigate against your thesis.

NemosMum I agree. I don't think that there is any way that my sister and I could have grown up to get along given the extreme favouritism in our family. Toxic is definitely the word. She has always acknowledged that she is the favourite but thinks that it is perfectly reasonable and justified.
My father's favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister'.
I don't understand how parents can not know if they are showing favouritism.